ninthchance

I have been struggling with alcohol for a long time now. I am alone and drinking, at the computer, and I randomly decided to see if my account here was still up and running and it is. I reviewed my old posts (from 2004 when I was 24) and it makes me sad to see what I was writing then, how much insight I had, how much I wanted to change, and to sit here now and realize I realize I really haven't changed a bit.

when I was writing then, I was in a very serious crisis mode. I was in severe depression, I drank alone, barely left my apartment. I was very anxious, paranoid, and depressed. Since then, I managed to get myself together, graduate from business school, and commence a pretty decent life for myself.

the thing is, I know that I haven't. I still drink in private. to the point it gets scary. I wake up with bruises and cuts on my body I have no idea how i got them.

no one knows i do this. YES-- ppl definately know I'm a "big drinker" - but it has not escalated to the level where people feel they need to intervene...as there are numerous people we all know who exhibit the same behavior.

and I tell myself that if people don't know what i'm doing, or what i've done, then it didn't happen. well I'm really coming to the realization that it did happen. I am hurting my body, I am hurting myself, and I don't want to reach rock bottom. I'm sitting here now, very peaceful, slightly drunk, knowing what lays ahead if I don't stop, but finding it very hard to stop when there is nothing that pressing making me do so. I need to find some inner strength. I am not religious, I was not brought up that way. So if anyone has any tips please share

thank you for listening. I wish you all well

Peter G

Wow NC, that's a serious hiatus lol! Glad to see you back here. I always found that when things get rough I need to come on here and re-read my first few posts, when I truly decided I wanted no more to do with booze. Gives you a perspective and a bit of recall back to the really bad times. It's worked to keep me sober more than once when I was about to head out and mess up again.

Try not to stay away so long this time mate!

mtnmagic

Welcome back ninthchance glad you are here.

I first joined SR in December 2006 and while I have been on here regularly,
I am starting my 8th day of sobriety today. It has been a long, lonely
horrible road, but I'm glad I'm alive to try and recover from my alcoholism today.

You mention about having insight in the past tense. Well there is no reason
that your insight will not return should you choose to put down the drink and make a new commitment to yourself to stay sober for the next 24 hours.

By posting here, you are reaching out and that is a huge step. Congratulations. You don't have to stay in isolation anymore if you don't want to. Lot's of fantastic people here to support you on this journey for sobriety.

I think we both know that this peaceful feeling that you are experiencing at the moment is fleeting and carries a big price. Maybe one that you really don't want to pay anymore. I can really relate to the feeling of if others don't know what you are doing then it isn't happening or real. Boy did I almost kill myself off with that!

Anyway, I hope you stick around and give this a shot. As I see it we both have nothing to lose and a whole new life to gain if we really want to.

ninthchance

thanks for responding!

I actually feel great, I have great friends and fam. good job. I am still single tho and I'm 31 and I know I can't date b/c I have such a hard time opening up to someone in the way you should to a close partner, ya know?

it's hard b/c I know I have a lot to offer, but I feel like there is a serious thing holding me back.

I'm not a drama queen, haha, I know people go through waaaaay more insane things than this.

I feel guilty for feeling low. I know I shouldn't.

ninthchance

I am sick over it. I have been fooling everyone for years now. again, I know that people probably think I drink too much....but it's never risen to the level where I actually have to do it for someone else, or other people. so therefore, I don't . but I know that I am in trouble. I have been since 2000.

ste

Sometimes, for me, guilt is a motivater, other times the opposite!
Do what you know is right, not what you think, and it will be alright.
When you put down the bottle it becomes more clear.
Don't fool yourself. I fool myself too easily!

Dee74

Hi NinthChance

Welcome back

I basically spent 1992-2007 in varying degrees of insanity with drinking - I started as a binger and ended up for the last 5 years I was drinking all day everyday.

I'm coming up to 4 years sober. It is possible.

Acceptance was key for me - acceptance that drinking was not solving my problems and was, in fact, creating new ones...acceptance that I was living a far lesser life than I was capable of, and acceptance that I was an alcoholic.

Don't follow me down to the depths I reached - the jump between secret binge drinker and all day everyday drinker nearly dying on my bathroom still doesn't look a big one to me...it happened so incrementally I simply didn't realise it.

Get help and find support now. I really believe it's never to late or too soon to turn things around

D

Stevie1

Wow ninth, I could have written your post at 31. I was doing great, working, travelling all over the world, making good money... knew I had a problem drinking because I sometimes drank alone to complete intoxication but mostly was partying hard with a heavy drinking crowd.

By 41 it had cost me a marriage, some friends, two wrecked vehicles...and mental and physical integrity. By 51 I was an out of control, solitary - to - blackout drinker with a whole bunch of failed attempts at sobriety behind me and a whole lot of guilt and shame; years and years worth. One of my little mental games was telling myself I'd wait until I "hit bottom" before quitting, which is pretty stupid in retrospect. If hitting bottom meant killing someone while driving drunk, well, I don't think anyone wants to go there.

So....I think you have a lot more insight and integrity than I did about my drinking at 31! That's got to be scary, waking up with cuts and bruises, very scary.

