Does "not talking about it" help more sometimes?
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Does "not talking about it" help more sometimes?
So it's been about a month now and when I started out on this journey I wanted to go at least 30 days without alcohol to try to break the habit. I feel good and I feel that I have made a lot of progress not using wine as a crutch or a cover for my anxiety or other issues. I can relax in the evening now without a glass and don't think about it anymore like I did for a while. I am not sure how much longer I will abstain, I have never had issues with having a drink or two socially so I suppose in that setting I will partake but probably won't keep it around the house. I almost think that for a while, reading here constantly, "googling" all sorts of things kept me in the mindset of "oh no can't have a drink tonight" and made it worse. It's kind of a catch 22 I suppose - sometimes things like reading books about it, going to AA, posting etc is therapeutic and I suppose for me it was a bit too. But at the same time taking a step back and just removing yourself from thinking about the issue helps it not be an issue anymore. Anyway, I am happy with myself and my progress to not depend on a couple glasses of wine nightly and appreciate the support here, it has definitely helped through my more stressful moments 
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i had the same thought when i decided to visit this board and go to an AA meeting. I thought yeah sitting around in a room with a bunch of other drunks talking about drinking habits how is this suppost to make me not wanna drink? I figured for sure i'd go to AA and stop at the bar on the way home. And i'll admit puttting the spotlight on it so much sure did make me kinda want a drink all the more. As time passed however it had the opposite affect the truth of the matter shone through and I realized it just wasnt a good idea for me to drink even tho so much emphasis was on it in my daily life.
but yeah obsessing about it one way or another has a way of just fanning the cravings to a degree.
but yeah obsessing about it one way or another has a way of just fanning the cravings to a degree.
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Hi Susan. I posted a bit ago about how "this drinking thing" for me was like something that stuck on the bottom of my shoe as I was leaving the ladie's room. Something ancillary, that didn't really fit with who I perceived myself to be. It was an annoying something that popped up every now and then. I drank in high school, but not to any extreme extent. College, same thing, did not really affect my grades.
In my 20's I had a very high pressure job, I worked 12 hour days, ran 7 miles a day. I grew up going to AA meetings with my mother (she has has 36 years of sobriety), so I knew a lot about alcoholism. There were a few episodes that I couldn't remember clearly, so I started going to AA. I didn't identify yet. I wasn't a daily drinker, alcohol wasn't impairing my work performance, I don't remember even thinking about having wine in my apt. I would go out on a Sat night and have 4 or 5 glasses of wine and I hated the way I felt. I didn't identify with anyone in AA. The disease hadn't progressed yet.
In my 30's I married, moved out of the city, I remember packing and all the AA books got boxed up and left with the stuff I was donating. Alcohol still wasn't part of my daily life. In the burbs had a full wine cellar (my in-laws own a vineyard in Sonoma), full bar with bottles of leftover booze from parties. Full bottles of vodka, gin, tequila, scotch. I saw them as decorative items on glass shelves that needed to be dusted often. Late 30's once again, saw that I might be having problems. Once again, back to AA. Still wasn't there, couldn't identify. Moved to a bigger house (bigger wine cellar). Packed up the AA books AGAIN and donated them to the Salvation Army.
Now into my forties. Still had periodic instances where I drank too much, a bit embarrassing, I would get dressed up and get messed up. The "dressing drink", the roadie, a few more glasses of wine when I got home after an event. If I was going out with anyone but my husband I wouldn't drive. I never drove drunk. I would have my babysitter or my handyman drop me off and then take a cab home. I started adding alcohol in to most events. A glass of wine a few weeknights, became 2 glasses of wine most weeknights. Became a bottle every weeknight. Became 2 bottles every weeknight. And I was taking Ambien for sleep and benzos for fibromyalgia.
One night at 2am, when most people would be face down on the carpet if they had what I had in my bloodstream, I came downstairs and was sitting there lonely in the room with the hard liquor. It had never dawned on me to even try it. I had some whiskey and went upstairs and went to sleep.
Within 6 months I had pretty much gone through every bottle in the bar. I didn't bother replacing most of them. I knew my husband wouldn't drink them. The ones I kept for decoration I filled with water, or soy sauce and water, or maraschino cherry juice and water. I would buy 4 or 5 cases of white wine at a time. Unpack 2 into the wine cellar (which was all red) and then hide the other cases.
