spryte

Hi,

I am a chronic relapser, and I guess I am a real alcoholic. I really struggle with alcohol use. It has taken over my whole personality, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I quit my job because I didn't like it, and I haven't worked since. It has been one year. I am going back to school to do something else but I don't want to make a mistake.

I feel so uncertain, so full of doubt, and I continue to drink.

Please help me, say anything that can help

Kathleen41

I know how you feel. I couldn't stop drinking either. I drank nealy every day, as much as 10-16 beers. I did crazy things while drinking. I fought with my spouse my children and my friends. Everyday I was hung over, and said I wouldn't drink again, but I always did. I drove drunk. I was pitiful, my teenage son even told me so. It was so hopeless I considered suicide.

Yesterday was my 10 month sober anniversary! There is hope for you.

doggonecarl

Have the faith in yourself to believe you can get sober, then do the things that have worked for recovered alcoholics.

You will be surprised how quickly doubts and uncertainity go away with sobriety.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're still struggling Spryte.

what are you doing for your recovery these days?

D

spryte

Thanks everyone! To answer your question Dee, I am going to AA. My sponsor is on vacation and I really miss her. I also go to Smart meetings online. I think my recovery efforts are good, I just need to keep them up. I do get tired of the relapse cycle though, as do those around me, I'm sure.

Life has gotten overwhelming lately. My mother has dementia and I am the primary caregiver. I am doing my best.

I know I need to dig in to my recovery efforts but it feels like there are so many balls to keep in the air.

Dee74

I'm sorry about your mum - I can imagine thats a constant source of worry and stress.

do you have any help to share that load?

D

Sudz No More

I was in the same cycle as you Spryte, rinse and repeat. I finally decided to seek counseling and it made me feel accountable to someone or something. I didn't want to feel like a failure to him, almost like getting a task at a job from the boss. You don't want to mess it up and make yourself look bad. This is the way I felt about drinking after I got a counselor. I knew I couldn't go to him having drank, either I would be wasting his time and mine or having to lie and feel like an utter failure to myself hiding the truth. Pretty soon, drinking didn't seem all that important anymore. Not wanting to feel inadequate gave me the strength I needed to stay off booze long enough to get some strength in sobriety.

You can do it if you put your mind to it. I am sure you can. Don't give up.

RobbyRobot

Good to see you reaching out on SR, Spryte. You know, it really doesn't matter how many failures or disappointments you may have already had its in the not giving up on yourself that will take your efforts at quitting into a successful sobriety.

Addiction ambivalence is the thing to deal with to break that relapse cycle your dealing with time and again. It is difficult to not take ambivalence personally, I know, but if you can see your way to being a bit more objective with re-visiting how addiction is not something for you to feel guilty about for whatever reasoning, you may end up feeling more hopeful and optimistic even though you're presently struggling.

Quitting is not impossible, and so you CAN quit and stay quit, Spryte. You absolutely can!

EternalQ

Spryte: first it is nice to see you. I have missed seeing you on the site!

Second there are many support groups for primary caregivers. If you google caregiver wupport group or contact the Division of Aging you can find them. They have groups in person and online. Perhaps that is the missing link for you?

My Mom did not have dementia but I was her caregiver for two years when she was terminally ill. I wanted to go to support groups but I was too afraid. I often wonder if I had, if I mightve quit drinking sooner. As it was I couldn't do it till after she died. I was profoundly isolated but I could have done something about it. I'd hate to see your sobriety wait like mine did.

Sending you strength and hugs, Eq.

sobergirl77

I understand and am going through the same thing. I always relapse, always have. Probably always will until I die.

You are loved.

RobbyRobot

I've said the same words as you about myself when I was failing at quitting back in my day. I was miserable and such talk came honestly. I was also dead wrong. Quitting does work. The actual quit has its own ways of changing us and getting through the crap that comes with quitting is the big challenge.

Its difficult to imagine being in a happy and successful recovery when we're hurting and angry with how things keep on going back to drinking as the best solution, like it used to back when drinking worked, for lack of better words.

Whatever. Sooner or later, drinking doesn't work out for us, and quitting comes onto the menu, and people all too often get stuck in that relapse cycle of smoke and mirrors. We fool ourselves into thinking that just drinking can't be the worst thing and so more drinking results.

