zjw

Since I've sobered up I've managed to have lots of problems in relation to other people. I suppose I no longer have the patience I once had. I also think people are taken back that all the sudden I lack patience. I also think I've found people I thought where my friends where not my friends.

All this has been tough to take in. I've lost some long time friendships good ones or what I thought where good ones.

I'm ok being alone I dont socialize well anyhow but its bothersome this problem and sorting out if its me or them or where they ever really a good friend?? All very confusing.

Anyone else go through this? If and when it got better did you find you had to try and be more tolerant of others or perhaps you just had the wrong group before or a combo of the 2?

Music

Yup!! Been there. I was told to change playthings, playmates, and playtimes. My first thought was, "wow, I'm supposed to give up all the friends I have?" Like you, I found out that some of the people I knew, were just that. People I knew. Once they found out I didn't drink any more, they went away, but the people who were really my friends, stuck by me, supported me and are still there. Oddly enough, they knew about my drinking way before I was willing to admit to the problem. So, just hang in there. Don't use the lack of friends as an excuse to commit suicide by drinking. I've been sober a long time and have many more friends today than I ever believed possible. My dad used to tell me that a true friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you. That has proven to be true.

zjw

yeah my gripe is a couple of my really good friends are no longer in the picture. ones that did stand by me. In the end I lost tolerance for them. The one for example always wanted to hold grudges against me for past things that honestly where not my fault. He stood by me through thick and thin otherwise however. I just couldn't stand the constant grudge we discussed it countless times and he couldnt get past it. This went on for years. I finally said enough is enough. I suppose I could look past his grudge holding and well I did for years. But I just could no longer stomach it.

I'd like to say I need to meet some new people perhaps but I often feel whats the use friends come and friends go I'm better off concentrating my efforts on those that live under my roof instead.

Windancer

I can relate as well.
My biggest issue is that many people are shocked at the new healthy boundaries I have put up...that really made me realize who my friends are.
Ive dropped some people, and am working on picking up some new healthy friends. It can be a difficult transition. ANd my mood swings dont help of course.

zjw

you might be on to something. I have done a rather 360. I'm still getting to know this person called "me" whos been hiding since I was probably 5 when the hell all started. I found myself wondering the other day what could have been if events had gone differently. Not in a regretful manner but just wonder. My wife does'nt even know me and has had a hard time adjusting. I'm finding the more I chase after the good stuff the better I feel. It just keeps getting better. But at the same time I'm watching things and people get left behind and it saddens me but I refuse to allow that to bring me down any longer which then bothers others who feel I'm a heartless unsympathetic person etc..

Anouck

But where do you make new healthy friends? Hello, sorry... I currently live in a village and people go to pubs to meet. I do not have the money yet to enrol in any extra activities and not sure what I like doing anymore any way

zjw

Anouck I can relate. I found AA already had there own little "click" that while I was welcome at the meeting I found no fellowship otherwise. Its very troublesome to meet new people I have to socialize with 20 30 individuals to get to know them enough to see if its worth going further I might fine a few out of that and those relationships may never last.

The other day I thought maybe its not about making friends maybe its about crossing paths with others and what you have to give to them as you pass by.

Some may give to you but maybe the wont. So I thought maybe I should be happy with that passing through life crossing paths with folks offering them some of my happiness etc.. and moving forward never engageing in much of anything in terms of a long term lasting in depth friendship.

Pixienottipsy

I understand what z is saying about clicks in AA. I solved that problem by connecting with other new comers. Now we all.hang out and are getting sober together. It is pretty awesome. Any coffee shops in your area? I have found that those can be a cool place to meet people too. Not to sound like a butt head but being lonely sober is better for me than when I was drunk and lonely too. (Surrounded by people)

zjw

pixienottipsy you bring up a good point with friending new comers. I found the meeting i went too had a steady crew and the new comers came and went never to be seen again. I simply stopped going as I got busy with the birth of a new child but miss some of the steady crew members good words to say at those meetings. No one gave me a phone list people where polite and kind etc.. But we never became friends I reached out to a few and got brushed aside. Others may have been trying to reach out to me but maybe I wasnt socializing well I'm the quiet guy in the corner type if that makes any sense.

paul99

It can be tough. I am by nature an introvert - even when drinking, I wasn't that loud guy in the corner holding court with others. One reason I drank was to dissolve into the background, and yet, at the same time, I craved to be with others. What a crushing grey zone to be in.

So when I started going to AA meetings, I ran into the same problem. I wanted to belong but I lacked the skills to talk to others. I felt "less than" in my whole life, and brought that over into my early sobriety. So I had a lot of emotional baggage around being with others. Now imagine everyone in recovery that have all different types of baggage around being others. Now throw us in a room for an hour or so, newcomers and long-timers. It's not going to be easy for most of us. Oh sure, some are at ease working the fellowship - that comes with time and/or it's innate in some. But many of us have difficulties in social settings.

