Archangel7

On Wed, June 26, I drank from sun up to sun down, not stopping for one thing. Would take a few shots, then drive around and do a few errands. Get home, take several more shots, then drive around some more trying to find something to do until my girlfriend got off of work. After she got home, I was drinking discretely all evening. With my drinking, it is hard for people to tell that I actually have been drinking, because usually I am my normal self on the outside. By the time the night was over, I had drank over half of a half gallon of gin in one day. When I woke up the next day, I had terrible pains in my stomach, sides, and back. I really didnt think too much of it because usually when I would drink that much, it went away in a day or two. That evening, I took a few shots to try and subside the pain, but it didn't help at all. That entire weekend my body was in agonizing pain until finally my mom and dad took me to the hospital that Sunday morning. I had some bloodwork done, and a CT scan as well, and the Dr's result was this: Pancreatitis.
You can only get pancreatitis from one of two things: gallstones or heavy alcohol drinking. Well, I was pretty certain that I had no gallstones, but to be sure, the doctor did and ultrasound the following morning, which proved my theory correct. I had been drinking too much alcohol. It was right then and there that I made the decision to stop drinking...for good. Immediately I could see the disappointment in my parents faces as the doctor described what caused pancreatitis, and I knew that they knew that this was what was bound to happen. For days, I was on pain medicine every two hours and had fluids flushing out my system 24/7.
The first time my girlfriend came to visit me, I broke down immediately and apologized over and over and over again. And the same went with all the family members that came to see me. I couldn't believe how much I was hurting the ones I love the most. At night, I laid awake wishing I were at home wrapped in my girlfriend's arms. It gave me so much time to think about how much hurt I had actually done, and how much it had affected the people around me with me not even realizing that it did.
It was at the point of me leaving the hospital that following Thursday that I made the sure decision to stop what I was doing, stop hurting everyone that cares for me and loves me.
And for me it was just a little bit easier. I had someone to talk to, my girlfriend's brother, who is our pastor and also a counselor for our local prison. While I was at the hospital, my girlfriend gave me the idea to talk to him, and I didn't hesitate, I called him right away. He readily agreed to be an accountability partner, and that he would be there to talk to me.
Today is day 13 that I have been without alcohol. I know I have to keep on fighting, but the fighting seems to be getting harder and harder. Being as I am the type of person that doesn't really show that I have been drinking, I have been on the edge of sneaking drinks in here and there to just take the edge off. But I know if I do, then I have to start all over, and possibly end up back in the hospital. It seems like I've come so far, and I don't want to fall back into what I was doing before, how I was before. I promised my girlfriend that I wouldn't, and that is a promise that I am determined to keep. But this disease keeps fighting against me every step of the way. I see it on the streets, I see it on tv, in the movies, in books, everywhere I turn I see alcohol, and it makes me want to fall right back into it.

GroundhogDay

Visiting someone in the hospital with pancreatitis was one of the motivators for me to end my drinking. I am now 72 days sober and can't even imagine wanting to drink at this point. Chose to abstain one day at a time and you will get there. The cravings will lessen over time.

Threshold

sometimes fighting isn't the answer, because it keeps me engaged in a tussle with booze, and any sort of engagement keeps me attached to it...

surrendering to a sober life allowed me to cut my ties to booze and start learning how to live free. That mental shift has helped a lot.

you can life free from alcohol. I'm glad you are getting over the pancreitis, and moving forward in recovery. I've found these forums an invaluable resource for my recovery.

visch1

Hi. Hang in there. there is NO guarantee that we can/will have the chance to start over again. I've known too many who never were able to get back. My war cry is to be honest with our self and if we don't pick up the first drink we don't have to get sober AGAIN. Staying in touch here and going to AA has helped many. It works if we work it. BE WELL

waynetheking

You have 14 days today (I hope). That is fantastic! I have 140 days tomorrow. Let me tell you and you can take this to the bank, that if you can go 140 days without drinking your life will be so much better. It gets really easier after 60 to 90 days. Try it man. You owe this to yourself. Sobriety is a wonderful thing. Problems seem to disappear and life is much more consistent, manageable, less anxiety, more energy, improved relationships, you name it. Give yourself a winning lotto ticket. The payout is called life. One day at a time.

Gottalife

"I know I have to keep on fighting, but the fighting seems to be getting harder and harder."

