nbay2013

Hi Forum Members;

I am visiting from the Friends/Family forum. My Ex-Alcoholic Boyfriend has been sober for around a year and a half and has attended AA all that time. We stopped seeing each other three months ago. I know he wasn't all that into The Steps, or shall I say, he did not do them at all.

I am wondering how often are the Step 9 Amends actually done and done the way they are intended. It seems I can't find any Friends/Family members who have experienced this important step. The damage done to me is considerable, yet my healing is absolutely not contingent on his program. I asked this because as an Al-Anon member and partner of an AA member, I was very invested in recovery and AA to save his life and hopefully our relationship.

Yet, I can't help but wonder, is step nine being skipped?

Thanks for any insight.

CharlieNoogan

I wouldn't put any hopes or dreams into receiving an amends from a recovering alcoholic.

The amends have little to do with the person to whom they are made, and everything to do with the alcoholic clearing away the wreckage of their past so as to stay sober.

That being said, if someone in recovery is working a solid twelve step program in AA, they will make amends in a manner as agreed upon by their sponsor. Some amends can not be made due to the nature of the 9th Step: "...except when to do so would injure them or others."

Rather than worrying about what he is doing, you may be better off focusing on your own recovery and your own step work in Al-Anon.

EndGameNYC

Hi nbay2013.

That's a very good question that's fraught with superficial controversy. There is a large contingency that believes that there's no point in "stirring up trouble" by bringing up past hurts to those we've harmed. This type of alcoholic thinking also includes rationalizations such as, "Well, he/she hurt me too, and I don't see him/her making amends." Or, "He/she hurt me too, so why should I make amends?"

In my experience, in and out of AA, and with or without working AA's Twelve Steps, making amends in life is a clear indication of maturity, the ability to forgive oneself and others, and other positive personal traits such as individual accountability, good will, and self enlightenment.

People have been side-stepping the steps they don't like for years, and it's rare that this makes for a fully recovered or happy alcoholic who looks forward to each day. Doing so includes childlike rationalizations that stunt personal growth and promote things like anger, resentment and bitterness.

Amends, or making them, are not on the clock. Nor do they have a definite shelf life.

In my own life, I recently began making amends for things I did almost four years ago, for the simple reason that it wasn't possible for me to do so earlier.

If you can't or won't clean up your own mess, what's the point?

Johnston

Some people's amends involve not repeating old behavior in new relationships. Unfortunately, the people affected earlier may never get to see this transformation. That's life. I've given up on waiting for apologies long ago.

BackToSquareOne

Isn't it a bit of a contradiction to make amends for a disease that you were powerless over. How can you believe that on the one hand while also believing you must make amends for things done caused by the disease?

Boleo

You answered your own question.

nbay2013

I don't think this is a contradiction. For example, I had an illness which required me to be in the hospital when my daughter was young. I ask her about HER experience, that I am sorry she experienced it, that it wasn't her fault, she didn't cause it and could not fix it. I wasn't saying I was a bad person, just acknowledging her pain and removing any sense of responsibility on her part.

Weaver

Because we still affected/hurt others with our disease... or whatever you want to call it. It is not just a free pass because we were in the throws of our addiction in my opinion. I think it shows strength and courage.

That being said I am NOT ME, when drinking. However, I still feel the need to apologize/make amends to those around me I affected when I was being SELFISH and all about me.

Threshold

Amends are for things we did that we need to clean up after ourselves, they may or may not have taken place while drunk or drinking. Most of my amends were not related to my drinking, and had nothing to do with alcoholism or booze.

I am responsible for my behavior, period, paragraph, end.

nbay2013

I would have to say this is my experience with my exAB. He rarely did anything while directly under the influence, because he did all his drinking in secret and isolation between 10 p.m. and 1 a.m. I actually never saw him drunk.

silentrun

Even if you unintentionally caused someone pain just acknowledging it would go along way. Maybe it's a woman thing. Don't say sorry. I want to know that you understand how you hurt me. I'm not in AA either so I haven't done any steps. I did have a talk with my daughter about checking out on her though.

LadyBlue0527

Here within lies another one of the great misnomers about AA. The basis of the program may be alcohol but the program has far more to do with living well. By living well we help to remove some of the reasons that we used to drink.

I know a lot of people that never touched a drop of alcohol who could use going through a 12 step program.

Amends are not just about apologizing to people for things you've done. They are also about realizing what part you had in something that happened and freeing yourself from using that guilt as yet another reason to drink. Taking responsibility, learning how to be accountable. Making things right instead of harboring them. Everyone on earth could use some of that.

Gottalife

There are a lot of people in AA who have not done the steps unfortuntaley. It is only a suggested program of recovery, though I have yet to find the suggestion that you can recover from alcoholism by only doing the bits you like.

All the steps are concerned with the recovery of the individual. Repressed secrets, guilt and remorse, people we have to avoid because we have harmed them etc etc, all lead to constant stress and fear, which makes for more drinking. Step 9 removes one of these spiritual blocks and when completed means we can again resume our place as a useful member of the community on equal terms, we can look the world in the eye, provided we have done ourutmost to set matters right.

This is a spiritual program and other wonderful (miraculous) things can happen. When an alcoholic goes out to his fellows to seek forgiveness and make restitution, with true contrition in his heart, there is often the miracle of reconciliation.

I heard a man speak about this yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes as I have experienced this myself. This part of our healing is so wonderful, and yet so many in our fellowship miss out because they won't take the steps.

nbay2013

[QUOTE=I know a lot of people that never touched a drop of alcohol who could use going through a 12 step program.
.[/QUOTE]

I sure agree with that statement. And it's a lot cheaper than therapy.

Grungehead

Out of all of the people on my list of amends, I had resentments against most of them. Either they hurt me in some way or I perceived that they did. Walking around with all of these resentments is one of the main reasons I drank. Identifying these resentments (step 4) and making amends for my part in it (and I played a part in almost all of my resentments) helps me clean up my side of the street. I forgive them for their part (if any) and I make amends for my part and I get closure and those resentments disappear. Making amends is really about freeing myself from the power those resentments had over me. I have benefited just as much from making amends to someone who told me where I could put my amends () as those who accepted my amends. It's the process of doing them that is freeing.

sugarbear1

Your ex may not have any resentments about you, so there would be no need for an amends.

Maybe if you worked the 12 steps of Al Anon and you put him on your 8th step list.....

nbay2013

Thank you all for great information. I learned a lot today by posting this question.

This Sober Recovery is awesome.