Those Who Hurt Us More Than They Help In Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: RSM, CA
Posts: 10
Those Who Hurt Us More Than They Help In Recovery
I am a recovering alcoholic/ addict. This is my 2nd time around. The first time, I went to AA for a couple of weeks and as soon as I started feeling better, I believed I didn't need AA. As soon as I quit going, I told my self I didn't really have a problem, I just had been going through a lot. That I was able to stop proved that I didn't have a problem. I relapsed, it wasn't pretty...
The 2nd time around, I really believe I have a problem and I'm ready to deal with it. I'm ready to commit to AA, I'm also in individual therapy, I read everything I can get my hands on. I'm thinking about my addiction constantly and have vowed to fix this.
My boyfriend almost left me after the relapse. He agreed to stay and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me if I commit to recovering which I have.
This week, I was ill, kids had dental appointments, friends visiting from out of town, etc. I missed a few meetings. I never once told myself I was going to drink or use. I didn't even feel like drinking or using even after a horrible argument with my son.
My BF however was furious. He said I promised I would work on this and that by skipping meetings, I wasn't doing that. I fully understand that he's afraid I'll relapse, but I wasn't anywhere near that and the manner he approached the issue really hurt my feelings and really made me feel bad about myself.
I tried to explain that I understood his fears but his approach was hurtful and he claimed I was slipping back into that mindset and could feel a relapse coming. That I had set that pattern and by saying he hurt my feelings, I was twisting things in that alcoholic mindset, because that's what alcoholics do.
I had been feeling so positive about my progress, I have been working the steps, even when I missed the meetings, and was feeling proud of myself. Now I just feel awful.
How can I explain to him that alcoholics are still allowed to say they have hurt feelings without it being my fault for being alcoholic?
The 2nd time around, I really believe I have a problem and I'm ready to deal with it. I'm ready to commit to AA, I'm also in individual therapy, I read everything I can get my hands on. I'm thinking about my addiction constantly and have vowed to fix this.
My boyfriend almost left me after the relapse. He agreed to stay and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me if I commit to recovering which I have.
This week, I was ill, kids had dental appointments, friends visiting from out of town, etc. I missed a few meetings. I never once told myself I was going to drink or use. I didn't even feel like drinking or using even after a horrible argument with my son.
My BF however was furious. He said I promised I would work on this and that by skipping meetings, I wasn't doing that. I fully understand that he's afraid I'll relapse, but I wasn't anywhere near that and the manner he approached the issue really hurt my feelings and really made me feel bad about myself.
I tried to explain that I understood his fears but his approach was hurtful and he claimed I was slipping back into that mindset and could feel a relapse coming. That I had set that pattern and by saying he hurt my feelings, I was twisting things in that alcoholic mindset, because that's what alcoholics do.
I had been feeling so positive about my progress, I have been working the steps, even when I missed the meetings, and was feeling proud of myself. Now I just feel awful.
How can I explain to him that alcoholics are still allowed to say they have hurt feelings without it being my fault for being alcoholic?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi again walkingonglass
I think early recovery is a rough time for everyone involved - it may be even a little tougher in a way for our loved ones cos they're outside the bubble of experience - they may not really understand whats going on.
I think too, if you're like me, you drank for a long time and probably made all the promises and then let some people down....more than once.
I'm not saying this is your fault...but I am saying it takes time for wounds to heal and trust to be re-established.
And, rightly or not, it's not us that sets that timetable for other people - it takes what it takes.
Don't lose hope - sounds like you're doing all the right things.
It takes a little bit of give and take, a little understanding - and a lot of communication.
Keep talking to your bf - hopefully eventually he'll relax and see you are indeed working hard on your recovery.
Maybe you can even suggest he check out Al Anon for his own recovery?
D
I think early recovery is a rough time for everyone involved - it may be even a little tougher in a way for our loved ones cos they're outside the bubble of experience - they may not really understand whats going on.
I think too, if you're like me, you drank for a long time and probably made all the promises and then let some people down....more than once.
I'm not saying this is your fault...but I am saying it takes time for wounds to heal and trust to be re-established.
And, rightly or not, it's not us that sets that timetable for other people - it takes what it takes.
Don't lose hope - sounds like you're doing all the right things.
It takes a little bit of give and take, a little understanding - and a lot of communication.
Keep talking to your bf - hopefully eventually he'll relax and see you are indeed working hard on your recovery.
Maybe you can even suggest he check out Al Anon for his own recovery?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by walkingonglass 
I am a recovering alcoholic/ addict. This is my 2nd time around. The first time, I went to AA for a couple of weeks and as soon as I started feeling better, I believed I didn't need AA. As soon as I quit going, I told my self I didn't really have a problem, I just had been going through a lot. That I was able to stop proved that I didn't have a problem. I relapsed, it wasn't pretty...
The 2nd time around, I really believe I have a problem and I'm ready to deal with it. I'm ready to commit to AA, I'm also in individual therapy, I read everything I can get my hands on. I'm thinking about my addiction constantly and have vowed to fix this.
