Deckard

Hi Crossfitdad -- Welcome! This is a great forum, and I think you'll be glad you joined in...

I second (third?) Dee and Sugarbear. From what you have said, it sounds like an AVRT type approach might be a good fit for you.

tomsteve

what i read in yer thread, crossfit, is concern that ya dont become a dry drunk.
IMO, what ya posted of your activities isnt dry drunk at all.
there are many different views on what a dry drunk is( and some people dont like the term), but it seems they all share the same traits-retaining mental and behavioral traits associated with drunkenness even when he or she is not drinking alcohol.

Waterforme

You will probably start to notice a pretty dramatic increase in your workout performance now that you aren't drinking heavily. I know I did. Once I got in the zone with diet and exercise I realized it was an infinitely better feeling than any I had while drinking. If you stick to your goal of not drinking and leaning out for your birthday I'm guessing you will come to the same conclusion. Good luck!

Joe Nerv

As already stated, a dry drunk is generally defined as someone who doesn't drink any more, but is miserable. As already stated also, some people can put down a drink and their lives immediately get better. For others that's not quite the deal. For a lot of people the problem winds up being that they do put down the drink for a while (a few weeks, months, sometimes years), and then ineveitably wind up somehwere down the line drinking like they used to, and often times worse. There is medical evidence now that suggest that each time that happens it gets harder to stop.

The important thing for me is to be free of alcohol, happy, and not have any desire for it. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, it doesn't call out to me, I can easily be around people drinking without it being an issue, and my life is continually getting better. The way I drank and thought about alcohol though, that took considerable change. When I got sober there was no outside help available except AA, and today I'm grateful for that. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have ever become part of it because I without a doubt did NOT feel at home in AA. Took 6 months of around 5 meetings a week before I felt it might be where I belonged. AA was a bridge back to life for me, and my life has become incredibly full because of the things I learned there and the friends I made.

Not trying to sell AA, but just wanna put out that I wouldn't be too quick to write it off. Different meetings have very different vibes, and there are just as many types of AA people as there are, well... people. There are a few meetings I know of around my area that if all of of AA were like, there isn't a chance in the world I'd be a member. And there are others where I feel I fit right in.

Anyhow, if just putting down the 6 pack a night makes you're life better then this is a simple one for you and you can consider yourself lucky. If that's not the case there are lots of other means that have been suggested in this thread. Finding new ways to grow, even if someone isn't an alcoholic isn't such a bad thing, so ya might want to give one of the methods a go regardless. Best of luck.

fantail

Tell her what you said here: you're going to stop drinking till your birthday to see if you lose some weight and feel better.

And stick to it! I'm not a meeting person either and I'm happy with my life in general, so I can relate to your questions. I also relate to how you feel a few days in... So my only advice is to set a day count (maybe 90?) to not drink. Tell your wife and friends about it and stick to it. That'll give you a chance to experience sobriety for a while and figure out what you want to do. I'm just a bit over 90 myself and I feel like it's been enough time for me to actually compare my prior life to my sober life, as opposed to trying to pick between my reality of drinking and a hypothetical sobriety that I hadn't experienced.

melissa6381

Hey crossfit, I interpreted your post a little differently. I felt like sharing your schedule was a way for the devil on your shoulder to say "see I don't have a problem look how productive I am" and saying how easy and enjoyable has been for you to give it up echoes that same sentiment. But you came here so something inside of you is concerned. There's a term used here called AV- alcoholic voice. Whether you're an alcoholic or a problem drinker I dunno, but I think the AV in people can work in sneaky ways and convince you to drink so make sure to stay on your toes these first couple of weeks. Good luck!

Crossfitdad

Melissa, you may very well be right. Perhaps I am missing something in my drinking life that I forgot to put down. Perhaps it was a subconscious way of convincing myself that I'm not an alcoholic. We will have to see - nevertheless, it doesn't matter, I'm not drinking until late September.

I do find it funny about a lot that goes on with alcoholism. A lot of the folks here are extremely philosophical almost to the point of metaphysical. Here's the way I've seen:

1. An alcoholic will be miserable until he reaches recovery.
2. Recovery is not just stopping drinking...it's something more.
3. If you are miserable after you stop drinking, you very well may be an alcoholic.
4. But, your mind (AV), after stopping drinking, can trick you into being happy and satisfied so that you will ignore the misery signs of alcoholism post dryness.

Jeez. I'm really not sure I can keep up with all of it.

Thanks again guys.

foodie1

Welcome crossfitdad. In my early sobriety, trying to figure out if I was an alcoholic or a problem drinker or just why-did-I-have-wine-every-night!, some things that really helped me:

• Let go of the WHY.
• Listen. Really listen to what people in recovery say. I had to stop formulating opinions, summarizing and concluding. I had to start simply listening.
• Focus on today, right now, this moment.
• Stop putting everything in categories/boxes/permanent places in my mind, embrace the endless shades of gray

I hope you find this helpful too, wishing you the best.