Then I started to really lean into the vodka. I would have huge bottles stuck in the craziest places, I am still finding them. I was hungover every day. None of my clothes fit. I looked like hell. I was existing not living.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I identify a lot with what you are saying. I kept packing up that AA literature, not wanting thinking about it to be a central part of my life. Sure enough, the room I left in my life by not having recovery left a vacancy for alcohol. I SOOOOO did not want this to be central. I thought, lord, move on people.t. Just live and stop ruminating about all this drinking. I joined this board a year ago and did start posting until I got back from rehab in July. That's how quickly it progressed at the end.
I am not currently attending AA regularly. But I have no doubt anymore that if I did I would be front row and center, because I identify, big time. What I didn't want to have to think about and what I kept packing up into boxes decided to travel with me through time. I hear people with good recovery state that they are grateful alcoholics, I'm not there yet. But what I am is an acknowledged alcoholic. So I totally get what you are saying about not wanting this to be a central focus, I totally get it. When I wasn't done drinking I saw talking about it as annoying, now I find being here and identify a huge source of comfort and validation.
In my 20's I had a very high pressure job, I worked 12 hour days, ran 7 miles a day. I grew up going to AA meetings with my mother (she has has 36 years of sobriety), so I knew a lot about alcoholism. There were a few episodes that I couldn't remember clearly, so I started going to AA. I didn't identify yet. I wasn't a daily drinker, alcohol wasn't impairing my work performance, I don't remember even thinking about having wine in my apt. I would go out on a Sat night and have 4 or 5 glasses of wine and I hated the way I felt. I didn't identify with anyone in AA. The disease hadn't progressed yet.
In my 30's I married, moved out of the city, I remember packing and all the AA books got boxed up and left with the stuff I was donating. Alcohol still wasn't part of my daily life. In the burbs had a full wine cellar (my in-laws own a vineyard in Sonoma), full bar with bottles of leftover booze from parties. Full bottles of vodka, gin, tequila, scotch. I saw them as decorative items on glass shelves that needed to be dusted often. Late 30's once again, saw that I might be having problems. Once again, back to AA. Still wasn't there, couldn't identify. Moved to a bigger house (bigger wine cellar). Packed up the AA books AGAIN and donated them to the Salvation Army.
Now into my forties. Still had periodic instances where I drank too much, a bit embarrassing, I would get dressed up and get messed up. The "dressing drink", the roadie, a few more glasses of wine when I got home after an event. If I was going out with anyone but my husband I wouldn't drive. I never drove drunk. I would have my babysitter or my handyman drop me off and then take a cab home. I started adding alcohol in to most events. A glass of wine a few weeknights, became 2 glasses of wine most weeknights. Became a bottle every weeknight. Became 2 bottles every weeknight. And I was taking Ambien for sleep and benzos for fibromyalgia.
One night at 2am, when most people would be face down on the carpet if they had what I had in my bloodstream, I came downstairs and was sitting there lonely in the room with the hard liquor. It had never dawned on me to even try it. I had some whiskey and went upstairs and went to sleep.
Within 6 months I had pretty much gone through every bottle in the bar. I didn't bother replacing most of them. I knew my husband wouldn't drink them. The ones I kept for decoration I filled with water, or soy sauce and water, or maraschino cherry juice and water. I would buy 4 or 5 cases of white wine at a time. Unpack 2 into the wine cellar (which was all red) and then hide the other cases.
Then I started to really lean into the vodka. I would have huge bottles stuck in the craziest places, I am still finding them. I was hungover every day. None of my clothes fit. I looked like hell. I was existing not living.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I identify a lot with what you are saying. I kept packing up that AA literature, not wanting thinking about it to be a central part of my life. Sure enough, the room I left in my life by not having recovery left a vacancy for alcohol. I SOOOOO did not want this to be central. I thought, lord, move on people.t. Just live and stop ruminating about all this drinking. I joined this board a year ago and did start posting until I got back from rehab in July. That's how quickly it progressed at the end.
I am not currently attending AA regularly. But I have no doubt anymore that if I did I would be front row and center, because I identify, big time. What I didn't want to have to think about and what I kept packing up into boxes decided to travel with me through time. I hear people with good recovery state that they are grateful alcoholics, I'm not there yet. But what I am is an acknowledged alcoholic. So I totally get what you are saying about not wanting this to be a central focus, I totally get it. When I wasn't done drinking I saw talking about it as annoying, now I find being here and identify a huge source of comfort and validation.
