What exactly is a "dry drunk"?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I don't believe in dry drunks I have known too many "dry drunks" who are not alcoholic over the years to give the term any credence.. There just are some miserable people with unpleasant personalities out there. If you take a drunken schmuck and take away his booze, you will still have a schmuck.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by neferkamichael 
It's a negative judgemental term used to describe a person not doing the AA program and the only place I've ever heard it used is at a AA meeting. 
I remember years ago mentioning to someone that my Godfather who never went to AA has decades of sobriety and that person saying: he is not in the program? He must be a dry drunk.
I was like ???? you don't even know him and FYI he is one of the nicest, most balanced person I know.
But like the saying goes, when someone points the finger at someone else, they have 3 fingers pointing back at them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 79
I want to go on record as saying I very much dislike the term "dry drunk." A person struggling with sobriety, whether in a program or not, doesn't deserve to be called a name like that. Quitting drinking is all it takes to get sober. Usually, it takes more than that to get healthy, especially after years of substance abuse. I don't see the point in calling someone a pejorative name just because they need help.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 542
My experience was that it was more of an accurate assessment of my life made by someone that was concerned for me. It was said to me by my AA sponsor who knew me, whom I had done my steps with, and had heard my 4th step inventory. She knew I was in danger, and so she told me I might be a dry drunk.
Once more...it's not black or white. I would try not to "generalize" it.
If someone were to say it to you, I would simply ask for clarification as to what they meant by it.
Only then would it be defined in that moment by the person that said it and the person that it was said to.
Generalizations, definitions...categorically are of no use to anyone...they separate and divide.
No one likes to be labeled anything...again, I said at first I hated the term, and thought it was horrible, until I realized that it was an accurate assessment of alcoholic thinking and behaviors present without drinking alcohol and an indication that I was in danger of drinking again.
Unless you have an AA sponsor that has said this personally to you and had the opportunity to ask for clarification and the meaning to be defined as it related to you personally and your recovery program...interpretation is just opinion.
I had it said to me personally and I was offended. I was super angry. How dare she say that to me!!!
I was livid...so livid I got drunk.
That will show her.
How dare someone say that to me.
I realized that she cared about me and was trying to warn me that I was in danger, and that is my honest experience with the term dry drunk.
If I wasn't so easily offended, and could actually not judge the person that said it to me, I may have learned something.
Live and learn.
I read the OP's take on hearing it at group level in an AA meeting defined or interpreted as someone in AA but not working the steps. I have never heard that definition.
Someone in AA meetings but not working the steps to me is merely someone in the fellowship but not working the program outlined in the book which includes the steps.
There is the AA fellowship and meetings, and there is the AA program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because you go to meetings only and haven't started step work, would not be indicative of being a dry drunk to me, but again, this is why everyone's opinion varies...we all have different experiences.
I guess the main thing, or most important thing I got out of this thread is:
Don't let anything anyone says keep you from recovery. Seek your own truth and experience.
Once more...it's not black or white. I would try not to "generalize" it.
If someone were to say it to you, I would simply ask for clarification as to what they meant by it.
Only then would it be defined in that moment by the person that said it and the person that it was said to.
Generalizations, definitions...categorically are of no use to anyone...they separate and divide.
No one likes to be labeled anything...again, I said at first I hated the term, and thought it was horrible, until I realized that it was an accurate assessment of alcoholic thinking and behaviors present without drinking alcohol and an indication that I was in danger of drinking again.
Unless you have an AA sponsor that has said this personally to you and had the opportunity to ask for clarification and the meaning to be defined as it related to you personally and your recovery program...interpretation is just opinion.
I had it said to me personally and I was offended. I was super angry. How dare she say that to me!!!
I was livid...so livid I got drunk.
That will show her.
How dare someone say that to me.
I realized that she cared about me and was trying to warn me that I was in danger, and that is my honest experience with the term dry drunk.
If I wasn't so easily offended, and could actually not judge the person that said it to me, I may have learned something.
Live and learn.
I read the OP's take on hearing it at group level in an AA meeting defined or interpreted as someone in AA but not working the steps. I have never heard that definition.
Someone in AA meetings but not working the steps to me is merely someone in the fellowship but not working the program outlined in the book which includes the steps.
There is the AA fellowship and meetings, and there is the AA program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because you go to meetings only and haven't started step work, would not be indicative of being a dry drunk to me, but again, this is why everyone's opinion varies...we all have different experiences.
I guess the main thing, or most important thing I got out of this thread is:
Don't let anything anyone says keep you from recovery. Seek your own truth and experience.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
The term does not offend me as I do think there may be some important information behind it. Although I guess it was coined in AA...and I'm not a member of AA, I consider it to be someone who has not done the work of recovery wherein they work on their stuff. You don't have to been alcoholic to be my definition of a "dry drunk". In my mind, you still maintain an external locus of control rather than an internal one. You are still dependent on other people, substances or things to define your identity and self worth. You play the victim and seek to blame things outside of yourself as you have not recovered your actual self. You have not achieved "emotional sobriety" wherein you can handle and regulate your own emotions. You have achieved a peace and calm and a reliance on self. You captain your own ship and are able to easily invite others onboard without losing yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I don't have much experience with hearing others use this term, but after reading all the posts, I take it as similar if not the same as Terence Gorski's idea of relapse behavior, the spiraling outward of all the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that can lead to a relapse.
