Coconut61

Hello Everyone,

I am still unable to quit drinking. Not sure why...i don't know if it is the withdrawal that i can't seem to handle or if I can't face the emotions that come when I stop. I am an emotional person who is at a point of transition in my life right now. There are a lot of problems in my life that I use alcohol to escape...financial problems, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, identity issues, the list goes on.

This may seem like a rhetorical question...but did alcohol cause these problems? I think ten years of abuse may have changed my personality so much that my life is worse than it needs to be. I am now so anxious, depressed, needy, unmotivated, seemingly careless of other people's feelings, flaky and unreliable, and selfish. I never used to be like this; I am unrecognizable to myself and so unhappy.

Did anyone notice this in the later phases of alcoholism? Did you get your "old self" back when you stopped? I need some hope. Thank you for reading this rambling message.

Coco

zeroptzero

I absolutely believe (and in fact know from experience) that alcohol can cause or majorly contribute to each of those items on your lists. Towards the end of my drinking I was depressed and anxious. I was convinced it was because of the circumstances of my life - now I know that it was mostly due to alcohol consumption.
In reflecting on my drinking (as I have done a lot in recovery) I realize how incredibly selfish my drinking really was.
I believe wholeheartedly that you can get your "old self" back - better yet (since it was your old self that got you into this mess) you can create a whole new life. I know you can do it - push through the beginning, one day at a time. It gets better, it really does.

LDT

Hi Coco. ... In answer to your question.....Yes, my character changed completely when I was drinking. By the end, I didn't know who I was any more. Out of all the things I became when I drank, the very worst thing for me was I became a liar. Even typing that word causes me much distress..... Because the me IN me, the real me....is not a liar.

Please have hope that becoming sober is becoming the very best version of yourself. I quit drinking. And yes, it was hard. But it was so worth it because I found my smile and my soul again.

Be Well!

Coconut61

LDT, if you don't mind my asking....what kinds of things were you lying about? I've found myself lying a lot lately to cover up my drinking. It really alienates a lot of people and i constantly feel terrible about myself.

I KNOW I am not a liar or a manipulative person, but I've acted that way during the past few years while drinking heavily and daily.

LDT

I don't mind you asking Coco.... I lied about what, when, and how much I drank. I lied about why I was going to the store. I also lied about eating because by the end, it was becoming pretty obvious that I had stopped. I was so weak and thin I couldn't bend down to feed my cat, or stand up to take a shower. ( I blamed that all on my " chronic insomnia", which of course was such a load.....) I lied to the people that love me the most....my husband and children. And it was personally devastating.....But By the grace of God, and a lot of work, we are now a very close and happy family these days.

jazzfish

I would find myself lying just out of habit! I didn't even need to tell a lie and I would. My personality definitely changed. I think the negative aspects became accentuated and the good aspects became buried. I completely lost myself and felt completely adrift. I became anxious and stressed. I would blame others for my problems, or worse simply torture them because bad things were happening to me (which were really caused by my drinking). I was completely unable to make decisions or discern what things were important or not. I became an incessant complainer, nothing was ever good enough. Many parts of my old self are coming back fairly quickly, while others will take some time and still others are permanently changed because that happens in life. Luckily, the worst things go the fastest for me (telling lies, blaming others, complaining...).

I am learning to simply accept myself as is, do some self analysis, and work on things one day at a time.

Sasha4

I believe that when I was drinking I was

Depressed
Anxious
Lazy
Irritable
Lying
Avoiding responsibilities
A bad partner
A bad daughter
A bad employee
Resentful of everything and everyone
Secretive.
Tried to prove I was something I was not.
Huge worrier.
Put up with being let down by others.
Always guilt ridden.

Now I have stopped drinking I find that I am

More motivated
Much less anxious
Less accepting of other people bad behaviour.
Not as depressed.
More productive in my job.
Have better relationships with friends and family.
Less irritable because I am not hungover all the time.
More confident in all area's of my life - I am more confident in what I believe, more confident in my abilities be that in my career, everyday activities, my health.
I have less to worry about - I know my liver is okay, I know I have not upset anyone, I know I am not over the limit when I am driving the next day, I know people cannot be gossiping about my drinking and anything I did.

Its a lot more peaceful way to live your life.
If you can gather together some sober time, I am sure you will feel some of the benefits I have!

Dee74

Hi Coconut

I was an incredibly emotional sensitive person too - new reports made me cry for a week, little things stung me for days, new experiences terrified me...

The solution...naturally...was drink.

I think a lot of us have fears - about withdrawal, about sobriety, about feeling feelings, about life with 'no net'.

I can guarantee that the fear of facing these things is worse than the reality tho.

Sure, it's not easy, but it's not easy living our drinking lives either.

The thing is, if you continue drinking you'll find a life you really will be terrified of...scared to drink and scared not to drink.

Alcohol does change us..even if it's only to increase our dependence on it.

You're way better off doing something now than later & dealing with this now.

