normie advice
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
normie advice
Some opinions needed. Ah is in a outpatient program and he goes a few times a week which involves therapy and group therapy.
He continues to drink with maybe a day or two sober periods where he says he just cant stop
And needs medication help.
He says hes going to ask for it or already has.which ever.
His recent group session he was in day 2 of no drinking and he sort of went off in the session.
He told me what happened afterwords (given his sober streak ended following the session because he came home clearly been drinking)
Anyhow he pretty much told them every little personal problem between us...then attacked me (though I wasnt there he expressed blame and anger towards me. Nothing major. Ive never hurt him ).
Not liking what I like. Little things I do that he hates. Pretty much bashing who I am as a person and then bashing me some more while telling me he bashed me.
Its crazy making. He came out with alot of stuff in the session. Im glad he opened up but as he told me everything I felt as though he was trying to make me the problem though he said I need to attack him like that in the family session. He needs to move on from his guilt and I need to get everything out. I actually would rather not.
I guess im wondering if this is common?
Is there validity there or is he just struggling and in the alcoholuc rabbit hole?
I feel like its insanity and im on the same ride. I actually started crying. Maybe because I dont want to deal with the craziness anymore. Ive seen heard and said. I do want to be supportive but just tired
Any idea thoughts experience. ..all welcome. Thanks.
He continues to drink with maybe a day or two sober periods where he says he just cant stop
And needs medication help.
He says hes going to ask for it or already has.which ever.
His recent group session he was in day 2 of no drinking and he sort of went off in the session.
He told me what happened afterwords (given his sober streak ended following the session because he came home clearly been drinking)
Anyhow he pretty much told them every little personal problem between us...then attacked me (though I wasnt there he expressed blame and anger towards me. Nothing major. Ive never hurt him ).
Not liking what I like. Little things I do that he hates. Pretty much bashing who I am as a person and then bashing me some more while telling me he bashed me.
Its crazy making. He came out with alot of stuff in the session. Im glad he opened up but as he told me everything I felt as though he was trying to make me the problem though he said I need to attack him like that in the family session. He needs to move on from his guilt and I need to get everything out. I actually would rather not.
I guess im wondering if this is common?
Is there validity there or is he just struggling and in the alcoholuc rabbit hole?
I feel like its insanity and im on the same ride. I actually started crying. Maybe because I dont want to deal with the craziness anymore. Ive seen heard and said. I do want to be supportive but just tired
Any idea thoughts experience. ..all welcome. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: london UK
Posts: 16
Hi there thislonelygirl. I know exactly how you are feeling. I was in that same place a few months ago,it was a very very crazy and sad place. I hanged around for 6 years thinking and hoping that I could change him,whilst he emotionaly and mentally abused me. Until one day I woke up and realised that his behaviour towards me is UNACCEPTABLE. I was sad,lonely,depressed and felt so so lost and it was due to him why I was feeling like this. I also learnt that whilst I stayed with him he was never going to get help for his drinking.So yes I got up and walked away,i did it and you know why cause I LOVE MYSELF!!!! And so should you. You should not be treated like this no one should.And yes I know you want to be supportive and helpful, so did I,but they are not babies they are grown men and only they can help themselves. Don't deal with their craziness it only turns you crazy, believe me it was happening to me. Walk away honestly,you deserve more!!!! Where I am now, the ocean is calmer.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Thanks.
I do feel like I have one foot out the door and yet I cant make that decision even though I know I need my space. I need to breathe.
Im overwhelmed. Im also very tired of being the person he blames .
He actually told me to go find another guy to talk to about my interests because he doesnt care.
I dont take that seriously since he was acting nuts ...still....being told something like that from your s.o is not healthy. Not even remotely normal. Getting at my brain to leave and stay gone until its a for sure.
I guess im asking because he says it so often and to others that I started to think maybe I contribute. I dunno maybe its a mix of him being alcoholic and me being annoying. ....thats sure how he makes me feel anyhow
I do feel like I have one foot out the door and yet I cant make that decision even though I know I need my space. I need to breathe.
Im overwhelmed. Im also very tired of being the person he blames .
He actually told me to go find another guy to talk to about my interests because he doesnt care.
I dont take that seriously since he was acting nuts ...still....being told something like that from your s.o is not healthy. Not even remotely normal. Getting at my brain to leave and stay gone until its a for sure.
