When should I start to worry?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
When should I start to worry?
I'm prone to worrying. All it takes is a little niggle sometimes, and before I know it, that has grown into a full-blown anxiety. My thoughts get carried away and run through each and every possible scenario or outcome to an issue until it becomes impossible for me to seperate reality from fantasy. That has always been a big problem for me. That and the 'Don't trust this good feeling, you know it won't last'....''what makes you think you deserve to feel this happy? Something bad will happen now..that will serve you right'...
Ok , so I'm learning how to re-write that little but potentially damaging thought process, I've got my tool box fully equipped and yeah...life is good.
My son. He is 20 years old. A lovely mature kind-hearted and generally great all-round soul. And yes, I'm totally biassed of course, but he's the apple of my eye, both my kids are. It is amazing to me that he's grown up to be the young man he is today bearing in mind that both his parents are alcoholics in recovery. I mean, we weren't dreadful parents, not like mine were to me, but we certainly put our drinking above everything else for a while. I guess we probably overlooked him and my daughter emotionally. Even just typing that hurts.
H and I have been sober for almost 16 months now. I have talked about addiction openly to my son. I have spoken to him about AA. He's watched my struggles with quitting smoking and has been supportive over me embracing a new and healthy lifestyle. We have done a keep fit class together and looked at a healthy diet, with him taking turns with cooking. It's all been such a lovely process.
And now...he's started drinking. Last night he came home drunk at 2 a.m. Right. Do not panic Jen. Do not start the old negative worry cycle going. He's a young man just finding his feet. Going out with his friends is part of growing up, as is drinking too much. His girlfriend of 4 years is working in another country for a year so he's missing her and filling his time with...alcohol. The one night a week with his friends is starting to stretch into a weekend of drinking. He stops by Sunday because its football Sunday night, and NOTHING comes before football. Every young man his age does this, so I've no need to worry have I?
What do you think my friends?
Ok , so I'm learning how to re-write that little but potentially damaging thought process, I've got my tool box fully equipped and yeah...life is good.
My son. He is 20 years old. A lovely mature kind-hearted and generally great all-round soul. And yes, I'm totally biassed of course, but he's the apple of my eye, both my kids are. It is amazing to me that he's grown up to be the young man he is today bearing in mind that both his parents are alcoholics in recovery. I mean, we weren't dreadful parents, not like mine were to me, but we certainly put our drinking above everything else for a while. I guess we probably overlooked him and my daughter emotionally. Even just typing that hurts.
H and I have been sober for almost 16 months now. I have talked about addiction openly to my son. I have spoken to him about AA. He's watched my struggles with quitting smoking and has been supportive over me embracing a new and healthy lifestyle. We have done a keep fit class together and looked at a healthy diet, with him taking turns with cooking. It's all been such a lovely process.
And now...he's started drinking. Last night he came home drunk at 2 a.m. Right. Do not panic Jen. Do not start the old negative worry cycle going. He's a young man just finding his feet. Going out with his friends is part of growing up, as is drinking too much. His girlfriend of 4 years is working in another country for a year so he's missing her and filling his time with...alcohol. The one night a week with his friends is starting to stretch into a weekend of drinking. He stops by Sunday because its football Sunday night, and NOTHING comes before football. Every young man his age does this, so I've no need to worry have I?
What do you think my friends?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
There is no way to know right now whether he will suffer from alcoholism, if so it will present itself eventually. You are a mom, you are going to worry. But the fact is you are powerless over his behavior, powerless over his genetic makeup, powerless over his future. Keep in mind that God has no grandchildren. You can pray for him, you can pray to have love (as opposed to fear) in your heart, and the right words in your mouth. Be grateful you are sober and will be equipped to help him if it's necessary.
My daughter had a DUI at aged 17, and aged 20. She is now 23. I was worried for years!! I've given it to God. Parenting is tough work.
My daughter had a DUI at aged 17, and aged 20. She is now 23. I was worried for years!! I've given it to God. Parenting is tough work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I have two children, I know I fear that their lives will mirror mine or their fathers. Both alcoholics. One dead and the other recovering after 26 years. To say we did not leave a good example for them to follow is an understatement.