Michael66

Hi Crossfitdad

I was a heavy drinker and a problem drinker. It became clear to me that total abstinence was the only real solution (I though I could go back to moderate drinking after a year's abstinence but my drinking climbed back up again, and it took several years to get back on the wagon). I was drinking every day (or almost every day) ranging from 4-5 pints of 5% beer daily in the week to 8 pints on weekend days.

I say that to give some context. I gave up without meetings. I read a lot and listened to AA talks (e.g. XA-Speakers - The lights are on!). I fully accepted that I would never drink again (and some months later I became truly happy with that decision, though I was pretty miserable for 3-4 months). I have found the AA Big Book useful and have worked through the steps using a priest as someone I could confide in as I brought my failings before God. I tend to be introverted so groups of people can cause stress for me rather than being an outlet for stress as they are for many people.

This forum has been really useful as well - both in terms of picking up tips (such as on "urge surfing" and for knowing there are other people like me around to talk to if I wish.

I certainly don't think of myself as a dry drunk - I wouldn't go back even to drinking moderately now - I am truly happy with sobriety. That change, for me, has occurred outside of AA or other groups, though I have huge respect for AA and enjoy the ability to listen to talks on the internet.

You may or may not find you can achieve a peaceful and happy sobriety outside of meetings, but I can promise you that some of have.

God bless +

ams0602

I don't understand the "dry drunk" thing either. This thread is making me question my own alcoholism... Because I took alcohol out of the situation and life is still good. But then again, it's only been 10 days. I'll wait and see... And continue not to drink. Whether a true alcoholic or not, it was making me less productive and quite unhealthy. That's enough for me.

As for your dealing with your wife, I'd say to just be honest. Just tell her that you recognized it as a habit that wasn't healthy and wanted to get on the right track which is what it seems like you're telling us. Since she doesn't really drink, I can't imagine why she would care. If you guys were drinking buddies, it would be a totally different ball game.

My boyfriend knows my past issues but not all the dirty details, so I know what you mean about being embarrassed - even when it's talking about recovery and making good decisions for your future - it's an acknowledgement that you did something "wrong" or "stupid". But we are all just humans and flawed.

Just tell her and I'm sure it will be fine :-)

Crossfitdad

Exactly. Especially the last part. I can't imagine it being healthy to drink almost every day.

I'm taking the advice of others on this thread and abstaining for at least 90 days. Then I will reevaluate.

As an aside, luckily the only withdrawals I'm seeing is actually sleeping through the night. It's wonderful to go to bed and wake up at 7:30 rather than wake up at 3:00 and have to fall back asleep.

I sincerely appreciate all of your insight.

ams0602

Always hated that not-sleeping-through-the-night thing. I know ppl that sleep off hangovers and I just can't. I get the heart racing and pounding hangovers. It's like trying to sleep through a mild panic attack.

deeker

"I have a three-fold disease: body, mind, and spirit."
The "mental obsession" is the part of our "illness" which leads to the first drink; and it's the first drink that triggers the "phenomenon of craving. My inability to stop at one.

But behind this the thing that triggers the mental obsession according to AA is The Spiritual Malady.

These name just a few of the symptoms of the "Spiritual Malady" that's described throughout our Big Book text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "Spiritual Malady."

being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

I believe a dry drunk is someone who got sober but did not address the other 2 folds of his illness by working the steps and doing a thorough moral inventory. Getting to the root of his problem. So he continues to be sober but miserable. And is trying to avoid a relapse by sheer willpower. It's uncomfortable.

When I have been sober before but stopped going to meetings and stopped working the steps and stopped doing a daily examination of myself. I was miserable, and when I am miserable, the mental obsession sets me up saying wouldn't a drink be nice, I'll just have one drink .

If the mental obsession wins, I pick up a drink and it is that first drink that sets off that insatiable physical craving that happens only in alcoholics and I can not stop.So it is important that I get to the root of my problem. When I do, my illness never takes me to the mental obsession anymore. Because I am no longer miserable, I have learned new coping skills to deal with all those symptoms and have rooted out the ones that are most troublesome. And that is what the steps are all about, so I am no longer miserable so then the obsession is lifted.

I drank to much because I am an alcoholic, I am not an alcoholic because I drank to much.

Zencat

For me a "dry drunk" still has some of the symptoms of active alcohol addiction, like; being irresponsible/unreliable, lying or omission of the truth, reckless behavior, denial of having problems that affect self and the family and so on.

I have witnessed raging drunks, that is people with decades of addiction history stop drinking on their own. They pick-up their lives and carry on in a healthy manner. I call that recovered.

