Jean77

Went to an AA meeting tonight and now wish I hadn't. Alittle back story, Part 1, I've been sober for 35days have been trying to be open minded to AA and have made some good friends.
Part 2, my husband had been in jail for 90days, now out for 2week and has been sober the whole time. He started going to AA on his own.

Tonight I went to a womens group, my husband went to an open meeting down the hall.

A yelling fight that ended with one woman stomping out of the meeting due to somebody "cross talking" and the chair person abrutly stopping her and embarrassing her to tears. It was incredible uncomfortable.

Meet up with my husband after meeting and he was extermely upset. A woman told him that at his first meeting he broke protocol and "cross talked". And apparently said it in a way that made him feel like she was talking down on him and infront of people. He is so upset says he will never go to another AA meeting.

WTH??? I know these meetings aren't suppose to be like this, I can't believe the coincedence of events tonight. I'm so stressed, sad, and pissed all at the same time.

Just needed to share.

tomsteve

welp, we werent there so we dont really know exactly how you both were informed about the cross talk, but it is disrespectful to be doin it. i am sure that if ya keep goin back, sit down, be quiet, and listen you both will learn something. get a sponsor,too.

the only way yer husband felt he was being talked down to is by letting himself feel that way. the program teaches us why it makes us feel that way and how to fix it.


keep comin back and you'll see a barfight break out at a meeting some time!

Grungehead

Sounds like you might want to try a different meeting. If by cross talk you mean someone interrupting someone else while they are talking, well that's usually seen as rude whether you are in a meeting or somewhere else. But there are better ways to handle it than it sounds like these people did. But then again the rooms of AA are not immune to jerks and it only takes one to leave a bad taste in your mouth. I hope that if you have some other meetings in your area you'll give it another try. I've been to a lot of meetings in my time and I have personally never experienced something like that, but at the same time hearing about it doesn't surprise me.

Jean77

Weren't informed anything about "cross talk". Apparently that is went wrong in both scenerios. My sponsor was also attending the meeting and was horified.

Newcomers don't know all the protocols but that said they are exteremly vunerable and embarrassing them isn't helping them to the road of soberity.
I don't think if your new you should have to just sit there and be quiet until you figure out the do's and do not's to avoid being embarrassed. Everybody has to start somewhere and all I can say is I feel terribly sorry the lady and my husband that had to go thru that tonight when all they wanted was to receive and give support.

Unfortunate.

To tomsteve- I hope not to see a barfight break out at AA. They say if you feel down or if you feel like your going to drink go to a meeting. If fights happen then what would be the point if not to make you feel worst?

Jean77

Thanks Grungehead. I think your right.
I don't know what happened in my husbands group so I can speak on those specifics (I would hope not intruption).
But what happened in our group was not interuping but more of open discussion which I and other newcomers now know is considered a no no.
I have a great sponsor so I'm not burnt on AA or even this group she did alot of damage control afterwards. (She must be emotionally drained now).

roljoh

Jean77
Sad to hear that you have witness this, i learned in AA that we all are a bunch of sick People, and the others are as sick as me, i learned to pray for them:-) and maybe listen a bit..all People can have a bad day..maybe ask the ones that cross talked if they need some help:-) hope both of you give it a New chance..best of Luck to you both:-)

GracieLou

I have never seen this in a meeting. I have heard it mentioned in the rules of the meeting.

IMO cross talk is creating a conversation between the person that was sharing and the person commenting. There is no pause or chances for others to share. Basically someone says I am "Joan" and starts their comment and then when they are finished with their comment, or in the middle of them, someone jumps right in with their comments and then Joan makes additional comments and it goes back in forth. In this scenario others do not have a chance to comment. Instead others are listening to a conversation or cross talk.

I think maybe they could be more gentle with newcomers and the fact that as new people our emotions are very raw. At least mine were and still are to a degree.

I do think sometimes when a person has made a comment we relate to it so much that are first instinct is to jump right and express that. Sometimes we need to wait our turn. I like the discussion meetings that start with one and then go around the room. This way if you have something to say you get your chance.

You can try other meetings. Not every meeting I have been to I have felt comfortable in. Sometimes you have to shop around for a good fit.