I agree with Kathleen. You can worry but it does not do him or you any good. Praying for him and leaving it in God's hands is all you can do. Worrying does not help him or you.
Whether he has a drinking problem or not is not for you to decide. Only he can come to that conclusion. You have no control over that. The only thing you can do is be there if or when he comes to you for help.
I agree with Kathleen. You can worry but it does not do him or you any good. Praying for him and leaving it in God's hands is all you can do. Worrying does not help him or you.
Whether he has a drinking problem or not is not for you to decide. Only he can come to that conclusion. You have no control over that. The only thing you can do is be there if or when he comes to you for help.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Jeni
He is 20 years old, I agree with all you say. You are an amazing mum, you know whats right, whats wrong, what needs to be said I think really in your heart of hearts.
I wanted to write this to maybe make you consider some points you might want to try and highlight with him, if you were having a heart to heart with him.
This is based on my experience only, so I am not sure how 'worthy' this is. If that makes sense?!!
I had an alcoholic grandad on my dads side.
My mum drinks a lot.
My grandma on my mums side - all her sisters committed suicide.
The point I am trying to make is that if addiction and mental health is genetic, it runs through my family.
So we have the 'nature' bit really.
However, when I look back at my own drinking career I wonder about the 'nuture' bit. The things that we see in our environments, homes, upbringings, significant others, peers etc etc. The things that have an impact on our behaviour, how we act, the habits we acquire through life.
I don't know if this happens in families anyway, but it is things I thing about being a mum myself and passing my DNA and experience on to my daughter.
This is awful to do it in points but it makes it easier for me and maybe you to read?
1. No-one ever really explained 'how' to drink to me when I was in my teens growing up. Because of where I lived at home, I usually drove on nights out. I did not drink very much, if at all. We were not a family that went to the pub or sat round at home and chatted and had a drink.
In contrast my boyfriend at the time did do that with his parents and sister. They had a beer, a glass of wine or a coffee if they felt like that at the kitchen table before they went to bed most nights.
I just never really saw safe drinking demonstrated to me at home, how it should be if that makes sense.
I am not sure if it would have changed the way I drank though? But I have to consider it?
With my daughter when it is time, what will I do? I like to think I will give her a unbiased view, but also share the fact that drinking made me make some bad choices and led to some undignified behaviour.
2. No-one really pointed out the dangers or the red flags in my family where drinking was concerned. It was never talked about. That was the past and it was kept covered up. Maybe if someone had said 'you need to be careful where drinking is concerned because of this.......'? Gentle reminders it could be in my gene's, my DNA, or something I would be prone to.
That was sort of pointed out to me after my parents had found me passed out at the bottom of the stairs in my house after I had drunk vast amounts of vodka starting at 8am in the morning and were on the verge of calling an ambulance.
I don't know if it was a bit late by then!!
3. I learnt the very hard way with drinking and my career. I do wish someone had pointed out to me that my actions at the christmas party might have bearing on me being promoted.
4. I saw that drink smoothed out hard feelings, a bad day, a row with a friend, money problems, disappointments. I watched people do that. I did that myself.
5. I never really did 'light' drinking in anyway. Because I knew no different, I just always drank a lot, big amounts, far too much. I didn't realise I could go to the pub, drink 2 halves of lager, then go home. I thought I had to drink as much as possible.
6. I never knew that it was possible to get addicted to alcohol. I just thought that happened with drugs like heroin. I had no understanding of 'units' of drink and what was considered 'normal' drinking. I never really questioned if drinking a bottle of wine every night was a lot. It was what other women my age and older seemed to do. It was like unless someone was a homeless tramp, having lost everything to alcohol there was not a problem. There was no inbetween. There were no scales of severity. There was no explanation of progressive disease, tolerance etc etc.
7. I felt like I had to drink to fit in. If someone told me when I was 20, you will be proud to say in 20 years time, its nearly 2 years since I had a drink, I would have been more worried about sticking out like a sore thumb for not drinking. No-one said its okay to be bit a shy, just don't expect or allow alcohol to give you false confidence.
