behindblueyes

Hello all.

I have never ever had any self confidence my entire life. I was picked on badly in school for being a dorky awkward kid who dressed in her big brothers hand me downs. I developed epilepsy which really made me an outsider and turned to drinking which turned into a horrible cycle of course. I have multiple anxiety disorders, PTSD and panic disorder and social anxiety.

I can't keep a job. Any job I get is a mess. Lately, my self esteem is so bad because of this boss who I work with 12 hours a day. I cry on the way to work because of her. I don't think I will ever be confident again unless I drink. That is the only time I don't feel like a total loser because I'm not panic-stricken over what is coming out of my mouth. This is at work and outside of work. However, I can't go on like this. I was doing ok until recently with 2 months sober but it is starting up again. When at work, I am having panic attacks and if not in a panic I can't concentrate. Im drinking once a week but bingeing.

Does anyone know how to gain self confidence at all? I've tried working out and lost a lot of weight but really I am still that dorky kid on the inside. I am too much of a people pleaser and a lot of people see it and use me which hurts the confidence more. This has been going on for years. I don't have many friends and guys just use me. How do I grow a backbone? Thanks.

FeenixxRising

There are self-help books and therapy. Keep in mind that developing and maintaining emotional and mental strength is just like developing and maintaining physical strength. You have to work at it everyday. You wouldn't be able to run 2 miles after little physical activity for many years, but after practicing and running a little each day, you would eventually be able to run that 2 miles.

My advice is to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and don't beat yourself up. The past is the past. Be proactive, get self-help books from the library, work on liking yourself, see a therapist if you can afford one. You can become strong, but like everything in life, you have to work at it a little each day.

hypochondriac

Hey, what's wrong with being dorky?! Be true to yourself and don't worry about what other people think or fitting into societies 'rules'. I know that is easier said than done. Myself I have managed to lead a life on the fringes but still ended up a people pleaser. I think it comes from too much doubt in myself. I am only now starting to really start sticking up for myself, rather than just being defensive, and actually believing in myself. Staying sober helps as it has given me more self esteem than anything else. Just keep doing things that you think will make you proud of you. Alcohol only ever steals confidence and self respect. Keep going on the sober path and I am sure you will start to see improvements. 2 months isn't long enough. Hugs x

CharlieNoogan

Alcohol is a short-term solution with long-term consequences when used to self-medicate.

You will be much better off if you find a therapist and get a referral to a psychiatrist so you can start dealing with your depression/anxiety in a positive way.

Scott6433

Learn to play guitar. That will rip the dork out of you quick Somewhat kidding aside blueyes I think we all feel like that which is probably what landed a lot of us here. There is a reason they call it liquid courage. Seriously though, learn guitar or some new hobby that you feel might be able to offset those feelings a bit. Discover a new band or a new artist. Got to the salvation army and get a new top or jacket. Go buy a new record and if you don't have a record player to play it on check on Craigslist for free ones. I'm not implying tangible objects solve the problem, I feel creative endeavors help though.

GroundhogDay

You will need to rid yourself of toxic relationships before you can gain self esteem and self confidence. Can you get a new job? Learn who you can and cannot trust. Your friends and loved ones will build you up to the point that you can deal with acquaintances and others that you have to deal with.

2granddaughters

I found the answers to all your questions in AA. Please Google and read "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous".

AA will help you grow a back bone, a head bone and a funny bone.

All the best.

Bob R

wanttobepure

Take small actions/steps every day to build your confidence. For example, if you have social anxiety, talk to a person in line at the coffee shop. Slowly take actions toward your desires even if it's scary for you. You will build your confidence this way.

And find a good therapist if possible. Good luck

Caldus

Hey behindblueyes,

I relate so well to the social anxiety you talk about. I have been in AA for over 9 months now and I still have a very tough time talking to people in there. Like you, I am constantly worried about what other people think of me and feel like I have the worse foot-in-mouth disease in the planet when it comes to social situations. I can say though that it has been a little easier lately for me to just talk about something deeper in front of the group.

