MadameX

I am still new to recovery. I know i shouldnt be thinking about dating but i am single and met someone just by chance. I am scared telling him im a recovering alcoholic is going to scare him away. But we are getting to the point where he is noticing my depression and wants to know whats going on.

At what point did you admitt to others you are an alcoholic? I still have issues telling myself im one.

tomsteve

what im wondering is what yer motive in this relationsip thing is.i hope yer not lookin for anything more than friendship.i got into a relationship early in recovery, against the advise fo others. it wasnt very good as i only attracted someone as sick as me.
personally i thiink ya ought to be more concerned with admitting and accepting it with the person in the mirror than anyone else.
that will make getting into a solution easier.

Nevertheless

Iduno,just a while ago you were talking about a trip to the liquor store. There really is a reason they say to wait. If you are an alcoholic,and quit. It really does take some time to figure out just who the heck you are.
I would be happy one minute,and bite someones head off the next. There is a reason they call it an emotional roller coaster ride (because thats what it is) Then there is also the factor of when something goes wrong in a relationship,it is a trigger to drink.
I guess if it was me and I had to be with someone I would put all my cards on the table. That way there will be no reason to have to cover up the crazy things that will happen in the future,or have happened in the past. Telling fibs,and bending the truth is also a trigger to drink. While there is good reason to keep skeletons in the closet. It does no good if you can't keep them from escaping. In other words don't try to hide something that you just can't keep a secret.
Just my opinion....

Fred

MadameX

Im not looking for a relationship. This is just someone who has become a good friend and thinks pretty highly of me. I guess it just feels good to have someone around who doesnt know my dark past. But it feels fake and he doesnt know the truth about me. When i went to the liquor store i wanted to call him and scream please stop me. But i felt i didnt want to destroy his opinion of me. So i came and posted here. I guess it goes back to the shame again.

Im gonna try the AA meetings again. I think i need to keep busy when im alone. When i posted yesterday i really wanted to end it all. Posting and everyones advice did help snap me out of it. I just need to stop thinking about all my problems. Its overwhelming and depressing me. I created such a mess in my life. I dont know how to fix it all. Financial issues, a house in foreclosure, a pending dwi case, on the verge of losing my job because i have to take off every month for court. Its been dragging for a year. It hinders my progress. Just feels at times just when things are looking up something else goes wrong. I need a plan. I tried seeing a counselor and they want to put me on prozac pfff!! Last thing i need is to become addicted to something else.

FeenixxRising

I would just come right out and tell him you're having issues with alcohol and you're attempting to stop. Sometimes the direct approach is the right approach, and in this case I think that's the way to go.

He will either accept you as you are or he won't. If he doesn't accept it and bolts, that's his problem, and he wasn't someone who should be in your life.

Of course, he may say he "understands" and then his actions may say otherwise (him suggesting you can have just one glass of wine or something similar). If that happens, you know what you will need to do.

hypochondriac

I'm still not entirely comfortable telling other people, I don't know what's with that, but I am much better than I was in early sobriety so I am guessing it gets easier in time. One thing I have noticed that I think more highly of the people I have told. I think they are understanding accepting people. There are people who I thought I was really close to but I have realised I don't trust them with even slight amounts of personal information like this. It's made me wonder what they're around for. So yeah, there is a huge amount of acceptance that you have to do yourself in order to tell others, but if you are really uncomfortable telling someone don't rule out questioning why x

Torso

Years ago, before I admitted to myself I had problem, I went on a date with an older lady (late 40, I was early 20)... she was fierce!

We met in a bar and she ordered a soft drink, I didn't think anything of it as she came on her motorbike. Then we met another time and she wanted to meet in a bar and play pool, I knew she hadn't driven and she ordered a soft drink.

When it was my round I asked her if she wanted something alcoholic and she just said no I don't drink... once I start I don't stop and I just thought wow!
Alcohol was all I thought about at the time.
She later told me all about her antics and honestly and I thought she was a brilliant woman. It didn't last but I still remember thinking how great it was she was so honest with me.

As for whether you should be dating or not I think is up to you and your limitations. Dunno how much you agree with AA or not.

Nevertheless

Yea,I know how overwhelming just a DWI can be not counting a house foreclosure and all. I couldn't agree more about Prozac. Just replacing one problem with another.
The only plan I can think of though is to not drink. After I had been sober a while I looked back,and realized my thinking was not only screwed up in the evening when I was drunk. It was also screwed up during the day when I wasn't. I didn't realize how much booze was influencing me until I got away from it for a while. It just takes time,and it is very tough at first.
You just have to keep remembering that booze will only make things worse.