8. No-one really sat with me and said 'how do you want others to percieve you?' People you work for, your friends, your family? Do you think the way you drink might have some impact on how these people do view you and is that what you want? I know straight away now that the answer to that would be no I don't want people to see my drinking as a reflection of my abilities. But sometimes if thats all they see, they can't help but think that way.
Does any of this help?
Does any of this make any sense?
I am sorry if it sounds a bit random.
Wishing you the best xxxx
He is 20 years old, I agree with all you say. You are an amazing mum, you know whats right, whats wrong, what needs to be said I think really in your heart of hearts.
I wanted to write this to maybe make you consider some points you might want to try and highlight with him, if you were having a heart to heart with him.
This is based on my experience only, so I am not sure how 'worthy' this is. If that makes sense?!!
I had an alcoholic grandad on my dads side.
My mum drinks a lot.
My grandma on my mums side - all her sisters committed suicide.
The point I am trying to make is that if addiction and mental health is genetic, it runs through my family.
So we have the 'nature' bit really.
However, when I look back at my own drinking career I wonder about the 'nuture' bit. The things that we see in our environments, homes, upbringings, significant others, peers etc etc. The things that have an impact on our behaviour, how we act, the habits we acquire through life.
I don't know if this happens in families anyway, but it is things I thing about being a mum myself and passing my DNA and experience on to my daughter.
This is awful to do it in points but it makes it easier for me and maybe you to read?
1. No-one ever really explained 'how' to drink to me when I was in my teens growing up. Because of where I lived at home, I usually drove on nights out. I did not drink very much, if at all. We were not a family that went to the pub or sat round at home and chatted and had a drink.
In contrast my boyfriend at the time did do that with his parents and sister. They had a beer, a glass of wine or a coffee if they felt like that at the kitchen table before they went to bed most nights.
I just never really saw safe drinking demonstrated to me at home, how it should be if that makes sense.
I am not sure if it would have changed the way I drank though? But I have to consider it?
With my daughter when it is time, what will I do? I like to think I will give her a unbiased view, but also share the fact that drinking made me make some bad choices and led to some undignified behaviour.
2. No-one really pointed out the dangers or the red flags in my family where drinking was concerned. It was never talked about. That was the past and it was kept covered up. Maybe if someone had said 'you need to be careful where drinking is concerned because of this.......'? Gentle reminders it could be in my gene's, my DNA, or something I would be prone to.
That was sort of pointed out to me after my parents had found me passed out at the bottom of the stairs in my house after I had drunk vast amounts of vodka starting at 8am in the morning and were on the verge of calling an ambulance.
I don't know if it was a bit late by then!!
3. I learnt the very hard way with drinking and my career. I do wish someone had pointed out to me that my actions at the christmas party might have bearing on me being promoted.
4. I saw that drink smoothed out hard feelings, a bad day, a row with a friend, money problems, disappointments. I watched people do that. I did that myself.
5. I never really did 'light' drinking in anyway. Because I knew no different, I just always drank a lot, big amounts, far too much. I didn't realise I could go to the pub, drink 2 halves of lager, then go home. I thought I had to drink as much as possible.
6. I never knew that it was possible to get addicted to alcohol. I just thought that happened with drugs like heroin. I had no understanding of 'units' of drink and what was considered 'normal' drinking. I never really questioned if drinking a bottle of wine every night was a lot. It was what other women my age and older seemed to do. It was like unless someone was a homeless tramp, having lost everything to alcohol there was not a problem. There was no inbetween. There were no scales of severity. There was no explanation of progressive disease, tolerance etc etc.
7. I felt like I had to drink to fit in. If someone told me when I was 20, you will be proud to say in 20 years time, its nearly 2 years since I had a drink, I would have been more worried about sticking out like a sore thumb for not drinking. No-one said its okay to be bit a shy, just don't expect or allow alcohol to give you false confidence.
8. No-one really sat with me and said 'how do you want others to percieve you?' People you work for, your friends, your family? Do you think the way you drink might have some impact on how these people do view you and is that what you want? I know straight away now that the answer to that would be no I don't want people to see my drinking as a reflection of my abilities. But sometimes if thats all they see, they can't help but think that way.
Does any of this help?
