exauhsted

So I had two days over the holidays that I didn’t drink not consecutively but one and then drank and then another and drank.

First day was Christmas eve… nothing to drink…I got through the day OK and I thought all was doing good until Christmas Day and I just couldn’t do it….I was so “stressed” so anxious I couldn’t make it through Christmas day . I wondered if it was the day or the alcohol withdrawal but I just could not do it.

If I had not had a drink I think I would have ruined a lot of folks Christmas because I was about to BLOW!

I think that’s what scares me most is that one day I will blow and when I do a lot of people will get their feelings hurt so bad that there may be no recovery. I refrained and I know that it was the right thing to do.

On the other hand I also had a very in depth conversation with daughter and husband where I was able to release a lot of stuff that was inside and you know.. it felt real good. It wasn’t the nit picky petty stuff that bothers me but the deep in your soul stuff that you want others to see and feel.

That’s the stuff that is so hard for me to let out and when I did I actually had them in tears..(not because they felt sorry for me) but because they felt the same just like me they keep it all in.

I know you may not understand what I’m saying and I apologize for this but I really really need to get it out there.

The conversation was about our nephew who recently OD . How if only one of us just one of us could have touched him in any way he might still be here. These are the things that tear at my soul. If we all could just step out of and away from our own busy lives to touch someone else would we not all be better off?

Where do you draw the line and say I have my own to take care of I can’t help you right now at this moment?

My husbands view is ...”I did all I could do, I tried“ and he did ,he really did ,he talked and talked to the boy about life and his responsibilities to his children and what he should do but there again he wasn’t able to reach his soul (or maybe he did) I really don’t know at this point.

At the same time husband is able to not feel so bad because he feels he did “all that he could do”

I can’t accept that for myself even though I talked with the boy and I know that he knew we loved him and God loved him and he had a love for God. I just feel that I should have done more. Maybe I think too much of myself to think that I could have been the one to make a difference.

It was only a few months ago that he called and wanted to come fish in our pond and bring his little brother and I said sure anytime just come on. He came and they had a great time. He was silly crazy over the fish they caught and took home to fry.

I just wonder if had I went out and sat down with him and really opened up and talked with him would I… could I have made a difference. They all look up to us because we have been married for 35 years and they all want that. And who am I to.. who am I to give advice in my own state/???

*SIGH*

I ramble on too much I suppose, I could go on forever, but I need to, and Thank You for just being there for me to release it if nothing else.

sugarbear1

are you going to try to stay stopped again?

exauhsted

Of course ......that is on my agenda of things to do.I just got to prioritize my list these days as soon as I rid myself of all the excuses........

amy55

Please do not dwell on the should haves and could haves, they will drive you insane. You did the best that you could.

I am very sorry to hear about your nephew. May he rest in peace.

Just know that you need to be receptive to help, before you let help and hope in.

gigi0310

First, this is a place to let your feelings out. You have put it out there in the universe.

So sorry for your loss.

gigi

fini

looking at your own life, your seeming inability to quit, what would make you think that if only you could have "been there better" for your nephew things might have been different for him?
looks like you have people around who love you, are there for you, and still, that has no effect on your quitting.
just wondering how you put those things together...

exauhsted

Excellent question..I suppose that I feel I should have been more in tune to his situation because I really thought he was doing better, I feel had I took the time to set down and really discuss it with him I might have seen something more than what I saw on the outside. My thinking that he was doing OK was obviously incorrect. In my busy life I didn’t stop and take that minute to go deeper than the appearance of it all.



I do have people that care about me but at the same time I have so many that depend on me and I am their rock their come to person. I’m not trying to put myself on any type of pedestal by no means but I am the glue that makes our tiny world go round. I’m just exhausted to the point that I feel I will soon be of no help.
Yes I want someone to take care of me for a minute..be it selfish.. I’m sure.

Therein lies my dilema..knowing what I need (or want) could it have been all he needed? Why couldn’t I have seen this? Why wasn’t I the one to say “come stay with us for a minute and get a grip”

I suppose that’s why I’m searching and reaching out for support here because I can’t ask for it in my home. That would be too much of a task for anyone at this time in our life.

paul99

Never mind exhausted, you'll be no use if you're drunk or dying an alcoholic death.

I don't have the answer to your dilemmas, and I have read all your posts on what is going on in your life, but all those things won't change unless there is a shift of some kind. Where that shift is going to come from, when...I don't know, but you have a say in it. I don't know if you're a praying woman, but prayer is where I would start. Put it out there.

