Sober but Girlfriend drinks in front of me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Sober but Girlfriend drinks in front of me
Hello forum,
It's been around two months that I have been 100% sober. It's been a tough road but I'm learning a lot of stuff about myself.
One of my hardest problems right now is my girlfriend. I understand I can't make people stop drinking nor do I want to. When I first started my recovery, she asked if it was fine for her to drink. I said it was but just asked that she not drink in front of me or at dinner… I asked her to just go to the kitchen and have her shot(s). She said ok. I only asked this because right now it's easier for my recovery to live in a world without alcohol in my face so that I can learn what life is without it without the feeling that I'm "missing out." I know eventually I'll be able to interact in situations with alcohol and be sober.
However, she has only done this once (the next time she drank). She then got back into the old routine of drinking at the coffee table in the living room as we watch TV. I've again asked her a couple times to not drink directly in front of me, but last night she goes and starts pouring herself a shot and drinking a shot as she is sitting on my lap. I vented my frustrations to her but she doesn't seem to understand my frustration about this. (BTW she has a problem with alcohol too, but I gotta focus on my recovery first)
Is it right for me to feel slightly disrespected or feel that she doesn't care about my problem when she drinks in front of me? What should I do? Or should I just man up and accept this as what non-alcoholics do?
It's been around two months that I have been 100% sober. It's been a tough road but I'm learning a lot of stuff about myself.
One of my hardest problems right now is my girlfriend. I understand I can't make people stop drinking nor do I want to. When I first started my recovery, she asked if it was fine for her to drink. I said it was but just asked that she not drink in front of me or at dinner… I asked her to just go to the kitchen and have her shot(s). She said ok. I only asked this because right now it's easier for my recovery to live in a world without alcohol in my face so that I can learn what life is without it without the feeling that I'm "missing out." I know eventually I'll be able to interact in situations with alcohol and be sober.
However, she has only done this once (the next time she drank). She then got back into the old routine of drinking at the coffee table in the living room as we watch TV. I've again asked her a couple times to not drink directly in front of me, but last night she goes and starts pouring herself a shot and drinking a shot as she is sitting on my lap. I vented my frustrations to her but she doesn't seem to understand my frustration about this. (BTW she has a problem with alcohol too, but I gotta focus on my recovery first)
Is it right for me to feel slightly disrespected or feel that she doesn't care about my problem when she drinks in front of me? What should I do? Or should I just man up and accept this as what non-alcoholics do?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by onthewaythere 
Is it right for me to feel slightly disrespected or feel that she doesn't care about my problem when she drinks in front of me? What should I do? Or should I just man up and accept this as what non-alcoholics do?
I also learned that I don't get to beat other people up with my feelings or because of them. I have the right to be angry for instance, but I don't get the right to start taking that anger out on someone else.
As for what you should do - truly, that is up to you to decide....which seems really unhelpful I know. But it's like this: I know that in my field I am worth at least $30/hour. If my boss decides to pay me only $15/hr...what do I do? Up to me. Quit and try to find another job because I'm not being paid what I'm worth or keep the job because that $15/hr is crucial to me right now, or because I undervalue myself, or because I haven't learned to ask for what I need (I know that you did ask for what you need in this situation), etc.
You made a request. She is choosing not to honor that request. That is absolutely her right. You now have a right to accept the behavior or not. If you choose not to, it may be that you'll have to remove yourself from the relationship. Two tough choices.
I can tell you this: As time went on and I developed a healthier lifestyle and my self worth and esteem rose - I found that I surrounded myself with people who lifted me up and discarded those who did not.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
I think it is very rude and disrespectful of her to do that. I realize you have asked her to not do it in front of you, but seems like she isn't respecting that initial request at all.
What legna said about surrounding yourself by others who share the same goals (sobriety) as you do. Are you doing anything like this? I find it to be so much more productive and worth-while if I am doing that.
What legna said about surrounding yourself by others who share the same goals (sobriety) as you do. Are you doing anything like this? I find it to be so much more productive and worth-while if I am doing that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
This is a tough one. When I first quit, I asked my husband not to drink in front of me for 30 days; he honored that request for 30 days and even a bit longer (for a while after the 30 days, he would always ask if I minded if he drank.)
