NobleCause

about a fifth into the night last night, i sat down in some anonymous hotel bar in some godforsaken town, downing even more scotch and telling my life story to the near stranger perched next to me, his face glazed with what was either rapt attention or blackout drunkenness. and as the words, some of them correct, fell louder and louder from my face, i was suddenly overcome by a glaring, undeniable, and bizarrely lucid thought - 'holy sh*t, you are better than this.' i went for a little while longer til the night was done, but i knew then that the jig was up, that there was no reason to feed this huge appetite any longer, that when that much booze is again not enough to suspend disbelief even for just a night, then it's time to give living another shot or get on with the alternative. as i packed up to head home this morning, my companion gestured to the empty bottle on the nightstand and said, 'i'm impressed - you killed that whole thing.' i smiled weakly and thought, 'other way around man, other way around.'

thus ends my last exercise in functional drinking. it takes what it takes to find the willingness, but i am here now, and so tomorrow begins anew: clean, fresh, sober. can't wait to never drink again. (and yes, i plan to do things a bit differently this time.)

hope22

Welcome Back NobleCause, you can do this

Dee74

Wouldn't it be awesome if that was it NC?

best wishes - and keep posting

D

Hevyn

So happy to see you, NobleCause. You learned something valuable and you are ready to do this now! You never have to go back to that miserable place.

soberlicious

You're so right. You are better than that. So glad you're back. xo

awuh1

All the best to you NC

BackToSquareOne

You know NC, I'll guarantee you that if you stayed away from everything for a few years and let that incredible person that is you retake full control you'd scoff at the notion of ever wanting to go back there. Find your path with heart and never look back. Awesome to see you here again!

Dave H

Good luck.

Sudz No More

Ahh yes, that dark ominous void we climb into following alcohol's path. Been there too many times to count. You are not alone and I'm glad you are here.

let's enjoy another sober night together shall we?

paul99

Glad you're here. You are worthy of being who you were meant to be. We all are. Stick around

NobleCause

thanks for the supportive words. tomorrow's day one, today was a mellow tapering day largely spent prepping and recovering and trying to forget the sketchier fragments of the past few days. looking forward to leaving the lies and the creepy dudes and the aches and the shakes and the indignities behind. looking forward to self respect, to feeling good, and to being good, again. looking forward to getting off this ride, once and for all.

NewBeginning010

Quoted NC... for you, me & everyone on SR. We are all here with you my friend. Take Care, you can do this ;-)

Veritas1

I can identify with drinking that much and then having that moment of clarity when I fully realize I cannot keep drinking.

My bottom this past time was 46 days ago after a 1.75 bottle of vodka over 3 days.

Sickening.

That I could drink like that.

I never drank lightly anyway.

All or nothing basically.

Welcome back NC.

There are people here that pointed me to the way out. I also have an awesome library of AA speakers to guide me that I listened to daily. I followed my big book, and came here to SR daily. I got down on my knees and prayed daily.

How did I go from an extended drinking binge that I guess was about 5 weeks, to not having one drink the last 46 days?

I heard an ex-sponsor in my thoughts the morning after I had really tried to have the day before be my day one, and caved in to the terrible anxiety that physical withdrawal caused after the 3 day vodka binge.

I heard the voice, as I laid there thinking, I'll never make it. I've ruined my life. etc...

After just the day before waking up to vomiting from my stomach not being happy with me and the vodka and oj experiment that seemed like such a good idea just three days earlier.

I heard...

You never have to take another drink.

I am not new. I "know" the way.

Will I submit?

Will I practice what has worked for others like me?

Somehow, I made the decision that day to try again, and so far, it is working.

Each recovery starts with one desperate day.

One moment of clarity.

One glimmer of hope.

And hopefully, someone has been kind enough to show us the way, or point us in the right direction.

I hope you find your way, whichever your path may be.

instant

Welcome back NC great to see you

TrixMixer

NobleCause,

Well said---especially the "Indignities!" We all deserve better better than the suffering alcohol brings us.

Here's hoping this is the awakening you need to stop for good.

Good Luck, NC
TrixMixer

ReadyAndAble

What a beautiful new day it is—you deserve it.

fini

Noble Cause,
your posts were the first ones i read when i came here last year,lurking, and you won't be surprised when i say that they sounded pretty much exactly like yours today.
the desperation, the realization that this needs to change, and the setting out to do so.
it's good to see you start again, and even better to hear you'll be doing things a bit differently this time.
doing things differently from all my gazillion previous tries has served me well, and best wishes to you to find what works for you.

SSIL75

NC you are sn excellent writer. I'm glad you're giving it another go.

NobleCause

that's true, tho i'm not sure of the importance of that other than it illustrating the fact that i've had some serious issues, with using and with quitting, for quite some time. i've dealt with a lot in my life in the past few years and i don't prefer to be struggling with this still, but it is what it is. today i'm sober. i'm a little worn down and there's cleanup left to do, but freedom is in the air and i've got more hope than i deserve.

not sure that i could live with myself if i didn't at least try (again).

BackToSquareOne

I hope you only find calm seas and smooth sailing going forward NC. Be kind to yourself and try to close the book on the bad stuff from the past. Try to fill the next chapters with only happiness and joy. When the bad days come to call as they will try to be ok with all of that to. Again, all my best wishes for a peaceful journey.