Does any of this make any sense?
I am sorry if it sounds a bit random.
Wishing you the best xxxx
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
What do you think my friends?
Once upon a time, there was a farmer in the central region of China. He didn't have a lot of money and he used an old horse to plow his field.
One afternoon, while working in the field, the horse dropped dead. Everyone in the village said, "Oh, what a horrible thing to happen." The farmer said simply, "We'll see, We'll see."
He was so at peace and so calm, that everyone in the village got together and, admiring his attitude, gave him a new horse as a gift.
Everyone's reaction now was, "What a lucky man." And the farmer said, "We'll see, We'll see."
A couple days later, the new horse jumped a fence and ran away. Everyone in the village shook their heads and said, "What a poor fellow!"
The farmer smiled and said, "We'll see, We'll see."
Eventually, the horse found his way home, and everyone again said, "What a fortunate man."
The farmer said, "We'll see, We'll see."
Later in the year, the farmer's young boy went out riding on the horse and fell and broke his leg. Everyone in the village said, "What a shame for the poor boy."
The farmer said, "We'll see, We'll see."
Two days later, the army came into the village to draft new recruits. When they saw that the farmer's son had a broken leg, they decided not to recruit him.
Everyone said, "What a fortunate young man."
The farmer smiled again - and said "We'll see, We'll see."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 29
Thank you Sasha for a great, concise "how to be real with your kids" program. I was going to suggest that Jeni's son read Beyond the Influence to get a broader understanding of how the addiction happens, but your comments, IMO point to hopefully a much more effective path.
Jeni, you sound like a great mom, I think worrying is part of the job description. The reason I like Sasha's post so much is that at 55 years old I didn't know that I was an alcoholic until I found some education. Only then did I think of all of my alcoholic relatives on both sides of my family.... It sounds like you already have a great relationship with your son (cooking together, sharing family time) this kind of honest, informative discussion may help him understand more and be able to look for his own warning signs IF they ever appear.
All my best.
Jeni, you sound like a great mom, I think worrying is part of the job description. The reason I like Sasha's post so much is that at 55 years old I didn't know that I was an alcoholic until I found some education. Only then did I think of all of my alcoholic relatives on both sides of my family.... It sounds like you already have a great relationship with your son (cooking together, sharing family time) this kind of honest, informative discussion may help him understand more and be able to look for his own warning signs IF they ever appear.
All my best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if ya pray dont worry.
if ya worry don't pray.
my son becoming an alcoholic is a fear I also have. to maintin my serenity, I must work the steps and keep it in Gods hands and turn my attention to something more useful.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power....
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works - it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined
if ya worry don't pray.
my son becoming an alcoholic is a fear I also have. to maintin my serenity, I must work the steps and keep it in Gods hands and turn my attention to something more useful.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power....
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works - it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thankyou for all your replies, they are so helpful.
I talk to my kids about addiction in a matter of fact way. They have watched me and their Dad and they are intelligent kids. We were drunk every weekend all weekend for most of their lives, and for a long time, years, I fooled myself that because there was no anger and no violence, that they would be unaffected. Of course, that was not the case. Our obsession with alcohol robbed them of the attention and care that should have been theirs. Vodka replaced them at the top of my priority list. For a long time that was the truth of it.
They've also witnessed the difficulties of us being in recovery. I have had some mental health issues which were revealed in full glory once I stopped self-medicating. That has caused me to be remote and distant from them at times. H went through months of being angry and unreasonable. It hasn't all been a bed of roses. In some ways I wonder if our drinking years were easier on them than the first year sober was....
They get it. They understand, well as much as they can I guess. They have witnessed the ugly side of alcoholism from my family, and know why they have limited contact. They know why they can stay with one set of grandparents and not the other.
My son asked me quite early on after I'd got sober whether he might become an alcoholic, and I told him the signs to look out for and how it started with me and their Dad. He is a complete health freak with his sport and diet, so at the moment nothing is done to jeopardise that....we will see I guess. As you so wisely pointed out, apart from educating him there is nothing more I can do.
Except pray...and they are both in my prayers every day.
