ldbc

Hi Everyone!

I'm really glad to be here. I've been thinking about signing up here for a while, and finally did. I apologize if this post is in the wrong section, but I am an alcoholic, and am sober and was not seeking "new in recovery" advice even though I am a new member, so I posted here. It's nice to be a part of an additional outlet of relief!

I am 10 days shy of 18 months clean and am 39 years old. A late bloomer, I started drinking at around 21 and progressed from there. At the miserable end, I was well into more than a 1/5th a day. Vodka. Regular and binge drinking, binge eating, heavy bouts of depression, progressions toward suicide and consistent thoughts of it, the whole 9. Alcohol had finally brought me to my knees.

Here is a little background and my question:

I am married for 6 years, and have a wonderful 3 1/2 year old girl. Due to various problems, my drinking included, she kicked me out of the house in April, 2011. I was holding down a job, and without having to hide my drinking anymore, it took off. In a suicidal episode in November later that year, I called my wife and she was there for me. She suggested I go to rehab and I then told my family (what a relief!). Years and years of hiding - how did I ever live that way?

Fast forward - I stayed sober on my own for 52 days, then went to rehab for 6 months, and moved back in with my wife. A little contentious at first, we settled down and as time went on, it was she clearly hadn't forgiven me. She still really hasn't. Many arguments (from her side) hinge on my past behavior, even though she acknowledges the great strides I've made. She says I'm a great father now and she's proud of me. I'm there to support her watching our child while she completes classes and internships for her masters. I returned to school and completed what was left of mine just this week. I have lost 75 pounds in 18 months and am close to getting back to my target weight after binge eating while drunk, and the ridiculous amount of alcohol calories. There is a lot more she says I am doing well, and seems to have few complaints these days about the management of my life.

I am achieving a point in my life and sobriety where I don't want to feel like I "owe" her anymore. I don't wan't someone "approving" or "disapproving" my actions anymore, like a parent or a teacher. I have taken control of my life now, but I acted that way before and totally deserved that treatment. I want to be on equal ground. I feel I have been punished enough.

Here is the crux of my issue: - For 3 years now, and through my entire recovery, she has not told me once that she loves me.

I feel I deserve love in my life. Through therapy and some intuition, I realize part of the reason I drank is because I was empty inside, and didn't have any love in my life. Now that I'm in a place to both give and receive love, I desperately want it.

I know that I left a wreckage, and she is absolutely entitled to be angry but how long do I live this way? I've learned enough that I cannot control what she does, but at what point do I say enough is enough? I've told her that I love her, but no response. Within the last few weeks, after an argument about our relationship, I asked her if she loved me and she cannot respond.

She acts like she cares, and consistently acts like she wants to have a "real marriage" and refers constantly to the dream of a great family life. I personally feel that it's hard for her in general to be satisfied with what she has for now and always feel that no matter what the situation is, that "the goalposts will always get wider".

How long do I give it? This is a major source of stress in my life, I feel that my relationship is close to an end. Why can't she love me? Is there something wrong with me? Was there too much damage? I have worry about my child, who is the sweetest little girl you could ever meet and what a split will do to her. I worry in general, this is pretty hard for me and the biggest stressor for me in the last 3 months or so. I give it a lot of thought. I just feel that I can't live this way much longer. If she doesn't love me, so be it, but I've learned that I must take care of myself. I spent a lot of time in typical alcoholic fashion, caring more about others and jumping to help them, instead of myself. I'd love for her to just snap out of it, but it's seems clear to me that she won't. We've tried couples therapy, but it hasn't provided much relief.

Thoughtful opinions are greatly appreciated. I know I've written a lot here - thank you for taking the time to read it. Looking forward to more interaction on these boards!

Deckard

Welcome Idbc and congratulations on approaching 18 months! It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of now.

As I was reading you post I was thinking, "This isn't so much an alcohol issue as a couples issue." But then at the end you say you tried couples therapy and it hasn't worked. I'd be curious to hear more about why you think this didn't help...

artsoul

Welcome ldbc!

Congratulations on your 18 months sober!

