Shepherdess

Well, I got to my third evening, almost three whole days... and then I broke. Not to make excuses, but there was a trigger, aside from just wanting to drink (and I was not having withdrawal symptoms at all). I got a missed call from my uncle – my grandmother is almost 95 and has not been well and I was terrified the call was bad news. He didn’t leave a voicemail and I, in typical cowardly alcoholic fashion, did not return his call.

Instead, I went to the store and bought a bottle of wine and, needless to say, drank all of it over the course of yesterday evening.

I was / am so determined! Why am I so weak? How did I forget my intentions and my plan?

I suspect that many, if not most, alcoholics actually do start their sobriety in fits and starts like this... maintaining it for a time, then having a slip, then back to sobriety until it finally becomes a permanent way of life. I would welcome your thoughts / experience on this.

doggonecarl

I think you are finding it more difficult than you thought...I don't know. I recall responding to a post of yours where you seemed to think it was a matter of changing your routine.

As you see, it's a lot more than that. And it's not weakness that drives us back to the bottle. It's the strength of the addiction.

I imagine that's the pattern for a lot of us. And we eventually "get it" and stay quit.

I suspect a lot slip and never try to recover again. Some seem to quit/slip, quit/slip over and over and over again and sobriety never makes a foothold.

I struggled for over ten years, but suspect I never really put my heart into it. Even when I did vow to quit forever, prior to coming here to SR, I relapsed. It was the relapse that did more for my recovery than my vow. It proved to me I was an alcoholic and could never, ever, drink again.

And I haven't.

Stay strong.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Shepherdess.

That kind of behaviour sounds quite familiar - to dumb feelings with wine so it doesn't hurt to face fears/reality/bad news, whatever. It takes some time to change this pattern, but it's possible. You have to develop a new habit, day by day. Make some plans ahead to cope with these situations, find something that works for you - exercising, walking, posting here, anything. Once you cope with fear without wine, it'll be better next time.

Take care.

thisisme

The hardest part of sobriety for me was dealing with life without being able to drown away all feelings, if only for the moment. I depended on alcohol only to realize it was the root cause of 99% of those issues.

No matter what, alcohol only makes it worse.

Alcohol does nothing, only harm.

Best of luck to you in your path of sobriety.

inpieces314

I agree with thisisme.

The alcohol is only the symptom. You have to find the triggers, find a way to cope with them, and actually use that coping mechanism (that is hard for me, I would rather drink, it is easier) and then NOT drink.

No point quitting drinking if you don't know WHY you were drinking in the first place.

Thepatman

I agree with everyone. One litle thing, for me it came when I could no longer look at myself in the mirror. Lying to myself, then my moral would tell me lying is bad. That created a major shortcircuit after a while

TSDD

I drank because it felt good, tasted good, and for a long time had a lot of good times associated with it.

Why I drank after the good times were all gone and it was causing horrible trouble in my life was because I had developed the phenomenon of craving and mental obsession that Dr Silkworth described.

Good luck to OP. I would encourage you to try attending some AA meetings. I found my answers there.