Thank you for your replies, they mean a lot x
I talk to my kids about addiction in a matter of fact way. They have watched me and their Dad and they are intelligent kids. We were drunk every weekend all weekend for most of their lives, and for a long time, years, I fooled myself that because there was no anger and no violence, that they would be unaffected. Of course, that was not the case. Our obsession with alcohol robbed them of the attention and care that should have been theirs. Vodka replaced them at the top of my priority list. For a long time that was the truth of it.
They've also witnessed the difficulties of us being in recovery. I have had some mental health issues which were revealed in full glory once I stopped self-medicating. That has caused me to be remote and distant from them at times. H went through months of being angry and unreasonable. It hasn't all been a bed of roses. In some ways I wonder if our drinking years were easier on them than the first year sober was....
They get it. They understand, well as much as they can I guess. They have witnessed the ugly side of alcoholism from my family, and know why they have limited contact. They know why they can stay with one set of grandparents and not the other.
My son asked me quite early on after I'd got sober whether he might become an alcoholic, and I told him the signs to look out for and how it started with me and their Dad. He is a complete health freak with his sport and diet, so at the moment nothing is done to jeopardise that....we will see I guess. As you so wisely pointed out, apart from educating him there is nothing more I can do.
Except pray...and they are both in my prayers every day.
Thank you for your replies, they mean a lot x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by Jeni26
What do you think my friends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Music-I am not even close to asking him to leave! He is a respectful, caring and loving young man. He has come home drunk on a few occasions after a night out with his friends. I'm sure if I didn't have the knowledge I do about alcohol, I wouldn't even be concerned to this extent.
Is this not just a rite of passage? He is 20, and the legal age for drinking in England is 18, so he isn't breaking the law. He doesn't drink and drive. He hasn't, as far as I know, put himself or others in a dangerous position.
At his age, I was away at university and getting up to some stuff that I can hardly bare to think about. I was promiscuous and drinking heavily even then.No-one in my family knew what I was getting up to as I'd left home by then, not that they'd have cared anyway.
He has been with his girlfriend since they were 16, and they have a loving and respectful relationship. She is like a daughter to me.
No...this isn't about setting boundaries or needing to be strict with him. It's about my looking into the future and seeing the worst. It's about seeing the few drinks with friends that he's always had on a Friday night, becoming a drunk boozy night, and now about it leading onto a Saturday night too. It's about me knowing how insidious alcohol can be and wanting to protect him from sliding into alcoholism.
He's not bringing drama into my life Music...I just want it to stay that way. For his sake, because he's a good kid and deserves the best.
Is this not just a rite of passage? He is 20, and the legal age for drinking in England is 18, so he isn't breaking the law. He doesn't drink and drive. He hasn't, as far as I know, put himself or others in a dangerous position.
At his age, I was away at university and getting up to some stuff that I can hardly bare to think about. I was promiscuous and drinking heavily even then.No-one in my family knew what I was getting up to as I'd left home by then, not that they'd have cared anyway.
He has been with his girlfriend since they were 16, and they have a loving and respectful relationship. She is like a daughter to me.
No...this isn't about setting boundaries or needing to be strict with him. It's about my looking into the future and seeing the worst. It's about seeing the few drinks with friends that he's always had on a Friday night, becoming a drunk boozy night, and now about it leading onto a Saturday night too. It's about me knowing how insidious alcohol can be and wanting to protect him from sliding into alcoholism.
He's not bringing drama into my life Music...I just want it to stay that way. For his sake, because he's a good kid and deserves the best.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Yes, Jeni...parents can only try their best, but really we are all human beings on our own paths of discovery.
I think it's natural to feel some sort of deep down responsibility as a role model and worry if we've failed.
I think it's natural to feel some sort of deep down responsibility as a role model and worry if we've failed.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Sounds kinda normal compaired to the apprentices i teach jeni , they are 18 - 27 and seem to sometimes over indulge but more often than not , stop after 3 or 4 pints . They all seem more obsessed about football and girlfriends ..
If it became a regular thing that would be more a warning IMHO .
Bestwishes, m
If it became a regular thing that would be more a warning IMHO .
