xpaddyx

Needing a little bit of help and encouragement, support or an eHug or something....

Another relapse, but this time I was actively working my program. For the first time I had a sponsor, was working the steps, praying, attending meetings on a semi-regular basis, and doing everything they tell you to do in AA.

So why the relapse?? I keep waiting for this "warm blanket" type of feeling when I pray. I want to connect and find God so badly because I know it is my only chance to beat this disease. No huma,n power can relieve my alcoholism. This is a definite.

My sponsor (or ex sponsor now) told me to go to a group home. I see no need to do this because, while it would be nice to be in a structured environment with others actively working on recovery, in the end you're basically stuck with yourself once you get out.

So, what gives? What is there to learn from a relapse? I've lost of the many times this has happened. Is more diligence the answer? I'm nearing the end of my rope here and need help but I don't know where to turn. I'm seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist and taking my meds (I am dual diagnosed with MAJOR social phobia/generalized anxiety disorder) as directed.

This just seems like a never ending cycle. I think it's called Samsara. Birth. Life. Death. Rebirth...

I'm out of answers.

MrTumble

cheer up... dont give up. life is very precious and you are doing the right thing by wanting to quit a habit that is capable of ruining the preciouness of life.

so dont feel so bad, you are on the right track

Xune

I found reading 'sober for good' to be very helpful in my recovery.

Dee74

Hi Paddy

I'm not an AAer but I do believe in the power of prayer.
For many years I felt God was not listening to me...I did not feel God.

I realise now God was there all the time.
I was in the way.

Ask yourself how you think you might be in the way Paddy?

D

Gal220

I'm so sorry you're feeling so hopeless right now. I can definitely relate to that feeling that I'm caught in a downward spiral. But no matter how bad I feel now, I know that drinking will not make me feel better.

Obviously, though, remaining abstinant is not a solution to my problem. If it were, I would never again want to drink, and all my problems would be solved by my being without alcohol. This just isn't the case.

Don't beat yourself up about drinking again. What's important is that you know you don't want to drink, and that you make a plan and work on yourself. Just because you chose to drink before doesn't mean you have to today, nor does it mean you have to totally disregard everything you were doing before as something that "didn't work". Whenever I make a decision to act in a way that is negative, I have to look at myself and find out what my motives were. What was my thought process? This will help me be prepared for when those thoughts and motives resurface in the future.

Also, for what it's worth (and that's not necessarily much) my greatest periods of spiritul growth have come from times of pain, not from warm and fuzzy moments. If I have a warm and fuzzy moment with my higher power, it's because I'm feeling warm and fuzzy at the moment.

vegibean

Have you ever considered going to treatment? Some people, especially ones like you that have mental issues to conquer, need aggressive treatment. God never saved me, I saved myself. That's me, but I got myself sober, I went to treatment, I did what I was told and made it almost 5 years...

I recommend treatment for you, I bet it would be the best thing you ever did for yourself. and :ghug3

Knudsen

Dear Paddy,

I've had and have some social phobia myself. Does it become better or worse when you are sober? And for how long were you sober?

I've had really good experiences with mindful meditation. If you feel like it read a bit about Jon Kabat-Zinn, his results are outstanding! Has written plenty books and there are many videos on youtube.

xpaddyx

Thank you everyone for the replies. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one struggling.

Vegibean, I've gone to psych wards, changed geography and the like. I definitely understand the need for structure in the early period of sobriety, but in the end you're left with yourself and nothing external can change that. My sobriety must come from a Higher Power.

Knudsen, the social phobia is worse the first few days after a binge. Luckily, I take Klonopin to soften that intense period. After that it's a generalized anxiety. I haven't any friends or anyone in 10 years due to this. I've shut myself off from people for as long as I can remember. It's sad, really. Going out with others and having coffee seems like such a stressful event that I just avoid it altogether. I have read Jon Kabat-Zinn and watched some videos, but I'm not sure if Mindulness based mediation is add odds with AA or a spiritual program of recovery. Cognitive behavioral strategies sound nice and I've tried it before with therapists, but unfortunately my anxiety is pretty extreme to follow this.

Thank you all again. I'm still kind of on the fence about going to a group home. Obviously, living with a bunch of strangers would worsen my anxiety. The way I see it is that if I want to drink I'm going to find a way to drink, group home or not.

Sapling

I'm just curious what step you were working on?

sofie

Was the trigger associated with something specific that caused the relapse? Or was it the intense anxiety? Just curious if it is some type of cycle, boredom, self medicating or loneliness? Just a few thoughts...

2granddaughters

I too spent years waiting for the "warm blanket" feeling.

It got so bad that I was either going to ask my sponsor about it or kill myself (many can identify with that).

My sponsor told me that his sponsor had told him to get down on his knees morning and night and talk to God.

He told me he had done it and half the time he thought he was talking to the wall ... but it had kept him sober for 13 years.

What more do I need to know... just do it.

What's to learn from a relapse ?? ..... I learned to do what I was told whether I understood or not. Whether I liked it or not.

I got a sponsor, I got a Home Group. I listened to the oldtimers and tried my best not to judge or tear it apart. I went to meetings regularly and I prayed morning and night (half the time I think I'm praying to the wall) and it's kept me sober for 23 yrs.

All my meds and psychiatrist/psychologists are things of the past. I know that AA is the answer (for me) and I fit in nicely to it.

Attending meetings on a semi-regular basis = "Half measures availed us nothing".

paddy, I wish you the best.

Bob R

LadyinBC

Exactly. The cycle ends when we say it ends.