Melbell

Hi everyone, well don't really know where to begin. I have struggled with alcoholism for the past 10+ years. I am a 40 year old female, have 2 beautiful kids (7 & 9), a great husband who I have been separated for just over a year (because I chose alcohol over our marriage which I regret daily), a nice house, a good job. All sounds great and good. I went into AA for the first time about 6.5 years ago. Got a few months, relapsed went back in for a couple of months, relapsed again and then had 2 straight years of sobriety. I was working the steps, had a sponsor and just after 2 years went out again. I have been struggling BIG time the past few years. My husband was very supportive and I actually ended up going to rehab for 30 days in the summer of 2011. He found out I cheated on him and was still going to stay with me but I needed to be sober and I chose booze.

I have been drinking daily since last May when I left him. I wake up and go to work everyday and take care of my kids (when I have them 50% of the time) but am still drinking. I am broke all of the time cause I spend so much on booze and my mom helps me out in that aspect (financially). I know 40 years old and mom helping me out. Pathetic. I have been dating a guy for the past 9 months who is also an alcholic and was actually in AA for a few months but thinks its a cult. I have actually told him I need some space for the past 3 weeks and haven't seen him. All we do together is drink and then end up fighting bad a lot of the time. He does love me a lot though. I want my marriage back and my husband tells me I have to stop drinking totally and yet there is part of me that thinks I can control it. I wake up every morning feeling like crap and say "not gonna drink today" but I always do. Im at such a loss. I feel AA is one of the only things that will keep me sober but I am embarassed to go back (I have been in and out sooooo many times).

I just want to live a happy life and I am NOT happy right now. Im surviving that is it - not living. Just scared to take that step. Scared of failing....AGAIN. Scared of living a life without booze.

I'm sorry this is so long. Just don't know where to turn because I'm not honest to anyone about how much I am drinking.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.

bloss

Welcome to SR, lots of support here. Don't drink today, no reason to be embarrassed to go back to AA (sounds like it helped in the past). Take care of yourself.

EndGameNYC

Sounds like everything in your life has made a turn for the worse since you started drinking again. Same thing happened with me when I relapsed. We all know enough to know that we can't reasonably expect anything more than that.

The desire to stop, and then taking the appropriate actions, needs to come from within. Everyone who's stumbled through a living hell will support you here.

I wish there were something more I could do to help, but I'm not a magician. No amount of suffering, analytical thinking or self reflection ever got me sober. I needed to believe that life could be better, and that all the pain that comes with getting sober would be worth it. I essentially needed to believe that there was something better for me if I took care of myself.

In the meantime, there are plenty of hotlines and crisis counselors in virtually every metropolitan area in the world. You can also reach out to AA by calling them and speaking with someone who can help you through this. Speaking with someone who's gone through the pain and suffering that comes with both drinking and sobriety can go a long way in helping you get started.

Very few of us have ever done this alone. There's no reason you need to do this without the help and support you need.

zjw

sounds like you got an awesome husband and you realize that. I wouldnt be embaressed to go back to AA. people fall down all the time just dust yourself off and start over. You keep trying to quit eventually it will stick!. You did it for 2 years that should tell you right there that your capable.

You cant feel bad about being broke either. I quit drinking and I still have financial woes. Its life its tough it aint easy. Its ok to have trouble in life it'd be boring if we didnt have any.

I'd go back to AA if you think it will help. and certainly work on quiting. I think your making some awesome steps coming here even.

You can complain all you want about how you screwed this up or that up here and here you will find a lot of people in the same boat and we wont bite ya or hold it against you.

Ptcapote

Hi Melbell, and welcome, it's good to have you with us!

First, you have A LOT going on there. It's not unusual at all, most of us have all sorts of drama to sort out as alcoholics and, for women at least, it often involves messy entanglements like you describe.

Here's the thing, in my opinion, you have got to get YOU sober before you can deal with any of the other stuff. I know it seems counter-intuitive but the only way you're going to have a clear head to deal with this all and make the right decision for you is to forget about them first and focus on getting sober.

By the time I decided to get sober, I had created all sorts of drama with men, both in relationships and out of them. From your post, you seem all over the board with your feelings for your husband as well as this other guy you've been dating. The only way you're going to figure it out and make a decision that's right for you is from a place of sobriety. Otherwise, you'll keep dragging yourself, and them vicariously, around. It's not fair to anyone involved.

As far as AA goes, if it worked for you, go back. Tonight at a meeting there was a woman in there who had just come back for her ninth time after various lengths of sobriety and then going back out. No one judged her and, if anything, she got more hugs and support for being brave enough to keep coming back.

Just try to formulate a plan to get sober, set aside the decisions about relationships as much as you can for the moment, and don't ever be afraid to ask for help getting sober...whether here, AA, or somewhere else.

Sending good thoughts to you and please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

CAPTAINZING2000

This is from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Page 151 if you happen to have a book lying around. This pretty much captures where most of us come to in our drinking.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf