Threshold

My experience...many alcoholics/addicts are ultrasenstive to anything that looks, smells, sounds or could be construed to be criticism or making fun of.

I have no idea how the cross talk issue was handled or addressed. If the person was reminded that there is a rule against crosstalk or were they chewed out...Sometimes just being told that "that's now how we do things here" can be taken way harsh, when really it was just a simple head's up.

One of the things about meetings is that in them we come face to face with our issues and tendencies, often by seeing them in others. THe stuff that makes me squirm in my chair is an invitation to figure out why I react that way, not to make a list of why someone else shouldn't have said something that makes me feel squirmy.

I had a whole string of embarrassing, uncomfortable, OMG these people aren't very nice, moments when I first got into the program. It was suggested to me that I not let other people's issues or personalities get between me and my recovery. There was way more good stuff I could take from the meetings than the few uncomfortable things that I could use as excuses to stop attending.

I am sure I did all kinds of stuff that irritated the tar out of people. A few times people were reminded "no cross talking" because they'd started cross talking to me....because what I'd said irritated them so damned much they forgot the rule! Hope I didn't scare anyone off.

Maylie

It in unfortunate that you both had such a bad experience so early on in going to meetings but each meeting is different and for every bad meeting will most likely be more good meetings. It all comes down to what you make out of your time in the rooms. Even if something uncomfortable happens during the meeting, that doesn't mean that you can't take something positive away from it.

Nothing in life is perfect. I mean hell, if one bad experience was enough for us to stop doing something then none of us would be addicts or alcoholics! If jail, overdoses, losing all our money, declining health, losing friends, hurting family members, living as a slave to a substance..if all of that didn't stop us from using/drinking then how can we let one bad meeting stop us from seeking recovery?

I say take that meeting for what it is, and keep moving forward wit your recovery!

Jean77

Update:
Everybody involved in the drama at group resolved their issues and aplogized to everybody. It seems this has been an ongoing issue (before we started) and some of the folks have been having a hard time in life (understandable) and so it made for a perfect storm for an explosion.
We are all human just trying to live life to the best of our abilities there is no manual or play book and none of us are or ever will be perfect newcomers, longtimers, family, co-workers, and all people in general.
I have to remember that about myself and others.

Thanks for all the feedback.

Veritas1

I understand, and am sorry that some people at the meeting spoke that way.

A couple of people, however, do not speak for AA as a whole, or invalidate the good that can come from someone discovering the program of AA, and it's fellowship.

People are going to make mistakes.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous teaches us when people offend, we realize they are spiritually sick, and we ask God to save us from being angry.

We treat them as if they were a sick friend.

Not everyone has good manners...and sometimes, people are going to say things that sound rough, or harsh, but listen for the good, because the good is there along with the bad.

Find a new meeting. Avoid the groups with big shots who want to govern.

Attend a business meeting at said group where you heard people in service and share your experience to incite change.

Don't give up, or judge AA by a couple of people.

To deny yourself the opportunity of a spiritual change from the program of AA would only hurt yourself.

Understand that anyone can say anything in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it is how we react...or the goal, is to not react...to remain undisturbed...

No one has the power to make you happy, or unhappy. We decide for ourselves what we will believe.

Don't focus on the negative...and forgive them, and go back and make it better...for you and for others.

WE create the fellowship we crave.

There are two things we can do when we don't like something...complain, and walk away, or recognize and change it for the better.

What will your choice be?

Best regards...

bigsombrero

I think the subject "crosstalk" along with other "rules" in AA is a good topic. As newcomers to recovery, we are often coaxed or urged to go to AA. "Just show up, everyone is loving", we are told. We are not told about the terminology, rules, when to listen, when we can talk, etc, etc.

AA is not as simple as some folks would have us believe. Each group has it's own personality, there are different vibes, themes, "cliques", and the whole 9-yards. Let's face it: when you go to AA, you are joining a club. If you're not into clubs or fraternities, it might not be the best fit for you. I have had good experiences and bad experiences in AA. I am 100% certain it helped me get sober in the early going.

But your story highlights this fact: Everyone thinking of going to AA should be aware that this is a club, there are rules, and it's not always going to be a nice place. And there's nothing wrong with you if you don't like it.

