1undone

it's actually pretty scary. I think this disease is going to get me. Everyone has tried almost everything. I have done so much and yet I still drink.

I have fought so hard. I did the unimaginable twice now - suicide attempts but Im watched 24/7 so that was pathetic.

I've been a member here for a while. I'm not sure what Im trying now by coming here again. This disease is sad and all my relationships are falling apart.

soberclover

By you being here it must mean that there is a little spark inside you that wants to get sober. You mentioned that "everyone has tried everything...I have done so much." It was a mixed thought reflecting the past. I suggest just focus on today. I was clean and sober 13 years; relapsed for 8 years and now sober for 8 months. I'm also a professional in the field of addiction. I believe that everyone is capable of recovering from their addiction. It just takes some of us longer. I hope for you that you find peace and serenity in recovery.

1undone

Hey appreciate your response. I forgot to stay in the moment. Takes so much energy. Seems simple but......

tomsteve

being watched 24/7 may be a good thing for ya. you may want to listen to the advise given to ya.

one thing im wonder:
Everyone has tried almost everything.

I believe there is a problem here. for me it didn't matter what everyone did. it mattered what i did.

there was a HUUUUGE difference for me when I stopped trying and started doing. when I decided I would do whatever I had to do to get and stay sober and was willing to put in the footwork, not having other people do the footwork for me( that didn't work for crap), remarkable things started happening.
I haven't had a drink since.

are ya willing to do whatever ya gotta do to get and stay sober? are ya willing to take accountability and responsibility for your recovery?

LadyBlue0527

soberclover said it, you want this, you want to be sober. If you didn't you wouldn't have come here at all.

tomsteve completed the thought and a question that you must answer in order for you to come to the decision that you have to make. Are you willing to do what it takes?

You know what you need to do and it starts by formulating a plan so that when you have urges and cravings you follow that plan, no matter the circumstance.

Do you have a plan in place?

You can do this!

Stimmed

People here, care about you. You can never loose while sharing a problem. Great things were not and never will be built in a day. Listen and learn from folk that have more time than I, to help you. Don't give up... because lots of people will loose out. Give, like you can, instead of taking something that is so hollow that you will never be able to benefit from.

1undone

Thanks so much.

Am I willing to do whatever it takes? Not sure how to picture that in my mind when the addiction beast arrives at about 2pm each day.

I thought I had a plan. I'm not watched as in told what not to do, etc. I just stay at home and my husband works from home. Whatever I do WILL have to be 100% me. He has (as have all) given this to me and let go. And he most certainly should.

Not sure how to plan. AA was a bust! It was okay for a while but f-d me up pretty good. I keep coming back here because I know Im not alone. I've isolated since AA. I thought well, since this isn't a healthy plan for me maybe I am one of the "unfortunates" that is spoken of in the "How it Works" reading. I hate that reading with a passion.

mick3580

Aa was a bust? It wasn't healthy for you? I can relate; I've had those same thoughts at times. Much of this was due to my own lack of understanding of what aa is all about. This was largely due to people in aa who misrepresented it. It was also due to my own fear of losing my sense of security by living a totally different way. I hope you find the answer to your problem. Aa worked with my drinking as well as a very serious gambling problem. Lots of other stuff got better too. But there was a lot of aa that I had to unlearn because it was not part of the original recipe.

visch1

Many people react to AA like some hide a bottle in a paper bag. I made up lots of dishonest things about the program because I was living in fear and was ignorant of how it works. I wasn't/am not a religious person and wondered about this "spiritual thing" Eventually I plugged the jug and tried to get honest with myself and worked the program to the best of my ability and became very/too active, all for my benefit. One of the things that scared me was working on the reasons I drank, my feelings, not a newcomers topic normally but I needed to focus on that. Turned out to be very enlightening and rewarding. I keep coming because I want to, even many years later. BE WELL

sugarbear1

Sending you love and hugs

Dee74

What have you tried so far 1undone?

D

1undone

Tried AA for 2+yrs 3+ meetings per week.

I've tried a lot - off the top of my head:

Hospitalized
Psychotropic drugs
Years of talk therapy
Classes on meditation & tons of wellness classes
Books books books
SoberRecovery.com - lots of .coms..
Talking to friends & family
And yes the spiritual aspect is a part of all of this

Oh so much. I'm 45 and have been in some form of therapy, education, from the age of 16.

I can say this with 100% certainty my issues started after panic attacks began. Once that cycle of fight or flight started randomly happening in my life I've been on one hell of a ride @ 16! Of course my eating disorders began right afterward.... I couldn't catch a break! When I was in my second trimester of my one and only pregnancy - there I sat in group therapy!

I can't compare myself or what I've done bad or good to anyone. I'm not special but thank you for asking.

I'm tired. Can you tell?

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that. I meet so many people it's hard to keep track of who did what

I think some of us need to acknowledge we have more than just alcoholism going on.

I drank for a lot of reasons but certainly to self medicate for depression anxiety and panic attacks.

I needed to tackle not only my alcoholism but those panic attacks and depression too.
Maybe you need a two pronged approach as well?

I realise you've tried a lot of things before...but things change..treatments change. We change too.

I wouldn't rule anything out

There's absolutely no reason to think that you're a hopeless case. I have never met one yet

1undone

Made it through today. I'm pretty sure it has to do with opening back up after my "hide under the rock" episode.

Please God don't let me isolate! Can we just start there?????

GroundhogDay

Congrats on making it through the day. Make a plan to be on SR before the AV beast hits you at 2 pm tomorrow.

Michael66

Hey there 1undone,

If it's not too painful, can you say why AA messed you up?

Keeping you in thoughts and prayers. It seems so unfair that some people try so hard and still struggle so much. Will complain to God for you!

Acheleus

I feel frustrated with my relapses, I have tried to get sober since January. Making sobriety my number one priority is all I know to do now. Stay strong and believe in yourself.

1undone

Don't make me explain or rather discuss the AA failing. I'm here, that's all that should matter. Lets just say there are lonely people in the program and IM NOT ONE OF THEM!


Please accept me and let me express my feelings. Good, bad or whatever you judge. I am a victim of AA and they (the org.) would fight tooth and nail to make it about me! The sick addict that a small group prey upon.



Thank goodness for this site.

Sudz No More

There are other ways 1undone, I never prescribed to the whole group thing either but I am finding other ways. You can too.

I found what helped me was a one on one weekly session with a counselor. I now do every other week and may eventually go to once a month. It really did make a difference in those early days, 90 and beyond. Now at 7 months I sometimes wonder about continuing but I don't want to mess with a good thing so go I will.

I hope you find what works for you.

1undone

SUDZ- I see a whole slew of doctors too and I have my good and bad days. Thank you for the understanding.

I get scared for my future and that of my family. My Psychiatrist warned me that AA would come up a lot when I came back here. I hope I am not sounding like a jerk about it. I just want support like everyone else. I used to like AA and it was helpful for a short time.

Anywho! Thanks again for the post.