Gaining confidence just comes with experience and willingness to try something new and slightly out of your comfort zone. For me, every time I get up to speak in front of the group, I gain that experience and thus an ounce of confidence that "I can do this" -- and from there you build the momentum. Do you go to AA meetings at all? Maybe you should try one out. I am starting to see that even for a socially awkward, shy person such as myself, the 12 steps of AA are slowly getting me out of this hell. You'll get there if you take positive action each day.

Sudz No More

YO, you just gotta tell people get out of the way or step over them. Find something your good at it and get better at it. Kick everyone's ass at it. It's alot harder for someone to look down at you when their breathing your dusty shoes. Find a job doing this very thing you know well. Everyone has a hidden talent, you just need to find, hone and exploit yours.

Then you'll be on even terms with whatever life throws at you. Get mad, get determined, get even but keep your wits about you.

Find your talent, put your head down and plow forward.

fini

Does anyone know how to gain self confidence at all?
sure: by managing to do something okay.
and then another little thing.
one more.
day after day, picking a thing or two to do; a small thing you haven't quite dared before. like, oh, asking for something.
saying "hello" in passing to some stranger and smiling.
a little project around the house that involves a bit of research and planning.

i gain confidence by trying and doing.
and then i can gain it by knowing i had the guts to try the little thing, even if the result isn't always "perfect".

that kind of stuff.

davaidavai

I've had work problems too. What I've learned from screwing up jobs distilled is this: all I can do is work to create harmony. There is no neutrality. If I'm working to create harmony, then I'm doing everything I need to do. I never thought about it like that before when I perceived myself as messing things up and being pushed around. Maybe the way to push back is to work at actively creating harmony? I don't know.

DaveT

Here's something you may not be aware of , The Ego and Self Confidence are directly opposed to each other , feed the Ego and your self confidence drops , help others as recommended in the Steps , starve the Ego and self confidence rises. Depression for example is an absolute obsession with self so much that we go inside ourselves where no light can get in . The Big Book quite clearly states that " Selfishness Self Centred ness is the Root cause of ALL our problems We must be rid of self . A lot of people think AA is a SELF HELP Group but its not at all , Its a SELF FORGETTING GROUP ! !

Nighthawk8820

Well for starters, you are fixating on everything you perceive to be wrong with you. Walking around everyday with these self deprecating thoughts is super unhealthy and will hold you back from greatness. People forget that sobriety is one of the only true ways to reivent yourself and start your life over. Learn from your past, grow from it, but dont let it define who you are as a whole. So you used to have issues with holding jobs? Well change it. This is the new you, and one of the few times in your life you have the real opportunity to reinvent everything about you. Who do you want to be? Let go of your past flaws, because you can overcome all of them now that you are sober. Each day, do something that your are fearful of or challenges you, and watch how your confidence grows. Its growing now, even if you cant see it happening. Think where you will be in a few years?


getting confidence doesnt happen overnight, nor can it be based on anything material like money, power, or appearance (thought they help,lol). You have to do something daily, or if that is too much, once a week that isnt comfortable for you. The more you do this, the more you see just how much you are capable of. The results may surprise you.

behindblueyes

Thanks. I am looking for new jobs. It is a bad environment for someone with anxiety and my boss will blurt out things like "You guys are going to drive me to drink today!" and she will mean it. I was turned down for a job already which sux because unemployment is still 10% here and there isn't much around.

Fandy

good for you on looking for new jobs. You have to be proactive and lose the "victim" mentality....value yourself and others will value you too.
Carry yourself with pride and don't worry about others opinions...it will show.

Tim1

Work at it day by day...

I've low self esteem as a consequence of having alcoholic parents who mentally and phyically abused me and in whose eyes I'm still not good enough.

Get a good book on "overcoming low self esteem" (Google that term and you will get the one I am working through). Work out and KEEP working out... dont start and quit. Give it at least 6 months. The self esteem will come. Get a hobby and get good at something. Quit drinking and then you will think a hell of a lot more of yourself. Realise that not everyone's reactions are to do with you. If someone is pissy with you, they probably have problems in their life that are worrying them and its NOT because you are crap.

