acid

Hello,

I am a newbie. I was just looking for folks to talk about how i'm feeling and google brought me here.

I'm 29 years old. I've been almost everynight for last 6-7 years since i'm a student. I tried to quit alcohol many times, but it didn't work.

I can't get proffessional help because It can be heard at the place I work and that would be bad for me.

I lost my brother in a traffic accident about 5 months ago. I dont know how to cope with it without drinking. I feel even more miserable then before. I desperately want to drink every night.

I know I have to decide to quit it and it works for no good but I can't dare it because I'm afraid I won't be enjoying anything without drinking.

JasonMarchelak

Can I just say welcome,

Loss is one thing to deal with in many different ways. I lost my mother found her dead after having an epileptic seizure and I started to drink so heavy after that. I couldn't imagine my life without booze as it took the pain away and also the depression, however if you have a drink problem, alcohol will only postpone the feelings as it will supress those feelings and depression will result as the feelings come back to life, after nearly 4 years 6 months ago I decided to stop, had no choice as I was becoming a nasty drunk, my behaviour changed and I was an emotional wreck. If you feel like me like i can't enjoy life without alcohol you are fooling yourself into a deep rut that can take a hell of alot of time to get out of. I am sorry for your loss, but try and be strong, I have to be now, I wont ever be able to forget my experience, but put it aside, life goes on and alcohol will only postpone any feelings you currently have. Be strong!!!! I know it's easier said than done.

Dee74

Hi and welcome acid

I drank for 20 years - I did everything but shower with a drink in my hand.
You can bet I found life with a drink hard for a while....

But it got easier...and easier...and easier...the longer I stayed sober - and with the more support I found for myself.

If, for whatever reason, you feel you can't 'go public' ok - thats your call...

It's not a dealbreaker

There are online options for most recovery groups now...there's SR too, and I know you'll find a lot of support here.

There are even groups that have no meetings at all, like Rational Recovery.

Check out our Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like that

D

Impurrfect

((acid)) - Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother Like ((Jason)), I turned to substances to deal with a loss (my mom). I spun into a really bad place, darn near lost everything and turned to recovery.

I then "got" to grieve my mom's death, again, along with the guilt of using to stuff down my feelings.

Living without drink or drugs (in my case) feels pretty raw to start with, but it truly does get better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

acid

thank you guys. i will try my best to do that. i know i have to quit. and i'm so glad i found this place. you look like very friendly people. i will report about my process from here. thanks again!

JasonMarchelak

You can talk about anything here, we are not here to judge, but to listen and help in some way. Keep us posted on your progress, and vent anything out that you wanna get out of you on here as well, I found opening up myself to others, people share alot of things in common I found. You're never alone in this we have all been there and know how it all feels! Take it easy mate!

Hevyn

Hi acid. You're so smart to reach out for help. This is a wonderful group, and we want to do what we can to support you.

I drank all my life. It went something like this: Happy? Have a drink to celebrate. Sad? Have a drink to cheer up. Grieving? Have a drink to numb the pain. Feeling shy or self-conscious? Have a drink to fit in, to be cool, to relax. I never allowed myself to feel anything. I never grew the way I should have, and could never imagine facing life without my 'friend'. It seemed innocent enough at the time. I didn't imagine that one day I'd have a drink by my side 24/7.

You can make it out of that rut, and have a new life. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm sure he would never want to be the cause of you damaging yourself to cope with his death. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and work through the grief so you can move on. We are here for you, acid.

MythOfSisyphus

I'd already drank hard for over 20 years by the time my dad died, but that triggered me to go even farther down. I went from just drinking a lot to drinking heavily every day for 2 years. In the end, the same trigger that made me spiral also helped me stop. Dad wouldn't have wanted to see me waste my life, I wanted him to be proud of me. That helped me stop. I obviously don't know you and never met your brother but I doubt he would have wanted to see you throw your life away and drown in a booze bottle, either.

Welcome to SR! It really helps a lot to be able to read and post here. One of the things that motivates me to stay sober is new posters like you. I see that not long ago my life was a mess, but that it gets better. If you can decide in your heart that it's time to stop, to make a change, then it can get better for you, too.

paul99

Hi acid,

By the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying anything with drinking. I am sorry to hear about your brother - but it sounds like you were drinking like this before your brother passed, so there is something underlying everything that was in pain beforehand.