Believe in yourself - give it a go
you're way stronger than you think, and you're not alone here

D

nel68

I definitely lied about how much I drank to people or kept it a "secret"....(avoidance of people if I could)...I watched the clock alot for that time to drink....My personality never changed when I drank like I never blacked out or got mean.....My husband or other people would say 'you didn't act drunk' And I would be really drunk!... I just felt so happy when I drank, not that I'm not a happy person but alcohol just made me feel extra happy which is bad really cause I think it made it harder to stop ....On a night I didn't get to drink and I wanted to, I would be soo mad!... I just wrapped my life around that time to drink..so yep it changed me.

nel68

....7weeks sober and happy now

Tres

Alcohol was blinding/blocking so much of the old me. I was sad,depressed, anxious, resentful, unhealthy, slugish, insecure....the list goes on and on.

It was very hard to quit, but I did. Since then I feel completely different. Its been over a year...so itsnot over night that it happens. Be patient.

Sincd then I have trained and ran a half marathon, joined a choir and just recently applied for a job promotion...my confidence is back,and I handle things without drama and unnecessary stress.

You can do this...one day at a time.

mfsteve1

I was a very negative person with what seemed like a thousand secrets.

I'm a snowflake when it comes to emotions lately. Now that I have them "for real" again I'm have to relearn how to control them. I'm not so much negative as in an adjustment phase (that sounds like something out of a self-help book).

No lies or secrets now though. I have not told a lie since I sobered up even when it probably would have been the best thing to do.

Guyver

Drinking usually made me hellbent on revenge for past wrongs done on me, real or imagined. Even something as simple as a friend calling me a name I didn't like about 3 years ago made me want to rip their throat out, needless to say I got into lots of trouble with the law and at my lowest.. mental health services.

Coconut61

thank you for all the responses. I feel less alone now. I've felt very isolated not being able to talk to anybody about all of this. people just don't understand - they do not understand the impact this disease can have on how we conduct ourselves.

I guess i shouldn't expect them to, either. If you haven't experienced something it is hard to relate. I need to find a way to get myself some support from people who have walked in the same shoes. My old friends just dont get it, neither does my family. I think isolation is another reason i keep turning to the bottle.

sorry for the self-involved message. it is nice to express my experience and even better to see the validation in the messages you all have made in response to my comment. thank you.

aspired

I've been reflecting this issue recently. I have been incredibly hostile towards my room mate because of my drinking. I've never abused her physically or emotionally, but I've been a jerk to her, and all because of alcohol. I love the girl. She's been my best friend since I was ten, but I think alcohol has caused me to lash out at her for stupid stuff. I've used the money she made for alcohol, and when it comes time to pay the bills I sometimes her her money to pay the bills simply because I can't.

Sorry, I'm still drinking. She knows I'm registered at this forum and when I first registered she read my posts. Susan, if you read this, I love you. You're my best friend and I'm so sincerely sorry for how I have treated you because of alcohol. I don't want to lose my best friend for 20 years because of this.

I'll need to tell her that in person when she comes home from work.

stairs

Yes drinking definitely changed my personality. Mouthy, cursing, laughing loudly, just obnoxious- plus I thought I could sing, loudly, and was just a j.a. in general. Not that I'm not occasionally like that now but it's becoming much fewer and far between. I like sober me better.

john44

Yes! I see so much of myself in your post. I slipped into the downward spiral of alcoholism in my forties after a health scare. Drinking led to increased anxiety and guilt, feelings of worthlessnes and just plain despair. I was generally happy, fairly successful and a pretty confident guy before alcohol ripped my life apart.

Guess what? I'm starting to get ME back. There was a relapse a few weeks ago, but I'm back on track, feeling better and really want sobriety.

I still have a lot of messes to clean up but I know that I can do it. As long as I stay sober. If I drink I have no chance...things would only get much, much worse.

Please, give sobriety a shot. I'm not saying it's easy but you may be pleasantly surprised.

paul99

I don't think alcohol changed my personality drastically - it just amped up what was already there and brought it to the forefront, manifested in different ways. Without a drink, I was lonely, angry, self-loathing, spiteful, deceitful and selfish. I kept those things at bay as much as I could, but felt trapped in my own mind and skin. I put on a great front - happy, no worries, laid back, etc. but deep down I felt like I was being run through a shredder all day. So drinking took me away from that, very temporarily, then immediately brought out what was in me and put it front and center. I was still lonely, angry, self-loathing, spiteful, deceitful and selfish. The only difference is that because of the effect of alcohol on my mind and judgement, my behaviours changed...not my initial sense of self and personality. The feeling of fantasy changed my views on things when I drank, but my personality was still there. Stopping the drink didn't change my personality. I still felt that horrible person was still there.

But what has changed my personality is my recovery in AA. Working the steps has brought about a psychic change in me that changed my perspective and brought growth in me that doesn't require me to go to the bottle to feel better about myself. To me, it's a big difference.

CBR

Alcohol took over my personality completely for the worst. Now over a year sober, my husband says he doesn't know me anymore. We met drunk and drank together for 22 years. He still drinks to excess. He says he is happy with the new me but I know he misses his drinking buddy. I don't know how long I will be able to stay with him if he continues to drink. I love the new me. I plan on staying sober. But at times, I know he feels I am a stranger to him. The funny part is that I have been drunk more years than I have been sober in my 55 years. Which personality is the real me?

BurntToast

I see my self in so many of these post. Drinking did change me; I went from a hard working, intelligent go getter to a person who did not care if the job got done. I moved up the food chain at work as my drinking got worse and was able to cover it up by delegating jobs to other people. I noticed when I went weeks with out drinking I started doing more of my own work and feeling good about it.