Coconut61

Hello SR Friends,

I don't post much, but something is on my mind that I wanted to share. During the past 2 years I have felt very alone. I definitely used alcohol to numb this feeling and have written posts about that topic. Eventually, during the past six months, that stopped working. I got a new job that drained my energy and I simply was too tired to binge drink. It is like alcohol just lost its affect on me physically because i couldnt drink enough to block out the feelings of loneliness. I actually got to the point where I could have one or two drinks because after that i would want to go to sleep. it was a very strange thing to have happen. I still consider myself an alcoholic because I know if I didn't have to work all the time and was unemployed I would be drinking a lot more to numb any unhappiness I felt in my life. But for the time being, I am not experiencing the negative consequences of being an active alcoholic because i am not drinking, nor do I want to.

Many people agree that alcohol is the symptom of something deeper. in my case, i have always suffered from a lack of self-confidence because of family rejection early on in my life. i had trouble getting close to others because of these experiences and as a result have suffered from a deep feeling of loneliness. so i turned to alcohol as a teenager to be comfortable in my own skin and as a way to forge social relationships. It worked for a while but ultimately alcohol ended up alienating me from friends and i lost many relationships because of it.

Now, at the age of almost 28 i find myself completely alone, and I am not sure why. I've moved around a lot so my friends are all over the country, not necessarily in the city where i am currently living (the city where i grew up). Additionally, most of my friends are either married or in serious relationships - and I am not. I literally feel like the only single one in the world. This is made worse by the fact that the friends i do have arent available to me because they spend all of their time with sig. others. So no relationships and no friends that reach out to me. It is so sad! I am wondering how i find myself in this situation when i see everyone else happy, engaged, out with friends, etc. on facebook. Is it my age, that everyone is getting married, which is the reason? is it that i kept myself isolated by drinking so long that i didnt make enough friends? Or is it me? I think i am a pretty interesting fun person and ive never had a problem making friends, even while in my active alcoholism.

I've thought to myself many many times during the past year: "All i NEED is a sig. other. Then i wouldnt feel lonely." But dating is so awful - getting to know someone is too much work. So much pressure. I really just want friends, people i care about who i can hang out with and do things with. But how does one find friends at the age of 28 when everyone seems consumed with marriages and babies? I don't know if i ever want to get married (no time soon) and i dont want kids.

If anyone who is older or my age has any insight about if this is a normal feeling at the age of 28 or if maybe alcohol kept me from building friendships that lasted over the years? I am so confused.

Adillac

I'm 30. I understand. Other than an 18 year relationship with booze and drugs, my longest relationship with a woman was 4 months. Probably only you can answer the questions about the effects of your drinking.

People tell me faith is the opposite of fear.

sugarbear1

clubs, hobbies, getting out....

find people who have your interests....

not all people drink.

don't drink and get busier with life. you can make time for these!!

Dee74

Hi coconut

My experience is I was desperately lonely all through my teens and twenties - even into my 30s when I started having long term relationships I was still lonely.

It wasn't until I quit drinking for good that I really got to face my demons - there was no more running away.

I had to face my insecurities and get to know myself, I got comfortable with who I was and realised I didn't need someone else (or something like alcohol) to complete me....

Counselling helped me get started there.

Once you're comfortable with yourself I think you can do anything - be with people, stay home alone, party or enjoy solitude and everythings ok cos I'm no longer looking for validation from other people

D

GroundhogDay

I agree with Dee. Even surrounded by people, the teens and twenties are an oddly lonely time. I think that it has more to do with figuring out who we really are than it is about others. In other words, all of that inward focus on ourselves as we struggle to figure out who we are leaves us somehow disconnected to others. I hope that makes sense.

There will be other issues to contend with as you get older. It's best to find better ways of coping than drinking as soon as possible.

hypochondriac

Ouch, you are me. I slightly younger version granted but the similarities are staggering.

First off, I'd say don't worry about this too much. Getting sober and staying that way should be your number one priority, if that's what you want to do, and everything else will start falling into place.

I too have moved around a lot. I'm slightly different in that I think I have had difficulties making friends, or at least keeping them, as I am very passive on that front. But I had the same longing for a relationship, even after getting sober. I hate admitting to that sort of stuff but there it is. Yet, I know I don't want to get married and I know I don't want children. I also know from previous relationships that I can't handle other people's neediness. I need my own space a lot. I thought that might just be because before I needed the space to drink but I think actually I just can't handle people being too full on. So what I thought I would solve by having a relationship I don't know. Even friends. I am not so great at keeping up with the ones I have so what do I need more for. When I really thought about it all of that longing was just the sensation that something was missing. We always go to the obvious solutions or look at what other people are doing when it gets like that. But what we should be doing is looking inwards and figuring out what we want to do.

Please also bear in mind that what you are seeing in other people's lives is a reflection of yourself rather than a true representation. You see other people as happy because that's what you are looking for. They themselves might not be. It is something I have always had a keen eye for and something which warned me off using relationships to try and complete me. So many people are unhappy. Some have plenty of friends but no partner, or have a partner but no friends. Some people may have both but they don't really like their friends and their partner is abusive. What you see on the outside is so often a disguise, especially on facebook where generally people only ever post good stuff. Try not to compare yourself to others, and recognise those thoughts you have but don't automatically assume they are the answer.

Also it could be alcohol that is preventing you from building lasting friendships but there is only one way to find that out. There is so much to discover in sobriety, even the bad stuff is worth knowing about and it can lead you to a greater understanding of yourself and where you want to be x