Perhaps you would be interested in AA's 10th step promises.

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

Archangel7

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot, especially since none of you even know me. You all were right though, I have given up on fighting any urges, cravings, or anything else, and just let the sober life take over instead of trying to fight. Things are getting so much better in my life, from my job to my friends and family, to me starting to lead worship at my home church. I am saddened that it took a hospital and what will probably be a huge bill to get me to see the truth and begin to make changes, but at the same time I am so glad that it happened or else I would still be drinking every night like I was before. Again, thank you guys so much for your support and prayers, and I'm still going strong, 23 days today!

waynetheking

That is Fantastic!!...your doing this and its paying off for ya. Glad your posting here. Take it one day at a time. And try not to be sad. You have your life back. Dont ever start again so you have to try to stop again. Its just that simple. I like what you said...let the sober life take over.... that means acceptance. Its your entry point into sobriety. Im happy for ya man!

Dee74

great stuff archangel

D

MsJax

Congratulations on getting sober, archangel you sound good. It's ok about the hospital bills, etc. you can deal with all that over time. Sounds like it saved your life.

Hevyn

Congratulations Archangel - that is wonderful news. I also had to have bad things happen in order to open my eyes. It was worth it.

Great job on your 23 sober days. It'll keep getting better as you learn to live without it. Sounds like you're making a great adjustment.

Taking5

Glad you gave up the fight. There is no sense fighting alcohol, just admit that people like us can't drink anymore.

If you are in AA or considering it you will definitely run into the AA concept of "surrender".

artsoul

Congratulations on 23 days, Archangel - I'm so glad things are going well for you! Keep up the good work, and remember that hospital bed if/when a craving hits. We're always here for support, too!

Archangel7

I made a slip guys...I don't know how, nor do I know why. Well, I have a pretty good idea I suppose. I watched a movie earlier, and it made alcohol and drugs look like an escape from this life, that I would be able to get away from everything that stresses me out or hurts me (and in no way, shape, or form am I into any drugs, it was more the alcohol part). I've been under so so much stress and anxiety. First, my girlfriend got a dog without my permission, and after I told her no and no and no, she still went behind my back and did it anyways. That really isn't the stressful part. It's just that the dog is almost 3 years old, and has yet to be potty trained, so she poops and pees all over the house, plus the fact that she gets into/tears up anything that she can reach. It's just that on my way home from work everyday, I am so stressed that I'm going to come home after a long hard day at work to a torn up house and have a big freakin mess to clean up.
Second, my girlfriend just totaled her car, which was my car to begin with. I loaned it to her, and just wanted her to pay me whenever she could for it, only wanting $500 whenever, but I kinda sorta figured with the way she drives it was bound to happen eventually. She just got a new job, and now I'm gonna have to be the one to drop her off and pick her up, which interferes with my job and the hours that I work. And now I have to do all the side errands, when I barely have enough money to make it day by day.
Third...I heard the Devil plain as day, chanting over and over again that I needed to start drinking again, that it would help calm me down. I just recently started leading worship at my girlfriend's brother's church, and I knew that that unholy beast was taunting me and telling me not to do it, that I would slip eventually and not be able to lead the church into worshiping God, which is why I didn't do it for the longest time in the first place.
But now? I really have no idea what to do guys. I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't have another drink...not one after what happened. It isn't really the fear of losing her, it's the fear of not being able to be the father that our son needs. If she were to leave me because of this disease, I wouldn't only lose the love of my life, I would lose the one most precious to me: our son.
I've gone through it again and again, that maybe if she were to leave, I could just send them money all the time to show that I care. Or maybe I would leave presents for him in her mailbox. But I know that this is it. I know she can't fully understand what kind of disease this truly is, but I don't know what else to do. I was doing so good...how in the hell did I mess up??

waynetheking

Dont beat urself up. Just keep trying. Stress and anxiety is really tuff that first 30 to 60 days. But it will get better. You call this a disease. But do you recognize it as a deadly disease? Surrender my friend. Thats your entry point into sobriety. When you accept the fact that your dealing with something that is so much more powerful than you are then u can quit. Your anxiety level will drop to a manageable point. The dog the job the gf none of that will matter. Your sobriety will take top priority. It will be a relief. I wish you well my friend.