dlions55

I am in my late 20s and have been dating my girlfriend for a little over 2 months now. She is seriously one of the kindest, gentlest people I know when she is sober. She has a high-stress job and was the victim of abuse as a child, and her father abandoned her when she was very young.

Over the time we've been together, her drinking has escalated, and she's even admitted that she uses alcohol to escape stress and emotional issues. She suffers from depression and takes medication for it. When she drinks, she cancels out any positive effects the medication might have. She is physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me when she's had too much to drink. She tells me she hates me and that I'm just a 'random guy' who doesn't care about her. Sometimes, she slaps, bites, and pinches me. She'll start arguments over very small things, and when I tell her I'm not going to fight her, she'll continue to harass me.

Because she seems to have some unresolved issues with men, she'll lash out at men who are complete strangers. She generally doesn't remember the negative things she does when she's drunk, and when she's sober, she apologizes for her words and actions when I tell her what she's done.

She got a serious DUI a few years ago and still doesn't have her license, so she has faced serious consequences for her drinking habits. She wasn't home last night when I got off of work from my second job. I texted her and she said she would be home 'very soon.' She didn't show up, and I still haven't heard from her.

At this point, she is dangerous to herself, me, and others because of her drinking habits. I would like to pursue a relationship with her, because she is a very special and good person when she is sober. How should I approach her about her alcohol abuse without alienating her?

doggonecarl

Two months, huh? And how often is this, where she's sober?

Early dating is a time to test compatability between perspective mates. Sounds like her drinking isn't compatible with your expectations.

It will likely get worse before it gets better. I'd bail out before I invested any more energy into a fruitless effort--trying to fix an alcoholic.

Nirvana1

If you want to stay in the relationship, be prepared to deal with what you wrote about, plus it getting worse. Even if she is not an alcoholic, all of the negative consequences are there already. Having been in a relationship like you're in, I would suggest getting out until she gets help or somehow stops showing signs of being an alcoholic (which seems extremely unlikely).

Tamerua

I agree with Carl and nirvana. You can always say, I would like to be with you, but with alcohol involved, I cannot. She has seen consequences already but this is a big one she needs to see.

Carlotta

Lots of alcoholics are wonderful people when sober but do you want to pursue a relationship with someone who stands you up and physically abuses you? And remember if the neighbors ever call the cops, you being the man are more likely to be the one arrested for DV even if she is the one hitting you and you are not touching her. Do you want a criminal record?
You have only 2 months invested in it, run! Pursuing it will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
There are plenty of nice women out there who do not slap, punch and scratch their boyfriends and do not drive drunk.
If you don't believe me, read the family forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
especially that thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-accident.html

dlions55

Thanks to all of you for your responses. My girlfriend is sober most of the time and doesn't always drink to excess. It's only when she has 'too many' that things get out of control. It has only been really bad for the past 2-3 weeks. I want to let her know that I'm not concerned with others' perceptions of her and that she has to want to change for herself. If she talks about cutting back or quitting but doesn't follow through, I'll most likely have to end our relationship, no matter how much it hurts in the short term.

As I mentioned, she is great when she's sober. She is beautiful, funny, and highly intelligent. However, I don't want to stand by and watch as she continues to harm herself and others because of her drinking habits. I definitely can't play the role of an enabler, because it will only hurt both of us, and because it is relatively early in our relationship, I figure that now is the right time to speak up and see what happens.

If I have to deal with her behavior (or worse behavior in the future), it'll only cause more damage for everyone involved. I already work 2 jobs, one of which is a very high-pressure job, and I don't need something else to worry about when I already have very little time for myself.

Carlotta

When it comes to her alcoholism, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it but it is almost guaranteed that it will make YOU miserable.

Take care of yourself

doggonecarl

I guess you tell her you are concerned and see what happens. I'd tell you what I'd think is going to happen, but I don't want to spoil it for you.

We have a forum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. Lots of information in the forms of "stickies" at the top of the page. Read through the threads and maybe you'll pick up a bit information that will prove helpful.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Carlotta

:rotfxko You read my mind Carl.

dlions55

Thanks to all of you again for pointing me in the right direction. I'm going to give this relationship a shot after I give her a very blunt assessment of the damage her drinking is doing. I will let her know that if things stay the same, she's going to lose me, and if it's not enough motivation for her, then I'll know what to do from there.

I have a big heart, and I am a very patient person who always tries to help others, but I have my limits. I don't want my life to be miserable, and in the end, I have to do what's right for me if she's not willing to change. I will go through the threads for family/friends of alcohol abuse to get some more perspective.