ninthchance

I joined in 2004. It's now 2013. Things have been up and down, sober and drunk. I've been determined to stay sober, then time has gone by where I didn't need conviction- it was easy, I was a casual drinker. Hard to believe, but it's true. So when u get back to a point, where it's clearly a problem again, how do you figure it out? I am getting married in two weeks. I just feel like I am somehow cheating him. Bc I have this problem. I think I'm probably freaking out a bit, naturally, but not bc I dont have faith in our love or lives together, just bc I feel bad about who I feel I used to be

Dee74

For me, if I went back to drinking, I always ended up back at that point I didn;t want to be - where alcohol was using me rather than the other way around.

I have to be honest and say the only way I turned things around was to admit my relationship with alcohol was toxic to the core, and cut alcohol out of my life completely.

Do you feel ready for that ninthchance?

D

ninthchance

To be honest- I don't think he wants to be with an alcoholic. I think that I know that I am, but I don't want to face my future when/if I am honest about that. It's strange bc I'm actually quite good at controlling myself when I must- but it doesn't seem to last?I'm exhausted bc I work 50 hours per week, plus commute another 20 per week. And I try to take care of cleaning and laundry and everything that has to do with the house. I feel like i've been "good" for years, but now when the weekend rolls around I get wasted again and I'm back in my old ways.

EndGameNYC

I don't know about your drinking, and I can't predict whether or not you'll be happy with your future husband.

But starting off a marriage with such a big secret is generally not a good idea.

Dee74

not sure if you mean he doesn't want to be with an alcoholic at all, or just one who's drinking.

I think, in any case, it's probably better for you to leave your husband to one side for now and focus on you, focus on getting sober and staying that way.

There's a world of difference between an active alcoholic and an alcoholic in recovery.

The latter is the real you

you'll feel better, you'll see things in a different way, you'll remember who you used to be....I can't see why your husband would not respond positively to that

D

longbeachone

Wow, you're getting married in two weeks to a man who doesn't know that you're an alcoholic? I don't really know what to say, except this: If you love him, be honest. Starting something as life changing as a marriage over a secret this big will be rough. How might you feel if he married you, then afterward you found out that he was a drug addict? I'm sorry this is happening to you right before your wedding. It's got to be an enormous burden. Take care, and I wish you well.

Dee74

Sorry I didn't even assume that he might not know, ninthchance.

I don't think that's something you can, or should, keep secret.

D

ninthchance

Oh it's definitely been an issue. He has a real temper problem that we deal with on his end. There's no "end result". We are happy together now, and I honestly believe we are in a good spot. Forever? I'm not sure. Im not sure about anything! There is no man that I would feel unconditionally safe with. Do you? Im probably eternally skeptical.

Nuudawn

I'm assuming this means you are able to control it for others rather than yourself? You are able to control if for fear of the disappointment or abandonment from others? That's not controlling it ninthchance..that is being controlled..much like alcohol can control our lives.

It's an uphill climb when we want to quit drinking for fear of losing someone or something. Although it motivates, I am of the mind it will not promote lasting sobriety until we want it for ourselves. I want sobriety because I want to know, accept and understand myself just the way I am...without the fraudulence of alcohol. I want to be...authentic.

Why do you want sobriety?

Reeny

Have to agree with EndGame. Not the same thing but maybe this is something to think about - a friend of mine's husband told her on her wedding night that he was a transvestite. She's stayed with him because he vowed that he would 'stop' (but he hasn't and she knows it). Her life has changed irrevocably ...

Take care, ninthchance.