jazzfish

I've recognized for decades that I had a problem with drinking, but that was never enough to get me to quit. I always held on to the hope that, if not drink normally, then I could at least drink happily.

In the last 10 years, I admitted to myself that I will never be able to drink either normally or happily. This is a nice (although uncomfortable) place to be in as the problem became one of two choices: continue drinking and being miserable, or quit drinking and try something new. Still, for most of that time, I continued to drink.

I finally accepted that the above was true, which seemed to be on a my deeper level of understanding - as if it was simply fact. I would like this acceptance to remain deep, clear, and undeniable. How have you strengthened your acceptance of your alcoholism and what role does it play in you sobriety?

doggonecarl

When I finally and truly decided to quit, the acceptance of my alcoholism, the recognition of the depth of my problem, and the awareness that I can never drink again were made rationally and with mental clarity.

Any thought of drinking is the insidious insanity of alcohol and alcoholism. I do not heed such thoughts and I stay ever vigilant on this point.

I only need to log on to SR and read for five minutes to know what will happen if my strength wavers. Every day people test their initial resolve. And fail.

There is no reason to think I’ll do any better should I decide to drink.

gaffo

Every morning I give thanks for not being hungover. All day I continue to be actively grateful and a little proud that alcohol is no longer a player in my life. No matter how much I might be tempted to drink I will not because I don't want my kids to grow up with that but (thankfully!) the idea of drinking no longer seems to appeal to me.

With sobriety firmly in place I can see just how bad drinking was for me. I know what you mean about drinking unhappily. I have accepted my alcoholism and I am enjoying trying something new. After decades of dealing with life as a drinker this new phase is a profoundly enriching experience on so many levels. My arrested development has been set free!

Coldfusion

Hi Jazz,

I think you've heard this tune from me before...

I continually question my strength over alcohol. This leads me to participate here at SR and go to meetings.

Gforce23

I have gone around and around with whether or not I was an "alcoholic" for years--probably over a decade. I looked up definitions in the DMSV, I googled "alcoholism vs. alcohol abuse" I looked up papers and research on alcoholism, trying to figure it all out. Funny thing, none of that reading cured my drinking problem!
I am still in the process of accepting that I can't drink alcohol. Even typing that out gave me a jolt. I definitely relate to your OP, --finally realizing that I'll never be able to drink "happily or normally," has been tough, but I'm coming around to it. I'm on the cusp of day 30, and I am really grateful for not waking up hungover. I'm really grateful for being able to remember everything I said and did over the last month. Do I ever wish I could just drink a beer? Sure. You bet. But when I think about the fact that I've spent the entire month feeling good about myself instead of bad, it just doesn't seem worth it.

freshstart57

For me, my acceptance is simply that I no longer drink, no matter what. There is no question of degree or extent. I have asked the question and it has been answered. There no longer is a middle ground for me.

Carl said that any thought of drinking is the insanity of alcoholism. I will add that any doubt in my own resolve comes from the same source. I simply do not assign any meaning or import to these thoughts because I recognize them as coming from my addiction. Done.

bemyself

Ah, great thread and posts from some of (my) most respected members....I actually feel envious of those like your good selves who KNOW, deep down, just like me, that you're an alcoholic....and Gforce, Yeh, I did all the damn deep research on the 'definitions' for years too, so I simply can't say 'gee, I had no idea'. I've heard some say just that in meetings I've been to, and always been astounded.

Yet: I relapse...and relapse....and still do so. To this very day. I have a zillion different 'tools', understand most / much of the various 'programmes' or 'techniques' (such as AVRT), etc etc etc etc etc.

Yet, I drink again. Huh! I'm old and ugly enough to simply know better, because of all of the above. Excellent case in point: just today - I felt quite OK, given I'd been drinking again yesterday for a few hours. I went (back) to 'meetings' yesterday and today, simply for some human company to be perfectly blunt, and to get out of the house and my own head for a few hours. There was no booze left in the house this a.m.; I practised and practised / meditated over and over my AVRT stuff......came home, continued to have a reasonable day (hot here today).

Then: bang. The ailing / dying laptop (a saga of past few weeks) shut itself down while I was in the middle of transferring some files to an external HD. I have to wait about 10 or so days until a newly ordered laptop arrives (with Win8 on it, arrgggghhhh, but that's another story :-)). I have online banking to get done, etc etc. I can see all my contacts etc etc just being irrevocably lost.....rah rah rah.

Bang. Off I go, into the car, around the corner, to buy some wine. KNOWING it's stupid. KNOWING I'd made a commitment to never drink again (read the earlier paras carefully). KNOWING I'm 57, and have other health probs which only get much worse if I drink.

It's like a Zen koan; it's like 'Mu'

I clearly just don't GET IT, somewhere deep down.

Pfft, damn and blast, etc.

Gforce23

Good Morning!

Listen, I'm "only" on day 30 (today!)--so I'm not really in anyway qualified to give any advice on the relapse issue. I did that when I first started going to meetings 6 years ago. I stopped going to meetings after I found out I was pregnant, and just quit drinking until after my son was born. I went to one meeting several years after that, but didn't go back, because by the time I got home, I "knew" I wasn't going to stick to the program. So, I told myself that I was "quitting" quitting, until further notice, and that I wasn't going back to any meetings until I thought I could commit. So, that's where it's at now--when I first started going to meetings about 6 years ago, I think I lasted about 9 days before I caved in. This time, I'd had a week of sobriety before I even went to a meeting, and I've lasted 30 days, so far.

