brooklauren

Relapse isn't the moment you take a drink. Relapse is a process that happens the minute you begin to question your sobriety.

I've been sober for 7 months as of 7/8/2013. However, the past month i've noticed I've been thinking of drinking and telling myself, "Just once for fun." It's been a long time since the day I decided to quit drinking and I believe I am starting to forget the feelings I had of quitting that day.

The other day I went to AA. I know a lot of people say this, but AA didn't seem right for me. I've heard the stories of alcoholics and their habits seem far worse than mine. I believe subconsciously it's making me feel that drinking for me is "okay." I am finding it easier to justify taking that drink.

I guess I am just worried because i've been sober for quite sometime now and I feel I am starting to lose that drive I once had months prior.

EndGameNYC

What you're describing is very common, even after years of sobriety. Though I got and remain sober in AA, I know and accept that many people just don't feel comfortable with the program. But this has given me sober support whenever I have cravings or whenever I think about taking a drinking vacation. I'm not there to have people help me live my life, only to stay sober. Sobriety has opened up my life to a seemingly infinite number of possibilities and the kind of peace of mind that I never imagined was possible.

I don't believe that we have "built-in forgetters." I agree with the AA Big Book that tells us "we don't remember with sufficient force" the misery and all the rest of it. Sounds as though you're there right now. Drinking will help provide the necessary power for you to remember your personal misery with sufficient force, but it's not the best solution. The thing about drinking for old time's sake, or any reason, is that we can't know in advance how much more damage we'll do to ourselves and others once we pick up that first drink.

Telling you that it's not worth it probably doesn't mean very much. It's great that you commented about it here, and I imagine you'll get a lot of support. In the meantime, if you have someone in your life who you lean on during difficult times, now would be a good time to confide in him/her.

Dee74

Hi Brooklauren

I was once sober for a little over 2 months - my personal best until I got sober for good in 2007.

Ovr those two months, I began to think that maybe I was different now, that my relationship to alcohol had changed - after all I'd learned to live without it....

maybe a night out with a few drinks would be ok - I could monitor myself, not get too drunk, and I could start again with being sober the next morning.

Thus began two years of the most destructive drinking I ever did.

If I pulled anything out of the charred embers of that experience it's that my relationship with alcohol always was and always will remain bad....very bad.

it's really good you realise whats happening...I think you need a plan tho - and you'll find ideas here for sure - as well as other cautionary tales like mine

welcome
D

brooklauren

WARNING ... RANT AHEAD

At least when I was drinking I had all my **** together. I had my own apartment, a stable & good paying job and my car. Now I have none of that and having the people who love me basically take care of me is putting more stress on them and it really eats away at me. It is making me feel extremely guilty and asking help with money, transportation and basically everything else is really hurting my pride.

EndGameNYC

When I picked up a drink after twenty five years of sobriety, my intention was simply to "have some fun for a while." Turned out to be a three-year relapse during which I lost my job and my residence, and found myself in the ER on more than one occasion. I only stopped because I could no longer function and was close to dying.

And drinking will help this...how?

brooklauren

Why were you in the E.R.? The last 2 months I was hospitalized 4 times for pancreatitis. I now have chronic pancreatitis with permanent damage done.

EndGameNYC

One time I fell out of a second-story window, and three other times I lost consciousness, apparently from extremely high blood pressure. I never thought to ask why I was in the ER. My only interest was in getting out ASAP so I could begin drinking again.

When I went to detox, my BP, liver and pancreas were all screwed up. Abstinence and a healthy diet brought everything back in line.

brooklauren

Thanks for taking the time to respond with such thoughtful replies.

Dee74

At the risk of being blunt, & no offense meant - people who have their **** together generally don't end up in hospital multiple times with pancreatitis Brookelauren.

And people with pancreatitis don't think of drinking again...it's illogical... unless they have some other issue involved - like addiction.

I do hear you on the frustration, but drinking won't magically get you all that stuff back - but it might make it more likely you'll have to continue to rely on the kindness of friends and relatives.

I know - it takes a long time to dig ourselves out from under - I had to eat a lot of humble pie that first year and ask for a lot of help - but I'm glad I did - I got back on my feet and eventually I repaid all those debts.

It takes time and patience I'm afraid.

D

EndGameNYC

You're welcome.

I learned that accepting help from other people made me more available when others needed my help.

I don't know whether or not it's an AA slogan, and I don't recall where I first heard it, but I was once told that "When things aren't going well in your recovery, you need AA. When things are going well, AA needs you."

Kathleen41

Drinking could be fatal to you.

Consider trying AA again. Instead of comparing yourself to the folks sharing try identifying with them. When I did that, I found that I had much in common with people. It was my false pride telling me I was better than people, and I acted like it too!! Amazing thing was, they loved and cared for me anyway!!

I understand what you're saying about "having your **** together when you were drinking." I often thought that too. But in reality it is just a sham. What I had was a carefully constructed house of cards, that was going to fall any minute. Maybe you don't have much right now. It took a lot longer than 7 months to develop you alcoholism and its going to take a lot longer than 7 months to recover from it!! Be patient, and keep doing the next right thing; I know it's tiring and frustrating, and you can do it.

I wish you well. Be kind to yourself.

LadyinBC

First congrats on 7 months!

Those are material things. This is really about your ego. I too had a job, place of my own, etc. and I didn't have my **** together at all! If I would have had my **** togehter I wouldn't have escaped in a bottle.

One of my good friends is an alcoholic and he always says "if I drink, I die". Has kept him sober for 26 years.

DrakeCKC

At just over 3 months, I have some of these same thoughts now and then. Maybe I am obsessing over not drinking too much, maybe I can have "just one", a "glass of wine with dinner", etc. Thanks for the kick in the behind Dee and EndGame.... I needed that.

Lifewillgetbet

I was in the same boat. I am only at 3 months now however I spent 12 months sober prior to a relapse. During that 12 months sober I was able to get my life back on track completely. Amazing job, nice penthouse condo, expensive car (with drivers license) fully insured. Life was great. It was almost to the 1y sober date DAY when my EGO got the best of me. 1 night of drinking resulted in a 6 month relapse. To take that 1 evening off sobriety almost took everything away from me. Inches away from losing my job, basically broke because transportation costs me 200$ per day and yea, I lost my drivers license because I was hospitalized from Alcohol withdrawal - No DUI.
7 months is excellent. Don't throw it all away like I did. It is just not worth it.
Rebuilding again for 2nd time.

Best of luck, hang in there.

Threshold

I know it's just a rant, and that you know it's just a rant, and I ranted the same way many times...but this is what I hear

"Boy, my life was SO much better before I got this diagnosis of cancer...I didn't have to go to chemo. I wasn't sick to my stomach. I NEVER had to have surgery. This cancer diagnosis has really strained my family financially and put everyone under stress. I think I'll just quit taking treatment and go back to how it was before I got diagnosed with cancer!"

Darn, it just doesn't work

stargazer016

This is a great old thread, as I and many in my class are hitting seven months sober. I have no urge at all to drink, as I can remember the misery very clearly. However, that AV is always going to try to trip me up. I have never tried moderating from a period of sobriety, only from one of heavy abuse. The AV whispers to me occassionally that it could be different this time. Thanks for all of the above stories to help remind me that a one day drinking "vacation" could totally reopen Pandora's Box for myself and my group at the seven month mark!