Help Please. Lots of questions !!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Help Please. Lots of questions !!!
Hello Everyone,
Unknowingly I married an alcoholic and prescription drug user. He hid his addictions from me for a long time. He worked holding down a respectable job, one that he supervised many people. I didn't know he was what he is. He really fooled me. I didn't realize his charming personality was part of being high on something. It was the charm that I fell in love with.
I found out apparently he has been doing drugs and alcohol from his teens. I do not know what kind, but it sounds like he experimented quite a bit.
A few years later he retired. His behaviors became obvious. The behaviors, moods, actions have changed dramatically. He is quiet withdrawn more. Then he verbally lashes out. It's bipolar like behavior. One minute he can be yelling at me (honestly for no darn good reason other than to yell. I don't ever do anything to trigger it.) Then a few minutes later he is almost apologetic with his charming smile pasted on his face.
He sends his daughter thousands of dollars of year, but he won't help his sick disabled wife out. I haven't asked for any help before, but now I really need help and my disability check is very tiny.
I am trying to understand the actions or behaviors of my husband.
The behavior is becoming more erratic this year. About a month ago he received a 90 day supply of codeine mixed with a tranquilizers for migraines. He took them down within 2 weeks. He at first was euphoric, the crashed, then became angry. When he ran out he switched to alcohol. Now it seems like he is drunk more often than not.
He doesn't pass out when drinking like so many people post. Why? I apologize for the stupid questions, but I was not raised around alcoholics.
He does pee the bed a bit on his side.
He enjoys MMJ daily maybe twice a day.
Mostly why is is behavior so erratic? Why is he yelling at me for no darn good reason. Anytime I even attempt to talk he snaps at me like he is going to bite my head off. I don't deserve this and I have told him so.
He pushes me away when I go to hug or kiss him. If I give him a kiss, his hand is on my shoulder pushing me away. It makes me feel really rejected.
He rarely wants intimacy.
After he yells at me. I usually go to the bedroom for as long as I feel I need to be there. I try to wait it out so he won't be angry or until he is in his silent mode, not talking to me. I don't understand why he is this way.
It seems like all he does is accuse me of stuff. I am disabled and I don't have the strength to walk on the beach on vacation with a very drunk man. I stayed in the motel room the whole trip. I wear out when stressed and top that off with neurological issues. I get the blame for messing up the vacation and for the staff knowing he is an alcoholic. He left the evidence with all the bottles. Yet, it is all my fault. It always is. I am the one to be blamed for all his issues.
Is it the alcohol and drugs?
Unknowingly I married an alcoholic and prescription drug user. He hid his addictions from me for a long time. He worked holding down a respectable job, one that he supervised many people. I didn't know he was what he is. He really fooled me. I didn't realize his charming personality was part of being high on something. It was the charm that I fell in love with.
I found out apparently he has been doing drugs and alcohol from his teens. I do not know what kind, but it sounds like he experimented quite a bit.
A few years later he retired. His behaviors became obvious. The behaviors, moods, actions have changed dramatically. He is quiet withdrawn more. Then he verbally lashes out. It's bipolar like behavior. One minute he can be yelling at me (honestly for no darn good reason other than to yell. I don't ever do anything to trigger it.) Then a few minutes later he is almost apologetic with his charming smile pasted on his face.
He sends his daughter thousands of dollars of year, but he won't help his sick disabled wife out. I haven't asked for any help before, but now I really need help and my disability check is very tiny.
I am trying to understand the actions or behaviors of my husband.
The behavior is becoming more erratic this year. About a month ago he received a 90 day supply of codeine mixed with a tranquilizers for migraines. He took them down within 2 weeks. He at first was euphoric, the crashed, then became angry. When he ran out he switched to alcohol. Now it seems like he is drunk more often than not.
He doesn't pass out when drinking like so many people post. Why? I apologize for the stupid questions, but I was not raised around alcoholics.
He does pee the bed a bit on his side.
He enjoys MMJ daily maybe twice a day.
Mostly why is is behavior so erratic? Why is he yelling at me for no darn good reason. Anytime I even attempt to talk he snaps at me like he is going to bite my head off. I don't deserve this and I have told him so.
He pushes me away when I go to hug or kiss him. If I give him a kiss, his hand is on my shoulder pushing me away. It makes me feel really rejected.
He rarely wants intimacy.
After he yells at me. I usually go to the bedroom for as long as I feel I need to be there. I try to wait it out so he won't be angry or until he is in his silent mode, not talking to me. I don't understand why he is this way.