Michael66

Sounds like it wasn't handled well. I think it's always a bit difficult for newcomers coming to a group with an established culture that the newcomer doesn't know to begin with. With any group (work, social, church, etc) I tend to sit quietly to begin with and just observe (I like people-watching anyway, and am naturally quiet, so that's no hardship). I think observing to begin with allows us to get a handle on the informal rules of engagement. Mind you, being quiet may also break the informal rules in some groups so I guess there is no sure way of behaving in a new group that has a particular way of doing things.

Also, I think even the best-intentioned people can sometimes get stressed and act in a manner that is less than fully charitable. We probably all need to give others some room for imperfect behaviour, just as we'll need that room ourselves sometimes.

I wouldn't see this as an "AA problem" - it's always an issue with groups of people where some know each other well and where a particular culture has developed over a long time (you can see it happen even here, in SR, at times). There will inevitably be an "in group" who know the culture, share some history (perhaps including some private jokes which can then exclude others outside of the in-group). Hopefully there are always enough "people people" inside in the in-group who recognise when they are beginning to unintentionally exclude newcomers, and those more people-sensitive members can nudge things back in a more stranger-welcoming direction.

I do hope you and your husband can go back and give it another go. It would be a shame if it put you off long-term. Perhaps in time you can remind the old-timers that newcomers don't know the meeting culture and so some gentle way of introducing them to it would be beneficial, as well as some charity for those that break those informal "this-is-the-way-we-do-things-around-here" rules.

elihoping

I'm sorry you both had to experience that. That's not nice for newcomers. My sponsor explained that crosstalk was if I shared something and then a person later in the meeting refers to what I say specifically or comments on what I said. She said the reason it's discouraged is so that I can share what's on my mind without fear of criticism etc. It's to create a safe environment for someone to speak their mind.

I hope you are your husband both go back to the meetings. I've seen drama in some but the next one is usually fine and I've learned how to sit through an awkward situation, which I think is always hard for us alkies! x

Joe Nerv

I've been going to meeting for 29 years, probably around 5000 meetings, and never saw a fist fight. And I'm in NY. I can also count the yelling matches I've seen and remember on one hand. Me thinks you might want to find another meeting.

A guy I sponsored I met at his second meeting where the speaker interrupted him say that what he was saying had nothing to do with alcohol. She cut him off and didn't do it all that nicely. I talked to him after the meeting, we became friends, he stayed in AA... he's sober now 25 years.

Gotta say that I find it interesting how people could spend years drunk and hungover, get into all kinds of fights, all kinds of trouble, get locked up, spend time in jail, and then someone tells them not to crosstalk at an AA meeting and they fall to pieces over it and vow never to return. Somethiing tells me that's alcoholism rearing it's ugly head and trying to make an enemy out of the very thing that will will save our lives. I believe it's the toughest people that stick out this sobriety stuff. It's easy to run to a bottle, and find lots of reasons to justify it. A lot tougher to learn to deal with our feelings.

miamifella

I doubt most people in recovery got into fights or were locked up or went to jail. Few I met did. And a fight with a significant other is different than being shamed in front of a group when you are asking for help.

The scenarios here are all too common. I have said it before but I think a friendlier atmosphere that welcomes new people and guides them without shaming them would be a lot more effective than the"tough love" and vague unspoken rules that I found baffling. (In all the meetings I went to I do not think any two groups even had the same definition of "crosstalk.") How often do we see people berated for rules they did not even know the existence of? Why are newcomers expected to prove themselves before help is given?

Maybe the newcomer needs someone to guide them. In all the emphasis on sponsorship we ignore the simple needs of people at the start who know nothing about recovery and just need some support and guidance. Someone who can explain the program and be available when someone is having difficulty, but will not give the kind of tests that sponsors do.

Or barring that, why can't the corrections be given with the same dignity and respect that one would correct any person learning something new?

GracieLou

I found this interesting.

Crosstalk in meetings - AA FAQ

from that...