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I think sometimes it just depends on the day too. I have floundered back and forth during this month "Am I an alcoholic or not" and feel that the consensus is I'm not but definitely have my alcohol issues. Could that lead to alcoholism down the road? Possibly. I think I have sometimes "overthunk" myself into feeling differently about my drinking and myself and it actually had me obsessing and hurting my progress as far as stopping the "wine crutch" as I call it. It's an ongoing journey I suppose.
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Talking about drinking, or NOT drinking, and reading about it etc etc definitely kept my brain on it. But talking about recovery, about living etc has helped me move forward.
I found out early on that attending meetings where sharing only problems or drinking tales left me morose, feeling hopeless and like "I may as well drink". But going to meetings, reading books and hanging out at online forums that are about recovery and life help me move forward...and not all of that has to be alcohol related.
I have since gotten into reading books about all sorts of new subjects, joined forums about several different interests, etc.
For me there has to be more to life than not drinking.
I found out early on that attending meetings where sharing only problems or drinking tales left me morose, feeling hopeless and like "I may as well drink". But going to meetings, reading books and hanging out at online forums that are about recovery and life help me move forward...and not all of that has to be alcohol related.
I have since gotten into reading books about all sorts of new subjects, joined forums about several different interests, etc.
For me there has to be more to life than not drinking.
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Susan,
For me, a big part of the alcohol addiction revolves in the mind. Even dwelling on whether I am a true alcoholic or not can become a type of cyclical thinking addiction. I have found out the hard way that abstinence pure and simple is my best option. Plenty of people in society choose to not drink today. It's not even questioned like it was decades ago.
For me, a big part of the alcohol addiction revolves in the mind. Even dwelling on whether I am a true alcoholic or not can become a type of cyclical thinking addiction. I have found out the hard way that abstinence pure and simple is my best option. Plenty of people in society choose to not drink today. It's not even questioned like it was decades ago.
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I totally agree about the cyclical thinking addiction. I think that's where I was coming from with this. Realizing that I had had at least a glass or two of wine EVERY night and realizing that I needed to break the behavior, and definitely break it before/if it would become worse was easy. What was harder was all the reflection that followed "Well I definitely don't go into an alcohol frenzy after one drink, I can have two drinks and stop almost all the time unless it's a conscious choice, I'm not an alcoholic." or "Normal people don't have two glasses of wine EVERY night do they? Normal people don't think about drinking do they? But normal people get buzzed on occasion, etc etc." Now after a month I'm at a good place where it's like "OK it is what it is, whether or not this is/was a full blown alcoholism, I definitely developed a dependence and that's a problem. Quit analyzing yourself and move on." And for now that's working
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If by moderately you mean on a rare social occasion out somewhere or family gathering etc then yes I likely will, if I feel like it, as I have never had an issue with that. I do not think I will be purchasing alcohol for my home anymore, as it was becoming too much a regular occurence to crave a glass of wine at night and I think I have done fairly well at getting rid of that habit.
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susan maybe your fortunate that wine is much like say someone else keeping soda in there house. they may not be hooked but if its there they are gonna drink it?
Tho from my point of view almost anything can become an unhealthy obsession / addiction if let to get that way.
With a lot of things i got to the point where it was like why even have it at a function if I woudlnt have it at home and its of no benefit for my body? I dont mean just booze but even junk food, cigarettes, soda etc.. People think i'm nuts but i figured how does it benefit me? If it doesnt benefit me its either a waste or its harming me in some way generally.
I took a lot of knowledged I gained along the way during my battle to abstain from booze and was able to apply it to other things in life as well. For most of us here booze is a pretty difficult addiction. If you can drink moderately at a function or something I think thats great but I also wonder why whats the point?
Tho from my point of view almost anything can become an unhealthy obsession / addiction if let to get that way.
With a lot of things i got to the point where it was like why even have it at a function if I woudlnt have it at home and its of no benefit for my body? I dont mean just booze but even junk food, cigarettes, soda etc.. People think i'm nuts but i figured how does it benefit me? If it doesnt benefit me its either a waste or its harming me in some way generally.
I took a lot of knowledged I gained along the way during my battle to abstain from booze and was able to apply it to other things in life as well. For most of us here booze is a pretty difficult addiction. If you can drink moderately at a function or something I think thats great but I also wonder why whats the point?
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ZJW you are exactly right. I don't keep much "junk food" in the house because if it's not there I won't eat it or miss it, and it won't be at my kid's disposal to choose for a snack. If it's there we eat it and if it's not we go fine without it and it's better kept as a more rare "treat" when we are out.
