Said

I posted under another thread in Families of Alcoholics. My ABF left me (non-drinker, non-addict) and married another-heroin addict, alcoholic, both pot smokers. It was suggested to me to ask any alcoholic/addict how happy they were at the height of their addiction. Has anyone had this experience (married addicts) and how did it go for you? Are two people in addiction happy together? Thanks.

2granddaughters

Below X 2 ......




All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

I think you should stop worrying about whether they're happy, said - he's an ex - right or wrong, fair or not, he's moved on.

My advice is to focus more about whether you're happy and, if not, how to get there

D

Mark75

@ Bob R.....Looks like the prototype for the Jellnick curve, about a 100 years earlier... What's that about the Big Book being out dated???

Said

I am just asking the question for personal reasons, i.e. would we have stayed together if I had continued using, and is that what I wanted: him and using or my health and sanity and would that have ultimately made me happy. I was just surveying people for "real life" experience, because I think my "moving on" hinges somewhat on being able to flesh this question out and make it o.k. with me, in my head. Maybe I'm being too analytical.
Does being an alcoholic/addict married to same constitute "moving on"?

Dee74

He's moved on...but moving on isn't always moving on to something good.
It just means he's in a different place now.

I can't guarantee you how other peoples lives will turn out, or how yours might have turned out under different circumstances...noone can...

but I don't know of anything good that comes of using, either using alone or in tandem with someone else.

Personally, if it helps, I think you've probably judged a bullet.

D

Said

That is really all I am looking for, I think, just a little validation around the "facts" he presented to me: that I am sick and they will be "happy and healthy".
If he only wanted me if I used with him, then that's not a relationship I want to be in.
I think my head has been twisted on wrong from all the lies I've heard from the alcoholic.
Thanks for your imput, Dee, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Tuffgirl

Said, I believe you already know the answer to your question you posted above. Two people in the throes of their own addictions aren't having a "happy relationship", nor are they "happy and healthy". And he said what he said to you to be mean and cruel. I agree with Dee, you dodged a bullet with this one, and are free to move onto your own true happy and healthy relationship!

Peace,
~T

Said

You know, I think that I do know, intellectually, but after years of having your spirit and your soul broken down systematically by the addict, you'll believe almost anything they'll tell you.
Again, a little validation can go a long way to someone crawling out of the deepest, blackest hole they've ever found themselves in.
I will not let that happen to me again.
Thanks, Tuffgirl.

Tuffgirl

Thing is, Said, you need to validate yourself. Sure, it helps to hear others support your position, but really, finding your own support inside yourself is key to being emotionally healthy. Know your truth. No one has the power to "make" you anything (be it sad, mad, worthless, etc). Own your own power...you certainly showed it by walking out on this loser in the first place.

I posted this on your F&F thread, but think it bears repeating. Choose to accept reality and stop analyzing this into something it isn't. And part of that acceptance is finding pride in yourself for having boundaries, which you honored. Accept that you are way stronger than you feel right now. And way smarter to refuse to get saddled with an active addict! And then go find yourself a wonderful man who will treat you with respect and consideration. ; ) You get to do that - your ex's new wife is stuck with him now. Some day you might thank her for taking him off your hands.

Threshold

Yeah, I wouldn't put too much worth into his evaluation of things, us active addicts/alcoholics are not paragons of good judgement.

Maybe HE is happier with a partner as messed up as he is because it allows him to live in the sick delusion and denial longer.

But you want something better for yourself, and now you have the chance to find it!

happy New Year!

youbetcha

I've found that we usually get what we're looking for. If I'm still comfortable around chaotic, addictive, unavailable people, then that's what I end up looking for in a mate. The change starts with us.

Said

No where in my posts does it say he "made me" anything. I am well aware of this concept of blaming others for all of your problems, and guard against it with vigilence. If you have ever lived with an addict or been to an Al-Anon meeting, you know the feeling (from ODAT pg. 134) "we know we are being "torn down" usually by the drinker's own guilt and self-reproach. This has left us without a shred of self-esteem. We come in as nobodies and we desperately want to be somebodies". They also talk about "loving you until you can love yourself ". That was all I was referring to.
I appreciate your support around boundaries and personal power. You make a strong arguement. I've had several people mention "finding a wonderful man" etc., but to me, this does not seem like the real prize. It was men that got me into trouble in the first place. I now have many wonderful female friends who are beautiful and soulful and deep, and always there for me. I have a good job and a mountain bike to ride, and when I come home from meetings in the evening, I lie on the couch in my p.j.s (something I was not "allowed" to wear before) and read a book of fiction (something I was not "allowed" to do before) with my wonderful cat on my lap. I believe in a higher power. It's just that sometimes I need a reality check from others who are more earthbound. That's not a crime, is it?

Said

Thank YOU, Threshhold. And Happy New Year to you.