I found it frightening to think about living in the day-to-day without alcohol. Like D mentioned, if I could shower and drink at the same time, I would have (I just eliminated showers at that point, to be honest). Alcohol stopped working for me pretty quickly and was stuck not only with the hurt and fears that fuelled my alcoholism, but stuck with the consequences of ingesting copious amounts of alcohol.

Regardless of what path you take, you will find that you will hopefully learn that life is simply better and simpler and more enjoyable without alcohol than with.

Good luck - I wish you the best

DoubleBarrel

I would suggest that unless you have really tried, you cannot know whether or not you can enjoy a sober life.
I thought that there was no fun without drinking, even though I could honestly remember many years ago, I had strung together a time where I was sober happy and grateful.
The addictive voice in you would love nothing more than for you to ride an raging descent into madness illness and disease.
I am so much happier now, without shame, without guilt, being really present and feeling life good and bad.
Try it. It gets better.

Gravel

I'm so sick of the guilt and madness myself.

Sasha4

To be honest, my drinking was never fun.

I would blackout, act stupid, be a fool, engage in risky behaviour witnessed by others.
The next day I could never remember. I felt anxious, ashamed, depressed, beaten again, like I had let myself down, talked about, gossiped about. Sometimes I literally fizzled with shame.

It took me a long time to realise that if I did not want to feel rock bottom, then the only way was to not drink.

If I did not pick up that first drink, I could never get drunk again.

Thats what I have done for the last 283 days.
My feelings of shame have virtually gone.
No-one can talk about my drunken drama's as there are none!

Do I miss it?
Sometimes life is a bit quiet. I find social gatherings where getting drunk is the primary focus boring and quite dull. I would rather not be around drunk people if I am honest as I find them irritating.

But I would rather take the quiet over the paranoid, self hating, pathetic wreck I was before.
I would never trade the peace in my mind now for that life of old.

When you talk about not enjoying anything without drink, I think that is just your addictive voice trying to talk yourself out of stopping.

In terms of this do we drink to enjoy the event or is the event that enjoyable we have a drink?

I know I had to drink to enjoy events.

Now instead, I go to an event, don't drink and when I feel like leaving I do.

I have NEVER regretted not drinking!

You say that you cannot get professional help due to work. But if you are drinking heavily, I am sure sooner or later it will be noticed and the quality of your work may start to decline. You don't have to tell anyone what help you get and it should all remain confidential.

I hope you stick around, post and read all you can.
It's nice having you here.

soberlicious

Welcome acid and gravel.. being addicted is literally exhausting. I never realized exactly how worn down and empty I really was until I quit. Addiction is such a cumbersome weight to carry. I am so happy that you are both here. Life is not always easy by any stretch but it is SO MUCH EASIER without the added burden that addiction brings. You can both find freedom. xo

least

I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't drink but found out that I can do anything I want, and do it better too.

JimmyOP

I used to feel that way too. That I had to be drinking to have a truly good time.

When I got sick from Lyme, almost overnight, I couldn't tolerate ANY alcohol. I imagine it must be the same for those that take antibuse to quit drinkning? Alcohol goes from making you feel GREAT (or "normal" to many as I remember), to making you feel sick overnight.

After a couple years of that, I forgot all about alcohol. Then it became opiates that were the necessity.

Same thing happened with weed. I had to smoke weed everyday, all day. After 20+ years of that, opiates nudged out the weed over time. Now I don't care about weed at all. I never thought I'd feel that way.

I guess it seems hopeless at first? That feeling DOES go away after a while.

GonzoTaxi

Hi Acid,

When you are truly ready, and it sounds like you are, quitting drinking will be the most liberating and powerful thing you ever do. I'm not saying it isn't hard, but it will be worth it. Remember that the only reason you don't are not drinking is because you don't want to drink. It's not something that is being imposed from outside because you "have to" do it, it is your decision and the force of your will that is leading you towards sobriety.

As for your comments about "professional help" and your job: AA is free and most importantly ANONYMOUS. There are many prominent people who are a part of the fellowship, if they can remain discrete, so can you.

x

Threshold

Living without alcohol is a skill. We can learn it.

Enjoying things without alcohol is a skill, we can learn it.

Daily practice helps us learn and strengthen those skills. It's really true. The issues of early sobriety are real and difficult, but we move and grow beyond them. We develop new skills and habits and feel and enjoy life in ways many of us never did before.

it's worth it!

babycat

um, wut?