I guess im asking because he says it so often and to others that I started to think maybe I contribute. I dunno maybe its a mix of him being alcoholic and me being annoying. ....thats sure how he makes me feel anyhow
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
He "might" have reason to act like that had he actually stopped drinking. When we alcoholics quit,our minds get pretty scrambled for a while.
But the fact is,HE IS STILL DRINKING. If he is trying to stop because you want him to,perhaps deep down he is blaming you and he doesn't even realize it. Quitting is very very difficult,and it has to be the alcoholics idea.
We might start off with the best of intentions. But sooner or later the cravings kick our butt,and we give in. In order to stop the alcoholic has to be fed up with it,and has had enough.
But in my opinion,all bets are off until he actually stops drinking. THEN he might warrant some understanding. But until then,he's just spinning his wheels and going nowhere.
I hope something in there somehow makes some sense.
Fred
But the fact is,HE IS STILL DRINKING. If he is trying to stop because you want him to,perhaps deep down he is blaming you and he doesn't even realize it. Quitting is very very difficult,and it has to be the alcoholics idea.
We might start off with the best of intentions. But sooner or later the cravings kick our butt,and we give in. In order to stop the alcoholic has to be fed up with it,and has had enough.
But in my opinion,all bets are off until he actually stops drinking. THEN he might warrant some understanding. But until then,he's just spinning his wheels and going nowhere.
I hope something in there somehow makes some sense.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
Take care of yourself. Find some support, like Alanon or CoDA. Read some literature by Melanie Beatty about coaddiction. Learn to detach with love.
You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.
Best wishes.
You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
it may be time to learn some things regarding alcoholism
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl 
Ah is in a outpatient program and he goes a few times a week which involves therapy and group therapy.
He continues to drink with maybe a day or two sober periods where he says he just cant stop
Is there validity there or is he just struggling and in the alcoholuc rabbit hole?
inpatient may make for a real sober start (possible fighting chance) ?
yes - he seems to have the alcoholic rabbit hole thing going on
if you sit down with him and read the AA Big Book together out loud
you will both be amazed how much you learn regarding alcoholism
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Keep in mind his drinking problem and related issues are his problems. He can blame whomever he wants but at the end of the day he is the one with the issues and the power to resolve them or choose not too. Granted thats easier said then done its hard for you to not step in it so to speak because you simply want to be supportive and its hard for him to not blame you since he's clearly not thinking straight.
I would say try and shield your emotions but still remain supportive. You have to understand he's not thinking straight and do your best to not let it get to you. Of course like others have stated there is only so much one person can take.
As far as his comment about finding someone else to discuss your interests because he doesnt care. I thought the same stuff myself. I still do sometimes. reason being is I got so much going on in my head that is draining me emotionaly and physically that its so hard to find a shred of me left sometimes for anyone else. I'd also think stuff like this as a way to protect the other individual from me. I knwo they got there emotions out there and I dont want to stomp on them further so I cut the relationship off so as to not cause any further damage. Dunno if that makes any sense.
I would say try and shield your emotions but still remain supportive. You have to understand he's not thinking straight and do your best to not let it get to you. Of course like others have stated there is only so much one person can take.
As far as his comment about finding someone else to discuss your interests because he doesnt care. I thought the same stuff myself. I still do sometimes. reason being is I got so much going on in my head that is draining me emotionaly and physically that its so hard to find a shred of me left sometimes for anyone else. I'd also think stuff like this as a way to protect the other individual from me. I knwo they got there emotions out there and I dont want to stomp on them further so I cut the relationship off so as to not cause any further damage. Dunno if that makes any sense.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Honestly, none of this is going to work if he is "in the bag" off and on. Outpatient Therapy typically includes an abstinece requirement. It will be difficult in the least to make any progress. "You" are not his issue. He is focusing on "You" because he does not want to focus on the real issue he is there to work on. He is not doing it intentionally. It is a defense mechanism. As long as he points the finger outward and does not take a look inward AND stop drinking there will be not progress. I don't even know that family group would be advisable. Just my 2 cents.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Nevertheless
He "might" have reason to act like that had he actually stopped drinking. When we alcoholics quit,our minds get pretty scrambled for a while.
But the fact is,HE IS STILL DRINKING. If he is trying to stop because you want him to,perhaps deep down he is blaming you and he doesn't even realize it. Quitting is very very difficult,and it has to be the alcoholics idea.
We might start off with the best of intentions. But sooner or later the cravings kick our butt,and we give in. In order to stop the alcoholic has to be fed up with it,and has had enough.