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by Jeni26
My son asked me quite early on after I'd got sober whether he might become an alcoholic
Anyway, my point is that I was horrendously defensive about my drinking from day one. I grew up around a lot of drugs too but I never did any because I always thought I had enough of a problem with alcohol. I knew. It sounds like your son doesn't 'know' and isn't defensive therefore he'll probably be fine (judging entirely on my own narrow criteria). What you are doing though is the best thing you can do and that is leading by example. He is aware of a possible genetic predisposition and is aware that sobriety is an option. In that situation I can't see what there is to worry about, he's in the best possible hands
x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Jen, There comes a time! He has grown up to value his space and position in his home. Most of his peers would be doing this at 16 nowadays. As you say he has his sport and he's trying to find something to fill his Saterday, I think you can call him on it,due to hyper sensitivity, and as long as he knows what to look out for in the early signs of reliance he will be fine. I'm sure he knows he can ask for help from you both, and that's what's missing for most people.
Sasha's Number 8. Is very good advice .
Love John.
Sasha's Number 8. Is very good advice .
Love John.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
My daughter from my first marriage is now 23 yrs old has been living away from home for several years now. I was 9 yrs sober when she was born. She doesn't drink at all. Her choice.
I've always said to her if she drinks she drinks not any of my business. If drinking ever screws up her life, then as a father, that is my business. She has always not drank, so I've never had to face her being a screwy drinker.
Even though if she did drink alcoholically, I know I'm a good example for her to lean on to help her quit. As a father, I know its better to have the trust of my child then it is to be the parent with all the answers - which both her and I know I can't ever be that person.
I have total faith and belief in her trust in me. That is enough for me no matter if she drinks or not. Being a parent is tough enough without us doubting ourselves. Be good to yourself, Jeni. You're a great example. Believe both in yourself, your husband, and your son.
BTW
--- "if you pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray." --- is just total nonsense to me. In practice it would be useless in real life.
I pray when I don't worry, and when I do worry. My worry has nothing to do with me being in prayer. I pray because pray works, not because its useful only under whatever decided personal circumstances - prayer always works is my experience. I don't always like the early results, but having said that much, I always like the final outcomes.
Worry if you must, but whatever you do, don't let worry be anything more then just what it always really is: being human is all it can ever amount to be. Take it easy.
I've always said to her if she drinks she drinks not any of my business. If drinking ever screws up her life, then as a father, that is my business. She has always not drank, so I've never had to face her being a screwy drinker.
Even though if she did drink alcoholically, I know I'm a good example for her to lean on to help her quit. As a father, I know its better to have the trust of my child then it is to be the parent with all the answers - which both her and I know I can't ever be that person.
I have total faith and belief in her trust in me. That is enough for me no matter if she drinks or not. Being a parent is tough enough without us doubting ourselves. Be good to yourself, Jeni. You're a great example. Believe both in yourself, your husband, and your son.
BTW
--- "if you pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray." --- is just total nonsense to me. In practice it would be useless in real life.
I pray when I don't worry, and when I do worry. My worry has nothing to do with me being in prayer. I pray because pray works, not because its useful only under whatever decided personal circumstances - prayer always works is my experience. I don't always like the early results, but having said that much, I always like the final outcomes.
Worry if you must, but whatever you do, don't let worry be anything more then just what it always really is: being human is all it can ever amount to be. Take it easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you all. He stayed in last night and cooked dinner for us all. We talked and laughed and did the usual family stuff that still seems so precious to me. It reminds me of the wasted years. When dinners got half cooked because I was too wasted to serve them or we lived on easy to cook or takeout menus. Life as a family is immeasurably better and my relationship with my kids is on a different level. This is the life I always wanted for them and it is still a mystery to me how I allowed alcohol to strip us of that.
I failed them in so many ways and every evening we spend together underlines my commitment to them and my sobriety.
No more looking back. I am making my amends to them by my actions today and every day. I will watch over him and my daughter. She sounds like yours Robby, not interested in drinking at all. She is the more sensitive of my children and I'm guessing the one most like me, although she has her Fathers temperament....
Time will tell I guess. But whatever happens, I'm the Mum today that I always should have been and I'm in a place where I can guide, help and advise.
