Anoronha

So I am lucky have a therapist who is in recovery as well 11 years sober. Only problem is the things she tells me to try are completely different sometimes from what my sponsor advises me to do. I respect them both highly and I think they are both good advisors it is confusing at times and I don't know what to do but I am willing to listen to sponsor more she knows me longer than therapist. Also she has 37 years sobriety. Has anyone else experienced this. Not sure why I am sharing this but just needed to share. I have been thinking about this a lot. I am considering stopping therapy maybe that is a bad decision I don't know.

DoubleBarrel

What is the conflicting advice?

DayTrader

Same problem here when I was new......kinda.

I was doing inventory with my therapist (who had about 14 yrs at the time) and also sharing it with my sponsor. (I was court-ordered to attend out-patient substance abuse therapy......unbeknownst to me at first, the gal I settled on was/is a big time AA black-belt -- lol) I started getting into some childhood abuse and it was messing me up / making me feel reeeeeally bad and uncomfortable. Lots and lots of really old and dark thoughts and memories were cropping up.

My sponsor told me to "leave that stuff alone, just forgive and move on" -- or something similar to that. My therapist was suggesting that I not run...again....from painful experiences in my past but to deal with them now instead. In my heart, I was convinced I needed to get through this stuff and not continue to bury it or ignore it.

My sponsor's awesome......but he doesn't have the experience of living in an abusive home with a violent alcoholic father. The stuff I'd tell him......he couldn't identify. My therapist on the other hand...grew up in the same sort of home.

In the end, I went with the therapist's advice and continued. It was a great lesson to me that regardless of what I call someone; friend, sponsor, therapist, spiritual advisor, parent, etc - all of them (us) have limitations. Sometimes a friend will be my best advisor. Sometimes it'll be my sponsor and other times it'll be someone else. Sometimes, I'll get it right on my own and all the other ppl do is talk me out of it. At first I was disappointed that my sponsor couldn't be everything I wanted him to be but it was a good lesson for me to learn.

Bottom line......it's my life and my recovery. While I continually see that my sponsor generally has better advice for me than I have for myself, he's not perfect......and he doesn't have to be.

DoubleBarrel

My thoughts are similar to DayTrader.
A sponser is there to walk you through the steps, and consult with you GENERALLY about alcoholism.

But a licensed therapist has more diverse and specific training. As much as a good sponser can help, they usually aren't clinical staff, FWIW.

This really depends on what you are working on.

DayTrader

I should toss out another bit of truth, not as a disclaimer from what I said above but to further drive home my belief that it's not in anyone's best interest to accept and swallow every single thing you hear from any one person......regardless of what their title is.

There have also been plenty of times where I went with my sponsor over the advice of my therapist.

Looking back with the clarity of hindsight, neither one of them has had a monopoly on being right. They've both been right, they've both been wrong......and there are a couple times where they were both right (although they both gave different advice) but I opted for door number three - MY advice.

Gottalife

Great experience from the previous posters. AA and my sponsor were who I worked with on sobriety (singleness of purpose).

When my wife was dying I saw a grief counsellor. When I thought I might have a repressed memory issue, I saw a psychologist. The wonderful thing was the fact that I was sober enabled the counsellor and psychologist to do an excellent job. Both issues were resolved.

There was no conflict of interest. The professionals did not advise on the AA program, and my sponsor, well, I can't remember him giving me advice on anything. he just showed me what he did to recover from this disease.

Anoronha

My sponsor says I am not ready to date and need to throw myself more into my recovery related things. My therapist says I should join match dot com and am ready to date. And need to do other stuff that is not recovery related. My sponsor now that I think about it doesn't advice me only shares her experience with me. However my therapist knows about my almost relapse it happened after my last session with her. Maybe she might see differently after that. Point is I don't know what I want to do I realize that both might be wrong and that is ok no person knows everything. No matter how trained she is.

I am going to see therapist this week and tell her I feel she and I have and honest relationship. I will talk to sponsor also tomorrow on the phone. I don't know what is right for me yet part of me wants to date the other believes I might not be ready.

DoubleBarrel

While the therapist might be right, err on the side of caution. There's no reason to rush things like new relationships.

I know AA says no big changes for a year, but, well, I'm married, and had to deal with that, so it's not like its impossible. Your reluctance says more IMHO than either persons opinion.

If you are unsure, wait till you are sure.

Sometimes getting out and doing things differently is a good way to break out of your shell, and create new good sober patterns. I took a trip earlier in the year, and it was pushing my comfort boundaries. In retrospect, it was a growing experience. I proved to myself that it COULD be done without alcohol.

How long do you have sober?

Anoronha

I have 6 months sober since last week. So possibly might be too soon to start dating.

sugarbear1

Here's my experience: Over 2 years into sobriety and I am just now starting to date. The emotional roller coaster that I have been through regarding this dating thing is something I don't think I could have handled any earlier in sobriety. Something tells me I wouldn't have stayed sober if I had attempted this any earlier than now.

Knowing my past, I wasn't ready to date when I had been sober for 3 years (step work only on steps 1 & 2) and I had gotten into a relationship. Then I relapsed for the next 15 years.

