forgot some things in my 5th step
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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forgot some things in my 5th step
I forgot to tell my sponsor some things in my 5th step not purposely I just didn't realize them at the time I am so used to suppressing things and not good at being honest with myself. I told her what I thought was my worst secret and she didn't judge at all. I have two things to talk to her about and I am scared she will judge me still. Im not sure whether it is appropriate to tell her or my therapist. I need to move past these things and live my life happy. I am a lot happier and feel a little more comfortable in my own skin but I still struggle with anxiety and self esteem issues. What do you think is there ever a thing as telling a sponsor too much information? I just scared of being judged. I might just talk to my therapist about them they are trained to handle these things.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
What's your gut tell ya? Tell the therapist, see how you feel. Getting it out counts!!!
Big hugs to you!
(I worked through the steps 4 times in 18 months, only the sponsor I did the first 5th steps knows the really cruddy stuff, the other one does not)
Big hugs to you!
(I worked through the steps 4 times in 18 months, only the sponsor I did the first 5th steps knows the really cruddy stuff, the other one does not)
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I wouldn't argue that we should always bare all our secrets with our sponsors, but I most certainly would talk about such things with my therapist, if only because she is legally bound by confidentiality. It isn't always easy to be "rigorously honest" with our sponsors. This doesn't mean that we'd be better off keeping things to ourselves.
One of the biggest obstacles in achieving self respect lies in our expectation that others will judge us -- from the way we look, the clothes we wear and, yes, to the secrets we carry. It's often true that we expect others to be judgmental because that's how we treat ourselves, and sometimes how we treat others.
To be clear, I'm not saying that it's always a good thing to tell our sponsors everything. But talking about this with your therapist will likely bring you to a better place with all this.
One of the biggest obstacles in achieving self respect lies in our expectation that others will judge us -- from the way we look, the clothes we wear and, yes, to the secrets we carry. It's often true that we expect others to be judgmental because that's how we treat ourselves, and sometimes how we treat others.
To be clear, I'm not saying that it's always a good thing to tell our sponsors everything. But talking about this with your therapist will likely bring you to a better place with all this.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
What's your gut tell ya? Tell the therapist, see how you feel. Getting it out counts!!!
Big hugs to you!
(I worked through the steps 4 times in 18 months, only the sponsor I did the first 5th steps knows the really cruddy stuff, the other one does not)
Big hugs to you!
(I worked through the steps 4 times in 18 months, only the sponsor I did the first 5th steps knows the really cruddy stuff, the other one does not)
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
I wouldn't argue that we should always bare all our secrets with our sponsors, but I most certainly would talk about such things with my therapist, if only because she is legally bound by confidentiality. It isn't always easy to be "rigorously honest" with our sponsors. This doesn't mean that we'd be better off keeping things to ourselves.
One of the biggest obstacles in achieving self respect lies in our expectation that others will judge us -- from the way we look, the clothes we wear and, yes, to the secrets we carry. It's often true that we expect others to be judgmental because that's how we treat ourselves, and sometimes how we treat others.
To be clear, I'm not saying that it's always a good thing to tell our sponsors everything. But talking about this with your therapist will likely bring you to a better place with all this.
One of the biggest obstacles in achieving self respect lies in our expectation that others will judge us -- from the way we look, the clothes we wear and, yes, to the secrets we carry. It's often true that we expect others to be judgmental because that's how we treat ourselves, and sometimes how we treat others.
To be clear, I'm not saying that it's always a good thing to tell our sponsors everything. But talking about this with your therapist will likely bring you to a better place with all this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Anoronha
I forgot to tell my sponsor some things in my 5th step not purposely I just didn't realize them at the time I am so used to suppressing things and not good at being honest with myself. I told her what I thought was my worst secret and she didn't judge at all. I have two things to talk to her about and I am scared she will judge me still. Im not sure whether it is appropriate to tell her or my therapist. I need to move past these things and live my life happy. I am a lot happier and feel a little more comfortable in my own skin but I still struggle with anxiety and self esteem issues. What do you think is there ever a thing as telling a sponsor too much information? I just scared of being judged. I might just talk to my therapist about them they are trained to handle these things.
i think ya need to back up a few steps if ya got fear. reads like ya took yer will and yer life back and are playin God, which is leading ya to insanity and a drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Anoronha
See I have this problem sometimes I wonder what is appropriate to share with a sponsor and therapist because some of the things you share is really intimate and personal. I judge myself very harshly but this thing is eating up at me today really badly I see my therapist on Wednesday she is also in recovery has 11 years so maybe she can act in place of my sponsor for this particular secret.
if its eatin ya up that bad, my suggestion is to quit screwin around and call yer sponsor.
what im reading is the decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol hasn't been made.
quit screwin around, Anoronha. this is a life or death matter and yer worth life sober. look back on the baggage ya told yer sponsor....aint on yer shoulders anymore,is it?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I agree with telling your therapist, especially if it's something that's really bothering you. (Besides, that's what they're there for!) She may also be able to help you decide if you want to share this with your sponsor.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
NOWHERE does it say you have to do your 5th step with your sponsor. In fact "Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person" is straight from the Big Book! Get it done and move on with the steps. 
