Sidney14

and wating to see what the outcome of the conversation between my psychiatrist and my boss + HR was. I know I have no control over it, but it is in the back of my mind. My boss concern as he expressed it over the phone was more like to see how to get me started back at work, work stress level wise etc.............. I do the serenity prayer,,,,,,,,,,but obviously my subconcious mind is tagling it ever since I was put on a 3 months forced leave,

I do struggle not working I am ok having a week or two off but not this much time plus I do not see it as something positive, since it makes me concentrate just on myself......selfish me, also makes me moddy, feel lost, frustrated, spending way too much money the whole thing is crazy enough,,,and quite depressing I should be grateful to have so much time off instead each day is different, when I am busy all day I am ok when I spend a day at home it hits me..............I am also not a home person house person as so to speak I do exercise do positive affirmation etc...I dont know............

instant

Hope the outcome is what you need.

paul99

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

For me, working and other things that took up my time were really distractions from looking at myself. Perhaps that is why when you work you are ok. It's in the quiet, alone times that our emotions, fears, anger, etc. come more to the forefront, and of course, gives us the itchy trigger finger for a bottle or two. Spending money, gambling, sex, food...these are common replacements for alcohol, because it's another way to get out of ourselves and to dull the unease and pain and the causes and conditions that take us to the drink.

If you're in an program of recovery, you will find these things will start to reduce and/or go away. You can be in a place where sitting on your own isn't torture - all those frustrations, fears, etc. slip away. You can be comfortable in your own skin.

But you are correct - it's not in your hands, and whatever happens, is meant to happen. It's how you react to and grow from this experience that is important.

I wish you the best and hope it goes well

Sidney14

Thanks.......I am in a recovery program, in my other previous relapses I would go back to work within a week of them, and eventhough it caused me anxiety the first couple of days, it helped with my recovery...........

I can sit with myself for an hour or two even read a book now and absorb what I am reading, I know I can't control everything or anyone, not even my daughters, in the past it was alcohol, I have been off it for two and a half years now, I replaced it during a very hard time with two months of xanax plus I took an upper which was a weightloss pill, which had me going and going, I basically took xanax to come down from the high, because somedays the weightloss pill would make me really jittery so having this up and down for two months played around with my brain quite a lot, no wonder I was not functioning at work.......
hence this recovery is very different from my last, now if I take a valium (they have me on antidepressants and a valium reduction regime) it makes me extremely tired, whereas before with the weightloss drug that and the xanax had me functioning or so I thought...........

MythOfSisyphus

I hope it works out okay for you. I'm great at work, things don't hit me til I'm bored. Sometimes I don't know what to do with down time. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

robgt350

hope it goes your way.