I suppose the point of drinking moderately is also to enjoy a drink. I enjoy the actual taste of a mixed drink on occasion if I'm out (though I have never kept liquor in the house) and we have a great local winery with live music and a very cool atmosphere that we often meet friends and family at and the wine they make is enjoyable. I suppose that because I never really had to "drink to get drunk" as so many others state, my view is different. Did I get drunk over my years of drinking regularly? Yes, on occasion. Usually though I was just using what (for a daily drinker) would be a moderate (but still too much because it's daily) amount of alcohol simply to quell anxiety or to relax my mind a bit, but not to actually become intoxicated. Still, not healthy and a possible slippery slope, and a habit I am glad to continue to work on breaking for GOOD. But I suppose the point is having a drink socially can be enjoyable if it can truly stay a drink socially, though you are right, sitting at the winery playing board games outside and chatting like we do isn't any less fun with water bottles So I can see it both ways.
I suppose the point of drinking moderately is also to enjoy a drink. I enjoy the actual taste of a mixed drink on occasion if I'm out (though I have never kept liquor in the house) and we have a great local winery with live music and a very cool atmosphere that we often meet friends and family at and the wine they make is enjoyable. I suppose that because I never really had to "drink to get drunk" as so many others state, my view is different. Did I get drunk over my years of drinking regularly? Yes, on occasion. Usually though I was just using what (for a daily drinker) would be a moderate (but still too much because it's daily) amount of alcohol simply to quell anxiety or to relax my mind a bit, but not to actually become intoxicated. Still, not healthy and a possible slippery slope, and a habit I am glad to continue to work on breaking for GOOD. But I suppose the point is having a drink socially can be enjoyable if it can truly stay a drink socially, though you are right, sitting at the winery playing board games outside and chatting like we do isn't any less fun with water bottles
So I can see it both ways.
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the funny thing is you mention the taste being enjoyable etc.. I always find the taste of booze the most interesting argument. Honestly it tastes like garbage all of it does wine all the fruity drinks mized with booze vodka straight etc.. it all tastes aweful! I'd imagine a lot of folks agree with me on this. the only reason it was ever remotely good was becuase I had forced it down enough times that I aquired a taste for it. Let your kid have a sip of your booze and most will be like ull yuck!
I often wonder if i tasted it now if i'd like it or hate it. I know the smell repulses me now. and my wife made a dish that had white wine in the sauce one night i took a few bites was repulsed and pushed it to the side.
maybe i've been cured? haha.
We have the vinyards by me I still pass by the one shop for one of them and think about there strawberry wine that was always great. But after the first glass it coulda been **** with alcohol in it and i wouldnt have cared I woulda still drank it.
I think the thing tho is why? It makes it tougher to enjoy certain places and settings minus the booze. Liek I couldnt sit around a bar hanging out with friends drinking ice water. No thanks I'd be bored to tears. theres just no benefit to our bodies to consume it at all.
I often wonder if i tasted it now if i'd like it or hate it. I know the smell repulses me now. and my wife made a dish that had white wine in the sauce one night i took a few bites was repulsed and pushed it to the side.
maybe i've been cured? haha.
We have the vinyards by me I still pass by the one shop for one of them and think about there strawberry wine that was always great. But after the first glass it coulda been **** with alcohol in it and i wouldnt have cared I woulda still drank it.
I think the thing tho is why? It makes it tougher to enjoy certain places and settings minus the booze. Liek I couldnt sit around a bar hanging out with friends drinking ice water. No thanks I'd be bored to tears. theres just no benefit to our bodies to consume it at all.
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We have the vinyards by me I still pass by the one shop for one of them and think about there strawberry wine that was always great. But after the first glass it coulda been **** with alcohol in it and i wouldnt have cared I woulda still drank it.
I guess that's the biggest disconnect I find. Most relate directly to this statement but I can't say I ever have. I don't think I would drink anything that wasn't enjoyable. There has never been a frenzy to just drink whatever and get drunker after the first drink. There are lots of types of alcohol I don't enjoy at all and would never drink despite a buzz. I dislike most beer and wouldn't drink it just to drink it. I do enjoy something like a long island ice tea or a pomegranate martini when out to dinner, but I can have one and be done and enjoy it. My problem does lie with being reliant on not drunkeness, but on the simple effects of alcohol to soothe me. I need to "Self soothe" much like many want their infants to learn how to do (lol that sounded dumb but other parents out there might know what I mean). I plan to continue to abstain for the time being, I was just saying that say I was invited to go with a group to the winery in a couple weeks, I would likely go, have a glass or two and enjoy the company, and go home. That's not the type of thing that will send me back into dependence on my nightly drink. Having it around the house and becoming complacent again with it very well might so that's not something I plan on doing. (And I do appreciate the support here and in no way would come post "Hey I went out and had a drink and it was fun" in any way shape or form).