Thank you all. X
I failed them in so many ways and every evening we spend together underlines my commitment to them and my sobriety.
No more looking back. I am making my amends to them by my actions today and every day. I will watch over him and my daughter. She sounds like yours Robby, not interested in drinking at all. She is the more sensitive of my children and I'm guessing the one most like me, although she has her Fathers temperament....
Time will tell I guess. But whatever happens, I'm the Mum today that I always should have been and I'm in a place where I can guide, help and advise.
Thank you all. X
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry you are worrying about this Jeni.
My son is only small but it does worry me about what might happen when he is older.
I agree with the others though,worrying will not change anything, just make you feelworse.
At 20,this is pretty normal weekend behaviour but it doesn't tend to last.Most grow out of it as theyget older and settle down. I think it's just something that has to run its course.Hopefully he;ll see how much happier and focused you and his dad aresober and realize that excessive drinking isn't something he wants.
Someone once said to me we have to give our children roots and wings. Wings to fly off and do these things for themselves without us,having hopefully taught them the 'right ' way of doing things. And roots,so they know they can always come back to us
Stay strong xx
My son is only small but it does worry me about what might happen when he is older.
I agree with the others though,worrying will not change anything, just make you feelworse.
At 20,this is pretty normal weekend behaviour but it doesn't tend to last.Most grow out of it as theyget older and settle down. I think it's just something that has to run its course.Hopefully he;ll see how much happier and focused you and his dad aresober and realize that excessive drinking isn't something he wants.
Someone once said to me we have to give our children roots and wings. Wings to fly off and do these things for themselves without us,having hopefully taught them the 'right ' way of doing things. And roots,so they know they can always come back to us
Stay strong xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Jeni26
Every young man his age does this, so I've no need to worry have I?
What do you think my friends?
but
something to keep an eye on
might wish to mention to him also
to keep an honest eye on himself
the one who has deceived me the most is the one in the mirror
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Jeni26
I'm prone to worrying. All it takes is a little niggle sometimes, and before I know it, that has grown into a full-blown anxiety. My thoughts get carried away and run through each and every possible scenario or outcome to an issue until it becomes impossible for me to seperate reality from fantasy. That has always been a big problem for me. That and the 'Don't trust this good feeling, you know it won't last'....''what makes you think you deserve to feel this happy? Something bad will happen now..that will serve you right'...
Ok , so I'm learning how to re-write that little but potentially damaging thought process, I've got my tool box fully equipped and yeah...life is good.
My son. He is 20 years old. A lovely mature kind-hearted and generally great all-round soul. And yes, I'm totally biassed of course, but he's the apple of my eye, both my kids are. It is amazing to me that he's grown up to be the young man he is today bearing in mind that both his parents are alcoholics in recovery. I mean, we weren't dreadful parents, not like mine were to me, but we certainly put our drinking above everything else for a while. I guess we probably overlooked him and my daughter emotionally. Even just typing that hurts.
H and I have been sober for almost 16 months now. I have talked about addiction openly to my son. I have spoken to him about AA. He's watched my struggles with quitting smoking and has been supportive over me embracing a new and healthy lifestyle. We have done a keep fit class together and looked at a healthy diet, with him taking turns with cooking. It's all been such a lovely process.
And now...he's started drinking. Last night he came home drunk at 2 a.m. Right. Do not panic Jen. Do not start the old negative worry cycle going. He's a young man just finding his feet. Going out with his friends is part of growing up, as is drinking too much. His girlfriend of 4 years is working in another country for a year so he's missing her and filling his time with...alcohol. The one night a week with his friends is starting to stretch into a weekend of drinking. He stops by Sunday because its football Sunday night, and NOTHING comes before football. Every young man his age does this, so I've no need to worry have I?
What do you think my friends?
Ok , so I'm learning how to re-write that little but potentially damaging thought process, I've got my tool box fully equipped and yeah...life is good.
