Friends, Double Edge Sword
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 26
Friends, Double Edge Sword
Hello,
Just a thought here. I have two "friends" that I could call and go shopping with, etc....but they both are married with children so it's often difficult, but they do call to ask me to do things and I most always back out cause I feel i dont fit in with girls. I feel sorry for myself a lot because I don't have many friends. I mean, most girls have a lot of friends from high school, college, work. I see the pictures all the time on FB. I do appreciate that I have the two that I do, but these aren't let's get together once a week or have bbqs at each others homes type of friends. Then, I think, if I had friends, would I really socialize? Cause I feel so unsociable and awkward all the time. Hence, a big reason I drink....Low self esteem. Idk. I just wonder if anyone else ever felt this way.
Just a thought here. I have two "friends" that I could call and go shopping with, etc....but they both are married with children so it's often difficult, but they do call to ask me to do things and I most always back out cause I feel i dont fit in with girls. I feel sorry for myself a lot because I don't have many friends. I mean, most girls have a lot of friends from high school, college, work. I see the pictures all the time on FB. I do appreciate that I have the two that I do, but these aren't let's get together once a week or have bbqs at each others homes type of friends. Then, I think, if I had friends, would I really socialize? Cause I feel so unsociable and awkward all the time. Hence, a big reason I drink....Low self esteem. Idk. I just wonder if anyone else ever felt this way.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
just to say that you really don't get the truth on facebook. everyone there makes themselves look good and popular and their life sound okay.
you'd likely have no idea of the behind-the-scenes struggles of the happy-go-lucky facebook facades.
you'd likely have no idea of the behind-the-scenes struggles of the happy-go-lucky facebook facades.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 128
Hi Jill,
I can relate to you. I'm 24 years old with a boyfriend but absolutely zero friends (male or female) besides him! I haven't had a true friend since I was 13. I know what its like to be friendless and its hard. I think if you push yourself to socialize with different people and through the feelings of awkwardness you'll eventually find someone you connect with. (I should follow my own advice). I've had chances of making friends but have shut people out because of feeling anxious/low self esteem as well. I hope to be more open in the future. Good luck to you!
I can relate to you. I'm 24 years old with a boyfriend but absolutely zero friends (male or female) besides him! I haven't had a true friend since I was 13. I know what its like to be friendless and its hard. I think if you push yourself to socialize with different people and through the feelings of awkwardness you'll eventually find someone you connect with. (I should follow my own advice). I've had chances of making friends but have shut people out because of feeling anxious/low self esteem as well. I hope to be more open in the future. Good luck to you!
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Good friendships take time and energy. I've been single for a couple of years now and my family lives far away, so most of my emotional support comes from my friends. It took me months when I first moved here to build up my social group, and I still maintain it. Sometimes I'll be introverted for a couple of weeks, but when that passes I make sure to touch base with people I haven't seen for a while and make plans with a wide variety of folks.
I've done this a million times because I've moved a lot. It can be really hard at first but it's really a snow ball effect... once you have met a few people you'll start meeting more, and more easily. You just need to put yourself out there... reach out to people you'd like to know better, invite them to events or other fun things to do. I'm naturally shy and awkward with new people so I don't say this thinking it's easy... it's hard. But it's definitely possible and in fact I find it even easier sober, surprisingly.
But it depends! Do you want friends, or do you just feel like you should want them? If you just think you should, then don't worry about it, do what makes you happy. If you do though, I think the first thing to do is stop saying no when your friends ask to spend time with you.
I've done this a million times because I've moved a lot. It can be really hard at first but it's really a snow ball effect... once you have met a few people you'll start meeting more, and more easily. You just need to put yourself out there... reach out to people you'd like to know better, invite them to events or other fun things to do. I'm naturally shy and awkward with new people so I don't say this thinking it's easy... it's hard. But it's definitely possible and in fact I find it even easier sober, surprisingly.
But it depends! Do you want friends, or do you just feel like you should want them? If you just think you should, then don't worry about it, do what makes you happy. If you do though, I think the first thing to do is stop saying no when your friends ask to spend time with you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Getting to where I want to be
Posts: 502
Originally Posted by fini 
just to say that you really don't get the truth on facebook. everyone there makes themselves look good and popular and their life sound okay.
you'd likely have no idea of the behind-the-scenes struggles of the happy-go-lucky facebook facades.
you'd likely have no idea of the behind-the-scenes struggles of the happy-go-lucky facebook facades.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Facebook is just a 'highlight' reel of the best moments. Kinda like when you see a movie trailer with all the funniest bits, but the rest of the movie sucks. I would only post things on facebook when I was drunk at home, miserable and lonely but trying to create a facade of success and happiness to match everyone else's facade. I have a friend who's wife is dying of cancer, but you would never know by his FB photos of BBQ's and his kids having fun.
I think comparing yourself to others is always counter-productive. You never know what others are going through...
I think comparing yourself to others is always counter-productive. You never know what others are going through...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Hence, a big reason I drink....Low self esteem. Idk. I just wonder if anyone else ever felt this way.
Drinking only lowers our self esteem more cuz we then carry around more shame and fear, we keep piling on more shameful moments to our story. U wanna quit drinking?
Sobriety brings on self esteem and self worth.