BB quote from the 1st edition of the BB
BB quote from the 1st edition of the BB
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by tomsteve
doesn't matter what yer lil secret is, it aint unique.whether it was words or actions, its been done.
if its eatin ya up that bad, my suggestion is to quit screwin around and call yer sponsor.
what im reading is the decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol hasn't been made.
quit screwin around, Anoronha. this is a life or death matter and yer worth life sober. look back on the baggage ya told yer sponsor....aint on yer shoulders anymore,is it?
if its eatin ya up that bad, my suggestion is to quit screwin around and call yer sponsor.
what im reading is the decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol hasn't been made.
quit screwin around, Anoronha. this is a life or death matter and yer worth life sober. look back on the baggage ya told yer sponsor....aint on yer shoulders anymore,is it?
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Anoronha,
I just did my 5th step this weekend and I had to call my sponsor twice after we finished. Within 5 minutes of quiet "meditation" (my sitting in a chair trying to relax) something popped into my head I forgot to tell him. I called and told him and went back to my "meditating". About 10 minutes later a BIGGIE popped into my head that I didn't mean to ignore but somehow I did. I called him back again and he just laughed. He said this happens with most of his sponsees. I guess Bill W. knew what he was talking about when he suggested that hour of rest between 5 and 6 to contemplate what we have done up to that point.
Good luck with your sponsor tomorrow!
I just did my 5th step this weekend and I had to call my sponsor twice after we finished. Within 5 minutes of quiet "meditation" (my sitting in a chair trying to relax) something popped into my head I forgot to tell him. I called and told him and went back to my "meditating". About 10 minutes later a BIGGIE popped into my head that I didn't mean to ignore but somehow I did. I called him back again and he just laughed. He said this happens with most of his sponsees. I guess Bill W. knew what he was talking about when he suggested that hour of rest between 5 and 6 to contemplate what we have done up to that point.
Good luck with your sponsor tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
A couple weeks ago there was something personal that I did not want to tell my sponsor. I did mention it but I glossed it over and only told her about half. It bothered me. I kept telling myself that the reason I was holding back was that it was my personal private business. I also was worried she may judge me.
For a week it went around and around in my head. It finally came to me that I was not being honest with myself. It was personal but that was not the reason I was not telling her. Some of it was fear that she would judge me but it was more because I wanted to put myself in a better light. I told halve truths.
I realized I cannot expect honest and open guidance if she only know half the story or the story I wanted to tell. I did come clean and apologized to her for not telling her the whole thing. She was not angry and did not judge. She did tell me to please tell her everything that is going on which I promised to do from now on.
I did my fifth last weekend too and there was something I forgot. We are getting together Sunday to go over that and to continue step work.
It is true that we do not have to do the fifth step with our sponsor. If you don't feel you can reveal it to her then tell the therapist but at the very least let her know that you did have something you could not share but you did share it with your therapist.
I have found my sponsor only wants to help me and do what is best for me. There were two things on my resentment list I thought I would take to me grave. I never told anyone but I told her and now I never have to tell anyone again.
For a week it went around and around in my head. It finally came to me that I was not being honest with myself. It was personal but that was not the reason I was not telling her. Some of it was fear that she would judge me but it was more because I wanted to put myself in a better light. I told halve truths.
I realized I cannot expect honest and open guidance if she only know half the story or the story I wanted to tell. I did come clean and apologized to her for not telling her the whole thing. She was not angry and did not judge. She did tell me to please tell her everything that is going on which I promised to do from now on.
I did my fifth last weekend too and there was something I forgot. We are getting together Sunday to go over that and to continue step work.
It is true that we do not have to do the fifth step with our sponsor. If you don't feel you can reveal it to her then tell the therapist but at the very least let her know that you did have something you could not share but you did share it with your therapist.
I have found my sponsor only wants to help me and do what is best for me. There were two things on my resentment list I thought I would take to me grave. I never told anyone but I told her and now I never have to tell anyone again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 36
Sponsors are not therapists. Some disclosures are best left to professionals who are obligated to keep secrets confidential, and have tools to help us deal with said disclosures.
I lost two years of sobriety when I disclosed to my sponsor that I was on certain psych meds (the type that can't be abused). She was adamant, that I couldn't be sober while I was still "doping up." That I needed to go to NA. (I was on daily Trazodone, Celexa, Trileptal, and Klonopin as needed) Being an ardent AA member, I listened and quit my meds. Abruptly.
Three weeks later I relapsed after going through horrible withdrawals. I also ended up in the hospital where I was put back on the same medications. There I learned the art of tapering rather than quitting cold turkey and also the value of NOT receiving medical/psychological advise from sponsors.
Needless to say I now give AA sponsors a wide berth. My experience need not be anyone else's.