My son. He is 20 years old. A lovely mature kind-hearted and generally great all-round soul. And yes, I'm totally biassed of course, but he's the apple of my eye, both my kids are. It is amazing to me that he's grown up to be the young man he is today bearing in mind that both his parents are alcoholics in recovery. I mean, we weren't dreadful parents, not like mine were to me, but we certainly put our drinking above everything else for a while. I guess we probably overlooked him and my daughter emotionally. Even just typing that hurts.
H and I have been sober for almost 16 months now. I have talked about addiction openly to my son. I have spoken to him about AA. He's watched my struggles with quitting smoking and has been supportive over me embracing a new and healthy lifestyle. We have done a keep fit class together and looked at a healthy diet, with him taking turns with cooking. It's all been such a lovely process.
And now...he's started drinking. Last night he came home drunk at 2 a.m. Right. Do not panic Jen. Do not start the old negative worry cycle going. He's a young man just finding his feet. Going out with his friends is part of growing up, as is drinking too much. His girlfriend of 4 years is working in another country for a year so he's missing her and filling his time with...alcohol. The one night a week with his friends is starting to stretch into a weekend of drinking. He stops by Sunday because its football Sunday night, and NOTHING comes before football. Every young man his age does this, so I've no need to worry have I?
What do you think my friends?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by Jeni26
Music-I am not even close to asking him to leave! He is a respectful, caring and loving young man. He has come home drunk on a few occasions after a night out with his friends. I'm sure if I didn't have the knowledge I do about alcohol, I wouldn't even be concerned to this extent.
Is this not just a rite of passage? He is 20, and the legal age for drinking in England is 18, so he isn't breaking the law. He doesn't drink and drive. He hasn't, as far as I know, put himself or others in a dangerous position.
At his age, I was away at university and getting up to some stuff that I can hardly bare to think about. I was promiscuous and drinking heavily even then.No-one in my family knew what I was getting up to as I'd left home by then, not that they'd have cared anyway.
He has been with his girlfriend since they were 16, and they have a loving and respectful relationship. She is like a daughter to me.
No...this isn't about setting boundaries or needing to be strict with him. It's about my looking into the future and seeing the worst. It's about seeing the few drinks with friends that he's always had on a Friday night, becoming a drunk boozy night, and now about it leading onto a Saturday night too. It's about me knowing how insidious alcohol can be and wanting to protect him from sliding into alcoholism.
He's not bringing drama into my life Music...I just want it to stay that way. For his sake, because he's a good kid and deserves the best.
Is this not just a rite of passage? He is 20, and the legal age for drinking in England is 18, so he isn't breaking the law. He doesn't drink and drive. He hasn't, as far as I know, put himself or others in a dangerous position.
At his age, I was away at university and getting up to some stuff that I can hardly bare to think about. I was promiscuous and drinking heavily even then.No-one in my family knew what I was getting up to as I'd left home by then, not that they'd have cared anyway.
He has been with his girlfriend since they were 16, and they have a loving and respectful relationship. She is like a daughter to me.
No...this isn't about setting boundaries or needing to be strict with him. It's about my looking into the future and seeing the worst. It's about seeing the few drinks with friends that he's always had on a Friday night, becoming a drunk boozy night, and now about it leading onto a Saturday night too. It's about me knowing how insidious alcohol can be and wanting to protect him from sliding into alcoholism.
He's not bringing drama into my life Music...I just want it to stay that way. For his sake, because he's a good kid and deserves the best.
This isn't about your son and his relationship with his girlfriend. It's about you and your relationship with your husband. You immediately started to defend your son's actions and make excuses which is what most parents do and only makes the problem worse. I'm not suggesting you boot him out. I told you what I/we did with our son because the problem got worse. My son didn't cause problems in the legal sense but his actions disrupted things here at home. What he was doing was the subject of many conversations between me and my wife and because we'd been sober 15 years at the time, we knew what we had to do. We set boundaries. We're the parents and it's our right to make the rules in our home, without asking his permission or taking his feelings into consideration.
Question: If you aren't bothered about what he's doing, why are you here discussing it with total strangers? The last thing you asked in your original post was "What do you think my friends?" Well, that's what I think. It's your choice to set boundaries or wait until things get so far out of hand you're forced to do something. My thinking is that at 20 years old, he should be thinking about getting out on his own anyway. What's the delay?
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