He now does drink in front of me occasionally, but is very considerate about it. He will have a glass of wine if we are out for dinner sometimes, but if he's going to drink at home, he usually waits until I go to bed, or am somewhere else in the house.
I honestly don't know if I could have gotten this far if he had been acting the way your girlfriend is acting.
For me, sobriety has to come first... are you willing to put your sobriety first? If so, you may have to have a tough conversation with her.
He now does drink in front of me occasionally, but is very considerate about it. He will have a glass of wine if we are out for dinner sometimes, but if he's going to drink at home, he usually waits until I go to bed, or am somewhere else in the house.
I honestly don't know if I could have gotten this far if he had been acting the way your girlfriend is acting.
For me, sobriety has to come first... are you willing to put your sobriety first? If so, you may have to have a tough conversation with her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I can more then relate. I was sober this summer and tried to get back with a girlfriend I really liked. She was drinking rye in my face. I said it was ok then decided to breakup with her. Hardest thing I ever had to do. But you are right to feel disrespected. I can still see myself kissing her with that booze smell she had. ;-(
I ended up in the worst relaps ever. I'm back now on my feel but I know I will never be with an alcoholic or someone that drinks every day. Once in a while is fine, but in moderation. I just can't smell booze anymore.
All the best. Hope she wakes up, you are a good guy, and have a lot of courage
I ended up in the worst relaps ever. I'm back now on my feel but I know I will never be with an alcoholic or someone that drinks every day. Once in a while is fine, but in moderation. I just can't smell booze anymore.
All the best. Hope she wakes up, you are a good guy, and have a lot of courage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
I guess I am realizing my sobriety is more important than her. I have completely changed my lifestyle over the past few months and have found new sober activities.
She's not interested in doing much but drinking... which is what we both used to do, so that's understandable. Even going to places like a cafe is hard because she brings vodka with her.
I remember when I first got sober... she started hanging with an old girlfriend of hers saying that "I'm just using her to drink with until you can come out and get one or two drinks with me."
When she started doing the shots last night, it was because her girlfriend called and she started doing shots on the phone and passed out. It's as if the party was going on but she was stuck at home with sober me.
It's as if she doesn't get I have a problem or something. As I get more sober, I think I need to reevaluate her. Like I said to her too, I don't mind her drinking but this is like no respect.
She's not interested in doing much but drinking... which is what we both used to do, so that's understandable. Even going to places like a cafe is hard because she brings vodka with her.
I remember when I first got sober... she started hanging with an old girlfriend of hers saying that "I'm just using her to drink with until you can come out and get one or two drinks with me."
When she started doing the shots last night, it was because her girlfriend called and she started doing shots on the phone and passed out. It's as if the party was going on but she was stuck at home with sober me.
It's as if she doesn't get I have a problem or something. As I get more sober, I think I need to reevaluate her. Like I said to her too, I don't mind her drinking but this is like no respect.
Colts!
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 41
Posts on here are what gave me the courage to stop dealing with the BS my gf was throwing at me. I can't go out and drink so she would without me, which was fine, but then would come back drunk and be disrespectful. As I gain more and more sobriety, my self-esteem, self-worth and desire to be respected go up. I told my girlfriend that I would not tolerate the disrespect any longer, and true to my word, we are no longer together. What can you live with, what is a deal-breaker? Don't make a quick decision, but think about it for a few days, roll it around ion your head. Do you want to be treated this way? If not, then you have to be very up front and honest. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I too agree that her actions aren't suitable for your sobriety and show a lack of understanding on her part in how important this is for you.
Having said that, and speaking of understanding, if she is one of us (and from what you say points to that possibility), then the understanding must come that she is in a place that you were not too long ago. I know for myself that no matter how much I promised myself I wouldn't drink under whatever conditions I promised myself (before driving, in front of my son, at work, etc), I broke that promise pretty quickly. No amount of frothy emotional appeals work for us alcoholics.
So this might be the case with your girlfriend.
But as mentioned, how you react to this is in your court, and no one can really make the choice for you. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.
Protect your sobriety
Having said that, and speaking of understanding, if she is one of us (and from what you say points to that possibility), then the understanding must come that she is in a place that you were not too long ago. I know for myself that no matter how much I promised myself I wouldn't drink under whatever conditions I promised myself (before driving, in front of my son, at work, etc), I broke that promise pretty quickly. No amount of frothy emotional appeals work for us alcoholics.