Sorry to hear about your relationship struggles. I'm assuming you've told her everything you posted here(?). I think, for some people, it takes a good bit of time to trust again. Maybe your wife would benefit from some one-on-one counseling for herself, if she's confused about how she feels.

Wish I had some better advice for you, but I'm glad you're here and glad you've found sobriety!

newme2013

I am the wife of an A and I read this section of the forum frequently trying to get a better understanding of my husband. I don't know if you were looking for advice from others who are in recovery but I can give you my opinion as the spouse of someone in recovery.
I had separated and filed for divorce last year but my husband is currently sober and we trying to save our marriage. During his drinking days my husband did and said some awful and very hurtful things. I imagine your wife went through some similar situations with you. I have forgiven him for the past but I will never forget it. I care about my husband and I don't want to get a divorce but I don't know if I could ever honestly say that I feel the same kind of love for him that I did when we first married. I really wish I did and I hope someday that love returns but I think there is just too much pain, heartache, and disappointment from the past that I don't know that I will ever trust him enough to be able to feel that kind of love for him again. Love is based on trust and respect and no matter how much time he has sober I think I will still be on guard that any day he could start drinking again and our lives could fall apart again. As far as respect goes, I respect him as a human being but I will always have the image of him as that stumbling drunk he used to be. I really want my marriage to work but I know many if not most of us who are married to A's will never totally get over the damage done in the past. Things seem great now but I will always view him like a dog that appears friendly now but is capable of a vicious attack at any time. I don't know how to get past this feeling of mistrust and I am not sure that it is in my best interest to ever completely let my guard down.
The Al Anon group I attend has several couples who have been married for 30+ years. Some seem very happy, in love, and completely satisfied with there marriages after going though some really awful and crazy times in the past. There are also several who say that while they have stuck together their marriage has never really fully recovered. As more time passes I am starting to see that my marriage probably is not going to be one of the success stories. I am not necessarily telling you to give up but your marriage may never again be what you want it to be.
I am not criticizing you but there are a few things in your post that sent up some red flags. You state that in typical alcoholic fashion you cared more about others than yourself. I would have to say that this is the complete opposite of typical alcoholic behavior. Of course not everyone is the same and maybe you were very selfless but most alcoholics are extremely selfish and self centered. I find it a little odd that you view people in active addiction as caring and selfless and that may be part of the problem with your wife. I bet if you asked her she would view your time drinking as extremely selfish. I am also put off by your statement that she should just snap out of it. The emotional wounds inflicted by a drinking spouse don't heal as easily as a physical injury. I often wondered why my husband could not just "snap out of it" and quit drinking and destroying our lives. He couldn't quit until he was ready. He had his own time line and your wife has her own time line to heal. I wish you well and I hope things work out for you.

ldbc

Thank you very much for your response, I appreciate you weighing in.

Was I selfish? Definitely. I'm still a little that way. You are right, alcoholics are generally selfish.

Allow me to clarify...What I mean is that alcoholics put on a good show for others, I did, always being there for others to show everyone what a "good person" I was. I was attempting to manage my outward life. Instead of caring for myself, I cared for others more than myself. Hope that puts it in perspective for you. Alot of alcoholics are this way.

I said that I "wish" she would snap out of it. I don't think she just should. I don't expect her to, and I acknowledged her anger.

I want to give her the time she needs and have trouble figuring out what that is. Do I wait forever and hope? Or should I take a more realistic view?

I cannot change the past and things I have done and said. I can however, control how I behave this and this very next day. I want to give her time, but I do believe that I should be able to live a fulfilling home life as well.

No one should suffer through a miserable relationship and I am intent on having a relationship built on trust and respect, as you say. With the damage I did and others in my position, perhaps it's a pretty tough thing to overcome. I'm trying to be realistic that starting over may be the best option. I dont' want to suffer through too much misery too much longer. I know I did it to her, but it's not healthy for either of us to exist in a relationship simply because she feels I "owe her". And I wonder why she is holding on so tight, when she just does not love me.

I have spoken to a few people who say this phenomenon is common and relationships generally don't workout post recovery for these reasons. I was hoping to get some insight from people on both sides.

Thanks again. None of this is easy and good luck to you as well.