It seems that ideas and concepts in AA are conveyed in a peculiar type of language, that I see in other recovery programs, it's just labelled or discussed differently. That's why I value all the programs really, because when you can digest the language of each program you begin to see thread of commonality, and that's where the overlap shows the wisdom in that particular program.
But yeah, "dry drunk" doesn't sound too flattering or classy, lol!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
It seems that ideas and concepts in AA are conveyed in a peculiar type of language, that I see in other recovery programs, it's just labelled or discussed differently. That's why I value all the programs really, because when you can digest the language of each program you begin to see thread of commonality, and that's where the overlap shows the wisdom in that particular program.
But yeah, "dry drunk" doesn't sound too flattering or classy, lol!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
is there a true meaning for "dry drunk" ?????
I really don't like the way in which the term "dry drunk" is thrown around these days
I have heard it used in so many contexts
in many ways it can mean almost anything
thus means not much to me
but
for the believers the below may be interesting
Mountainman
I have heard it used in so many contexts
in many ways it can mean almost anything
thus means not much to me
but
for the believers the below may be interesting
Mountainman
Some alcoholics who experience the dry drunk seem to know all the answers, are seldom at a loss for words when it comes to self-diagnosis. Their knowledge is quite impressive, their apparent insight, as opposed to genuine insight, is convincing.
CORRECTIVE MEASURES: Those undergoing a dry drunk lead impoverished lives. They experience severe limitations to grow,, to mature, and benefit from the possibilities that life offers. They lack the freshness and spontaneity that genuinely sober alcoholics manifest. Their life is a closed system, attitudes and behaviors are stereotyped, repetitive, and consequently predictable.
Alcoholics learn early that humility and a power greater than them- selves are the bedrock for a genuine and productive sobriety. An unusual measure of self-discipline must accompany the ego deflation process. Needed is self-discipline in honesty, patience and responsibility towards the recovery process [and acceptance of their disease]. [To improve long term goals of sobriety be aware of mental stressors, get more involved in the recovery program, get active in the 12 steps, get and use a sponsor, talk things out.] Hopefully. they will begin to appreciate the ironic folly of those alcoholics who think life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then them- selves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and are no longer subject to the embarrassing need of repairing the wrongs they have done.
When dry drunk alcoholics awaken to this irony that they, still unmanageable, still powerless, are the ones who have made this remarkable "recovery," they may feel sufficiently mortified to want to change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
name calling, labeling, passing judgement....browbeating....why?
doesn't work for me
if you are sober and struggling as so many of us are at different points, i would think that offering an encouraging word or gesture works much more effectively to help someone.
doesn't work for me
if you are sober and struggling as so many of us are at different points, i would think that offering an encouraging word or gesture works much more effectively to help someone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
Defining "dry drunk" is like defining the "color blue". It's not a scientific term, it's just two words put together.
Then I thought... Is it "Drunk"... that maybe "drunk" seems too judgmental.
How about...
"A recovering alcoholic who is struggling with sobriety and is having a hard time being happy about it?"... That's only, what, 18 words... seems 2 words says the same thing.
PC sux sometimes, and maybe I am just contemporarily culturally impaired, LOL...
Don't worry I am gone. One lesson, though, I continue to learn is that I don't make the rules, and neither do you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
here's the answer -- no one knows
Originally Posted by Mark75
Actually, I was trying to understand why people get so upset and crazy by those two words... Still have hard time... It's not browbeating, name calling, whatever....
I think that the term dry drunk is usually used in a negative way
my sponsor who has well over 20 years sober throws it out occasionally
I have let him know that I do not like the term
like I said before dry drunk can mean almost anything
(the guy was sober but mean to his neighbors - dry drunk)
(the guy was full of pride - dry drunk)
(the guy went out on his wife - dry drunk)
(the guy hung out at bars - dry drunk)
(the guy could not control his tong - dry drunk)
add 10 million more here
what I'm asking here is what exactly does dry drunk mean
here's the answer -- fill in the blank -- no one knows
Mountainman
my sponsor who has well over 20 years sober throws it out occasionally
I have let him know that I do not like the term
like I said before dry drunk can mean almost anything
(the guy was sober but mean to his neighbors - dry drunk)
(the guy was full of pride - dry drunk)
(the guy went out on his wife - dry drunk)
(the guy hung out at bars - dry drunk)
(the guy could not control his tong - dry drunk)
add 10 million more here
what I'm asking here is what exactly does dry drunk mean
here's the answer -- fill in the blank -- no one knows
Mountainman
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 639
Originally Posted by KyrieEleison
My experience was that it was more of an accurate assessment of my life made by someone that was concerned for me. It was said to me by my AA sponsor who knew me, whom I had done my steps with, and had heard my 4th step inventory. She knew I was in danger, and so she told me I might be a dry drunk.