So this might be the case with your girlfriend.
But as mentioned, how you react to this is in your court, and no one can really make the choice for you. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.
Protect your sobriety
Colts!
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 41
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-relapser.html
Good info in that thread.
legna always has something insightful to say:
Good info in that thread.
legna always has something insightful to say:
Originally Posted by legna
I have been sitting here at my monitor, looking at your post and complicating things for some time now. My question to you would be this:
Let's say that you engaged in risking sexual behavior while you were drinking and passed a few STD's along the line but now that you are sober have decided to take better care of yourself and you have decided that includes wearing some sort of protection when you engage in sex. Would it be hypocritical to require your partners in sobriety to engage in safe sex with you as well? If they refused to wear a condom would it be wrong to refuse to allow them to infect you with whatever STD they are harboring?
That said, let me ask you a question:
If a friend of yours is standing on the edge of a 1000 foot cliff and asks you which landing do you think he should attempt: landing on his feet on the rocky surface below or attempt a belly flop...what do you say?
Ultimately, his initial decision to jump is so abysmal that it disallows any significant solutions to the problem he has chosen. If you're like me, you probably would hate to answer because any answer you can give is going to cause your friend a world of hurt if he's not willing to listen to your suggestion that he simply not jump.
It's a set up.
Let's say that you engaged in risking sexual behavior while you were drinking and passed a few STD's along the line but now that you are sober have decided to take better care of yourself and you have decided that includes wearing some sort of protection when you engage in sex. Would it be hypocritical to require your partners in sobriety to engage in safe sex with you as well? If they refused to wear a condom would it be wrong to refuse to allow them to infect you with whatever STD they are harboring?
That said, let me ask you a question:
If a friend of yours is standing on the edge of a 1000 foot cliff and asks you which landing do you think he should attempt: landing on his feet on the rocky surface below or attempt a belly flop...what do you say?
Ultimately, his initial decision to jump is so abysmal that it disallows any significant solutions to the problem he has chosen. If you're like me, you probably would hate to answer because any answer you can give is going to cause your friend a world of hurt if he's not willing to listen to your suggestion that he simply not jump.
It's a set up.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hm....just thinking if i were her, what would i be doing?? ah, i'd be drinking in your face on your lap cause i want my drinking buddy back. cause without drinking together...what the hell is between us?
and in any case, if YOU manage sobriety, no matter how i shove drinking me into your face, then: how can i feel okay about my own drinking to pass-out?? i mean, gee, it might look like i had some kind of problem...and in any case, YOU, sober one, are changing, away from me, the drunk one, and so...if i don't want to change, i better try to get you back just the way you were...
just imagining, you understand. no idea if that's where she's coming from.
in any case, her behaviour is more than disrespectful. it's an active undermining.
way to go on staying sober through those scenarios! sorry about the tough choices ahead. keep going.
and in any case, if YOU manage sobriety, no matter how i shove drinking me into your face, then: how can i feel okay about my own drinking to pass-out?? i mean, gee, it might look like i had some kind of problem...and in any case, YOU, sober one, are changing, away from me, the drunk one, and so...if i don't want to change, i better try to get you back just the way you were...
just imagining, you understand. no idea if that's where she's coming from.
in any case, her behaviour is more than disrespectful. it's an active undermining.
way to go on staying sober through those scenarios! sorry about the tough choices ahead. keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Thanks for ALL the replies! I wasn't expecting so many responses... it makes me confident and feel good to feel the way I do with the support.
I think the above post from fini sums up my feelings. I feel she is realizing she has a problem too but she isn't upto fixing it and is more interested in living the same lifestyle.
We spoke about this after I had posted my original post and we'll see if she treats my goal better. I straight up told her I'm done trying here as staying sober is the most important thing to me and that she should clean herself up. That was a hard hit for her to hear, but everything else that is negative in my life has been cut out for improvement and I'm know this could be too if she's not interested in stepping it up.
I think the above post from fini sums up my feelings. I feel she is realizing she has a problem too but she isn't upto fixing it and is more interested in living the same lifestyle.
