Gravel

I just cannot quit right now. But I am dearly linked to you people because you are my fellow drunks(whether it be now or before.)

I am drinking beer and it isn't NEAR as bad as hard vodka. My love goes out to whomever does the hard stuff.

It's just right now it seems my life is better with alcohol and I am in no way flaunting it. BUT I know my luck will run thin at some point and i will crawl back to you guys. I'm sorry. I do need you guys there. - I'm just not ready yet I guess.

Its so weird. It's like there is a wall and beyond that wall is sobriety and on the other side is drunkenness.

That last post where I said I had it, well, I ran out at 9:55pm 5 min before the distributer closed and got a case of beer which is why you haven't seen me post in that thread again - cause I am ashamed.


I'll be okay because I am helping other people right now even though I am drunk. I don't know what else to say.

Doug39

I think I know how you are feeling.

For years I wanted to quit drinking but feared doing so.

I wasn't scared of the physical withdraw, I just didn't believe I could function without booze.

If someone told me 6 months ago that I would be 82 days sober by 10/18/2013 I would have thought they were nuts.

You will quit when you are ready...

Gravel

Thank you doniker. I just want to know I am not alone.

Mountainmanbob

don't be ashamed if the time comes
to come on back
I went back to the bottle and other things
many times after being sober
at least sobriety and sober friends had planted the seed
so I knew where to return when I once more had - had enough

be careful
Mountainman

Hawkeye13

Hi Gravel;
Thanks for checking in and let us know what's up.
I agree with doniker--I also just wasn't ready for awhile
and I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol.
Eventually I did decide sobriety was what I wanted, but had many stops and starts before I got there.

Take care and look after yourself.

Regretter

**** that man, you're only human. So you bought some beer and aren't ready to quite yet. It's not shame-worthy. You haven't killed anyone have you?

In fact your candour is respect-worthy.

instant

I had a six week stint of sobriety about a year before I quit. Some years before that I had six months. Other times I just struggled- and danced around when I could

At some point I was just too tired- I liken what happened next to deliberately jumping/falling out of a plane without a parachute- I did not know what was going to happen- I felt dreadful- but I didn't care anymore and I was just going to take it. Bizarrely I learned I can fly.

It can happen

Gravel

I just don't understand what it means to be sober. I mean, I do good deeds drunk. I am helping a friend now.

We can't all assume all deeds done while drinking are bad we just cannot!

But a man needs a place to fall and I understand what goes up must come down and right now i am up.

DarkDespair

Hey Gravel,

just relapsed after nearly 4 months of complete abstinence, I can feel your pain and relate to what you've posted. It is unbelievable hard at times, especially when I'm in "**** all-mode". But I think eventually we have to decide what we want...I don't want to be dead or completely ravaged by the age of 30, and I know that I will be if I continue drinking. Alcohol offers us a very very bleak and temporary future. Don't give up on yourself mate!

EndGameNYC

Hi Gravel.

I just hope that this time the damage done is minimal, and that the tears that inevitably come are yours alone. I mean that in the best possible way. I do understand that my hope is mostly in vain, but I can't help but feel concern. It's not always an easy thing to accept that each of us finds his or her own way.

The problem for people like us is that drinking actually worked at some time in our lives...it did exactly what we wanted it to do. When it stopped working and started hurting, we only drank more.

At the very least, you didn't just disappear from the face of the earth, tell us all to go phuck ourselves, or insist that your being able to drink safely makes you better than the rest of mankind.

You have a good heart, and that will work in your favor.

All my best.

Michael66

Hey Gravel,

You say you are drunk. Why not also come back and tell us your thoughts when you've sobered up. You might have a different perspective about whether you should continue drinking. It can be really tough to begin with, but it does get easier. I was miserable for about 4 months before I started to slowly get to enjoy the sober life. I think it was 6 months before I could honestly say that I was happy. I think we all take different amounts of time though.

Hevyn

Hi Gravel. I think it's admirable that you wanted to be up front about what's happening. You're among friends here, no matter what's going on.

Certainly do not be ashamed - we all understand and know how it feels to struggle. I drank for almost 30 yrs. I wish I hadn't had to be brought to my knees to quit, and I hope you won't ever have to. I know we have to be ready or we won't be motivated. Please return when you need to - we are all here for you.

Marcella99

Hi Gravel,
I get the place your mind is in. It's a prison that we've all been in. When you find your key, know that we are all here to support you with open arms. It sounds like you have a big heart helping others- don't forget to love yourself too.
Hugs

tomsteve

" cause I am ashamed."
wait....yer ashamed but life is better while drinking?

wiscsober

Hope the best for you....would rather you help me when your sober!

Life is truly better sober...it just plain is....
I am very sick when drinking....
I am very healthy when sober.

MaxxPower

This.

Always enjoy reading your posts NYC.

Keep posting! your helping allot of people with your brain....including myself.

You make me feel stupid sometimes though...haha

instant

Gravel i do not think it has anything to do with being good/ bad or being of service. Drunk is just drunk - its not a performance enhancing drug - the stuff is toxic, as in intoxicated, as in poison

pinkdog

Hi Gravel, I'm glad you are here at SR. Stick around.

Doug39

I agree with MaxxPower, this is a great statement:



When I was in my teens and early 20's I was shy and antisocial; I felt like a freak. Alcohol opened me up, helped me relax and gain self confidence. I became the life of the party with a ton of friends. But were they really my friends? Maybe a few. But most were just screwed up drunks like me.

I can't pinpoint the turning point of when alcohol started to make my life bad instead of better but it was quite some time ago. I just wish I would have quit drinking earlier instead of now that I am 50 years old. I wasted the best years of my life being wasted, depressed and anxious trying to find that good feeling.

FeelingGreat

Gravel I always think it's a pity when people disappear because they have relapsed. Their friends miss them, and they have many lessons to impart. Stick around!