Having said all that, like any social setting, there are going to be those little groups, there are going to be those on the outside, there will be the butterflies, there are going to be the quiet ones, etc. Every group is different in their vibe and energy. I used to be resentful at the little cliques and yet didn't want anything to do with them? Insane, yes? These are the things that I had to work through, namely through my stepwork, and seeing the why's and how's of that pattern in my life. And that has been true of everyone else in AA who has done the work.

As far as getting brushed off - who knows what was going on with those cats. We're also sensitive folk, so what you consider being brushed off might be different than what I consider it. I always made sure my recovery came first, and slowly peeled myself off the walls and made my way into the room and started shaking hands and introducing myself, telling others I was new, or introducing myself to newcomers. It was baby steps for me. And now I am much better at it. Love and tolerance is our code.

AA is about getting well, about working with others, about connecting to a Higher Power to remove the mental obsession, a design for living. Socializing is socializing. I knew what was more important to me.

Xune

Friends, they come and go like the wind.

I try to never worry about what others are doing and only focus on what I can control.

My drinking buddies, those ships have sailed.

zjw

paul99 I'm much the same way prefered to drink alone at home. Jealous of hte crowd yet want nothing to do with them all at the same time the madness of it!! I've been pushed over the years to be social when I did not want to be. Drinking probably never helped matters in that regard. But now I'm wondering if perhaps being alone is just fine too so long as I'm comfortable in my own skin about it. That being said I'm pondering seeing if i cant break away for a meeting this week your reminding me of some of the good stuff I'm missng out on!.

Windancer

You are NOT a heartless unsympathetic person. Their is a difference between selfishness and self care. Some people in your life will accept that and adjust to the new wonderful you, or they wont. Ive had many people I love call me cold and selfish. My bf adores the "new" me...and is more patient with my mood swings, as he feels I am just becoming my true self again....finally.

Windancer

I live in the middle of nowhere and have no license, and live near a VERY small town. I dont go to pubs to meet people.....I go to healthy places to meet healthy people. Even in the country by a small town, I can manage it, and if I can, so can anyone. I have no money either. And, I forced myself to try new things so see what I enjoy sober. It is amazing how many healthy people Ive met simply through my lifestyle change....so it IS possible Anouck. I used to think pubs were the only place to meet people too but I find that belief system very limiting so I scatched it

zjw

windancer
Of course i've met plenty of people who met me and where nice and politely moved on with there lives leaving me in there dust. I recall at those times going hey what did i do wrong. These folks where not mad at me or nothing they just moved on with there lives. I wanted something more out of the relationship they simply didnt care where indifferent to it one way or another. While I thought maybe it was me and who knows maybe it was. Maybe they where exercising self care and thought gosh hanging around this guy brings me down he just isnt on the same page as me etc.. I don't understand that reasoning in my head I think there needs resolution and conclusion to relationships perhaps thats my own selfish desire and there is no need for that and its ok to move forward course I'd hate to just move forward from long time friends. I suppose theres a right and a wrong way to handle it and a right and a wrong time etc..

I'll get this figured out sooner or later.

Xune

I think this energy would be better spent on things that bring joy, tranquility or pleasure into your life.

Seriously, you seem to be worrying about things that are completely outside of your control.

Peace.

zjw

Xune but thats what I'm so good at!! haha. Thanks for pointing it out.

Pondlady

I'm probably viewed as more opinionated since I quit drinking. I always had opinions, just didn't express them often, as my wine numbed me. I also am getting better at setting healthy boundaries.

zjw

same i was rather critical of everyone and everything as a child. I lost a lot of that critical ness during my drunken years or at least it never manifested in a way that hurt anyone other then me. Now if I'm not careful I can easily say the wrong thing.

I will admit however sometimes things needed to be said drinking caused me to hold an aweful lot in for many years. I let out some steam and offended some and perhaps it should have been addressed years prior but in those instances it was rather theraputic for me and all parties get alone and I feel better having gotten things off my chest.

Pixienottipsy

One thing that I thought of just now is that when I first started showing up at meetings there were certain people that didn't really talk to me.(They weren't rude. Just not overly friendly) I befriended some other new comers and that was great. However, as it has been mentioned, that doesn't always work. Anyway, some of them are quite nice to me now. I have learned that a lot of things in AA are just the same as they are out in the world. As alcoholics we can be some pretty sick puppies. I realize now that some of those people were initially protecting themselves and me. Our brains are pretty crazy at the get go. Mine still is. Lol.Some of the people (especially members of the opposite sex) wanted to make sure that I didn't misconstrue being friendly for something else. We have no way of knowing what other peoples intentions are. Even in a place like AA. I am glad that I stuck around. It is nice to be making sober friends. I am also reconnecting with family members that I haven't been close with in years. This is a really cool journey. I wish all of us the best.