Joe Nerv

Welcome, and congratulations on your sober time. It sounds like you're working hard on yourself, and are beginning to reap some of the many rewards of sobriety. IME they keep coming, if we keep working towards them.

While I know the feeling of being sober for almost 2 years, and know that it's an enormous accomplishment (I couldn't stay sober one day when I was active), it's still relatively early in sobriety. I say this because I know so long as we stay open minded and willing, there are many doors to be discovered and opened ahead of us.

A few things came to mind reading the OP. First was that in my experience, not much ever got resolved when I was looking at what the other person was doing wrong. I had lots of relationships where I was pretty certain I was doing everything right... and they were the ones that needed help. Had it the other way around too. What I learned for me, as hard as it might be to grasp sometimes, is that every relationship is 50/50. If there are problems going on, we're on equal ground and we both need to look at our own part.

Best way to figure that stuff out is with couples therapy. You said you've tried and it didn't help. I say find another therapist. Some simply don't know what they're doing, others can really help people to communicate, and see things they were otherwise blind to. When people are together for a long time, they start hearing each other through filters that make what's really being said impossible to hear.

I've got some other thoughts on this, but I'm really tired and having a rough time writing...

Sponsors helped me a lot with this stuff too. And I got my best "relationship sponsor" by visiting a meeting outside of my usual circle, and sharing what I was struggling with. Sorry, don't remember if you mentioned AA (I believe you alluded to it). Anyhow, that's my $.02 for this evening. Best of luck, and congratulations again.

GroundhogDay

There's really no easy answer to this dilemma. It sounds like you are already in the process of letting go of this marriage, so it probably won't work out. Just make sure that you are truly convinced that you are taking the best actions possible for all concerned. You will need to live with the consequences of your decision.

I left my first husband, but only after I was sure that it was the right thing to do. I made a clean exit, no back and forth on "trying." No drama. I have no regrets. His life did not turn out well, but that is because he never was willing to deal with his emotional problems. He just kept drowning his sorrows in a bottle despite having all kinds of advantages in life.

Tim1

Well...I'm not a marriage guidance counsellor (least I've not been one for about 20 years and I was only a voluntary (though trained) one then. So this is just my thoughts.

She quite clearly does not love you. You can do one of two things. You can either work on the relationship or you can walk away. It sounds like you want to walk away.

You cannot make someone love you. But you can do things that will - given time - perhaps help them to fall in love with you. You obviously have put on a lot of weight and let yourself go. Its hard to continue to be in love with someone who cares so little about you that they let themself go physically. The physical attraction dies...and when it does, its hard to get it back. Dont think that because you're almost back at the weight you were that its all okay now. Its not. You need to turn her on all over again. Essentially you have to court her all over again.

To do that you have to be not just the person you were back in the days she loved you, but you need to be better than that, because she has seen a side of you that you need to work hard at her ever overcoming. Its also hard for someone to love a suicidal person. How can you love them, when you know that they could kill themself? You cant do that fully if you are to hope to survive that and she has to be there to raise your daughter... which you were not able to do. She was... and she did. She put her life on hold while you were drinking and wanting to die (and yes I've been there too), she will resent that you think you can just come back like nothing happened and expect her to love you.

A lot happened.

You also say "due to various problems". You need to work on them...not just the alcohol and the weight.

You also say that you feel you've been punished long enough and that you dont owe her anymore. Its quite clear that your wife does not agree. She doesn't know that you are not going to return to drink (and you dont either). She doesnt know that you're not goign to put back on the weight. She doesnt know that you wont think so little of her and your daughter that you will try and kill yourself again. She doesnt know that all the other problems will raise their head again. But she has taken you in and let you share the roof she kept over your daughter's head while you were busy drinking yourself into oblivion She trusted you again in the house and she's given you a second chance.

You can think "I've been here long enough, she should get over it and love me again" or you can look at yourself and look at her and your daughter and decide if you think they are worth trying harder for. For sure thinking "enough time has passed in my mind" is not going to get anyone loving you.

Sit down and talk to her...ask her how she feels...listen to her... this is not about you... its about her. You turned into a fat drunken depressed suicidal person... that isnt what she married. If it were the other way round, how would you feel?