It seems like all he does is accuse me of stuff. I am disabled and I don't have the strength to walk on the beach on vacation with a very drunk man. I stayed in the motel room the whole trip. I wear out when stressed and top that off with neurological issues. I get the blame for messing up the vacation and for the staff knowing he is an alcoholic. He left the evidence with all the bottles. Yet, it is all my fault. It always is. I am the one to be blamed for all his issues.
Is it the alcohol and drugs?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
He is also paranoid. He says I am spying on him if I go outside when he is outside in the garage drinking. He sits in there staring off towards the street zoned out or in the backyard. I avoid going out now.
He checks up to see what I am doing on the computer all the time.
Ideas please. Is this normal for his condition?
Is this how there brains change from the addiction?
Please help. I feel like I am under constant mental attack lately. It's rough.
Group hugs needed.
Is it normal to feel so alone in the home.
He checks up to see what I am doing on the computer all the time.
Ideas please. Is this normal for his condition?
Is this how there brains change from the addiction?
Please help. I feel like I am under constant mental attack lately. It's rough.
Group hugs needed.
Is it normal to feel so alone in the home.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by rosepetals 
Is it the alcohol and drugs?
There is a friends and family section on here, you should check it out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: North of South Dakota
Posts: 86
It seems like his mood swings were not around when you first met him. The alcohol and drugs could be the accelerant (or cause of, but I am not a doctor) of a developing mental problem like being bi-polar or suffering from terrible depression and paranoia.
Alcohol makes a lot of us seem bi-polar, and certain drugs can make a person severely paranoid. Quitting the two of them would be the first step to figuring out what the root problem is.
Alcohol makes a lot of us seem bi-polar, and certain drugs can make a person severely paranoid. Quitting the two of them would be the first step to figuring out what the root problem is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Yes. I have encouraged him to get treatment. I have told him it's very hard on the marriage. My health is affected by his condition. The stress makes the Multiple sclerosis act up severely. He is very aware. He said to me once when he makes the girls cry they leave.
Apparently his first marriage ended due to his drinking.
It's making me feel rather worthless in his eyes.
He prefers his drugs or alcohol to me. He drinks and drives all the time. He won't stop. He has no desire to stop.
Apparently his first marriage ended due to his drinking.
It's making me feel rather worthless in his eyes.
He prefers his drugs or alcohol to me. He drinks and drives all the time. He won't stop. He has no desire to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: North of South Dakota
Posts: 86
Perhaps it's time for an agonizing reappraisal of your entire marriage. If he won't listen to you then who will he listen to? Anyone other than himself? Because if it's just him he will not change until he wants to change. Until that day comes, if it ever does, do you really need to be exposed to such treatment? You are not worthless. You are not plain. You are special and unique. If the drugs take weight over your general well-being and happiness...well it doesn't sound like the way things should be for anybody in a relationship. At some point you have to make stands on your own; draw the line.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Do they mean what they say when they are drunk? You know the jaw-dropping painful, break my heart, hurtful stuff? When he isn't drunk he doesn't say that stuff. I don't know what is the truth.
Also he says he doesn't remember saying stuff later or denies having said it.
Also he says he doesn't remember saying stuff later or denies having said it.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Are you able to get to Alanon? Sounds like you could use the support and I think they give group hugs. His behavior and the crap he is saying is because of his active addiction. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi rosepetals -
I think it's safe to say that the more/longer one drinks, the more it will affect their personality and relationships in a negative way. Are you getting any support through AlAnon or counseling? (You might also want to look into the alimony laws or talk to a local disability advocate to weigh your options if you do decided at some point you want to leave the situation).
I hope you check out our forum for Family & Friends, too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think it's safe to say that the more/longer one drinks, the more it will affect their personality and relationships in a negative way. Are you getting any support through AlAnon or counseling? (You might also want to look into the alimony laws or talk to a local disability advocate to weigh your options if you do decided at some point you want to leave the situation).
I hope you check out our forum for Family & Friends, too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
Your husband is an alcoholic and you are suffering from a condition called Codependancy. What you need to know about his alcohol and drug addiction is:
"YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT."
Get yourself some help, I suggest Alanon or CoDA. Don't try to reason with someone who's drunk or intoxicated. Don't listen to the mean things he says to you when he's intoxicated. Until he reaches his bottom, and admits that he has a problem, and on his own seeks help, there is nothing you can do to help him. But you can, and should, help yourself!!
"YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT."