My boyfriend almost left me after the relapse. He agreed to stay and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me if I commit to recovering which I have.
This week, I was ill, kids had dental appointments, friends visiting from out of town, etc. I missed a few meetings. I never once told myself I was going to drink or use. I didn't even feel like drinking or using even after a horrible argument with my son.
My BF however was furious. He said I promised I would work on this and that by skipping meetings, I wasn't doing that. I fully understand that he's afraid I'll relapse, but I wasn't anywhere near that and the manner he approached the issue really hurt my feelings and really made me feel bad about myself.
I tried to explain that I understood his fears but his approach was hurtful and he claimed I was slipping back into that mindset and could feel a relapse coming. That I had set that pattern and by saying he hurt my feelings, I was twisting things in that alcoholic mindset, because that's what alcoholics do.
I had been feeling so positive about my progress, I have been working the steps, even when I missed the meetings, and was feeling proud of myself. Now I just feel awful.
How can I explain to him that alcoholics are still allowed to say they have hurt feelings without it being my fault for being alcoholic?
The 2nd time around, I really believe I have a problem and I'm ready to deal with it. I'm ready to commit to AA, I'm also in individual therapy, I read everything I can get my hands on. I'm thinking about my addiction constantly and have vowed to fix this.
My boyfriend almost left me after the relapse. He agreed to stay and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me if I commit to recovering which I have.
This week, I was ill, kids had dental appointments, friends visiting from out of town, etc. I missed a few meetings. I never once told myself I was going to drink or use. I didn't even feel like drinking or using even after a horrible argument with my son.
My BF however was furious. He said I promised I would work on this and that by skipping meetings, I wasn't doing that. I fully understand that he's afraid I'll relapse, but I wasn't anywhere near that and the manner he approached the issue really hurt my feelings and really made me feel bad about myself.
I tried to explain that I understood his fears but his approach was hurtful and he claimed I was slipping back into that mindset and could feel a relapse coming. That I had set that pattern and by saying he hurt my feelings, I was twisting things in that alcoholic mindset, because that's what alcoholics do.
I had been feeling so positive about my progress, I have been working the steps, even when I missed the meetings, and was feeling proud of myself. Now I just feel awful.
How can I explain to him that alcoholics are still allowed to say they have hurt feelings without it being my fault for being alcoholic?
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Early recovery is a very stressful time for relationships. But people do get through it and you can to.
Maybe when things get as crazy as they have this week, you could ask your bf for help. If he could drive the kids or make dinner or help out with your friends, he would better understand what is going on with you. And asking for help when things go out of control is something recovering people do.
Maybe when things get as crazy as they have this week, you could ask your bf for help. If he could drive the kids or make dinner or help out with your friends, he would better understand what is going on with you. And asking for help when things go out of control is something recovering people do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by miamifella
Early recovery is a very stressful time for relationships. But people do get through it and you can to.
Maybe when things get as crazy as they have this week, you could ask your bf for help. If he could drive the kids or make dinner or help out with your friends, he would better understand what is going on with you. And asking for help when things go out of control is something recovering people do.
Maybe when things get as crazy as they have this week, you could ask your bf for help. If he could drive the kids or make dinner or help out with your friends, he would better understand what is going on with you. And asking for help when things go out of control is something recovering people do.
If that's too much for him maybe he is not stong enough for you. Whatever you do, do not allow HIM to make you feel bad about yourself. He has no idea what you are dealing with, he is not the alcoholic ---what does he know.
Stay strong--succeed on Your terms no one else's.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Yes, early recovery is definitely a stressful time for all involved. I was frustrated numerous times because I wanted the trust to be there, and it wasn't. In fact, it took a long time to regain the trust and learning patience was one of the hardest lessons in recovery for me. I agree with Miamifella, that asking for help is important.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 37
OH BOY! I can totally relate. I have been trying to stay sober for about 7 months and I am currently sober, but some days I definitely feel like the people I expect to support me in sobriety are working against me.
Whether it is by ignoring my feelings or concerns, or by drinking in front of me. Loved ones can do and say some very hurtful things.
This can compound the problem and even enable a drinker to drink more. I just realized if I give in to the will to drink or start feeling sorry for myself, I am only hurting myself more. Which I am truly sick of doing.
This may not have be very helpful to you, or encouraging.
But I thought that things would get better when I decided to quit. I was wrong, initially they got worse and it took some time, but I haven't quit trying to stay sober and things are getting better slowly.
Whether it is by ignoring my feelings or concerns, or by drinking in front of me. Loved ones can do and say some very hurtful things.
This can compound the problem and even enable a drinker to drink more. I just realized if I give in to the will to drink or start feeling sorry for myself, I am only hurting myself more. Which I am truly sick of doing.
This may not have be very helpful to you, or encouraging.
But I thought that things would get better when I decided to quit. I was wrong, initially they got worse and it took some time, but I haven't quit trying to stay sober and things are getting better slowly.
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