ShawnM

So many wonderful things have happened in my life as a result of getting sober. But, with that being said, I have been struggling lately of thoughts about going back to drinking. Especially when I am bored or beating myself up mentally. I try to keep busy. I work a full time day job and work as a musician in the evening and weekends. I cycle 30 to 40 miles a week for exercise which helps also. It is just frustrating coming up on 4.5 years of sobriety and still miss it after all the years of hell I went through. I joined SR for a boost to my program which has helped. Any and all reply's appreciated.
Thanks
ShawnM
Sober Date 12-21-08

Olive1

In my first months of sobriety I would go to weekly AA meetings. I was alway mortified by the folks who were there that had 8+ years and then relapsed and were back at square one. I thought to myself, I can't believe you have gone through all this pain and work and have thrown it all away!
I now have almost 8 years and there are a lot of times when I think to myself it would be so nice to have a few drinks on a hot summer day, or a little nip at sunday brunch, or to just go the local bar and hang with the regulars.

I won't do it, but the thoughts are still there.

zjw

I can relate shawn. I'm coming up on 2 years. I run 30-40 miles a week. It helps keep my sanity its been very helpful. But when i have some bad moments I sometimes say Oh i'll go for a run and it'll all be better. Sometimes i have a rougher day and had run quite a bit or physically too tired to run more. and I think why do i have to run to feel better how much running do i need to do? how come stuff can still have a way of just eating at me?

Granted things are much better. I guess you long for the perfect little setup in life that probably wont happen and its a tricky balance to try and be content with how things are and play the deck of cards you've been handed.

Luckily i'm terrified to drink but yeah I have those thoughts. a month ago i poured a 5 gallon bucket of wine i had made back in my drinking days. You coulda gotten drunk off the smell in my kitchen. I thought all the fun i coulda had right down the drain!! I also thought all the friggen MISERY too!! Would all the fun i coulda had been worth the misery ? doubtful very very doubtful!

ShawnM

Thanks Ohta and zjw. So true! Those stories are so heartbreaking after long term sobriety to throw it all away. I drank the hard stuff plenty but my main choice was beer and with the hot summer days I have the same impulse to hit up the bar and crawl inside a bottle. As long as I don't have that first one I'm safe!!! Ones too many and twenty never would be enough.

ShawnM

Awesome you poured that poison down the drain!

MsJax

Hi Shawn. Maybe you are really missing something in your life? ( not booze ). I don't know. Back in 2006 I relapsed after 6.5 years of sobriety. I went on a 4.5 year bender & finally got sober 2 + years ago. I was feeling kind of like you are, I believe. I was very complacent & in my case extremely over worked and my personal life was very unfulfilling (with someone uncaring).

Is there something your should be adding or subtracting from your life? Once I got sober I had a lot to figure out this last time, including my life long issues of anxiety and depression episodes.

I really hope you remain sober. I know I don't have another relapse in me.

bryangt

It's those stories we hear in the rooms that remind us that we too are just a drink away from falling back to bad habits. I have a healthy fear of alcohol now that always reminds me of why I am here where I am at now. I have been thru hell the last 2 years in my sobriety...it's all because of the wreckage I caused in my drinking days. 26 months sober & still dealing with difficult life situations that were caused by my drinking. It is so hard to let of of the past when it affects us so much today.

ShawnM

My next relapse would be my last. I'd be all guns blazing getting loaded. Gotta keep centered and my sobriety priority #1. We have choices that will effect the rest of our lives. I have to do the next right thing one day at a time. I am not an aa basher but I am not into going to meetings and there were some situations and content that I wasn't down with so SR online is great. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

zjw

bryangt i can relate Still cleaning up my mess here as well. I'm getting there though sooner or later it'll be behind me.

Ultimately you can go pickup again or not its your choice. You know the route your life will take with what direction you choose. Its your choice think you can handle drinking knock yourself out. At the end of the day there will still be people to help you back up when and if you need.

Thing is you just dunno 1 drink could lead to a 10 year bender and all the fun that comes along with that. If your anything like liek the rest of us you couldnt say with 100% certainty that it would only be 1 or 5 or 10 etc...

I'd prefer not to roll the dice even tho i dont always like the other cards in my deck!!

GrampaTrick

I don't have bad days anymore thanks to the program, I have bad moments, but when i do i use the adage... You can start your day over anytime... Thank God for the program of AA... I Love My Life!

DesperadoBlond

Hi ShawnM!

Thanks for your post! I am going to pick up my 6 month chip today and your thoughts on bad days made me think.

I too have a lot of bad days. Mainly they are about me being in a bad mindset, beating myself up (as you mentioned), feeling useless, trapped...

Don't know about you, but for me it's a lot about a general lack of faith. I forget that:

-I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
-That my Higher Power will take care of me; I just need to accept (!!!) the direction I am being pointed in.

