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Old 12-06-2012, 12:30 AM
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Only person...

I must be the only person in the whole word who get 12 weeks off forced paid leave (due to me not coping with relationship issues break up, abuse, changes at work, two little toddlers, finances, teenage daughter etc..... so took xanax towards the end the last two months. The two weeks prior to him moving out I took it way in excess just seeing him made me want to feel nothing) in any case 6 weeks in after being 10 days in rehab once a week Drug and Alcohol group support program all day, once a week couselling, gratitude journelling, but there is just not joy I am supposed to be grateful to actually not being fired from work or getting a warning letter but nothing instead I get annual leave and I find it really hard to enjoy or relax in it............... I must be crazy or something......is it me or am I really pathetic????
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Old 12-06-2012, 01:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Sidney14 View Post
I must be the only person in the whole word who get 12 weeks off forced paid leave (due to me not coping with relationship issues break up, abuse, changes at work, two little toddlers, finances, teenage daughter etc..... so took xanax towards the end the last two months. The two weeks prior to him moving out I took it way in excess just seeing him made me want to feel nothing) in any case 6 weeks in after being 10 days in rehab once a week Drug and Alcohol group support program all day, once a week couselling, gratitude journelling, but there is just not joy I am supposed to be grateful to actually not being fired from work or getting a warning letter but nothing instead I get annual leave and I find it really hard to enjoy or relax in it............... I must be crazy or something......is it me or am I really pathetic????
Hi Sidney - no, you aren't the only person in the world to get asked to leave to take time off because of personal issues. It might feel like it, though. I know of a few people who have been off for more than 4-5 months because of alcohol issues, drug concerns, etc. Their jobs are still waiting for them, and they are getting some pay during that time.

As for the your time off...it sounds like you can't enjoy it because you are most likely still dealing with the same stuff that caused you to leave work. Joy and gratitude aren't things that we can get by turning on a switch. I know that I was a very ungrateful person, negative, stressed, etc. and it was only after working the AA program (and continuing to do so) I found that things shifted for me. It was gradual, but they shifted. It was how I perceived things, how I approached things, how when taking an honest look at myself I could see that my problems were much of my own making. I used to play victim, scoured my life for scapegoats and perfected the blame game (i.e. "if you had my life you would drink too"). I let people take up space in my head, so even when I would travel the world, I was still stuck with all this baggage. I could never relax.

After detox and rehab, I had to take time for myself and to work my program. I had to focus on me and getting well. I had been kicked out of the house, had no job, no job prospects, was burning through savings, but I had hope.

Outside of your once a week counselling and group therapy, is there any program of recovery you are seeking and/or using?Gratitude journaling is fine (I still do it today), but that alone won't turn the tide for you.

You aren't pathetic or crazy - I have felt like that many times. But sitting in the feeling that you are will only freeze you from moving on.

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Old 12-06-2012, 05:10 AM
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Sidney, hugs.

I don't hear that you are not grateful for the time off with pay etc, you recognize it and are using the time to get on top of things...but you don't feel it, all warm and fuzzy.

I think that gratitude is NOT the warm fuzzy. Gratitude is what we do with what we got. Meaning, I can say 'oh, I'm so grateful.' then not engage with the thing again, it matters nothing to me. Gratitude is me using the thing, or having it remind me of the person who gave or shared with me and me giving them a call. Or me going to my job every day and doing it. I'm grateful I have the job, my behavior shows that but I'm not feeling the warm fuzzy lately.

There are lots of feelings in us that we tried to keep at bay with booze and/or drugs. Suddenly they aren't held back. Many of those feelings aren't warm fuzzy. One way we live gratitude in sobriety is that we feel the feelings and don't drink, that is a sign we are grateful for sobriety. We use it. Even when it's not warm and fuzzy.

It's like getting a puppy on Christmas morning, all licks and wiggles with a bow round it's neck. Later that day we are cleaning a pile up off the floor, and we are up half the night listening to it whine. But we take care of it, and train it, and walk it and love it, and heck, it grows into a great companion and we get lots of warm and fuzzy feelings over time.

I had lots of unrealistic expectations of sobriety, and of myself in sobriety. How I would act, think and feel. I thought I must be doing it wrong...because I didn't act, think and feel very good. Reading and sharing here helped me stay hopeful that I was on the right path and it would get better, and I'd like myself and the whole world more..someday, if I took care of my sobriety.
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Old 12-06-2012, 07:31 PM
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When I stopped drinking and drugging I could haver been elected president and been nominated heir to Hefner's grotto and all the bunnies and I'd have still had my head up my arse miserable.... because I couldn't go get a buzz on anymore.

That plus loss of a romantic relationship generally takes time to grieve and process. Seems about normal IMO. Throw some continuous sobriety at that and see if those "problems" don't work themselves out for you.
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