realizingtruth

this is a really weird thing to put into words...maybe because I am scared to see it...then it becomes real. I know I drink too much and I have known it for a long time. I think we all have defining moments in addiction and I had one of mine recently. surely I'm not alone in this experience, but what kind of shook me up for this attempt at recovery is "driving with one eye open." I drove for 30 miles the other night scared STUPID because I couldn't see with both of my eyes open. terrified, I drove, praying I would not get pulled over because I surely would have gone to jail. thank god, I made it home without hurting anyone or myself, but my response to that experience is almost scarier. I pulled up in my driveway, completely relieved, and the first thing I did when I walked in was crack open a beer to relieve my anxiety for what I had done. that is seriously insane! to drink more to relieve the panic and anxiety for drinking too much to begin with. all I kept thinking was what if I had hurt another person because I was so selfish to drive after drinking?

I drink to alleviate depression and anxiety, which is ridiculous because all it does is add more of it! I know I have to stop, but actually having to deal with my feelings terrifies me.

Hevyn

Welcome realizing! I think you'll feel less anxious just by joining us. We all understand how you feel - you're not alone anymore.

Your story doesn't sound odd to me - I did the same sort of thing myself many times. I somehow justified all that crazy behavior and went on for years creating a nightmare for myself and others. I don't know why I was so afraid to let go of something that was bringing me nothing but misery.

I'm so glad you got home safe. This never has to happen again. You can get free! We are happy to have you here.

FeenixxRising

You're right, it's crazy, but it's what drunks often do. If you want to get sober, you've found a great place for support. Lots of people who understand and are willing to give a lot of support. Stick around.

Dee74

Hi and welcome realizingtruth

It can be terrifying to realise what risks we take and how were playing with our lives and the lives of others...and it's equally terrifying to think of our lives without alcohol...

but I can guarantee that fear is way way worse than the reality of quitting.

Yes it's hard - it may be the hardest thing you'll ever do - but you'll find a lot of support here.

You're not alone, and there's thousands of success stories here to spur you on.

Make that one eye open driving experience your last RT...lives, yours and others, are simply too precious to gamble with...

really glad you've joined us

D

realizingtruth

thank you so much, both of you!! seriously, not being judged for this feels so comforting because, as you know, we tend to murder our emotions over these actions. in a way, it's good, because you know you have a conscience and want to be well. it's just hard because the outside world who can't relate makes it so hard to deal with. I am so grateful to know this community is here.

Pat S

Driving in a similar state was my wake up call as well.

Never let yourself forget that feeling.

Sounds like we were both lucky and didn't hurt ourselves or others, but it very likely could have went the other way.

Never again.

-Pat

realizingtruth

THANK YOU!!! I already feel better just being honest with people I know understand. it's a huge life change, but one I have to make. I have a few days sober and I am just praying day by day for the strength to continue this journey. I am researching meetings in my area, which I will admit, terrifies me. but what terrifies me more? going to meetings or driving drunk? being a sad, depressed drunk with no hope?

I think we know the answer.

realizingtruth

yes, pat. totally agree. it does give me hope that I can see this. my drunk self hasn't taken over to the point where I can't see it. I can't risk the lives of others or my own for a substance. it is literally not fathomable.

realizingtruth

I have also been looking at my past honestly and almost every bad thing that has happened is a direct result of my drinking. it's time to stop blaming everything else for my problems, get honest, and kick this demon's ass out of my life.

silentrun

In my defining moment I realized "This is where it all falls apart."

artsoul

Welcome realizingtruth!

Good for you for deciding you don't have to live this way! It's scary, I know..... I was terrified to quit drinking and put it off as long as I could. When I found this place and finally got sober, I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner! My anxiety and depression got so much better after I stopped.

Things get better (and easier) and you go. Take it a day at a time (or an hour at a time if you have to) and lean on us for support. Glad you're here!

CLR24

I left a wine tasting (drinking) dinner one night with my wife in the car. I have no memory of the drive home, just going up stairs and passing out. We all have these hellish stories it is what we do now that counts.
I am glad you are taking responsibility and making the change of a lifetime. You won't regret it.

gravity

In addition to AA, I went to counselling for depression and anxiety which go hand in hand.

After getting some sober time under my belt, I was blown away by how much of my depression and anxiety was actually caused by my drinking (yup, alcohol is a depressant).

I was eventually diagnosed with mild depression and now take an anti-depressant.

5 1/2 years sober today! I feel good! Reach out for help, do what you're told to do...you'll get there.

realizingtruth

thank you artsoul and CLR24! it helps to see such support offered! you all have halos around your heads in my book.

the reality is believing I have control over this monster is the biggest lie. I always told myself I wasn't in denial. yes, I drink a lot, but alcoholism is a huge, scary word. that isn't me. my life isn't in the toilet. I have a house and a job, etc. I haven't lost those things.

not yet...

there is no telling where addiction would take me. I started realizing, I don't even know how to have a legitimate conversation sober. I drink before I leave the house to go out with friends. I drink to be comfortable with people. I had another defining moment not long ago where I woke up feeling shaky from a night of drinking (alone, no less) and drank two beers before 8am to feel "normal" before work. it's so dysfunctional and sad.

realizingtruth

thank you, gravity. <3 such kind words!

Tres

Welcome Realizingtruth. You have found an awesome community of people who understand. I had lots of defining moments that I ignored. Finally one day I was just done. Tired of my life, feeling miserable, hating myself. I came here and found AA also.

I am one year and 7.5 months sober. This site gets me through. You can do this.

Keep reading and posting.

realizingtruth

I watched the movie smashed a couple of months ago. I don't know who has seen it, but her first AA meeting in the movie moved me to tears. saying that her alcoholism went from "embarrassing to scary" rang too many bells. going from acting a fool or throwing up on someone's floor, even peeing a bed (which should humble a person ENOUGH), to driving so drunk you have to close an eye or blacking out to the point where you have no memories...I have been in those places.

realizingtruth

thank you, tres!

waynetheking

I think it's better to sober up now instead of jail doing 20 years for intoxication manslaughter. Glad ur here man. You can find a lot of truth here. Welcome!

realizingtruth

thanks, waynetheking. all these welcomes are amazing.