My Nightmare
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Montana
Posts: 16
My Nightmare
When I first found SR I was beaten (not literally) by my addiction. I was happy to have so many days under my belt because I was literally struggling to get there. It was over a year ago. I was a complete mess.
Today, I'm a complete mess again. I am on the verge of divorce. My last drunk consisted of me making a complete ass of myself in public. My husband says he doesn't hate me but he has a lot of anger towards me. I will tell you what I remember.
The week before we had went to Pittsburgh to watch our beloved Steeler's play at Heinz field. This was a dream of his and I was happy to be a part of that. We enjoyed every minute of it. Our friends (work buddies) were on hand to make it an extra special time for us.
When we got home I had came down with the flu. It was short lived and I quickly recovered within a day or two. Then one night I suggested we go have a burger at one of our favorite local bars because I was tired from all the work we had to get done in the previous days. One drink led to two and two led to ten drinks.
We get home and I get a call from my sister that she needed a ride. She was having a bad couple of weeks and I felt horrible I couldn't be there for her. We weren't raised together and I always felt guilty that I wasn't a part of her life growing up. My husband passes out early like he always does. I decide to go meet her down at the local bar in town. She finally arrives and she is in a bad mood. I try my best to make her feel better but I can tell she is obviously very angry. Her boyfriend comes in and sits behind her. She completely clams up and I asked her what was wrong. She said he was the reason she was in jail for the past week. I really thought they got a long great so I tried to encourage them to talk. Typical drunk Deanna...getting involved where I shouldn't. I turn to visit my girlfriend who shows up and we are having a grand old time. When I turn around to check on my sister she is gone and only her boyfriend is sitting there. I tell him everything will be okay and continue to visit my girlfriend. I didn't notice that he sat beside me the whole evening since the bar was getting more and more patrons that were coming in. I asked him if he could watch my purse while I went to go smoke with my girlfriend and I honestly don't remember much after that.
I get bits and pieces that come back to me. I remember it was time to go and my girlfriend offered me a ride home since I was obviously too drunk to drive. I don't know why he ended up carrying me out. All I know is that I remember he kissed me and my girlfriend told him to leave me alone. She tried to kick him out of the car and he said he would leave me alone.
I wake up and my husband is furious because someone had told him that I was screwing my sister's boyfriend. We live in a small town. I know my girlfriend made sure I got home. My husband has every right to be mad and he says my only ultimatum is that I go to treatment...if we are to have a chance for a future. He says he will divorce me if I don't go. One thing I forgot to mention to him about it all was that my sister's boyfriend stole all the money out of my purse that night and I am the talk of the town. I humiliated not only my husband but myself as well.
It's been a week since I've taken a drink. I am devastated and humiliated. If I could crawl under a rock I would. I contemplated suicide more than once. I decided that treatment is the best option for me. I decided that I would go to treatment the day I woke up to the recent mess I created for myself. My husband has been staying numb to it all since he has a lot going on for business opportunities. I forgot to mention that he is a functional alcoholic.
I am ready to quit this lifestyle. My self esteem is so low. I am at my bottom. It is the best place for me to be because I'm afraid I'm going to wake up in jail one day...not knowing how I got there. Then the jailer is going to come by and say...congratulations...you've just managed to kill someone because you were drinking and driving last night.
Today, I'm a complete mess again. I am on the verge of divorce. My last drunk consisted of me making a complete ass of myself in public. My husband says he doesn't hate me but he has a lot of anger towards me. I will tell you what I remember.
The week before we had went to Pittsburgh to watch our beloved Steeler's play at Heinz field. This was a dream of his and I was happy to be a part of that. We enjoyed every minute of it. Our friends (work buddies) were on hand to make it an extra special time for us.
When we got home I had came down with the flu. It was short lived and I quickly recovered within a day or two. Then one night I suggested we go have a burger at one of our favorite local bars because I was tired from all the work we had to get done in the previous days. One drink led to two and two led to ten drinks.
We get home and I get a call from my sister that she needed a ride. She was having a bad couple of weeks and I felt horrible I couldn't be there for her. We weren't raised together and I always felt guilty that I wasn't a part of her life growing up. My husband passes out early like he always does. I decide to go meet her down at the local bar in town. She finally arrives and she is in a bad mood. I try my best to make her feel better but I can tell she is obviously very angry. Her boyfriend comes in and sits behind her. She completely clams up and I asked her what was wrong. She said he was the reason she was in jail for the past week. I really thought they got a long great so I tried to encourage them to talk. Typical drunk Deanna...getting involved where I shouldn't. I turn to visit my girlfriend who shows up and we are having a grand old time. When I turn around to check on my sister she is gone and only her boyfriend is sitting there. I tell him everything will be okay and continue to visit my girlfriend. I didn't notice that he sat beside me the whole evening since the bar was getting more and more patrons that were coming in. I asked him if he could watch my purse while I went to go smoke with my girlfriend and I honestly don't remember much after that.
I get bits and pieces that come back to me. I remember it was time to go and my girlfriend offered me a ride home since I was obviously too drunk to drive. I don't know why he ended up carrying me out. All I know is that I remember he kissed me and my girlfriend told him to leave me alone. She tried to kick him out of the car and he said he would leave me alone.
I wake up and my husband is furious because someone had told him that I was screwing my sister's boyfriend. We live in a small town. I know my girlfriend made sure I got home. My husband has every right to be mad and he says my only ultimatum is that I go to treatment...if we are to have a chance for a future. He says he will divorce me if I don't go. One thing I forgot to mention to him about it all was that my sister's boyfriend stole all the money out of my purse that night and I am the talk of the town. I humiliated not only my husband but myself as well.
It's been a week since I've taken a drink. I am devastated and humiliated. If I could crawl under a rock I would. I contemplated suicide more than once. I decided that treatment is the best option for me. I decided that I would go to treatment the day I woke up to the recent mess I created for myself. My husband has been staying numb to it all since he has a lot going on for business opportunities. I forgot to mention that he is a functional alcoholic.
I am ready to quit this lifestyle. My self esteem is so low. I am at my bottom. It is the best place for me to be because I'm afraid I'm going to wake up in jail one day...not knowing how I got there. Then the jailer is going to come by and say...congratulations...you've just managed to kill someone because you were drinking and driving last night.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I'm sorry you're feeling so low first.
How soon is treatment?
Please do keep this link handy - lots of very useful reading and a host of crisis line numbers should you need them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Try and not let despair overwhelm you - whatever happened in the past, you're trying your best to sort out your life now...things can and do work out so long as we work on our recovery
D
How soon is treatment?
Please do keep this link handy - lots of very useful reading and a host of crisis line numbers should you need them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Try and not let despair overwhelm you - whatever happened in the past, you're trying your best to sort out your life now...things can and do work out so long as we work on our recovery
D
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I can identify with that sense of despair, humiliation and wanting to crawl under a rock. I wish I could say it's happened only once. But as alcoholics with a progressive fatal disease, things only get worse for us. And perhaps this is where you get out on that descending elevator.
Treatment is where I started my recovery. I haven't had a drink since, so I hope that you have the same result.
It may not feel like it now, but these low feelings and suicidal thoughts will and do fade once we start to find sobriety. Healthy sobriety. I wish you the best in your treatment.
Treatment is where I started my recovery. I haven't had a drink since, so I hope that you have the same result.
It may not feel like it now, but these low feelings and suicidal thoughts will and do fade once we start to find sobriety. Healthy sobriety. I wish you the best in your treatment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
