snipe

I have a week sober, yay! I'm struggling some mentally but at least I am not throwing up or passing out so its all to the good.

Thanks to everyone on these forums. You are a huge help.

I've been in and out of "the rooms" for 10 years and have been to thousands of meetings. Remember that as I describe my thought processes below to understand just how insidious the alcoholic brain can be.

About a year ago everything was going great and I gradually became less engaged in AA. I never made a decision to distance myself, I just didn't keep making sobriety a priority.

6 months ago I had planned a weekend trip to Florida with my girlfriend. We split up 2 days before the trip. The plane tickets and hotel room were non-refundable so I went by myself. I knew that it could be a risky proposition, sobriety-wise but I told myself I would be fine and didn't talk to anybody about it. I just told myself I wouldn't drink. That lasted until I got on the plane when my thinking switched to "I can just drink for this weekend and quit before I come home. It won't count. Nobody will know. I won't get hooked in just 2 days". So I drank the whole weekend.

Then I didn't drink during the following work week and told myself "I used to be an around-the-clock drinker and now I was able to go 5 days without a drink so I've got this under control and can drink on weekends". That lasted for about a month.

I then started drinking at nights during the week but told myself "I'm not drinking in the mornings so things are still OK". That lasted about a month.

I then started drinking in the mornings before work but told myself that "At least I'm not drinking at work and am going 10 hours a day without a drink so it's still under control. That lasted about a month.

I then started drinking at work and struggling to go more than 4 hours without a drink. At that point, I realized that it was out of control but I just couldn't stop. This went on for about 3 months until last week I just completely surrendered. I was at the point that I was constantly trying to drink as much as possible without actually throwing up or passing out. By the middle of the day, the alcohol wouldn't even give me a buzz, it would just partially sate the cravings.

Last Wednesday I told my business partners that I was drinking again (We've been partners for 15 years and they know my history. They, of course, knew I was drinking again). I took the day off an went to 6 meetings. I'm now going to 1-2 meetings a day and am telling my story and getting phone numbers from men with some sober time.

I'm also doing the following every day:

1) Pray in the mornings and evenings (just quick 2 minute prayers)
2) Spending 15 minutes reading literature
3) Calling other alcoholics until I actually get one on the phone and talking to them just so it becomes more comfortable to do when I need the support.

I've identified who I want to be my sponsor and will be asking him on Saturday.

Glad to be here, glad to be alive, glad to be sober today.

Thanks for letting me share.

Mark

GracieLou

Wow.Thank you for sharing. I really needed to read this today.

It is a reminder just how fast we can go backwards if we are not diligent everyday.

I am glad you are back on track and Congrats on 1 week.

Pat S

Thanks Mark!

Congrats on regaining your life.

yukonm

Welcome to the community, Mark

EndGameNYC

Anatomy of a relapse. The AA Big Book suggests we look at our thinking before we take that first drink.

What you describe is eerily similar to the process I put myself through before actually picking up the drink. "No one will know. It'll be different this time. I'll be more careful. I'm only drinking a couple of days without cravings. Maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all?"

This ended with "How did I end up here (jobless, penniless and alone, drinking 'round-the-clock) again?"

The insanity referred to in Step 2 isn't about the crazy things we do when we're drinking. It's about our thinking before picking up the first drink, thinking that tells us we can drink safely (this time), despite our knowing where drinking takes us.

This thought process has never left me. Working the Big Book Twelve Steps has given me a defense against such thinking and, therefore, against the first drink.

Congratulations. Not everyone comes back.

DG0409

Well done on 1 week and returning to sobriety!!

ADS20012012

Thanks for the share.

artsoul

Congrats on a week sober, snipe! You really nailed the way we justify and minimize our drinking, even as it progresses. Glad you're back into recovery!

neferkamichael

Snipe, 1 week sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.