But in my opinion,all bets are off until he actually stops drinking. THEN he might warrant some understanding. But until then,he's just spinning his wheels and going nowhere.
I hope something in there somehow makes some sense.
Fred
But the fact is,HE IS STILL DRINKING. If he is trying to stop because you want him to,perhaps deep down he is blaming you and he doesn't even realize it. Quitting is very very difficult,and it has to be the alcoholics idea.
We might start off with the best of intentions. But sooner or later the cravings kick our butt,and we give in. In order to stop the alcoholic has to be fed up with it,and has had enough.
But in my opinion,all bets are off until he actually stops drinking. THEN he might warrant some understanding. But until then,he's just spinning his wheels and going nowhere.
I hope something in there somehow makes some sense.
Fred
If he is trying to stop because you want him to,perhaps deep down he is blaming you and he doesn't even realize it
He might actually feel like that since the people center of his blame and anger are those who have a problem with his drinking whereas everyone he "likes" actually enables the behavior. Not just that but hes said things that suggest he knows he has a drinking problem. ..wishes he didnt but hasnt come to terms with never drinking again and that "we" anyone who acknowledges his problem are pushing his buttons and think were better than him and hes been drunk and said I as well as his parents want us to do what we want him to do. Not what he wants to do.
Maybe hes still lookimg for a way to fix him being an alcoholic so he can drink and not remove alcohol from his life???
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
TLG, I'd strrrrrrongly suggest Alanon. And I don't mean "go to alanon meetings." That's just group-therapy with no therapist present. What I mean is go to alanon, find someone who's happy....but who's gone through what you're going through. Look for someone who's got a level of contentment with life....and ask them if they've "worked all 12 steps in alanon." If they have.....ask them if they'll help you. It's about the greatest compliment someone in recovery (and alanon's ARE in recovery too) can get. It's an honor. Then.....work the program by working through the steps.
I'd be happy to offer advice as to what would have worked had I been your actively alcoholic husband (and I was that person for many years) here but I'm pretty sure you'd find it cold or uncaring.
As was suggested earlier, you're dealing with a possible alkie (don't know if he is or not) who's still drinking. That would be like trying to talk to someone who's still sleeping......or trying to teach math to someone who's in the middle of a boxing match. Your dealings with him now should be VERY limited and with little to no expectations that anything you say will hit home or sink in.
I'd be happy to offer advice as to what would have worked had I been your actively alcoholic husband (and I was that person for many years) here but I'm pretty sure you'd find it cold or uncaring.
As was suggested earlier, you're dealing with a possible alkie (don't know if he is or not) who's still drinking. That would be like trying to talk to someone who's still sleeping......or trying to teach math to someone who's in the middle of a boxing match. Your dealings with him now should be VERY limited and with little to no expectations that anything you say will hit home or sink in.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by DayTrader
TLG, I'd strrrrrrongly suggest Alanon. And I don't mean "go to alanon meetings." That's just group-therapy with no therapist present. What I mean is go to alanon, find someone who's happy....but who's gone through what you're going through. Look for someone who's got a level of contentment with life....and ask them if they've "worked all 12 steps in alanon." If they have.....ask them if they'll help you. It's about the greatest compliment someone in recovery (and alanon's ARE in recovery too) can get. It's an honor. Then.....work the program by working through the steps.
I'd be happy to offer advice as to what would have worked had I been your actively alcoholic husband (and I was that person for many years) here but I'm pretty sure you'd find it cold or uncaring.
As was suggested earlier, you're dealing with a possible alkie (don't know if he is or not) who's still drinking. That would be like trying to talk to someone who's still sleeping......or trying to teach math to someone who's in the middle of a boxing match. Your dealings with him now should be VERY limited and with little to no expectations that anything you say will hit home or sink in.
I'd be happy to offer advice as to what would have worked had I been your actively alcoholic husband (and I was that person for many years) here but I'm pretty sure you'd find it cold or uncaring.
As was suggested earlier, you're dealing with a possible alkie (don't know if he is or not) who's still drinking. That would be like trying to talk to someone who's still sleeping......or trying to teach math to someone who's in the middle of a boxing match. Your dealings with him now should be VERY limited and with little to no expectations that anything you say will hit home or sink in.
Thanks daytrader for the advice
Yes hes a full blown alcoholic. Theres no doubt about that.
I really should deal with him on a limited basis.... its crazy because i get to where im sure and then he manipulates where im not. I really need to get to that place.
Im going to take your advice though.
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