For me, learning about addiction recovery and making positive lifestyle changes fascinated me. But just because one follows no single recovery philosophy indicates nothing really. No matter where a person is on the spectrum of addiction, people recover on there own all the time. So good job and keep up the good effort on cutting the alcohol out of your life.

melissa6381

My experiences have been different than the four points you outlined so Id like to add another point of view.

Firstly my relationship with alcohol was very different than yours. I was a daily binge drinker beginning in college, to outsiders I looked like a party girl but in my mid twenties my friends had an intervention and I stopped drinking daily. I cut back to a few nights a week and sometimes I'd be able to drink a bottle of wine at night and stop but usually would drink to the point of blacking out. Once I hit a certain BAC I loose control over my drinking and its dangerous. In October I was told I chugged 3/4 of a solo cup of tequila while already in a black out, a potentially lethal amount. There are lots of different types of drinkers out there- my dad still drinks a 18 pack every day and has never blacked out from drinking but I think we would both be considered alcoholics, everyone has a different story to tell.

So in response to your 4 points:

1. I do not consider myself fully recovered and I am happy. Drinking was making me miserable. I just had one of the best happiest days of my life on a trip to California, I've been sober for four months yet the compulsive thought to drink popped into my head all day long. When I see a glass of wine my pulse quickens, when it's sunny I crave margaritas. Not recovered but pushing through, happily.

2. This is true for me, recovery hasnt been just stopping drinking- it's restructuring my life with out alcohol. I'm learning to be the only sober person at a wedding, learning to deal with a bad day without escaping. I'm dealing with the psychology and emotions of all the bad things that happened while drinking and still I continued to drink. There is a lot more to overcoming this chapter of my life than simply not drinking. I am also grieving the good times which might sound weird, but on those occasions where I could control myself I loved drinking with my friends. Unfortunately moderation does not work for me, I tried that game and could never predict when I'd be able to stop myself or drink to black out.

3. I feel like you are looking for a definition of alcoholic... If it helps my definition of an alcoholic is not about how much or often someone drinks but what happens when they do and whether or not they continue to drink despite negative life consequences.

4. For me AV means alcoholic voice. My alcoholic voice says things to me like, "if you only drink wine you will be able to control yourself" or "you've haven't drank in so long, just drink at this wedding and then go right back to sobriety". These are addiction driven thoughts, some part of me convincing me to drink despite all the horrible things alcohol has done to me. That's what I call my AV. Aside from that I'm not sure in agree that my mind is tricking me into being happy.

Anyways sorry for hijacking your dry drunk question but I sense you're trying to figure out where you fit in all this. I'm sure some people would disagree with me but i feel if you don't understand the compulsion and its easy for you to cut back you might not be an "alcoholic" but could still have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol that needs attention. Whether or not your an alcoholic, heavy drinker, or whatever doesn't really matter. As a child of a dad who drank all the time there will be no negative side to more sober time with your family so I commend you for efforts to look at your drinking behaviors and make some healthier choices.
Best of luck to you! -Melissa

tootsl1

When I found SR and wanted to stop drinking, reading some of the posts, a lot of folk seemed much bigger drinkers or worse drunks than me. But for myself, my own criteria was, can I imagine life without alcohol. I couldn't. So I knew then, that was how I had to live. I have been without alcohol for 10 weeks now, nothing much else in my day to day life has changed, but I am going through great emotional change as the emotions which were suppressed by alcohol have come to the surface.
S am I a heavy drinker, binge drinker, dry drunk or in recovery??? Heck I am dry, I am happy and I am dealing, what does it matter, my life is better without booze.

ams0602

Thanks for pointing this out! It's a spectrum like everything else in this shades-of-grey world.

I never got a DUI or got hospitalized. I never drank all day, every day.

But in my mind, there is no denying that I was an active alcoholic for many years. Drinking a 6pk of 8% beer 4-6 nights a week is a lot, especially for the body of a woman. And working through sweats and shaking hands most days is also not the sign of a person w/ a healthy relationship with alcohol.

ru12

If alcohol is interfering with your life it is probably best to cut it out. If you find that you are miserable sober, then perhaps check out SMART or AA or some other program for problem drinkers.

I've been sober 2.5 years. I don't go to AA. I am happy with my life. I just wish I would have stopped drinking years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of suffering. I am grateful to be a non-drinker, not everyone gets a second chance at life.

Crossfitdad

Hey guys! Checking in..I've been on vacation, so I don't know what day I am on. I think it's Friday. So I guess that makes it five days. I'm feeling pretty good. No cravings and sleeping so much better.

Stay strong. I'll check in.

ams0602

Awesome! Good job and keep it up! Keep us updated :-)