trailrunrbyday

I am 2 glorious weeks sober. I have a very broad but close group of friends - I am very social and I although I suspect a *couple* of my close friends may think I go a little too far with the drinks on occasion I honestly think it will be a shock to a good bunch of them to know the truth - that I am an alcoholic. Maybe it will maybe it won't for some and honestly that is neither here nor there.

We went to a large social dance/dinner/event on the 1 week anniversary of my sobriety - no problem at all and honestly I just sipped a couple of virgin ceasars and then some sparkling water and juice - nobody noticed at all and we had to leave early due to husband having to work very early the next morning.

We had friends over last night - I had a couple of sparkly water juice drinks which look a lot like what i would normally sip and I did not raise suspicion.

I would like to tell my good friends that I am an alcoholic and that I am not drinking any longer. Partially to avoid some of the awkward conversations that might come up but also partially because...well, I am and I don't feel I need to hide it. I just don't quite know how to come out so to speak. I don't want to take the chance of getting to tell a couple and then it becoming an awkward secret or a question among my friends as to who *knows about Kim*.

I was thinking of just making a point of going for coffee with each of my closest girlfriends and then broaching the subject if/when need be beyond that OR just having a bit of a party and having everyone over to my coming out soiree..

thoughts?
How did you/when did you.... this is my reality and i'd rather it just be than be a secret.
???
Kim

Dee74

Hi Kim

think about it a lot cos this is one of those things where you will never get the genie back in the bottle once it's out.

I told everyone - it felt like a relief to do so and I really wasn't telling anyone anything they didn't really know - I was 'that guy' in the the neighbourhood.

Now, tho, I think I might approach it differently - no one needs to know my business.

In the end, it's your call, but do think carefully about the repercussions - there's not just personal ones, there's social and maybe even professional ones too.

You can say 'no thanks I'm not drinking' without ever uttering the A word.
I know cos I do it all the time

D

TheEnd

From your post, it looks like you aren't quite comfortable with the idea of not drinking. In order to stick with this decsion you have to get comfortable with the idea. This means being able to stand in the room, have soda, and not worry about what other people are going to say to you. From the looks of it, it seems like you want to give the apperance that you are still drinking. This really doesn't go with your new identity of being a non drinker. Here is one easy way to broach the topic without making a big deal out of it. The next time you are at a social event, get a soda and start drinking it. When someone asks why you are not drinking, tell them that you quit drinking. If there are any questions, then you can go into the reasoning or simply say you did it to improve your life....

paul99

If you don't want this to be a big deal...then don't make a big deal out of it.

trailrunrbyday

Paul I actually don't mind it being a big deal at all - I'm quite excited about how different things will be for me

I am not at all trying to give the appearance of drinking TE and I am very comfortable with not *drinking* as far as alcohol goes - I chose the beverages I wanted however, we live in a very very small town and I would rather have the words come from my mouth than from the whispers of rumour and speculation. Our friends are used to me never turning down a drink and I would really just rather be honest with them than act like this is anything other than it is.

I also think honesty is the best policy from a professional stance as well. One of my clients goes to AA with me and a very well respected person in our community is my sponsor and it is well known that she is a recovering alcoholic many years sober. She took control of her story and I guess I was thinking that I respect that strength and honesty.

LexieCat

Why not discuss it with your sponsor, then?

kizzie

There is something to be said for taking control of one's story. Coming from a small town myself, I understand that desire. That said, you will not be able to control who decides to gossip about or judge you, no matter what you say or don't say. Tell the people you feel like telling and leave the chatterers to do what they will do. You can use the A word or just say that you'd come to look forward to your evening wine (or beer or whatever) a little more than you're comfortable with, so you decided to give it up.

paul99

I know that when I first got sober and in AA, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I had to bite my tongue to stop spilling my joy to the person sitting next to me on the subway. And I came close to. But a few people told me to just sit with it for a bit, to chill a bit, as I won't be able to change my mind later. And they were right...after a little bit of time, I was quite glad that I didn't spill it all...it's something that is monumentally important to me, and yet I keep it close to my chest. It's not anyone's business but my own, and most people don't really care.

