TheDrunkasaurus

Somehow my scumbag brain managed to rationalize to me that I didn't have a drinking problem, in spite of the fact that I've been drinking almost every day for over a year, with an increasing tollerance. It went from "Oh, I don't drink every day I'm fine." to "I can drink every day as long as I don't get blackout drunk" then to "Well other people drink more than me" then to "Well at least I don't drink heavily enough that I have health problems" and just a few days ago I found myself drinking myself through a hangover, basically ended up being drunk for two days straight, and it was a major wake up call when I sobered up, as I had missed quite a few commitments, and had quite a few angry voicemails, since I somehow drunkenly managed to convince myself to skip work without calling in at all... Now I've been trying to stop drinking but the shakes and the crippling anxiety are getting to be ridiculous, I haven't been able to go more than one day/one night sober, before I pat myself on the back for a job well done and decide to drink again, then I wake up the next morning hating myself, and I've started feeling so self conscious and anxious, I'm procrastinating about everything, all I can do is feel like **** and watch tv. I just don't know what to do and I hate that I got myself to this place, especially when my dad was such an alcoholic that he left my mother the week I was born and never came back, I swore I would never touch alcohol, and now this is where I am.

neferkamichael

TheDrunkasaurus, you post here, that was a step in the right direction. Don't give up, just don't take a life time like it did me. Rootin for ya.

Dee74

good to see you again

Maybe you need a little more support Drunkasaurus?

I found it much harder to convince myself I didn't have a problem when I was actively working on staying sober.

D

JillyJill74

My dad too is an alcoholic, but no one in the family would ever say that.....he's a "drinker". So, when I found myself with a love for alcohol, I always thought, it's ok, my dad drinks. For me it was the opposite, instead of steering away from it, I ran head on into it. I thought its ok, my dad drinks, this is what is normal. It's normal to drink a few every day til a few turned now into 12 to 14 beers. I truly believe it's hereditary and part observation. I grew up going to happy hours at the local club for Two for one Burger Tuesdays while everyone around me drank. It's the norm in my family cause of my dad. I guess my point is that we need to understand that if alcohol is causing a problem, it isn't ok for us whether its in our genes or whatever. It's hard to think that I have to realize that I can't drink. Period. It's going to be hard. But It's part habit too, so as easy as it is for us to get drunk and have regrets, it will be the same not drinking and not having regrets.

bemyself

Hi there, I do so relate to your anxiety and so forth....it can indeed make it extra hard to stay sober for more than a day (if that even) when we're in the thick of it. I get that, being in the thick of yet another relapse period.

So I don't pretend to have any answers on 'how' to get through that state of being.

the only thing I would say is: try to drop altogether those nasty words about yourself - scumbag brain, hate yourself, and so on. We've all done it, sure...but calling ourselves terrible things, and telling ourselves how terrible we are, sure does NOT help us to inch forward. If you have to in fact 'inch' forward, so be it. But drop the self-hate, try to just let it go.

At least you're here, and others will be along to show they care too. (I have to get back to my short-lived bouts of vacuuming and cleaning - in themselves, a kind of small scale self-care).

gwenny

Hoooo boy does all of this sound familiar. I think the first few times we drink through a hangover can be a major wake-up call...that's the bridge from serious abuse to real physical dependence, IMHO, and there's no going back. I can also totally relate to the rationalizing about "well it's not as bad as...", with the ultimate comparison being my father who I watched go through rehab multiple times and eventually fully relapse and just disappear from the realm of normal life and slide into homelessness and complete dependence. I, too, swore I'd never touch the stuff because of all that.

FWIW, I have found every time I have quit after things started getting to the point where it sounds like you are now, I get right back to the all-day drunk faster and faster, and the harder it is to quit and the worse the withdrawal. Just my experience, but for me it's all too clear where things will ultimately lead.

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself. We can do this.

Elisabeth888

Try not to talk to yourself that way! I do the same thing and my therapist corrects me. Be kind to yourself. You can start over. It is okay.

2granddaughters

My life kept getting worse too until I surrendered and joined AA.

All the best.

Bob R

bigsombrero

I have been there Dsaurus, my path was almost identical. I also isolated and spent a lot of time solo in my apartment, where I live alone. I was going in circles without getting anything done, and the spiral continued. My problems eventually led to withdrawl seizures, hospitalization, and treatment. I never in a million years thought I'd end up there.

So you're here - nice work and welcome! Now, is there a plan to quit? This place is a good place to start, and it seems like you are ready to fight this battle. That will require action. Any thoughts on how to put this monster to bed?