Drinking only lowers our self esteem more cuz we then carry around more shame and fear, we keep piling on more shameful moments to our story. U wanna quit drinking?
Sobriety brings on self esteem and self worth.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I have watched my definition of "friend" change in sobriety. Before I quit drinking I thought anyone that I partied with or had fun with was a friend. In sobriety I have learned that those people were just acquaintances. Just people passing through my life but not people who genuinely cared about me or my life. They were not people who became concerned when I did not show up at the bar or was not able to go to a party with them. They were not people who when I had a problem and needed help would be there to stand by me and help me find a solution. The only solutions they had were "let's go get drunk" or "hey, give me a call when you get it worked out." They were people whom I knew that it was not safe to talk about what was really going on in my life because they would either gossip about me, leave me, or just not care.
Facebook is full of acquaintances. It you look at people's "friends" count you will often see people with hundreds of "friends." It helps to reinforce the misconception that acquaintances are the same thing as a friend.
Today I although I still have a lot of acquaintances in my life I actually have friends as well. People who would actually give me the shirt off their back then pick me up and carry me to shelter if needed. It only takes one hand to count them but that is enough because I know I can trust them with anything and they love me despite myself sometimes. They are the first at my door when I have a problem. They can just look at my face or hear my voice and know something is wrong. I feel the same way about them. It has taken some time to build these relationships and the trust up but it has been well worth it.
Please don't judge your life by someone's facebook page or "friends" count. Instead work on developing a true friend. The best way to do that is to be a friend. Reach out, pick up the phone, make time, plan one on one get togethers, ask what is going on in their life and show a true interest in it when they talk. When they do talk about a problem offer them support even if all the support you are able to give is a shoulder to cry on. It takes time to build the trust of a true friendship but it is worth the work. The more that you work on these types of relationships the more you will find your confidence/esteem growing. Ironically, it seems the more we do for others the more our self esteem/confidence grows.
I learned to be a friend in AA through my sponsor/sponsee relationship. I don't know what method or program you are using to work on sobriety but if you are in AA and have not found a sponsor yet please get one. You can learn a lot from them.
Facebook is full of acquaintances. It you look at people's "friends" count you will often see people with hundreds of "friends." It helps to reinforce the misconception that acquaintances are the same thing as a friend.
Today I although I still have a lot of acquaintances in my life I actually have friends as well. People who would actually give me the shirt off their back then pick me up and carry me to shelter if needed. It only takes one hand to count them but that is enough because I know I can trust them with anything and they love me despite myself sometimes. They are the first at my door when I have a problem. They can just look at my face or hear my voice and know something is wrong. I feel the same way about them. It has taken some time to build these relationships and the trust up but it has been well worth it.
Please don't judge your life by someone's facebook page or "friends" count. Instead work on developing a true friend. The best way to do that is to be a friend. Reach out, pick up the phone, make time, plan one on one get togethers, ask what is going on in their life and show a true interest in it when they talk. When they do talk about a problem offer them support even if all the support you are able to give is a shoulder to cry on. It takes time to build the trust of a true friendship but it is worth the work. The more that you work on these types of relationships the more you will find your confidence/esteem growing. Ironically, it seems the more we do for others the more our self esteem/confidence grows.
I learned to be a friend in AA through my sponsor/sponsee relationship. I don't know what method or program you are using to work on sobriety but if you are in AA and have not found a sponsor yet please get one. You can learn a lot from them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 26
I actually think that watching other people's lives through Facebook everyday has helped me to become more depressed and out of control with my drinking. It's just all the pictures of nights out with friends or the loving couple pictures, makes me so jealous and I get down about myself. So, I deactivated today and taking an indefinite break from ruining my life by watching others. I need to live my own life.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
I finally got so sick of Facebook a week ago that I deactivated my account, with no wish to sign back up. Sorry, being "liked" by people I don't know really started pissing me off! This is a different online experience here, and one that's more meaningful and way less intrusive, and possibly helpful for many of us!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 26
I agree. I would get so upset if people didn't like my statuses or pictures. Lol so silly once you think about it. It's like competing for approval like in high school. I am staying off of there for a long time. My family can use the old fashioned email or telephone to see how I am. Lol they are who matters anyway.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 22
You will notice how little it means JJ 
I used to get asked what my fb was blahblah when out partying etc and I never actually had one.....im too busy with the future to chat about the past.........was my usual line.
Then yeah i caved in and made one (well, my mate kept harassing me to let her make me one) and it was all good.....100's of mates (yawwwwwnnnnnn) posting/liking etc etc and it kinda made me feel i had to do the same......so i just don't log on......used to be once or twice a month but not even that now.
Ppl still tag me in stuff i/we are doing so ppl clearly see i am busy and not interested.
FB/Twitter on my smartphone ? Noooooooo !!!!!
I used to get asked what my fb was blahblah when out partying etc and I never actually had one.....im too busy with the future to chat about the past.........was my usual line.
Then yeah i caved in and made one (well, my mate kept harassing me to let her make me one) and it was all good.....100's of mates (yawwwwwnnnnnn) posting/liking etc etc and it kinda made me feel i had to do the same......so i just don't log on......used to be once or twice a month but not even that now.
Ppl still tag me in stuff i/we are doing so ppl clearly see i am busy and not interested.
FB/Twitter on my smartphone ? Noooooooo !!!!!
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