MadameX

Wow, I didn't think I'd be back here posting. See I joined this site in January of last year under this same name but stopped coming on after a few months, felt I was better and didn't need to be reminded about my drinking "habit". I got locked out of the account and cant remember the password so I've created a new profile. This is probably my most honest post on any forum.

Doubt anyone remembers my story but basically like almost everyone on here I am an alcoholic... all be it in "recovery". Well boy has a whole lot happened in a whole year and none of it for the better. I went from being a so called "functioning" alcoholic to a full blown disaster. There wasn't anymore drinking after work for happy hour or on the weekends at the club. ...Someone once told me theres two things you never do " Don't drink at home and Dont Drink Alone" . God do I wish I would have listened.

I am truly the designer of my own catastrophe. I work in the legal field and started using alcohol to cope with the long hrs and work I would bring home.... then i used it to be that wonderful happy go lucky mom who is cool about everything... then i used it to cope with any fight between my boyfriend. ANY excuse to make drink justifiable to myself.

I have lost a great man who loved me very much and tried so hard but just couldnt take my drunken outbursts, rantings, dr. jekyl and Mr. hyde personality, lying and hiding bottles, he just couldnt anymore. I dont blame him. As a result I spiraled even more out of control in my own self pitty party. I managed to crash my bosses car when she let me borrow it on my lunch break. Little did she know I had been drinking by breakfast time. By the grace of god I didnt hurt anyone and the police werent called she thought it was a hit in run (I have allowed alcohol to turn me into a liar).
This Incident resulted in my ex husband taking my daughters from me for the summer. He felt I needed time to get my life and mind together. My God you wouldve thought that all this happening wouldve been enough to wake me the hell up. It did for a bit... Summer went by and all went well.

Ahhhh the joys of Labor Day weekend. Family and Friends BBQ's. Im better right, Ive beat this, not a drink in 3 months, I feel great. What's one Drink gonna do to me. ...We all know where this is going, 1 turns into 2, 3 ...Im feeling ok wasnt in a "drunken" state, wasnt "sober" either. So Its time to go home. Just My luck.. I GET HIT by a drunk driver, he richochets me into a parked car the cops come and BOOM. NOW we are both arrested for DUI's.
I am a fool. Im not imposing religion here, but if there is I a God and I believe there is one he sure gave me plently of Chances to get my life in order and took al those near misses for granted.

I am in a world of hell right now legally and financially all for those Few drinks on labor day. I am a strong woman and I will emerge from this I will not hate myself and destroy my life any longer. I AM ABSOLUTELY DONE with alcohol. I am not recommending anyone do this but I safely weaned myself off alcohol over a few days because the withdrawals were so bad I could not functon at work. I was able to do it easily by tapering. Got myself into a rehab, ate healthy and Im feeling great except that Ive been diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver. I should be grateful after 3 years of binge drinking thats all I have. I was terrified I had worst. I dont know if its cause I only drank white wine but regardles alcohol is alcohol. I am totally committed to regaining a healthy sober life again. AND I WILL because I have finally had it, ITS TIME. I am currently under going a juice fast and planning on a supervised water fast to rejuvenate my poor liver and body. They say water fasts remover the toxins that cause the addiction to whatever your substance of choice is. We shall see.

I am sooo sorry for this very long post. I just needed to vent the truth to anyone who wont judge me. I Pray and hope I can save someone from this same fate.

LexieCat

My life was headed the same place (and I worked in the legal field, too). It's only dumb luck that I did not run into the consequences you have experienced. Sooner or later my luck would have run out.

So, what is your plan for STAYING sober? Have you been to AA? Best thing that ever happened to me.

RobbyRobot

No judgements here. Thanks for a powerful share. You have a great message of knowing alcoholic drinking never works out for long. Welcome to SR!

Justfor1

Wow. You were hit by a drunk driver & you were drunk also. Working in the legal field I'm sure you realize the seriousness of the situation & speak to a good lawyer. My dui lawyer was a "slick" big city type lawyer & he was worth every dollar I spent on him. The criminal justice system is only focused on punishment. Your Secretary Of State will be focused on your driving license. Neither of which helped me get sober. You are not a bad person & DUI's are very common in todays world. You will get through this situation & ,hopefully, be back driving on the road.

TiredWolf

MadameX,

Your line about not drinking at home or alone pretty much describes me. You will not be judged by me and I appreciate you taking the time to post your story.

I too have been given many chances and keep blowing them...lost jobs, lost trust of family and at this moment basically unemployable. I am a pharmacist who stole drugs from employers to support my habit then recently turned to alcohol and now am going through the process of getting off that. Dealing with a lot of shame and guilt from past activities.

By grace of God I have avoided being arrested although I offered plenty of opportunities. I wish you the best regarding your DUI, that is a heavy burden to bear while getting sober.

