SoberBradd26

One year of sobriety has been a battle to say the least I have come out of it stronger than I have ever imagined. Today I sit here after one year sober, feeling that I can drink again. I keep thinking that I want to try to drink maybe just one. I dont feel conflict or apprehension just keep reflecting on the last piece of my life that has had any type of weakness wanting to master it not making it a habit like I once did. Not sure why I feel like I'm ready my entire life up to this point having mastered any weakness the only thing I feel is left is alcohol in moderation again after one year of hell!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Bradd

I don't think drinking again would be any kind of test of strength.

That's not mastery, thats slavery.

I cannot drink, not if I want to escape the kind of life and the chaos I used to have.

Accepting that, and committing to it - cutting out something that was bad for me, and letting me grow and be the best person I can be...to me? Walking an individual path and knowing whats good for me and having the courage to stick to that even when others do not...thats real strength.

I think your heads trying to do a number on you.

D

fini

hi Bradd,

so now you've got me wondering what you're looking for here: help and support to NOT drink again or a "sure, go ahead..."

i'm not you, obviously, and have no idea if you could drink moderately. i know i couldn't. i have proven it to myself beyond any need for any more experiments.

but maybe you haven't.

i'm noticing that your post is full of references to will and strength and fighting-language.

hm.

in the end, i found my alcoholism wasn't something i could overpower. strength never did get me to any length of abstinence, though i spent three decades trying that .

i'm wondering about the year-long battle...if it's about wanting to drink very badly and fighting yourself NOT to, then why would you think you'd be in any position to "master" anything?
and if you could, do you think you'd be "happy" about having one drink once in a while....or is it really more about proving to yourself that you're in total control?

not trying to argue with you, just wondering.

KeyHeart

Replace "drink" with "shoot up." How ridiculous to imagine a heroin addict could try just having a little heroin. Alcohol is no different for us.
Don't try it. It's not worth the risk.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. This is your first post, so I'll go easy.

DON'T DRINK.

I'll expound if you want.

RDBplus3

I don't have any where near a year sober. But I have seen quite a few people with over a year pick up a white chip at meetings, or tell about when they did. The stories are never pretty. The worst ones are about the people that others know, and tell about jail, death, etc of people they know that did start back drinking after a year or so.

It sounds like maybe your addiction-corrupted programming has already convinced you it will be ok to get started back...it knows where it wants to get to...the same place it was when you decided to quit the insanity before. But maybe it wasn't that bad for you before. Those addiction corrupted circuits never go away, just like memories, and when they are reactivated....

Keep posting about how it is going. Your life is yours, and I am not passing any judgments, just saying how my addiction has affected me. Many people drink without bad consequences, I am just thankful it is not me playing Russian Roulette with the addiction that wreaked so much havoc in my life.

Caldus

I think that if anyone is sitting there obsessing over alcohol (whether it's about drinking or not drinking or maybe you could drink again, etc.), it's all the evidence you ever need to prove that alcohol has a lot of power over you. Normal people never sit around and think about the fact that they may be drinking too much or that maybe they could have one again, etc. Only alcoholics could get to that mode of thinking. This is a trap. Don't fall in to it. I have always found that my toughest moments in sobriety actually had to do with when I felt like everything was going great in my life and that maybe I'm OK to drink again. It's one of the most common traps that people in sobriety fall into.

sunrise1

I agree with the others here... by acknowledging that it has been a real battle for you to stay sober for a year it's clear that it's not something that's going to go away and you have suddenly conquered it and can now drink like a "normal" person.

raku

Caldus.....

Thank you for your post ! It is all about TOTAL RECOVERY. Which takes time and inludes many other things...like I want to get back to where I was..

Much love and Light !

Cindy
Cindy

instant

I think if the year has been Hell. I am not sure how "one drink" will change it.

From another perspective I could never see the point in "one drink". If normal is "one drink" I'd rather not bother at all- what's the point. Despite my pretences I drank to get drunk.