I used to question what my deal was back then as well. Vowing never to drink, feeling committed to not drinking, but finding myself driving unconsciously to the store for a beer as if I was being drawn in by some invisible tractor beam. While I haven't read through Eckhart Tolle's the Power of Now all the way through--there is something he talks about in it that struck a chord-- he asks a rhetorical question-- in a response to this internal statement he makes about himself: "I am so sick of myself." After pondering this statement for a minute he asks basically, (I'm paraphrasing) "How can 'I' be sick of 'myself'--are there two of me? I think the answer is, no, there are not 2 of mere in there. You do have the power of choice, however difficult that choice may be--and believe me, I'm not trying to be trite, I've struggled with this for years. I know how difficult it is to make that choice and to stick to it. I'm not even out of the woods yet myself!

Quitting anything puts us in a highly ambivalent state, and we have to contend with some pretty powerful competing forces in our own psyche. I also REALLY admire some of the AVRT people who just seem so confident in there "never again" attitude. Personally, I'm trying to get to 3 months--I'm not going to drink at three months. I just mean, as a goal to see if I start feeling better about it, so I don't turn it into a 'forever thing'--just yet. I know some won't agree with that strategy, but at 30 days, I'm already feeling better, so I can only imagine that at 3 months, I might be feeling even more secure in this decision. That's my fervent desire, anyway.

Cheers

exponential

I tried for about ten years to be a moderate drinker. I set a limit and then tried to stick to it. I always thought that with just a little more effort, a little more willpower, I could do it, starting Monday. Week after week, for years. (What is the definition of insanity again?)

I think the inability to recognize and accept the problem, and the multitude of rationalizations and other cognitive distortions that stand in the way, is the most baffling part of the problem. But getting there is Step 1.

2granddaughters

I joined AA.

I committed to it, not just played around with it. It keeps me focused and on the beam.

All the best.

Bob R

bigsombrero

When I went to treatment, I told my close friends and family. My parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all know about my will to beat this addiction. Same goes for my core group of close friends.

I knew I had to tell them because once it's out in the open, then everyone is on the same page. I can't go have a drink with a buddy, or go home to my parent's house and have a glass of wine. Everyone is in on it. And they'd be pretty creeped out if I started drinking.

It was embarrassing, but it felt like the right thing to do immediately. I have spent a long time "hiding" this disease. By opening up to everyone in my life, I accepted the problem and also now have some responsibility to keep clean. I will disappoint and sadden a lot of people if I go back....myself included. Also, I think being true to others also helped me be true to myself. I am still working on it.

Thanks for the discussion topic.

janiebluebird

I still struggle with acceptance every day. Every day I argue my AV. I am still trying to get to the point of total acceptance. What is helping me right now is the analogy of the boxing ring. Even though I've never been a daily drinker, when I get into the ring with alcohol, more times than not, I lose. Alcohol beats me nearly every time. My AV is having trouble getting around this.

wiscsober

Accepting that sobriety takes some selfless work - trying to carry the message and provide recovery information

GerandTwine

Recognizing the Addictive Voice as something separate from and alien to your human goal of abstaining is a very useful Technique, thus AVRT.

Gforce23

I agree that it's an excellent strategy, but in my humble opinion, if it originates from my OWN brain, than it is a part of me--it may be a phantom, but it is one my own creation.

Just my two pennies.

mecanix

I was quite happy as an alcoholic for quite some time, accepting it did'nt make me want to change it. I think i've had the same level of acceptance of it for 10 years or so .

What has changed is my intollerance for the consequences and intollerance of the self centerdness i had .

Bestwishes, M

exponential

For me the acceptance has just very gradually sunk in over time. Now I carry a reminder with me all the time of what will happen if I give in to the temptation to have 'just one'. I remind myself that there will be a chain reaction that leads inevitably to misery and quite possibly to some kind of disaster. I remind myself of the particular risks -- accident, arrest, family consequences, health problems -- risks that are most certainly not worth taking. Not to mention the potential for just missing out on the best of what life has to offer.

GerandTwine

Yes, you're absolutely right, it does originate within your OWN brain, and it is a part of you. Your GOAL of ABSTAINING is what I was saying IT, the Addictive Voice, is separate from and alien to. Can you see the difference?

In fact, in AVRT, the existence of something within that wants to succeed in satisfying habituated appetites that cause pleasure is a sure sign of health, not disease. It's just that the desire to enjoy the buzz from booze has side effects that can ruin a person's life. That's why I decided to go up against that particular desire, and using AVRT did make it a heck of a lot easier, and it worked, all by myself.

Gforce23

Yeah, I am still learning about AVRT. I've picked some things up here, but if there is anything specific you'd suggest to read, I am all ears...or eyes as the case may be.

Thanks!

DIYman

Thanks for asking this question.

Since I quit (Day 32) my general state of emotional being has changed for the better. I'm no longer anxious, I get up each morning without a hangover. This is great.

I originally was going to go dry for January, and I've extended it to February. I'm due to go on a skiing trip at the end of March, and I now want to stay sober for that. This trip is quite an easy one to justify, as the skiing starts early each morning and I don't want to be hungover for it!

As the days go by, I am more and more sure I don't want to drink again. When push comes to shove what that actually means is that there are more and more situations/contexts/places where I am comfortable not drinking. Home is the first (never ever wanted to be a home drinker anyway), out socialising is the next (almost feel comfortable with that), holidays is the final one.

Being totally honest it is a battle of wills between a big part of me not wanting to drink and another big part of me wanting to be able to 'fit in', especially with one friend in particular. This is a demon I still have to face, and I have not yet worked out its meaning.