I disappeared into the bottle a long time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
I disappeared into the bottle a long time
I've been terribly ashamed to show my face around here. I got it straight for a time and all of you folks here helped. Then I would drink, get crazy, get isolated, get numb, get crazy again. I'm almost ... psycho ... these days with SHAME. I , god help me, I can hardly even type this, but my daughter / person I love most in the world ... I have hurt and alienated and tested and embarrassed. OK. <deep breath> I keep hoping it will be OK. But when I awake, the shame is so insane that I blot it out with more drink. I don't hate myself, but I am stuck on some abuse issues from my (childhood) past; confused about others where I blame myself.
These days, alcohol is a weird ally. Numb me from pain / keep me guessing about my worth so that abuse is OK / Stave off the boredom of being a nobody. I am a writer, so I guess that is a poem, but 100% true.
People here on this forum have seen me spew this same crap for years. I'm just as wretched as ever. Don't deserve connection but in my insane way, I hope for it, a little, ever while I feel I don't deserve it.
Who are you out there? Tell me your stories. Tell me if anything resonated. Know that I'm a disgrace, but I still hear you. Tell me if you feel connected to.
Please, please, write to me privately or here, and connect. I feel these threads are like weak threads... like broken spider webs... where we give input but then when it is broken by the wind or the latest insanity of alcohol, it just breaks off... and hurting people are left hanging.
I want real people to really connect to me. No platitudes. Write! What is in your heart.
These days, alcohol is a weird ally. Numb me from pain / keep me guessing about my worth so that abuse is OK / Stave off the boredom of being a nobody. I am a writer, so I guess that is a poem, but 100% true.
People here on this forum have seen me spew this same crap for years. I'm just as wretched as ever. Don't deserve connection but in my insane way, I hope for it, a little, ever while I feel I don't deserve it.
Who are you out there? Tell me your stories. Tell me if anything resonated. Know that I'm a disgrace, but I still hear you. Tell me if you feel connected to.
Please, please, write to me privately or here, and connect. I feel these threads are like weak threads... like broken spider webs... where we give input but then when it is broken by the wind or the latest insanity of alcohol, it just breaks off... and hurting people are left hanging.
I want real people to really connect to me. No platitudes. Write! What is in your heart.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry you're still struggling, but it's great to see you again Sam 
My advice is to let go of the shame and guilt - it serves no purpose but to keep us down in the pit where we simply gather more shame and guilt and self loathing
you've been sober before - you can be so again - you deserve happiness and sobriety, and you can make it permanent this time
It takes a little effort, and a commitment to change, but big waves really do grow from little ripples.
I've seen it myself
D
My advice is to let go of the shame and guilt - it serves no purpose but to keep us down in the pit where we simply gather more shame and guilt and self loathing
you've been sober before - you can be so again - you deserve happiness and sobriety, and you can make it permanent this time
It takes a little effort, and a commitment to change, but big waves really do grow from little ripples.
I've seen it myself
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya Sam , glad you dropped in and poured your heart out .
I think a great thing for you here would be to get your ' creative on ' and come write your feelings down in our limerick room. They don't have to specifically be limericks .
It can be poems or writings of whatever you feel.
Nothing is off limits , write as you feel and feel as you write.
We would absolutely love to have you in there xxxx
I think a great thing for you here would be to get your ' creative on ' and come write your feelings down in our limerick room. They don't have to specifically be limericks .
It can be poems or writings of whatever you feel.
Nothing is off limits , write as you feel and feel as you write.
We would absolutely love to have you in there xxxx
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Big cyber hug: ((((Sam))))
You can't hate yourself sober. Put down the drink and find a way to live with yourself with some measure of peace and love. Find a spiritual solution, or a psychological one. Find something. Because the alcohol solution isn't working for you anymore.
You can't hate yourself sober. Put down the drink and find a way to live with yourself with some measure of peace and love. Find a spiritual solution, or a psychological one. Find something. Because the alcohol solution isn't working for you anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Hi Sam! Welcome back! I remember you. You are not a disgrace. You are a survivor.
My story - I have 58 days sober. I was really hurting my body physically and like you, using alcohol to numb myself. I was operating on semi-autopilot. I had tried to quit in the past but I guess I wasn't ready. This is the longest I've been sober since I was 15. There have been some really challenging moments but it feels so good not to wake up with a hangover.
One simple thing that helped me - Just take it minute by minute, then hour by hour and so on. Anyone can stay sober for five or ten minutes. Sometimes early on I would have to do that. Then I would look at the clock and ten minutes had passed. I would feel like I accomplished something, however tiny, and it motivated me to take on the next ten, then thirty, then an hour, and so on. Please keep posting!
My story - I have 58 days sober. I was really hurting my body physically and like you, using alcohol to numb myself. I was operating on semi-autopilot. I had tried to quit in the past but I guess I wasn't ready. This is the longest I've been sober since I was 15. There have been some really challenging moments but it feels so good not to wake up with a hangover.
One simple thing that helped me - Just take it minute by minute, then hour by hour and so on. Anyone can stay sober for five or ten minutes. Sometimes early on I would have to do that. Then I would look at the clock and ten minutes had passed. I would feel like I accomplished something, however tiny, and it motivated me to take on the next ten, then thirty, then an hour, and so on. Please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by SamanthaIam 
Please, please, write to me privately or here, and connect. I feel these threads are like weak threads... like broken spider webs... where we give input but then when it is broken by the wind or the latest insanity of alcohol, it just breaks off... and hurting people are left hanging.
I want real people to really connect to me. No platitudes. Write! What is in your heart.
This is my opinion only! Those threads of communication break off when the poster breaks off . I know I have been tempted many times to want to continue talking to people, but when you do not hear back for a while, this forum is such that you assume they are back to their cell of alcoholism.
I know I don't want to pry....and lets face it would you really want someone to be asking you every day what's going on? How come you haven't posted? hope your not drinking? Yada, yada, yada.
s long as you stay in touch we stay in touch. The road to sobriety is YOUR personal choice --writing to you every day to remind you how important sobriety is, may in fact alienate you for good.
I think you know there are people here who care deeply about you and your attempts at sobriety. I will always respect a persons privacy first and foremost. I cannot drag you kicking and screaming into sobriety, though. So when you stop posting I know I stop asking.
Please keep in touch weather you are sober or drunk. SR really cares about their members. My sense of comfort is breached when a person stops posting. That's just me.
Oh!...and shame, disgust,worthlessness, pitiful, etc., well that is the definition of an alcoholic--nothing new there, LOL?
Keep in touch and all the best,
TrixM
ixer
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