We spoke about this after I had posted my original post and we'll see if she treats my goal better. I straight up told her I'm done trying here as staying sober is the most important thing to me and that she should clean herself up. That was a hard hit for her to hear, but everything else that is negative in my life has been cut out for improvement and I'm know this could be too if she's not interested in stepping it up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
I would feel the same as you.
If it was every now and then, or if she did it away from you (which for me would be hard enough) I could accept it. But this behaviour I could not as I know at this point, I would drink again soon if my partner drank like that in front of me.
Tough situation indeed. All the best to you......I hope she can understand and maybe even deal with her issues too. But you are right, focus on yourself!
If it was every now and then, or if she did it away from you (which for me would be hard enough) I could accept it. But this behaviour I could not as I know at this point, I would drink again soon if my partner drank like that in front of me.
Tough situation indeed. All the best to you......I hope she can understand and maybe even deal with her issues too. But you are right, focus on yourself!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
I'm fine around alcohol, as long as I'm the one not drinking it.
My wife rarely drinks...like hardly ever, so I don't have to deal with this issue too often.
Then again, wine and beer are in my home and I'm not tempted.
Everyone is different.
My wife rarely drinks...like hardly ever, so I don't have to deal with this issue too often.
Then again, wine and beer are in my home and I'm not tempted.
Everyone is different.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Ugh, I'm a bit aggravated. She has a friend in from out of town and asked me out to dinner with them. I asked if she was planning on drinking and she said "probably but very light." I replied that I rather her just stay sober or I'll skip out and come by after. Also, she was plastered the other night hanging out with her friend, so she got that out already.
I hate sounding like this and it stresses me. I'm starting to feel she really doesn't care if she wants to give me a call later today to discuss this. I don't think she even enjoys my company at this point to be honest.
I hate sounding like this and it stresses me. I'm starting to feel she really doesn't care if she wants to give me a call later today to discuss this. I don't think she even enjoys my company at this point to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Thank you for your post as it really rang true with me. My partner is in hospital with liver problems and although he sadly won't come home he was sure (as I am) that he wouldn't drink again. He was worrying about how much I drink and I knew I should stop for him but I would have found it difficult not to have a glass of wine with dinner or when we went out as I recognise that I am beginning to have a problem with alcohol myself. It's not that she doesn't want to abstain for you or that she doesn't respect you or care. You know what alcohol does.
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by onthewaythere
Ugh, I'm a bit aggravated. She has a friend in from out of town and asked me out to dinner with them. I asked if she was planning on drinking and she said "probably but very light." I replied that I rather her just stay sober or I'll skip out and come by after. Also, she was plastered the other night hanging out with her friend, so she got that out already.
I hate sounding like this and it stresses me. I'm starting to feel she really doesn't care if she wants to give me a call later today to discuss this. I don't think she even enjoys my company at this point to be honest.
I hate sounding like this and it stresses me. I'm starting to feel she really doesn't care if she wants to give me a call later today to discuss this. I don't think she even enjoys my company at this point to be honest.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by onthewaythere
I hate sounding like this and it stresses me. I'm starting to feel she really doesn't care if she wants to give me a call later today to discuss this. I don't think she even enjoys my company at this point to be honest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
We spoke and I decided to skip dinner. I asked her if she could just stay sober for the night and she said she can't control what her friend does. I simply said that I know we can't ask her friend not to drink and I'm not asking her to. I was just asking for my comfort so that I don't want to be a third wheel at dinner while they're relaxing/buzzed. She then asked me again to come and said "what about just a glass of wine?" I don't get it because last night she had no problem not drinking at dinner with her brother and this friend... she wanted me to be proud of her last night for this.
I suppose this just leads me to my decision on where this relationship is headed. Sucks but I feel trying to rebuild this may just be more work and less rewarding than finding someone appreciative of what can offer without the need to convince.
I suppose this just leads me to my decision on where this relationship is headed. Sucks but I feel trying to rebuild this may just be more work and less rewarding than finding someone appreciative of what can offer without the need to convince.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Man I keep following you story and really feel your situation. I hope you keep on track and keep your eyes on your objective. So many women would appreciate a man brave like you. What you are doing is not easy.
Can't say much more then there comes a time to draw your line in the sand.
Can't say much more then there comes a time to draw your line in the sand.
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