caboblanco

Is putting blame on family or friends really productive? If someone lets you drink or use inside their house or lets you borrow money does that really make them part of the problem? Is a bar an enabler? Is a drug dealer an enabler? is a job an enabler? I hear addiction experts trying to get the addict/alcoholic to be humble, take all the blame, and realize his/her wrongs then they are contradicting and blaming people close to the addict for helping their addiction as if it were also their responsibility. What do you think?

doggonecarl

The only "addiction" experts I listen too are those who have recovered from addiction themselves. And I don't think I've ever heard the word enabler used.

I think that is a term best used in the context of friends and family who have to deal with an active addict or alcoholic and their recovery...not mine.

Arbor

That's a good reason to let people know your in recovery. Those that at lease care.

choublak

I never really liked that term because it makes it sound like once the friends/family of the alcoholic stop "enabling", that the alcoholic will stop drinking, when that isn't always the case.

BackToSquareOne

There can be a fine line between enabling and helping. I always thought that some of the tough love crowd got a little carried away with the let them hit bottom thing. It can be tough to figure out when helping is enabling.

Helping someone cover their tracks so they don't lose their job can be seen as enabling, not doing it and letting them lose their job can have worse consequences. Where do you draw the line?

I have never seen the alcoholic blame their enablers. That usually comes from outside sources.

Arbor

I don't understand though why an expert would want to play the blame game? I get the idea of not putting yourself in situations where there is drinking. Especially in the early stages of recovery. But why would the blame be necessary?

Carlotta

I believe in taking responsibility for one's actions and addictions. It's called being a grown up. I have noticed that addicts and alcoholic who play the blame game tend to relapse an awful lot and also tend to be miserable when not using.
Enabling is ok to use for me as a codie when setting boundaries ie:
I will not enable my alcoholic friend by lending him money for the bills he failed to pay because he was drunnk.
Using the word enabler and enabling is ok as part of my recovery as a codependent, as an alcoholic it would be deflecting the blame and not taking personal responsibility.

I hope I make sense LOL

Boleo

I agree. The term "enabler" is best reserved for protecting those who might get sucked into an addicts world due to the fact that addicts are such notorious liars and con-artists.

Alcoholics and addicts ought never be allowed to use it as a blame game.

orieme

I certainly think people can be "enablers" for alcoholics. An alcoholic isn't able to think reasonably about their behaviour when it comes to drinking, so they can be taken advantage of and misled easily. I'm not saying the alcoholic isn't responsible, most will go along gladly at the time but will come to accept their major part in it during recovery, but I still class them as vulnerable people.

Surely doing otherwise is the wrong approach?

Threshold

I see it as a useful term in the sense that alcoholic is a useful term...we can argue for pages and pages about what defines an alcoholic...but what matters is that a person sees that they themselves fit the description, booze is controlling/destroying their life, and they get help.

Same with someone who is in the role of enabler. It's a term they can use to recognize their own issues, and work on them. It's not their fault that there is a drinker in their life. It's not the drinker's fault there is an enabler in their life, the each need to identify their role in the relationship and decide what they are going to do about it.

There are many cases where a person who decides to get sober and into recovery realizes that they must withdraw from a relationship with an enabler, because the dynamics of the relationship make recovery extrememly difficult. Likewise, an enabler, if they want to break free from the cycle, often has to part with the addict in their life.

it's a role, not a curse, label or insult.

Carlotta

Amen to that

GracieLou

My mother wrote me an email in one time asking me to go back to AA. My birthday gift that year and every year after was a bottle of Windsor.

Do I blame her? No. It is not like I would not have bought my own bottle.

She would need to look at her actions and decide if she was enabling. Do I think she thinks that? No, because she knows I would have bought my own bottle.

IMO enabling is allowing the alcoholic to not be held accountable. If they spend their food money on booze, oh well. If they drink up the money for their car payment, oh well.

But again, it varies if children are involved. Would a grandparent let their grand kids go hungry because their alcoholic child drank up the grocery money? Of course not. They either buy them food or take action to get the kids removed which is a BIG can of worms.

The person that is dealing with the alcoholic has to decide where their own personal line is in the sand is and not only stick to it but not let guilt attempt to move it.

BackToSquareOne

Alcoholics can be incredibly vulnerable people. I made some of the worst decisions of my life as an active alcoholic. An alcoholic with a lot of money is an easy mark for any con artist, they are easily taken advantage of. I have seen this happen, it's almost like they have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on their forehead.

orieme

I think Threshold hit the nail on the head and I completely agree. Both parties are victims and suffer as a result, who honestly would want to live life as an alcoholic or as somebody looking after one?

It's dreadfully bad for everybody concerned. We all do our best to muddle through and soldier on; sometimes we make the right choices for everybody other times we mess up, we're only human after all.

DoubleBarrel

As an alcoholic, whether or not someone is an enabler is irrelevant.

Being an enabler is for codependent people to identify their own part in a relationship. It isn't for me to determine, or to worry about. It is for them to avoid being sucked into OUR drama, not so we can blame someone else.

Sort of like only YOU can decide if you are an alcoholic.

Enablers are people who genuinely tried to help us. They didn't. They meant well. Kinda crummy to turn around and act like it is their fault that we kept drinking, IMHO.