FWIW, I have always, my entire life, been staunchly agnostic (not atheist) but I'm just starting with AA and for the first time in many years am hopeful that I can finally become sober for good. I don't expect to "get religion" with it but I've always acknowledged that there's some sort of universal life energy outside of myself, for want of a better term. But if not AA, there are secular programs like Rational Recovery. White-knuckling myself into abstinence never worked for me in the long run...and abstinence isn't the same as real sobriety, I now realise.

brocat

Ninth sounds like you are challenging yourself here. Do you want to be making as similar comment in 2016. My sister is 46 and an alcoholic. If you asked her, she couldn't pinpoint when she graduated from being a heavy drinker to being an alcoholic but it has been more than five years. in the past twelve months she has been in detox three times and rehab for three months. Actually she is in detox now, its been five days and since Jan 1st they no longer allow smoking. That will be a struggle. Before she went into detox. She told me that she is just so tired of trying. 31 a good time to start.

ninthchance

thank you for that response.

i need to tell my parents what is really going on.

it's funny. I'm 31, but in my parents eyes, I'm a little girl. and I think I have let myself stay there. I know I'm not.

I've known since I was 19, a year after I took my first drink, that I had a problem. and I knew for SURE, that I was in trouble, the first time I took a drink by myself, watching some stupid movie, miliking a bottle of wine, that I was opening a whole new chapter. I knew the moment I opened that bottle of wine, that I was opening pandora's box.

brocat

If I could be having a conversation with my sister (i love her to bits despite her cruel comments to me when she is drunk) when she was 31 .... if only. Dont know where you at now but she drinks all day - 4-5 litres. Her life is so empty. Don't let it happen to you Ninth. ther is so much pleasure to be had in living!!

ninthchance

thank you

my brother's don't want to deal with me

the older one is in denial, the younger one is pretty ****** up himself. he'sl younger (25)

we have great conversations. but he knows we both have issues. he definately does too, it's just time.

LaFemme

Well...I also could Have written your posts...at about 32 my life started to unravel...at least internally...took me another 5 years to get sober during which time I really upped the ante on my already pro lematic drinking.

No one ever said anything to me. We are Yankee's and Nordics in my family. Never lost a job or anything but I lost something far worse...I lost myself.

I am now 6 months sober and life is so much better. Come find out how great it can jbe if you put down the bottle!

LaFemme

DrunkenBasement

Ninth, you sound A LOT like me... I also knew when I took my first drink that it was probably going to be a problem for me. I also ended up drinking alone for the last few years, to the point of oblivion. I also had friends who were heavy drinkers and so my ability to keep up with them never raised any red flags. I am the youngest of three girls, and while my parents and older sisters know that alcohol has made me do some stupid and dangerous things, I believe they have no idea how much of a problem it really was...they never intervened, and I have reason to believe they would have had they susppected anything. I am their "baby", and so maybe they were in denial... I don't really know.

I never lost anything due to my drinking... I mean besides my sanity! Never lost a job, friends, etc. But I did get severely depressed and eventually had to just accept that it would continue and continue to worsen if I didn't stop and find a different way to navigate life. I started by going to AA (just about a month after my 32nd birthday). I wasn't court ordered. I walked in the rooms on my own, after having researched the program so I knew what it was about and what to expect at my first meeting. I liked it and continued to go. It made sense to me...in order to stay sober, I have to stop dwelling on the past, stop worrying about the future, help others wherever I can, and believe in something greater than myself, which for me is god, but it doesn't have to be...you just basically have to believe that YOU are not the greatest thing going! There is something greater.

Well, it has been two months and I am sober. No longer even wanting a drink. I know the day may come when I want a drink, but I have come a long way in the past two months. I haven't gone to many meetings recently, and I am considering the possibility that I understand what I need in my life and that AA helped me understand that, but that I may not need the program to stay sober. Who knows, I may fall on my ass and find out that I was wrong! Two months seemed unfathomable to me before, but in the grand scheme of things it is not so long. I still have a lot of work to do.

My point is that it can be done. You might try AA, but people get sober without AA. You do need to accept that this way of life is not working and something needs to change, and you must work to change it. I feel a lot better, but I know that not every day will be great. Life still happens, and you will have ups and downs, but you will learn how to face them without alcohol. You will recognize the beauty that life has to offer each and every day and you will see it with a newfound clarity. I sometimes feel like a kid again! In a way, I am a kid again, too. Alcohol stunted my growth, mentally and spiritually, and did awful things to my body. I am rediscovering who I was and who I am supposed to be. I am moving forward, in the present.

Good luck to you! I look forward to more posts from you.

MsCooterBrown

Welcome Ninth.. For me..I finally realized that I was out of control. Had been for years. I did my time in the bars but towards the end I drank alone at home. Alot. Reason..I drank to get drunk and didn't want a dui..so I grounded myself. Isolated BIGTIME. Finally just got sick of being so sick. The hangovers..the blackouts started more often. It was getting harder and harder just to start my day. Never lost my job. Often went to work with hangovers so bad it took half a day to begin to feel normal. Then after work drank again to feel better. Vicious cycle. I hope you come to terms with the fact that drinking is controlling you. Once you come to terms with that, sobriety is yours to take.
Welcome back!

CarolD

Glad you remembered we ar here...
Welcome back...

My bottom had nothing to do with external circumstances
My alcoholism turned me into a woman I detested.

To get sober I took positive action....AA works great for me.
Here is a list for you to explore....AA is not the only way

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Hope you find your way into a healthy sober future..

ninthchance

I'm back again . 35 now doing great professionally, living in a home I love, and about to be married in just 2 weeks. Struggling again. Feel like a fraud.

Dee74

Hi again ninthchance

I'm still here

what do you think is stopping you from putting down the drink for good?

D

ninthchance

I guess I'm surrounded by fun ppl who don't have issues. I don't want to create one.

ninthchance

I can't believe I subscribed to this board almost 10 years ago! That blew my mind.