Regards and hang in there.

paul99

Hi MX,

Can't imagine anyone judging you here. While the details are different, your story is my story in regards to the progression of the alcoholism. Jobs, relationships, trust...all destroyed. Arrest and (temporary) poor health too. The idea that a drink or two wouldn't hurt. The lies, the lies to cover up lies...all present and ready to go at any time.

It's a downward spiral that affects more people than we like to admit.

I am glad to hear that you're back here and so you know the kind of support that you will get here.

I hope that you find a program of recovery while you have momentum going.

Cheers

Gal220

One of my best friends told me that "God allows do-overs, so get going!" So welcome back!

2granddaughters

I found a loving/forgiving/helping God in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

MadameX

Thanks for everyone's support and taking some time to read my post. Nobody in my immediate life knows the entire truth and extent of my drinking addiction. Bearing my soul even if only on here feels liberating. I have not gone to AA but have gone into an outpatient rehab facility where I get one on one counseling. I was asked to go to group and I went twice and Ive gotten stares like what are you doing here. Because like most of you, Looks wise, Im probably the least likely person you'd think is in rehab. I dont know if it is my shame but I dont know if Im ready to face strangers personally and tell them my darkest secrets. I guess being on this forum is my way of trying, my first step. I will get there.

Now that Im sober the guilt consumes me at times. Thinking about all the horible things said and done to the people I love. Disappointing them over and over. Worst of all that my children now are getting older and are starting to realize and notice what Ive done. I know its the past but Im working on facing those demons and making them right. I hope they can all forgive me one day. God Bless you all.

Zebra1275

Welcome back to SR!

I also think AA might really help you. I understand what you are saying about going to a group at an outpatient facility. I didn't fit in either when I tried that, everyone's issues seemed more severe than mine: meth, cocaine, arrests, jail etc. I'm "just" an alcoholic who drank alone at home.

However, I was able to find some AA meetings where I fit in. The composition of AA groups varies widely, a group that meets in the city is probably very different than one that meets in some affluent suburb. A woman's only meeting also might be a good place to start. Try some different meetings out.

Fernaceman

Welcome to SR. No one will judge you here, and really shouldn't be judging you anywhere you go to seek help for sobriety. I have never gotten judged at AA or any outside support group.

ru12

Hi there! No judgement here. When I finally had enough I stopped drinking over 2 years ago. I found SMART and Rational Recovery very useful as well as posting here. There are many paths to sobriety.

Fallow

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Just wanted to say its amazing because what you said was exactly what I needed to hear right now today. Itd be hard to explain.. Thanks again.

One other thing I want to mention is I am a member of AA, but I dont tell strangers my deep dark secrets.

Welcome back to SR!

LexieCat

I'm in AA and I don't tell strangers my deep, dark secrets, either. Actually, the 12 Steps are intended to help you unload that burden you're dragging around. You haven't done anything that plenty of other people haven't done.

And how people "look" on the outside has not a darned thing to do with whether we have an abnormal reaction to alcohol that causes us (and the people around us) harm. When I got sober I had a very successful career, no DUIs (not that I never deserved one), no jail, no hospitalizations. But when I quit, I knew in my heart that sooner or later my luck would run out. And I knew that I would hurt or disappoint people who were important to me.

I hope you choose to free yourself--all it takes is a few small steps, one at a time. But you have to start somewhere.

MadameX

@ Zebra, Im going ti look into AA. But Ive come to realize that being just an "alcoholic" is probably the worst thing I couldve been. It really is a drug and in my eyes and should be a class A drug. The worst part is its so easy to get and its legal... and even after you get sober theres temptation every where you look on every corner, tv commercials and magazines. At least the meth, cocaine, heroin addicts dont have that.

Zebra1275

@ Zebra, Im going ti look into AA. But Ive come to realize that being just an "alcoholic" is probably the worst thing I couldve been. It really is a drug and in my eyes and should be a class A drug. The worst part is its so easy to get and its legal... and even after you get sober theres temptation every where you look on every corner, tv commercials and magazines. At least the meth, cocaine, heroin addicts dont have that.

I agree, alcohol is everywhere and the advertising and such make drinking look like a glamourous thing to do. I'm a parent so I have that perspective also. My kids are in college now and doing great but some of their peers have crossed over to the dark side and I can visualize where they are probably going to be in 20 years.

paul99

I can attest that after I stopped drinking, I certainly noticed all the advertising and attention liquor gets in all media forms. Then factor in the bars and restaurants with liquor campaigns and tie-ins, the supermarket, the gas station, the liquor stores, the boutique wine shops, etc. it's everywhere. That is why a program of recovery for me was so important, so that I can now safely walk past and go into these places and feel safe.

gaffo

Having alcohol everywhere has actually strengthened my resolve. I draw the line at my house and my shopping cart of course.

AtATotalLoss

How very brave you are to open up like that - I commend you! And I can tell you, being the child of an alcoholic, your kids will forgive you. Hoping for my own situation, but I think that the best and greatest gift you can give them is your honesty and sobriety. And you are on the path to do that now. Good job