Page 125 of the Big Book has some good advice on not giving advice:
We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.

deeker

Let it go it's just one meeting. There are thousands more. Can't let one little bad experience stop you from getting your recovery. Believe me you are gonna see a lot more. People are people everywhere you go. Their is no sign hanging on the door that says you have now entered AA sit back, relax and enjoy a perfect evening where everyone is well behaved. Ain't gonna happen. If you want to use it as an excuse then go ahead. But in my opinion if you are going let something as insignificant as that keep you from something that is gonna save your life, you are just gonna find another excuse next time.

No offense but this alcoholic was very sensitive in early recovery and took everything as a personal attack. It was me not them.

deeker

[QUOTE=miamifella;3981403]I doubt most people in recovery got into fights or were locked up or went to jail. Few I met did. And a fight with a significant other is different than being shamed in front of a group when you are asking for help.

Hi my name is deeker I am an alcoholic. I have been in jail 7 times. I got in fights. Half of the people I know personally in AA/NA have been in jail at least once. So you can doubt all you want but you if you do a poll in my area I doubt you would be right. Many people find AA cuz they have hit bottom and jail was one of their last yets.

Jfanagle

I have had a few less than perfect AA meetings and I have had more than a few bad restaurant experiences.

I still go to meetings and I still eat, just found places that worked.

My experience,
Jon

Joe Nerv

That was sorta one of the points I was trying to make. And the jail thing came from the fact that the OP stated that her husband had in fact been jailed for 90 days. The other point I perhaps didn't express all that well is that it's easy to find a reason to not go to AA if someone wants. I wouldn't let one little incident put me off to it.

deeker

[QUOTE=deeker;3981797] That's an odd statement cuz you said Your husband just got out of jail.

Well that's 50 percent of all the alcoholics in your household if it's just you two. And if he weighs more than you, that's most. lol Just messin with ya.

miamifella

I am sorry if the statement was odd. I forgot that OP had said her husband was in jail.

I was a little sensitive to the stereotyping of people in AA. I think a lot of people think of alcoholics as ex-con, bar-room brawlers, homeless etc. I have met very few people in recovery who ever were in jail or got into brawls etc. Of course there are some, but the majority are people who would easily blend into any office, neighborhood, church etc.

deeker

Please keep in mind I am just having a healthy discussion with you miamifella

Actually I thought the op posted that statement so my mistake there.

And I can understand the stereo typing, but the truth of the matter is that the ends are always the same jails , institutions and death.

And though many people in AA look like they could work in an office it could be an excellent example of what AA can do in a person's life. Meaning they look good cuz they are getting well. And that says so much about AA. And that is awesome as it has done so much for me. No one would know by looking at me that I was ever in jail. I dress well and take very good care of my appearances. But appearances are just that.

But alcoholism is no respecter of persons. Any person. You have probably heard the saying Alcoholism does not discriminate.

I believe that your statement could be reverse stereo typing here cuz someone could say that because you don't look like your work in an office in AA and are poor, don't dress the best, don't have much in the way of materials that you have probably been to jail or have a record. That would also be untrue. And I know that is not what you are saying. But it could come off that way.

You just can't tell by looking at a person and say that he or she has been in jail. There is no way I could look at a person and be able to tell if they are a child molester or not. People who work in offices are prone to alcohol and do commit crimes and go to jail. How do I know my boss doesn't go home drink a quart of vodka and beat his wife. And many do hit bottom get out of jail and go to AA. And they get jobs in offices, like me.

But what I do want to say to you is that I am glad miamifella that you didn't have to go that far down. And many are blessed to have not gone down that far.

I also agree with someone earlier that said concerning the op's post that we tolerated a lot of stuff while we were out there drinking, we saw a lot, we experienced a lot, we ourselves did many deplorable behaviors.

So to avoid AA because of a couple people who you thought were rude. Well that excuse is kinda poor in my opinion. It's called life and it's not planned and you never know when you are going to be presented with an uncomfortable situatuion. I do know that if it happened to me , that I am pretty sure that every single meeting I went to after that would not entail someone saying "no crosstalk". At least not to me cuz I now would have learned my lesson and moved on.

youbetcha

When I went to my first meeting I was confronted about cross talk. I've seen it as a common thing for new people over the years. I think it does put the meeting off track, it's different than being in a therapy group. Once I learned what boundaries were, what the rules were, and more about the program I understood why no cross talk. I hope Jean comes back 'til she sees the reason for it too.