I lost two years of sobriety when I disclosed to my sponsor that I was on certain psych meds (the type that can't be abused). She was adamant, that I couldn't be sober while I was still "doping up." That I needed to go to NA. (I was on daily Trazodone, Celexa, Trileptal, and Klonopin as needed) Being an ardent AA member, I listened and quit my meds. Abruptly.
Three weeks later I relapsed after going through horrible withdrawals. I also ended up in the hospital where I was put back on the same medications. There I learned the art of tapering rather than quitting cold turkey and also the value of NOT receiving medical/psychological advise from sponsors.
Needless to say I now give AA sponsors a wide berth. My experience need not be anyone else's.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
I agree with all Gigi said. I had a very heavy secret I shared with sponsor--her response was very compassionate, but I could see some shock in her. This had me thinking I had really done something horrible that no one else had ever done! This of course was not her fault, however I FELT judged even though she WAS NOT judging. All on me, I know.
I ended up seeing a therapist just a week later--her trained response gave me tools to see what i had done in a different light and how to deal with it, etc.
I ended up seeing a therapist just a week later--her trained response gave me tools to see what i had done in a different light and how to deal with it, etc.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by WritingFromLife
I agree with all Gigi said. I had a very heavy secret I shared with sponsor--her response was very compassionate, but I could see some shock in her. This had me thinking I had really done something horrible that no one else had ever done! This of course was not her fault, however I FELT judged even though she WAS NOT judging. All on me, I know.
I ended up seeing a therapist just a week later--her trained response gave me tools to see what i had done in a different light and how to deal with it, etc.
I ended up seeing a therapist just a week later--her trained response gave me tools to see what i had done in a different light and how to deal with it, etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Anoronha
I have decided I may tell my sponsor only one of the secrets because I told my other sponsor it and she didn't judge me the other I feel is bad and abnormal so I will reserve that for my therapist if my therapist thinks it is ok to tell my sponsor then I just might do that.
im confused now. ya say ya got 2 secrets, but ya told yer other sponsor one of them?
honestly this whole "secret" thing takes me back to 5th grade.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
I agree with this plan-especially since you already have a therapist. Speaking for myself, I attached a lot of shame with what I had done. Something that required professional help, whether it was unique or not, it was still mine. Once you sort through it with your therapist and have a different perspective, then tell your sponsor. I also think telling your sponsor about how you are handling this is a good idea. I do not consider this dishonest or withholding. This is just my opinion.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by gigi123
Sponsors are not therapists. Some disclosures are best left to professionals who are obligated to keep secrets confidential, and have tools to help us deal with said disclosures.
I lost two years of sobriety when I disclosed to my sponsor that I was on certain psych meds (the type that can't be abused). She was adamant, that I couldn't be sober while I was still "doping up." That I needed to go to NA. (I was on daily Trazodone, Celexa, Trileptal, and Klonopin as needed) Being an ardent AA member, I listened and quit my meds. Abruptly.
Three weeks later I relapsed after going through horrible withdrawals. I also ended up in the hospital where I was put back on the same medications. There I learned the art of tapering rather than quitting cold turkey and also the value of NOT receiving medical/psychological advise from sponsors.
Needless to say I now give AA sponsors a wide berth. My experience need not be anyone else's.
I lost two years of sobriety when I disclosed to my sponsor that I was on certain psych meds (the type that can't be abused). She was adamant, that I couldn't be sober while I was still "doping up." That I needed to go to NA. (I was on daily Trazodone, Celexa, Trileptal, and Klonopin as needed) Being an ardent AA member, I listened and quit my meds. Abruptly.
Three weeks later I relapsed after going through horrible withdrawals. I also ended up in the hospital where I was put back on the same medications. There I learned the art of tapering rather than quitting cold turkey and also the value of NOT receiving medical/psychological advise from sponsors.
Needless to say I now give AA sponsors a wide berth. My experience need not be anyone else's.
In the very early days of AA, even taking aspirin was considered a "slip." This despite the fact that Bill Wilson experimented with LSD and other hallucinogens for many years, hoping to find a "cure" for alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I didn't get to see my sponsor today she had a family emergency. I lied and said everything was fine when she asked how I was didn't feel like burdening her. But I talked to a friend for a long time on the phone today about what was going on no baring my soul though lol. I will wait a week then talk to my sponsor about what is going on. In the meantime I got meetings and friends that I can talk to.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by Anoronha
I didn't get to see my sponsor today she had a family emergency. I lied and said everything was fine when she asked how I was didn't feel like burdening her. But I talked to a friend for a long time on the phone today about what was going on no baring my soul though lol. I will wait a week then talk to my sponsor about what is going on. In the meantime I got meetings and friends that I can talk to.
I am just not sure how effectively you will be able to work with someone you lie to and do not trust.
The major tacit agreement I had with my sponsor was that I would never lie to her and she would never lie to me, we had a relationship based on honesty rather than on people pleasing.
Maybe I have a weird view of sponsorship but for me a sponsor is someone you can talk to???
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