Johno1967

Ask yourself what will be different next time? It might go the way you want for a while but eventually the tide will turn and you will be at the "jumping off" point again. Many of us have been there and tried dozens of different ways to master alcohol, drink like normal people and regain control of our lives. It takes a few reminders to make us come to the realization that as an alcoholic there is no "safe" amount. We are powerless over alcohol. I honestly wish it were different. I'd love to drink and be able to "take it or leave it".
Let us know how you get on.

raku

Thank you for that quote ! " We are spiritual beings having a human experience"
Cindy

visch1

It’s interesting that after 12-15K AA meetings for over 30 years I never heard of anyone, IF they were able to get back, say things were better after picking up. Too many died, in prison, in mental hospitals or worse to me, in that miserable never never land of horror then suicide. Choking on your vomit is not a feature I’m interested in. BE WELL.

Justfor1

sober, I relate. I recently post about how I'm approaching the 1yr mark & I want to drink. I don't care that I am an alcoholic or that I have "a disease". I just want a temporary relief from the pain. If that makes me selfish then I accept it. If drinking leads to consequences then I accept it. All I want is a few hours of relief.

Thereunconfined

I, too, had this feeling after a year of sobriety. And now I am months away from any significant sober time, and struggling with a binge drinking cycle that has put me in a lot of dangerous situations and threatened to destroy all of my relationships. I'm not saying we all have the same experiences. However, from my own experience, I regret starting drinking again. It seemed and even perhaps was harmless at first, but I am not emotionally equipped to deal with alcohol. If you have been struggling this year, take some time and really think about it. Do you want to be back where you were a year ago? Do you want to be back there with no guarantees that there is an end in sight? It's hard to quit again. Good luck to you!

Mountainmanbob

fini

i'm really not understanding what seems like a jumping to the conclusion that the poster is an alcoholic, or an addict, or addicted to alcohol or....and will therefore inevitably go down the relapse road to ever-worse if he picks up a drink.

i find it tempting to assume that, too, , but then realize it's because that's what would happen to me.

and yeah, a one-year struggle to stay away from the stuff does speak about a strong relationship to/with alcohol, more so than a "normal" one, but butbut: surely i cannot presume from one post from a stranger to see how that would go for him?

hoping that you will tell us more of your thoughts, Bradd.

Joe Nerv

I am absolutely certain that I can drink one beer tonight if I chose to, and walk away unharmed.

I am equally certain that if I did that, that I would repeat it again somewhere down the line. Maybe next week, next year, a couple of days... I can't say for sure. But I would.

If I did that, it wouldn't take long to think "hey, I'm drinking alcohol... this is stupid. I might as well reap the benefits, and get drunk". And I would.

And I might be able to do that, and walk away without incident. If I did, guess what? I would start looking forward to doing it again, and I guarantee I would.

And the nightmare would have started all over again. With no guarantees that I would find my way back into recovery.

I can't lie to myself. I know me well enough. I stay away from that first drink. And I have a good life.

aasharon90

With 22yrs sobriety, do I think I can
drink one beer or one beautiful glass
or maybe one HUGE cup of dark red
wine? Let's see....Ive been living and
encorperating a recovery program of
steps and principles each day Ive been
sober and don't have a desire to drink
today. There's no alcohol in my home,
I don't go to clubs or bars where temptation
to drink would be extremely great, Im
honest in all my affairs, sooooo, why would
I want to throw my happiness, contentment
away?

I could you know and it would be easy.

But you know what, with drinking came all
sorts of crap. I enjoy living a simplier honest
life with out all the drama attached with drinking.

When I begin to get complacent in my thinking,
get laxed in my priorities, then it's time to go
back to the basics of what I learned in early
recovery and begin again.

Why throw away 22 yrs of sobriety when all
I need to do is listen to the many who think
they can or those who do go out and drink,
return back countless times to remind me
that alcohol is still alive and well and kicking
azz big time.

If alcohol hasn't changed in 22 yrs, then im
pretty sure it ain't ever gonna change.

Thereunconfined

@ fini

I didn't mean to judge the poster as an alcoholic, but I assume there is a reason that Bradd has come to a forum on alcoholism to discuss this. There is evidence that a lot of people can go back to normal drinking, and like I said we don't all have the same experience. I do hope Bradd posts more of what he's going through, his particular experience. I'm simply saying, from my experience, that losing my year of sobriety meant ending up binge drinking again and that sucks. I wish I had thought about beginning to drink more deeply and fully opened my eyes to the risks that drinking presented--to me, at least.