Once more...it's not black or white. I would try not to "generalize" it.
If someone were to say it to you, I would simply ask for clarification as to what they meant by it.
Only then would it be defined in that moment by the person that said it and the person that it was said to.
Generalizations, definitions...categorically are of no use to anyone...they separate and divide.
No one likes to be labeled anything...again, I said at first I hated the term, and thought it was horrible, until I realized that it was an accurate assessment of alcoholic thinking and behaviors present without drinking alcohol and an indication that I was in danger of drinking again.
Unless you have an AA sponsor that has said this personally to you and had the opportunity to ask for clarification and the meaning to be defined as it related to you personally and your recovery program...interpretation is just opinion.
I had it said to me personally and I was offended. I was super angry. How dare she say that to me!!!
I was livid...so livid I got drunk.
That will show her.
How dare someone say that to me.
I realized that she cared about me and was trying to warn me that I was in danger, and that is my honest experience with the term dry drunk.
If I wasn't so easily offended, and could actually not judge the person that said it to me, I may have learned something.
Live and learn.
I read the OP's take on hearing it at group level in an AA meeting defined or interpreted as someone in AA but not working the steps. I have never heard that definition.
Someone in AA meetings but not working the steps to me is merely someone in the fellowship but not working the program outlined in the book which includes the steps.
There is the AA fellowship and meetings, and there is the AA program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because you go to meetings only and haven't started step work, would not be indicative of being a dry drunk to me, but again, this is why everyone's opinion varies...we all have different experiences.
I guess the main thing, or most important thing I got out of this thread is:
Don't let anything anyone says keep you from recovery. Seek your own truth and experience.
Once more...it's not black or white. I would try not to "generalize" it.
If someone were to say it to you, I would simply ask for clarification as to what they meant by it.
Only then would it be defined in that moment by the person that said it and the person that it was said to.
Generalizations, definitions...categorically are of no use to anyone...they separate and divide.
No one likes to be labeled anything...again, I said at first I hated the term, and thought it was horrible, until I realized that it was an accurate assessment of alcoholic thinking and behaviors present without drinking alcohol and an indication that I was in danger of drinking again.
Unless you have an AA sponsor that has said this personally to you and had the opportunity to ask for clarification and the meaning to be defined as it related to you personally and your recovery program...interpretation is just opinion.
I had it said to me personally and I was offended. I was super angry. How dare she say that to me!!!
I was livid...so livid I got drunk.
That will show her.
How dare someone say that to me.
I realized that she cared about me and was trying to warn me that I was in danger, and that is my honest experience with the term dry drunk.
If I wasn't so easily offended, and could actually not judge the person that said it to me, I may have learned something.
Live and learn.
I read the OP's take on hearing it at group level in an AA meeting defined or interpreted as someone in AA but not working the steps. I have never heard that definition.
Someone in AA meetings but not working the steps to me is merely someone in the fellowship but not working the program outlined in the book which includes the steps.
There is the AA fellowship and meetings, and there is the AA program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because you go to meetings only and haven't started step work, would not be indicative of being a dry drunk to me, but again, this is why everyone's opinion varies...we all have different experiences.
I guess the main thing, or most important thing I got out of this thread is:
Don't let anything anyone says keep you from recovery. Seek your own truth and experience.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 542
You are welcome Brian. I think it's important to inquire as to exactly what is meant rather than guess.
People can say things and it might have a different meaning to each person.
The only way to know what a person means for sure is to ask them.
(if it is said to you, or you hear it)
Mark talked about it being used to describe one's self. I have never seen it that way but understand now that it could be self diagnosed for sure.
My experience was that I had only had it said to me about me by my sponsor.
So you see, how it can vary...
It was a good topic, and I am glad that all were able to express how they felt about it.
No need to apologize...some topics generate debate. We all have our opinions as to how we feel about things.
I guess that is why it is best to speak to a subject when we have personal experience with it rather than opinions.
Have a wonderful sober day and keep listening to the series I shared with you, and keep reading your book...keeping an open mind...and the truth shall be seen.
I am glad recovery makes sense to me today.
People can say things and it might have a different meaning to each person.
The only way to know what a person means for sure is to ask them.
(if it is said to you, or you hear it)
Mark talked about it being used to describe one's self. I have never seen it that way but understand now that it could be self diagnosed for sure.
My experience was that I had only had it said to me about me by my sponsor.
So you see, how it can vary...
It was a good topic, and I am glad that all were able to express how they felt about it.
No need to apologize...some topics generate debate. We all have our opinions as to how we feel about things.
I guess that is why it is best to speak to a subject when we have personal experience with it rather than opinions.
Have a wonderful sober day and keep listening to the series I shared with you, and keep reading your book...keeping an open mind...and the truth shall be seen.
I am glad recovery makes sense to me today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
Originally Posted by Carlotta
I don't believe in dry drunks I have known too many "dry drunks" who are not alcoholic over the years to give the term any credence.. There just are some miserable people with unpleasant personalities out there. If you take a drunken schmuck and take away his booze, you will still have a schmuck.
AGREE ,an a-hole is that drunk or sober .
GREAT POST .
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