Quitting works. Addiction ambivalence in action makes quitting a challenge - we both want to quit and at the same time we also want to drink - and this kind of thing can and does really mess us up until life itself seems pretty pointless.

Quitting works. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Quitting causes change to happen no matter how difficult is the challenge with addiction ambivalence. Taking advantage of the quit is the key to staying quit. it can really be difficult to grasp when you're still drinking that drinking itself is the first problem to solve - the rest of your life can be worked out without the drinking. Its not rocket science after all. Any of us can be heroes. Seriously.

Quitting works

EndGameNYC

Love this, Robby:

"Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."

newwestdork

I know what you mean about it taking over your personality - I was the same way. I was always the drunkest guy in the room, and I always had a reason to drink - I was angry, celebrating, bored, socializing, having "alone time", whatever. Giving up drinking seemed like depriving myself of something fundamental in my life and I had no idea what I was going to replace it with.

I've found that I liked who I was sober. I was the guy who showed up to work early, not hours late and hung over. I was the guy who could look back on the night before and remember doing something kind for my wife, instead of a fight and blackout. I was the guy who seemed to be getting together a lot of aspects of my life that had previously felt totally out of control. I might not be the "wild and kerazy guy" anymore, but honestly that guy was a bit of a jackass.

I hear you on the relapsing as well, as I relapsed for the first time last night. I'm waiting for an AA meeting nearby to start - have you considered joining it or something similar? I found that when I went regularly it reminded me of my desire to quit drinking, and I intend to return to attending regularly.

Please don't give up - just because you've relapsed, it doesn't have to be the end. Even if it takes a bunch of attempts to get sober for good, I think it's better than the alternative. There's always hope - make today your first sober day.

FeenixxRising

You just have to keep at it. Try again and again and again if you have to. I suggest admitting deep down to your soul that you can never drink with control. At some point you need to remove alcohol from the options on your menu. I suspect you still have drinking as option available to you.

longbeachone

My Mom has dementia too. I can totally sympathize with you. It's so exhausting, and you must constantly remind yourself that the things Mom does aren't because she is trying to make you nuts, it's just her trying to figure out a world that no longer makes sense. The "shadowing" for instance, or following you everywhere you go, every minute of the day...you are the one thing your Mom understands, so she must keep you in sight at all times. My Mom has virtually no short term memory at all. She also regressed in age back to young adulthood. She constantly asks When her parents are going to pick her up, or she wants to call her Mom. Having to tell her over and over that her parents have been dead for years is awful, because it's always like the first time she hears it.

Incidentally, my Mom was a functional alcoholic, who drank wine daily. A glass or two at lunch, 4 or 5 every night. She had high blood pressure as a result, which is what caused the vascular dementia she now has. She is 78.

spryte

Well, I re-read this again and was blown away by all the helpful and profound things everyone had to say.

I'm glad to say, I think I have finally realized how destructive drinking is. Not so much in a "I'm an alcoholic and I'm powerless over alcohol" kind of way, but in a "Drinking is going to destroy my sanity, my health, and my ability to earn an income" kind of way. I have five weeks in now, and it is not a white-knuckling experience.

Realizing where I'm headed has snapped me into ACTION. And action feels really good, so it is not white-knuckling. I'm not depriving myself of anything. I'm saving myself from certain misery.

There is a nice quote that sums up how I feel lately: If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading. Lao Tzu

Except I think it's more of a certainty where I am heading, if I choose to drink. I've heard too many sad stories; I know the drill. I am NOT going down that way.

I have chosen a recovery plan that works for me, and I set the rest aside.

Ok, be well everyone And thanks for the support!

doggonecarl

Great news, Spryte. I love a good update story.

KateL

I was a serial relapser but have been ok for ten years. It can be done. I thought I was a hopeless case. Stick around some more xxxx

inabadway

Here's the thing, coming from a guy who never once held a job over the long term. I always had to work for myself.

Maybe thats your answer? Maybeyou just aren't meant to have a job? Maybe you need to be out of "the system" a bit?

thisisme

"Please help me, say anything that can help"

The last 8 years have been the greatest of my life. I owe it all to sobriety.