In the short term, get some herbal stress releif pills and consider some self hypnotism for stress or a book on dealing with stress. Exercise... and quit drinking. My confidence has improved a huge amount since I quit drinking and I realised that the "real" me is a better person than the drunken slurring idiot me.

Stop calling yourself a dork and saying I am this and I am that and I cant do this because of that. Just change. You are NOT a label. You were never always as you are now. You dont need to stay that way. You DO have to work at it.

Oh and if your boss is a bitch, leave the job. Unemployed is better than crying to woek each day. And IF she drinks, its because she has a drink problem, not because of you. Its her life... just as its yours. Dont own her ****.

I am a total pleaser myself. I used to think I was unworthy of love. I used to think the only way someone would love me was if I was nice to them and made them happy. At my core, I thought I was "worthless". I am not...you are not. I could say I am all the labels you are wearing. I could say its not my fault and there is nothing I can do.

I didnt. I got angry at the people who made me like I am. I vowed to change. I am changing. I have no friends. I have just left the relationship that I was in the last 4 years. I could fold and say life is horrible and its all my fault. But that is BS... its just life and I am a really decent person and if people dont see that, then its their problem not mine. I'm done with feeling **** because of other people. You need to be too. Be your own person. Value yourself. Dont care so much what others think. They are not important.

Admiral

Never blame yourself for that or any problem that another person has. Their actions are theirs alone and they create their own reality, so do you.

As previously stated it takes time to change. "One day at a time" is not limited to addiction, it applies to everything in life. I set goals each day.

1) Today I won't project negativity in the workplace.
2) Today I won't take it personally when customers come off as rude or hostile.

It's just like with alcohol, if you say you'll never drink again you can almost immediately feel the anxiety and the weight of such a decision. If you say that you'll love yourself and won't be negative anymore it's the same thing, it's too vague, it's too far reaching. You need to be more specific, you need to take smaller bites. Figure out some things that you want to work on and set some daily goals for how you want to change.

Nuudawn

Learning to love and care for ourselves is what this is all about. Although I may not have walked your path, I used alcohol to shield the world from my inner dork. The past six months of my journey (and I've only been sober the last 8 days) have been about realizing the only relationship I have to fix is the one I have with myself. Near the beginning of this realization whilst reading the Spirituality of Imperfection (which I highly recommend) I heard that song "Home" by Phillip Phillips and thought ..you know what...I Have to "make this place my home"..meaning my own personal interior..as it's been a freaking warzone with me the enemy.
We will never get the validation we seek from others..only ourselves. Putting our well being into the admiration of others is a recipe for madness.
But finding some place of support (like SR) or a women's group of some sort...AA..church community...any place with compassionate ears is a great start.
You are a worthy and wonderful part of this universe. Perhaps just smiling at some other person makes their day cuz they don't feel so ...alone.
Reading your post was important for me today...thank you very much.

lilyrosemary

Hi BlueEyes..i copied this from the internet this AM and sent it to my daughter. Her and i both have very low self esteem, and lo and behold, both of us are alcoholic! ...here it is:

"Challenges & Strategies to Build Self-Esteem"
“Trying to help someone accept that they are OK can be as difficult as telling them what they always thought was the color green is actually red,” Howes says. Initially, it seems unthinkable: “It just can’t be.”

Low self-esteem and its accompanying distorted perspective also can serve as an anti-anxiety strategy that brings comfort. “In a way, self-hatred is a system they’ve known and one that has worked,” Howes maintains. People might think, “If it’s always my fault, I don’t have to confront anyone or feel ill will toward others,” even though asserting your boundaries and being able to communicate effectively with others are essential tools for healthy relationships."

anyway, i guess we find some kind of comfort in that safe place of self loathing...learn that safe place is NOT safe, its poison. run run run away from it. when you find yourself there, know that you deserve better and do the work to get there. God Bless you and if you dont mind i will pray for you, like i do for my daughter....ok?