I sort of have an AA "ranting buddy", who I know is very tolerant of me when I get in this kind of mood (many people are not comfortable with so much negativity). This ranting buddy has told me to call her as often as I need, when I need to be "talked off the ledge". I'm sure your local AA has one of those too (if you are in AA).

If I have time, taking a 20-30 minute powernap usually also helps to "reboot" my brain.

If there's no time for any of that, I just try to put myself on auto pilot and do what needs to be done and then think about all that is wrong at a more convenient time.

GroundhogDay

I have a theory about the boredom factor. It means that you need to take a risk and grow.

Pushing my skiing abilities to the next level gives me a thrill. To a lessor extent, I also get a thrill from accomplishing something new, whether mastering a new recipe or learning a new programming language. Or even better, doing something completely new and outside my comfort zone. It is adventure therapy. Just be safe in the process (in my case, remaining in control while I ski so that I don't hurt myself or others around me.)

blueplanet

I am 38 and have never been able to put together a long stretch of sobriety. This is a big failing in my life. I'm not even sure how being alcoholic has affected my life. I have no idea what my life would be like if I had gotten sober or never drank. I have to admit, this thread makes me sad. Most of the threads here give me the impression that if you can make it through those first tough months, things will get a lot easier and come around. So to hear that after years and years of sobriety, I will still think about drinking and miss it very much makes me feel like it will always, always be hard. I am glad so many people are being so honest, and honesty is not always easy to hear.

aasharon90

I began my recovery journey back in
August 1990. 8-11-90 to be exact. It
was thru a family intervention that allowed
me to step my foot in a secured, safe place
away from the temptation of alcohol and
all those people, places and things that
were triggers to make me drink.

A 28 day inpatiant recovery program to
learn about my alcoholism with knowledge
and tools to take with me to begin my sobriety
journey living a day at a time without alcohol.

Once I got home it was up to me to continue
to apply what all I learned to my everyday life
and affairs. Because I went to any lengths to
get a drink, then I went to any lengths to stay
sober.

Sure I had ups and downs in early recovery. Sure
I cried, pouted, felt alone, discouraged, different,
yet, I wanted to stay sober no matter what. So,
I put on foot in front of the other, took one step
at a time building a strong foundation in recovery
to live upon each day I remained sober praying
and hoping that all that life would throw to me I
would and could stay sober.

As time went on slowly, I began to have glimmers
of hope that life in recovery is well worth it and is
so much of a blessing to be grateful for. The only
way to get me to where I am at today was to follow
thru with suggestions of other members who also
learned to stay sober each day for long periods of
time. And I did take to heart many of those suggestions
so that I wouldn't have to figure out anything I
didn't understand or know in life by myself.

It is extremely comforting to know that where I am
today, 22 yrs sober, that I didn't get here by myself.

And neither do you.

ShawnM

Thank you for sharing blueplanet. Please let me reiterate that MANY great things have happened in my life as a result from getting and staying sober. I have been able to realize and achieve many goals that would have been impossible if I stayed in the cups and it is these things that I have to focus on. Everyone, addict or not, has tough times . It just becomes normalcy for us to revert to old patterns and actions because that is how many of us have dealt with everything in our lives. Please know it is my sincere goal to express that drinking and using is NEVER a solution to anything and for me personally would only destroy everything I have worked so hard to build. The alcoholic self wants to forget all the bad and go back to what seems like the solution and my sober self has to be stronger and reach out for inspiration and guidance when the chips are down.
Best.
ShawnM
Sober date 12-21-08

gaffo

I still think about drinking after over a year of sobriety but it's not a curse anymore. I'm surrounded by drinking and smoking. I have to keep my tools sharp!

AcceptingChange

I hear people saying "I miss drinking after years of sobriety."
If you miss drinking, if you think it's going to be better the next time, that drinking is s going to solve a problem or eliminate uncertainty, anxiety or sadness, you're creating an illusion. Don't believe it.

This whole board is full of thousands of people describing the horrible impact drinking has had on their lives. But your addict voice is tricking you into thinking it's a pleasant, happy experience. You know it's not a happy, pleasant experience. It's just that when your mind creates the idea of drinking, your mind isn't including the awful consequences and painfilled next days that come with it. That's because you want an escape from today's reality. Well, don't be a dupe. You know that destination is just a trick.
Please don't make drinking sound like it's a nice next step, or a simple little tool to solve a life problem. It isn't.

DG0409

It was BORING as heck having to drink every night. And imagine how much worse you'd be beating yourself up mentally if you did have one. You'd feel awful!

Threshold

When I hit middle age a good number of things I enjoyed as a young person became no longer possible. I had to come to terms with that. I miss those things sometimes, and sometimes I am tempted to try them again, revisit them, but it's not viable. Some of it would be downright stupid or dangerous.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I had many years and good times when I did enjoy those things, be grateful for them and live in the now, honestly with the confidence that today has many things I can enjoy, and opportunities that weren't available to me then.

It's reality checks really.

Sometimes I need to stop, look around me and notice the things I have now, that I wouldn't and couldn't have if I went back to then.