Munkey

So I have shared some things about me so far, but one thing I am currently struggling with is staying away from alcohol. I have been clean for 20 months from Bulimia and substances, and alcohol, but alcohol is still a burden...I have let go of the friends I had while drinking, but that urge is still there ya know..everytime my son throws a fit, everytime I have a bad day...its hard. When I was 16 I started drinking while doing drugs...that somehow in my head prooved that one was cancelling out the other (I would drink more to hide the drugs or I would do more drugs to hide the alcohol) some sense that makes uh?! Well I stopped drinking and using while I was pregnant in a treatment program, was clean til he was born...the day I got home I started again, but in march 2011 I went into a whole body treatment program and it's been 20 months so far. I know I have made good progress but everyday just...stinks..ya know. Some days are good, my son is great, my work is good, my bills are getting by on... but others, I just want to scream!...today is an iffy kinda day. bleh.

Cottonwoodchris

Wow, second time this morning I have read about someone that sounds just like me (well, without the pregnancy thing) Started drinking about 16, drugs came in at about 21 or so. Masked the drugs with alcohol, and vice versa.

I was sober 3 years, after kidneys and liver quit back in 2007. Then it was one drink. Hah, yeah, right. A year later back in the ER. Sober a year, then back to the ER. Bad cycle. Almost two months sober now, gotta just try and think of other things to keep my mind off a drink, because that urge is always there.

I wish there was a magic cure, just take away that craving. Stress, other things, just push so hard at times, I just have to go for a walk, watch a movie, play with the cats, just stay busy.

And talk to my doctor, about once every week at least by phone. I found a good AA meeting, still need a sponsor. Life isn't always gonna be easy, we just have to figure out ways around the muddy spots.

Caledonia1

Hi Munkey

Congratualtions on your soberiety firstly. That *bleh* feeling really does suck!

Although I've only been sober 8 months, many many years ago I managed a whole year and I was thouroughly miserable. I've often heard it called *dry drunk*

This time however I feel much more content and able to deal with life's ups and downs through the teaching of AA. Not sure if you've ever gave it a bash, but worth a try.

Stay strong and take care.

Munkey

I am trying very hard. My son is only 4 and I know even now he resents me for having to leave him for treatment, just lastnight he said he didn't like me...that cut so deep, this morning I got up and watched him sleep for a while before I took him to pre-k. If it werent for him I know without a doubt I would likely be dead right now.. I try to explain to him just how much I love him but I know he doesnt understand yet the struggles I have been through - duh he is only 4- but sometimes I just wish I was completely healthy, I didnt go through all of that, but then, I think...if I hadnt, I wouldnt have him. What a messed up catch 22. The bleh feeling definetely is getting to me, I am alone right now with $20 in my wallet... the store is dangerous, every time... I need milk and eggs and bottled water but...well..you all know where my mind is. Just trying to stay focused ya know.

atlantanelson

Congratulations on your child and staying clean during pregnancy I can relate to you, I'm bulimic right now and have been for 3 years, and alcohol definitely plays a BIG role in my eating disorder also. It's really hard to let those things that you think are comforting you go. Have you considered going to an inpatient program where you can get safely detoxed?

Munkey

Yes and I have, I am 20 months clean and sober, just the recovery process has kicked my butt up and down and all over. Every day is still really hard... I have posts in the Eating Disorder forum and substance forums, If you need anyone to talk to about the Bulimia, I am here for you, as is everyone I'm sure. It can get better that part of my recovery I am sure of!

Caledonia1

Hi Munkey, getting out and about when we have little ones is really difficult, I know I've got 2 girls. My youngest was intears every time I went out for a meeting but without my soberiety I am no good to either of my kids.
I guess the point I'm trying to make rather poorly..lol is sometimes we have to be ruthless with our soberiety and to all extent in purposes a little selfish. After all it's not forever only until you feel better within.
I hope you do find contentment in your soberiety like you seem to have concered with your other problems. You must be a good strong person. Keep going.
Wish you well.