Fred

ElegantlyWasted

IMHO you need to live an honest life on all levels. The anxiety your feeling regarding the possible consequences of leveling with yourself and person of interest is why the conventional wisdom re relationships during "recovery" is give it about a year. That being said many rewarding and enduring relationships are forged early in recovery. Its just a rule of thumb, but there's a lot of wisdom in it. You'll get past it and feel confident re not drinking soon enough, just don't over stress yourself too much early on or a visit to relapse city becomes increasingly likely. Just trying to frame this from my own experiences in a way that may help. Best luck, its your decision how to proceed.

MadameX

I told my friend a little while ago. He told me now he understands and certain things make sense. He said he doesnt think any less of me and said hes not going anywhere. Funny thing is he told me he hade a cocaine problem in his twenties and he knows how tough over coming an addiction is. I feel like a weights been lifted. Now i need to work on talking to my kids. I feel ive scarred them for life. I pray they dont grow up messed up. And all though i never hurt them physically ive left some emotional scars. I have alot of mending to do.

DayTrader

Relationships, especially early in recovery, were great in helping me not focus on recovery but instead focus on some of my favorite shortcomings like codependency, manipulation, self-centered worry and fear, and many more. They also helped give me a lot of excuses with other things to do besides work steps and the program.......

I'm pretty lucky I made it through without drinking but the quality of my sobriety didn't fare so well. Given all the change one usually goes through in the first year or two, it's pretty rare that I see any "early sobriety" relationships last.

Strength11

In my opinion I would be honest and come out and tell them. It is always good to be open and honest. If that person cannot accept who you truly are, then they are not worth it and there is something better out there for you.

zjw

I prefer to not mention it myself unless it seems like i should. I'm in a situation myself where my wifes let on more then i wish she woudl have to her family members. so now I feel like the black sheep. Most are fairly understanding but ya know be care around him he has that problem, you know.... I dont like people walking on eggshells around me over it. almost like i feel like a leper now and I dont like that.

MadameX

Zjw I know exactly what you mean. Everytime my ex husband drops my kids off from his weekends he says " call me if you need me. Be careful. " like im going to hurt them. I guess i deserve it. My track record towards the end was the worst. Not picking them up from school cause i passed out, driving drunk sometimes, my dwi. It wasnt hidden anymore. I guess only time is going to prove to eeveryone im changed. Funny my uncle was alcoholic for 15 years. Now that my mom mentions some things I kind of remember. But nobody talks about it anymore or treats him different now. It was only mentioned because of my issues. I cant wait for the day everyone forgets and just says im a good person but just went through a bad patch :-(

zjw

Yeah for some in my situation its just one more strike against me. For others its oh be careful he's sensitive to that IE dont drink around him you know his past and all... I'd really prefer to keep it under wraps unless I myself decide to mention it to someone etc... I have to determine that theres a real genuine need to disclose the information and that its not going to haunt me somehow etc.. or if it is that the benefit of disclosing it outweighs that.

If its any consolidation drinking or not you'd probably always be an outcast to an X spouse for many thats just how it works if your are or not is irrelavent it seems.

But yeah time does heal all things.

Anonym0us

Lol @ comparing the effects of prozac and alcohol.

Honestly you sound a bit ignorant in your dismissal of the drug. SSRIs don't provide some sort of instant high, they normalize brain chemicals so that you don't get such excessive bad mood swings and depression. You won't take a dose of prozac and react like you would on alcohol, it simply does not work that way.

From personal experience, I take Wellbutrin XL, not an SSRI or such but an antidepressant, and find my cravings for alcohol reduced by about 95% (I credit increased dopamine activity in the brain). It's one of the main reasons I'm able to stay sober. Plenty of alcoholics usually have underlying mental illnesses anyway they are masking that when treated make it much easier to stay sober.

choublak

Maybe that's more your perception of things. A lot of people say things like "be careful" and "take care of yourself" to everybody.

ru12

I just say " no thanks" when offered a drink.

kinzoku

I mean you can just say "I don't drink". Period. No need for an in-depth explanation right? I've dated two gals who didn't drink. One of them offered me the eventual explanation that her father was an alcoholic so she'd never had a drop, the other just said she didn't like it. Also two of my good friends don't drink and that's where their explanation stops as well.

choublak

Alcoholism runs in my family and plus I don't really care for alcohol; never liked the taste. I know people don't necessarily drink it for the taste, but yeah. Once I told someone I didn't really like alcohol, and they were like, "are you an evangelist?" Right, that must be it.