Get yourself some help, I suggest Alanon or CoDA. Don't try to reason with someone who's drunk or intoxicated. Don't listen to the mean things he says to you when he's intoxicated. Until he reaches his bottom, and admits that he has a problem, and on his own seeks help, there is nothing you can do to help him. But you can, and should, help yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
restart on marriage
Originally Posted by rosepetals
The behavior is becoming more erratic this year. About a month ago he received a 90 day supply of codeine mixed with a tranquilizers for migraines. He took them down within 2 weeks. He at first was euphoric, the crashed, then became angry. When he ran out he switched to alcohol. Now it seems like he is drunk more often than not.
seems there is not much chance without some counseling here
most churches offer marriage counseling for free
my wife signed us up years ago
we were (both) willing
it was so helpful for our restart on our marriage
Mountainman
most churches offer marriage counseling for free
my wife signed us up years ago
we were (both) willing
it was so helpful for our restart on our marriage
Mountainman
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 23
Thank you everyone. My stomach hurts, I am having a hard time sleeping due to all the stress. This morning all of a sudden he went off fishing. He woke me up to give me a kiss good by and said I love you. My heart is frozen with all the pain. I didn't say I love you back. He said what is wrong? I said your mad at me all the time. He responds, no your hiding here in the bedroom all the time. He always turns things around to make me look like I did something wrong. Like I didn't have a reason to hide in the bedroom.
He has been doing deliberate actions. Like on the Fourth of July letting the cat out before the fireworks show. He knows the risks of hearing all the noise and pets running off. He worked for a vet. I didn't realize until hours later when she banged on the screen he put her out. The show was super loud this year.
He knows how much I love her. She keeps me sane. It feels like she understands me more than he ever will. She knows when to hide from him. I bring her in when I go to bed, which is earlier than him. Well lately it turns out he puts her out just before he goes to bed. Usually I am asleep so he wakes me up to bring her inside. He knows I fear for her life out at night due to all the wild life here. Last night I had to stay awake until I knew she was safe inside. So I had the light on as I was reading in bed. I am sure today that I will be accused of keeping him awake for the deed he did wrong to my kitty and I.
How is it they twist things around to make the innocent party look guilty?
The other thing that is freaky is when he drinks or does drugs he tends to focus on drug or rehab TV programs.
When he is mad at me he watches Snapped or murder type TV shows.
I feel exhausted, so tired. I only got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. I am so stressed out from his behavior. He won't get treatment or counseling. He said people have asked him before, I have asked. He won't.
He has been doing deliberate actions. Like on the Fourth of July letting the cat out before the fireworks show. He knows the risks of hearing all the noise and pets running off. He worked for a vet. I didn't realize until hours later when she banged on the screen he put her out. The show was super loud this year.
He knows how much I love her. She keeps me sane. It feels like she understands me more than he ever will. She knows when to hide from him. I bring her in when I go to bed, which is earlier than him. Well lately it turns out he puts her out just before he goes to bed. Usually I am asleep so he wakes me up to bring her inside. He knows I fear for her life out at night due to all the wild life here. Last night I had to stay awake until I knew she was safe inside. So I had the light on as I was reading in bed. I am sure today that I will be accused of keeping him awake for the deed he did wrong to my kitty and I.
How is it they twist things around to make the innocent party look guilty?
The other thing that is freaky is when he drinks or does drugs he tends to focus on drug or rehab TV programs.
When he is mad at me he watches Snapped or murder type TV shows.
I feel exhausted, so tired. I only got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night. I am so stressed out from his behavior. He won't get treatment or counseling. He said people have asked him before, I have asked. He won't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
(((Rosepetals)))
Is it possible for you to get away from him for a little while, just to visit a family member or friend?
I am also in an abusive, alcoholic marriage that I'm working to get out of. I totally understand your pain. Sometimes it helps to just get out of the war-zone for a few days.
Have you looked into Al-Anon yet?
Is it possible for you to get away from him for a little while, just to visit a family member or friend?
I am also in an abusive, alcoholic marriage that I'm working to get out of. I totally understand your pain. Sometimes it helps to just get out of the war-zone for a few days.
Have you looked into Al-Anon yet?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rosepetals, your situation sounds incredibly stressful, but also dangerous. His mental state is very worrying, especially the deliberate cruelty and watching shows about violence when he is mad at you. Is there a domestic abuse hotline you can call? Or some other help regarding his behaviour? I really think you should talk to someone qualified to assess what you're telling them.
Do you have friends, relatives, or other support you can call on? There may be some sort of legal settlement if you were to split with him. I really think you should investigate how you can get away from your situation.
All the best.
Do you have friends, relatives, or other support you can call on? There may be some sort of legal settlement if you were to split with him. I really think you should investigate how you can get away from your situation.
All the best.
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