Now, that's just me. I can understand being in a very small town and wanting it to be you spreading the good word. You mention your sponsor being in great standing in the community and everyone knows about her recovery. How did she spread the word? Did she do it in a way that perhaps you can do it as well? What does she think of this?

It's your call - the coffee thing is good, and you know your friends, so if it's that important to you, go ahead. I told people that I made amends to, and they were quite supportive.

However way you choose to do or not do this, I wish you the best!

trailrunrbyday

I did this evening and we are going to meet for lunch and finish the gut busting we started talking about it today. She said she had a ball with it - that most of her friends where gobsmacked and taken by complete surprise - she has a fantastic sense of humour and often says (in response to some question of wonder I have posed)..."well Kim you're an ALCOHOLIC!!!! LOL"

She started me thinking on it actually as I relayed how I felt like I was keeping a secret from my friends - these are friends we camp with, go on holidays with, ski with, run and bike with ...and drink with....we spend a way too much time with them and have consumed way too much wine together to just say "I'm not drinking anymore" and not expand lol.

trailrunrbyday

Thanks guys!!!!! I love this place.

Grymt

If offered booze I say no thanks. If I feel that that may be taken as a rejection I say no thanks I don't drink alcohol and as this often causes someone to wonder I say I'm an alcoholic. If they have problems with that (I don't) I might mention it's like an allergic reaction that's no good for me. People seldom push beyond that point. Some might express concern and wonder if it bothers me that others drink, I say no.

Once, early in the morning, I got pulled over for a random breath test. I told the cop I don't drink because I'm an alcoholic. He did a bit of a double take, put away the tester thing and said something like "Ah, ok, have a good night sir" I said "You too, mate" and drove on.

TheEnd

But that's all it really is, you are not drinking anymore. You know you're not the first person to quit drinking. But do what you feel you need to do.

CrossFox

trailrunr, I too live in a small town. I'll state this in "I" language, which is new for me so it might come out sounding like a riddle.

Me, I've made peace with the idea that there are no guarantees that what I say in various meetings won't make the gossip rounds. I came across an online thread (not this site) where truly anonymous AA attendees were "outing" the secrets of the famous Hollywood AA members that they claimed to attend with, ugh. So, not everyone who attends support groups wants to get well or values the privacy of others.

You can't put the toothpaste back in the bottle as they say. My experience with mentioning my decision to stop drinking alcohol was met with enthusiasm from co-dependent non-drinkers and feigned support from drinking drinkers. I don't care who knows, so that doesn't bother me.

I want to watch out for my own resentments toward people (many of them heavy drinkers) who would then patronize me.

FeelingGreat

I preferred to tell friends that I'd stopped drinking. When and if they asked I said 'it was becoming a habit' and 'I was getting to like it too much'. People in SR know that alcoholics come in many forms, from high functioning, people who catch it early, to those who die from it's effects. The uneducated public might only relate it to people living under bridges. So be careful what you put out there.

LexieCat

Basically, my policy is that it is on a "need to know" basis. I have a couple of very close friends with whom I would let most gnarly stuff out. As for pretty much everybody else, unless there is a GOOD reason for sharing the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery, I don't. It's sort of like sharing other very personal information, like medical information. Why would you?

I do share pretty freely the fact that I don't drink. When someone asks me why not, I usually say, "I decided it wasn't good for me."

However much your friends may want to be supportive, the fact remains that to a lot of people, the word "alcoholic" conjures up skid-row images, and they either figure you're being overly dramatic about it, or start to worry about you. Yuck.

I don't worry particularly about someone "finding out" that I am in AA or an alcoholic, but I don't make it a point of telling them, either. It just is TMI in most cases, I think.