Sorry about your nephew.

hamabi

These episodes are good if you get an understanding of how well you can expect sobriety anchored by no more than another firm decision to work out over time. At least you didn't put yourself through the confusion of a few months or years to reach a comprehension, as doing that can confuse people.

fini

I’m just exhausted to the point that I feel I will soon be of no help.
Yes I want someone to take care of me for a minute..be it selfish.. I’m sure.

your exhaustion comes through loud and clear in every post.
and it's not selfish to want to be taken care of for a minute here and there, even for an hour!
but my point really was something different: that no matter how or if others love you, hear you, or do or do not take care of you, it doesn't turn around the drinking/quitting thing.

YOU decide how, when and if to do that.
impossible, really, to be glue and rock when inside its all crumble...
i feel for you, but that won't help.
take care.

TrixMixer

You know Exhausted I think your whole family is keeping a lot in....and I sense a great deal of anger that you feel "YOU" are "the Glue", "You" are the one that keeps things together. " You "are the everyone depends on.

Do you see the pattern? IMOO you have a great deal of anger your holding on to, and drinking allows you to wallow in that anger. The best thing you could do for yoursel and others right now is to BLOW---until that pressure is released I do not believe you are capable of getting sober.

"Where do you draw the line and say I have my own to take care of"

I think that time is now today. I believe you truly believe everyone depends on you, but, think about this, how can they depend on you when you are a drunk , never really thinking clearly

DRAW the line, Exhausted--helping others starts with helping yourself.
Too much resentment is building up ---maybe in your whole family.

This is all just my opinion, but something needs to change!

I hope that change will be beginning the New Year with a commitment to sobriety. Please make that so!!

Sincerely, Trix

exauhsted

Resentment is a better word anger is just not quite right. I do resent the fact that everyone has a shoulder to cry on ,they all can count on me to pick up the pieces or at least help them through it.

The problem I suppose is that I have had to take this role on because of my own decisions and have no one else to blame but myself.. You see my husband has always been the ROCK in our family, and now that he is on the road I have taken on that role on a daily basis. I have become his rock and I don’t resent that, it’s just hard to be his and everyone else’s and live up to what it all means.

I wish I was better at saying what I need to say. I feel like I just can’t make people understand what it is I mean.

I know I am a mess and I don’t mean to be so complaining or whiney it’s just very hard for me to express myself in the way that I want to.. To be quite honest the drinking is the only thing that allows me to even begin to release it..I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

I keep everything inside and unfortunately since I only drink in the evening after everyone is settled down for the night..this is the place I come to release. Probably not the right thing to do but your right ..until I get it all out I don’t think I can quit.

This is where I come to say all the things I don’t have the courage to say to anyone who might be offended.

Yea I need a therapist…LOL

TrixMixer

Dear Exhausted,

Your last post was as honest as you are going to get --I believe--without some professional help. Your husband and daughter are adults able to make their own choices for the good or bad. You do not have to take on the problems of the adults in your life. They love you and they would want you to take care of yourself first.

Perhaps you should sit down with them and show them these posts if you can't find the words . Your posts speak volumes. You internalize EVERYTHING. Unless you release these feelings in a productive way, I fear you will never find sobriety, and more importantly peace.

There is a possibility your family does not see you in the position you place yourself in. They see you frailties. Just because you drink at night you think you are hiding the undercurrent of resentment building? I seriously doubt it.
The old saying "Physician Heal Thyself" should be your new goal.

Your family seems to love you very much, you have done everything to help your daughter, and just because your husband is on the road more now does not mean you have to take on anything more. Your daughter and her problems are of her doing and she is a big girl--give her the responsibility of correcting her mistakes, you will not be there forever for her, or the rest of your family.

Perhaps what your really afraid of is letting go, and finding they are just fine on their own. That can be a scary thing also?
These are just my observations, and I am not a professional anything, although I am a professional Alcoholic.

Please forgive me if I seem intrusive, it is just that you have so many wonderful posters to gather strength from. They have been here for you and will continue to be. I, myself, feel I have bothered you for the last time--everything I have wanted to say has been said.

I sincerely wish you the PEACE you are seeking. It will start only when you let some destructive feelings go, until then I fear you will be digging yourself a deeper hole to crawl out of. Please seek professional help at any cost, you owe yourself that.

I wish you all the best and will pray for you,:ghug3
TrixMixer

TrixMixer

Exhausted,

Haven't heard from you in a while? Everything ok? Please check in even if you are still drinking, we just want to know your out there and ok?

exauhsted

I'm still here just out and about..LOL