I guess that's the biggest disconnect I find. Most relate directly to this statement but I can't say I ever have. I don't think I would drink anything that wasn't enjoyable. There has never been a frenzy to just drink whatever and get drunker after the first drink. There are lots of types of alcohol I don't enjoy at all and would never drink despite a buzz. I dislike most beer and wouldn't drink it just to drink it. I do enjoy something like a long island ice tea or a pomegranate martini when out to dinner, but I can have one and be done and enjoy it. My problem does lie with being reliant on not drunkeness, but on the simple effects of alcohol to soothe me. I need to "Self soothe" much like many want their infants to learn how to do (lol that sounded dumb but other parents out there might know what I mean). I plan to continue to abstain for the time being, I was just saying that say I was invited to go with a group to the winery in a couple weeks, I would likely go, have a glass or two and enjoy the company, and go home. That's not the type of thing that will send me back into dependence on my nightly drink. Having it around the house and becoming complacent again with it very well might so that's not something I plan on doing. (And I do appreciate the support here and in no way would come post "Hey I went out and had a drink and it was fun" in any way shape or form).
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Susan, I know you are not discounting others struggles at all, that has never ever come through in your posts. I see a woman who is conflicted and is willing to look at something that may be gaining on her head on. Kudos to you. A lot of us don't end up here til we are hit over the head with a sledgehammer.
I have a feeling that if this does become a problem in your life that you have armed yourself to take action sooner rather than later.
The reason I posted such a long post above was because I understand what it was like to be struggling but not have the same issues as other people. I kept dipping my toe into recovery and it didn't jive with the way I drank or the effect it was having on my life....then.
I think that SR is great because it is a large arena, we are all at different places. You might never be in my place but I think it is wonderful that you have an open mind and are educating yourself about alcoholism.
I have a feeling that if this does become a problem in your life that you have armed yourself to take action sooner rather than later.
The reason I posted such a long post above was because I understand what it was like to be struggling but not have the same issues as other people. I kept dipping my toe into recovery and it didn't jive with the way I drank or the effect it was having on my life....then.
I think that SR is great because it is a large arena, we are all at different places. You might never be in my place but I think it is wonderful that you have an open mind and are educating yourself about alcoholism.
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I've had friends go through phases with booze over the years and never getting into the sorts of issues I got into. no dependance. By phase I know some that have been daily drinkers and just are not anymore or always drank on the weekends but now just drink now and then. it was never a big issue for them one way or another. Like you many enjoy the taste and expiereince. I cant fathom it I can rattle off drinks I love but when i think about it they honestly dont taste all that great there rather disgusting really. I always even in the height of my drinking had difficulty sucking back the first drink each day after that they all washed down just fine.
from my point of view I just dont see how any of its enjoyable at all unless I'm to do it to get smashed. I guess its all i really know.
from my point of view I just dont see how any of its enjoyable at all unless I'm to do it to get smashed. I guess its all i really know.
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Originally Posted by Susan2984 
But at the same time taking a step back and just removing yourself from thinking about the issue helps it not be an issue anymore.
It is one thing to break a habit and another entirely to break an addiction. I have broke a lot of habits since getting sober. I broke the habit of eating sweets, of eating meat and dairy. I started exercising. I have changed the way I work. All these things were a piece of cake compared to giving up alcohol (I don't eat cake now either). Alcohol was an addiction which has developed in a very insidious way over many years. I tried taking a step back from thinking it was an issue both while actively drinking (the result was I drank more), and sober (the result was I thought I was normal again and could drink). I kinda think these thought patterns can be very dangerous. I wouldn't recommend them. People only really learn from their own experience though. I tried every which way to control my drinking, it didn't work for me. If people can control their drinking then they will. If you do it for 10 years and you still haven't quite got it... maybe it's an addiction, not habit.
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Originally Posted by Susan2984
If by moderately you mean on a rare social occasion out somewhere or family gathering etc then yes I likely will, if I feel like it, as I have never had an issue with that. I do not think I will be purchasing alcohol for my home anymore, as it was becoming too much a regular occurence to crave a glass of wine at night and I think I have done fairly well at getting rid of that habit.
The first drink will always, always, always be the one that takes you back down to Hell.
"Never look back unless you are planning on going that way."
-Henry David Thoreau.
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