I'm leaning with your sponsor on this one. (My sponsor suggests that the only relationship I need to work on in the first year is one with my higher power through prayer and meditation--seeking that inspiration to be useful to others)

6 months is nice, but really isn't very long in the sobriety journey, in my experience and opinion.....

Get some real sober time first....it may make a world of difference to you.

Match.com? Really?? Why not develop interests and join clubs or gatherings to meet someone who has a shared interest as you??

Have you spoken to anyone who has experience with this?? Anyone in your network? Anyone at meetings?

Johnston

I've learned over the years to take what both sponsors and therapists say with a grain of salt. They be human.

jaynie04

I was dismissive of Match too. But I happened to work in an industry that was 99% male, I guess I set the odds up in my favor. Most of my girlfriend in NYC were in the fashion and design industry, they worked long hours and weren't into the bar scene. I now have 4 very good friends who have been married for 10+ years to guys they met that way, and my best friend who now lives in Maine. I have never been on the site, I don't even have facebook, but I can share my experience.

When I have mentioned SR to my therapist and psychiatrist they have been pretty dismissive of it. I know better than to waste energy extolling the many virtues of this site (and i was grateful for the fact that they had no interest when I complained about both of them on here earlier this week). Their reaction to SR reminded me of my reaction to Match. As long as you are safe I think it is great to explore different ways to meet people.

I think there is some excellent advice here on your original question.

Anoronha

I talked to sponsor this morning about life in general and about how confused I was. Next I talk to my therapist. Im so grateful that for the first time in my life I have a relationship with both therapist and sponsor where I can be honest with both of them.

Sudz No More

I don't agree with everything my therapist says but a lot of what he says I do so I keep going. I just don't follow the advice he tried to give that seems off to me.

At the end of the day, going to him is mostly just to keep me honest with myself about drinking. He does make some great points though and he delves deeper into who I am beyond drinking to try to find root causes and weed them out.

Kathleen41

I too have a therapist and a sponsor. I stopped therapy at about 2 months sober and restarted with the same person at about 8 months. I utilize these folks for different things.

My sponsor is an expert on only one thing, how she stopped drinking and stays sober for 12 years. That is it. Don't get me wrong, she also has a successful marriage, business, and is a great parent. She has often told me, "you may want to seek outside help with that issue."

I work with my therapist on other things. Career frustration, marital problems, issues from my childhood, self-esteem and image issues. All of which can and should be worked through using the program principles too.

It's important to remember, that their advice is only suggestions. Any decision is up to me; The answers are always within me. My sponsor says "You know in your knower." God speaks to me in a quiet voice, that's otherwise known as my conscience. I am learning to quiet myself down and be still so I can hear the voice. Next step is to trust the voice and do what it says!!

MrDavid

I think that would be a bad idea, even though the choice is all yours. As other posters previously mentioned, they both serve a useful purpose. So dropping one in favor of the other would be counterproductive in my opinion.

For example, my therapist, Karen, helped me overcome some emotional issues in the beginning, while my sponsor, Matt, on the other hand, helped me get sober. They 'both' provided me with some valuable tools that helped me sustain a quality of life. And that level of understanding has now materialized into something greater. So on both fronts; they do serve a useful purpose.

But again, it came from a collection of different sources and not just one. My therapist, Karen, will always have a place in my heart, but recovery has been my go outlet to since then. And rightfully so. Don't get me wrong; I still have issues, and Karen will always be my first choice, but for now I need to focus on sobriety. Why? It's only when I sobered up that good things started to happen in my life and for me it's where I belong. Onward...

BBSSspirit

Your sponsor was right.
God brings us romance HIMSELF when we are spiritually matured.
Anything we have to go looking for, were not ready for.

Therapists can't help an alcphoc recover unless they're recovers themselves and time sober really doesn't mean that much.

ClearLight

True dat.
Sorry - just wrong.

For anything other than working the steps you should rely on your therapist. They are the professionals. For anything other than working the steps your sponsor is just another person on the street - you might as well be asking anybody passing by on the sidewalk.

DayTrader

Absolutely right.....When I learn to accept my reality and insist less on changing it to be the way I think it should be......my whole life-experience settles right down and becomes quite lovely. For me, that means accepting and trusting in my HP. For others, it simply means not struggling against life but enjoying it. It's taken a lot of work, and no small amount of pain, to become more trusting/accepting. Wow! whatta difference though!!

as for the therapist line--

I think I'd say a therapist isn't likely to be much help with recovery from alcoholism .....but they can help. Unfortunately, not all are as effective as they believe they are. Trained or not, recovery is not usually something one can learn about then walk someone else through. It must be experienced for it to be "taught" effectively.

For me - therapy is great for seeking the truth about myself - mostly stuff I don't even "realize" abut myself. AA is were I get my all answers and solutions though. (and for the newer ppl......I don't mean I get my answers and solutions at meetings of AA. AA "works" by working the steps, having a spiritual experience, and connecting/communing with a Greater Power who solves my problems for me -- that's what I mean by AA is where I get the solutions...by working the program).

BBSSspirit

I found my truths in Step 4 of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, not in a therapists office