Weaver

I have been sober for a little over 3 weeks now. Its been awesome. Last weekend my wife went to a small childrens party at her sisters house while i stayed back( we're currently staying at my mother in laws house, until our home is ready to move into in august ). Anyways i used her phone to text my nephew and came across a play by play with her mom. Basically freaking out that i was walking to the gas station amd they wete worried i was getting beer. I just wanted to walk and get a soda. I felt like a child and ot made since when my mother in law kept coming in my room for random reasons. Whatever it made me feel lile a child but i just let it go. ..... my wife and her family were going to their lake house /farm cabin this weekend and i was going to stay behind causr i wanted to take care of aome things in the office. Well now all of a sudden my wife isnt going anymore. And im pretty sure its because her amd my mil dont "trust me" alone. Im 30 yeears old. I dont need to be sneakily. Coddled. Im furious that im being treated as a child. Ill explain more when i get to my computer. Im outside on my phone, so sorry for the run on paragraph

FeenixxRising

I get that from one of my family members, but it doesn't bother me. I've given this person plenty of reasons for her to be worried. However, I told her that if I slipped I would not lie about having done so.

I think the concern/distrust is only natural this early in your soberity. Give it time; once you have some sober time under your belt they will start to treat you with less distrust/concern.

Weaver

When I confront her about my suspicions , i could tell i. was right, wife says "it dosent matter, i fully expect you to get **** faced in front of me now to prove a point" wtf. Im not looking for dozens of high fives and pats on the back. My being a drunk was my fault but i dont believe i deserve to be treated /talked to this way. Im not even sure how to approach this cause its as if i have no right to say anything bc i was/am a "drunk" like i have no leg to stand on

sugarbear1

We destroy trust with others.

It takes time to rebuild it back.

Breathe in and out and just keep moving forward in recovery. There is no place for resentments as they will take us back to the darkness very quickly.

Are you using any method to help you stay stopped? It can help.

With empathy, love, & hugs,
~SB

FeenixxRising

I'm not married, so I don't understand all the dynamics of your situation. However, it sounds like she may have some anger stemming from your drinking past. I don't know about you, but when I drink, I do a lot of stuff that worries certain family members. I think you should try hard to not take it personally or start thinking you may as well drink if she's going to be mad at you anyway. That's not good thinking IMO.

In my experience, it takes a lot of time to mend relationships once we get sober.

You may want to cross post on the "Friends and Family" sub-forum. You might get some additional perspective.

Olive1

Hi Weaver,
We alcoholics are brilliant liars, deceivers and manipulators.......even to ourselves. It takes a while to build up the trust of our loved ones again. The only way to do this is with our actions.
As when the cravings diminish, so will the trust grow again.

Weaver

I had no intentions of drinking and know for a fact i wasnt going to drink.

Coolmel

The best thing to do in this situation is to never drink again.

Weaver

I guess they have a right to treat me like a child....maybe? But i cant help but be annoyed with the thought of being watched/monitored like a child

Dee74

3 weeks seemed like a lifetime to me, but to everyone else it was...3 weeks.

Give it time, Weaver - and don't be hard on your loved ones...recovery is rough on everyone, but it might be even tougher on them cos they're not inside your head, y'know?

D

Hevyn

Hi Weaver. I understand your anger and disappointment. I'd be feeling the same way - but it's true that we have to prove ourselves to those we've let down. Eventually the memories of your drinking days will fade, and there'll be no reason for them to doubt you. I'm sorry for your frustration, though.

Sudz No More

Hang in there, I had to deal with mistrust from my Wife for months after my last drink. She only does it because she is worried about you. Even though I now it pisses you off because it pissed me off they just care. It's hard to see it that when you feel like you are climbing the great wall of china and want a pat on the back for climbing 20 feet. They want to see you get over the wall before they are going to tell you how great you did.

Again, hang in there and try to understand her viewpoint.

Weaver

Thanks everyone

Johno1967

After nearly 9 months still building that trust with my wife. Sometimes I wonder "what's with her? Can't she see I'm doing my best to be a better person?". I'm very careful to not vent any frustration and put down any brewing resentment that brews over day to day trivialities. I know where anger and resentment lead.
Marriage at the best of times ain't easy and doing recovery while trying to keep others happy is very hard. I'm sending this from a cafe in a mall. Came down here to pick up a couple if things but really just down here to get a breather from my wife. I find without my exercise, solitude and quiet time and meditation I would be rooted. Sounds selfish but the serenity prayer and the humility prayer are right sometimes it's better to just let go and find that place inside you can go for refuge.
Three weeks, you are doing ok. The first six weeks to three months are tough keep going mate, things will get better if you keep your recovery as priority number 1. Can't emphasis that enough. Your sobriety is life or death, it has to come first.

RaiseAnchor

Man, don't fret too much. But, hey I can understand I always got sort of snide toward other's being too hovering about my drinking (when I had been sober). I still wanted to feel like no one else could tell me what to do (not to drink, even if I wasn't). I still feel that way sometimes (I'm an adult), but I try to keep my pride on lock.

I mean, they do care about you though. Think about it. You do have some people that are concerned for you. Sure, you may not owe them anything, and you did stay sober. Keep on rocking and taking on life with a clear head. The truth is, as annoying it may be, they do want you healthy. You want yourself healthy as well so there's something you agree on.

josi

I feel the same way as you. Right now I'm away from home during the week for my job and my husband asks me at least a few times during the week if I drank at all. I'm making the decision not to drink right now because I don't want to screw up my new job. It's my decision and I feel like he's pushing it more and more on me which actually makes it harder. BTW, I'm still undecided if I want to quit all together. I know I have some serious problems with alcohol but I don't know if I'm at that point where I'm ready to give it up completely. I seem to resent my husband when he pushes for me to stay sober. I know if that time ever comes I need to do it for myself and for my reasons.

DoubleBarrel

The thing is, she's right.

How many times have you gone and gotten drunk?

It's gonna take,a looooong time to regain any credibility. It's all your fault. Let that motivate you.

But as for her,checking up on you, sounds pretty codependent. Perhaps you could give her the book codependent no more? Did wonders for my wife.