Soberpotamus

I'm new to AA and have been going to Women For Sobriety meetings much longer, as well as online SMART recovery meetings... and I do a group therapy once per week.

AA is the only group where there is no cross talk allowed. And I understand why that is. It's to allow the speaker the freedom and courage to speak without fear of being ridiculed, criticized, etc. It was a little odd to get used to. But I do appreciate that I can go to my other meetings and comment and actually receive feedback...

I think there may be a gender factor in all this as well. What I've noticed is that men seem more comfortable sometimes with the no cross talk thing, and that women seem to like to give more feedback... maybe it is a gender difference? Just my own theory there.

GracieLou

At my second AA meeting since coming back there was almost a fist fight..lol

I was reading How it works and right in the middle a guy across from me started yelling at the guy next to me. They both stood up and it continued back and forth. The chair person spoke up several times along with some other members until it was a basically "take it outside" stance. They did finally leave with several people going with them. We continued on with the meeting but during the lead several people came in and back out again. Very disruptive and disrespectful.

Later the cops were called and the reverend of the church. After the meeting the reverend lets us know that the trouble makers were banned from the church. I guess they both have been making waves and causing issues for some time. I heard they were stalking women at the meetings.

It ended there and I have never seen either one of them again.

I thought dang, I have been gone nine years and things have changed...lol

Soberpotamus

:rotfxko

Ngokpa

Some people in AA are quite pushy, and think they know it all. They go from using alcohol addictively to using AA addictively; but that's still a step in the right direction.

I like the old saw about "sober up a horse thief and what you get is a sober horse thief." AA is nutty sometimes, and there's good people too. We're all a little crazy at times, but not all at the same time.

Personally I eventually found other resources, but they were in addition to AA, not instead of. I needed a group that addressed my #1 problem.

ElegantlyWasted

Part of AA that is really good in a morbid way is that we learn that there are a lot of sick people in AA and some of them actually have a good amount of sobriety. Cross Talk is simply not interrupting someone else's share or even a speaker. Given the decentralized nature of AA the technical definition seems to vary somewhat. Sorry you had a bad experience, we have a lot of sane balanced AA members here on SR that can help guide you on how to get what you need out of AA.

Gottalife

I'm very glad the problem has been resolved. The cause is not the newcomer in my view, it is lazy AA. Few of us bother to 12 step a newcomer before they go to a meeting. Instead they are told to just turn up and it can be a real lottery.

I was 12 stepped over the course of an afternoon. Not only did I learn that AA was for me but I also had a buddy who had briefed me on meeting protocol and took me to my first few meetings and made sure I got to meet some people. He stuck with me until I found a sponsor.

Contrast that with a firend who was just told to turn up. He did and was ignored. He noticed that certain people who wanted to speak just jumped in and insisted on sharing, actually it was dumping rubbish not sharing hope.

So he figured out how AA works. You barge up the front, insist on being heard and dump all your crap all over the meeting. And that's what he does to this day. We taught him to do it that way.

It works much better if we follow the chapter on Working with Others and remember it is our job to carry the message to the alcoholic, not wait for him to show up at a random meeting, with the obvious risks that taht entails.

FlyerFan

Try different meetings.

Justfor1

I have seen pretty much everything that can happen at a bar happen at a AA meeting. Mostly, at one of the local AA clubhouses that has meetings from 6AM until 11pm. Stealing seems to be the biggest problem. Although, cross talk does happen once in a while.

tomsteve

one thing ive noticed with newcomers( and i will incude myself):
people that were the "closet drinker" type seem to keep quiet while others are sharing
bar drinkers have to be informed of the cross talk stuff. heck, when i was in a bar, everyone talked over everyone else! its something i had to work on( and still do).

FeenixxRising

Gottalife, could you clarify what you mean by "12-stepping a newcomer"? Do you mean just explaining the 12-steps to a newcomer, or do you mean having a newcomer start the 12-steps immediately? If it's the latter, I would have run, not walked, out of my first AA meeting. I'm simply not ready to start the steps, but I do like that I was told I could just attend meetings without any commitment on my part.

I enjoy the meetings, but I'm not ready to start the process just yet.